I am a bit ill today from some bad steak. With that said, I am not in a good frame of mind to write anything with real substance, so this blog will most assuredly suck. However, I shall continue with it nonetheless.
The Somali pirates are not swashbucklers! In fact, they are just ruthless assholes who kill innocent people and use terror to get what they want. Granted pirates of old did this as well but with swashbuckling a part of their forte, it at least brought some class and fucking romance to their dirty deeds.
This new breed of pirate is ass! These guys don’t wear cool clothes, they don’t have wooden ships and they certainly don’t have rapiers or cutlasses. All they have are machine guns, grenade launchers and machete. They are just third world thugs pimping the first world’s weaponry and technological scraps. They don’t even have the charisma to befriend stray parrots. They’re kind of pussies too.
For example, you won’t see one of these Somali pirates duel for the affections of a damsel. No, they just shoot you in the head and rape your girlfriend. Rumor has it that they’re into bukake and they joined the mailing list on the “Two Girls, One Cup” website. They’re pretty demented and get off on gross stuff. I once saw a couple of them making homemade tentacle porn; I was never the same after that.
Somali pirates are also idiots at navigation. They rely on modern technology to guide them to their locations. The swashbucklers of old, would just smell the air and follow their wits with almost supernatural accuracy. Somali pirates just punch a bunch of numbers into a giant calculator and the ship adjusts and navigates itself. Somali pirates once saw a compass and thought it was a famous rapper’s medallion. It got $250 Somali shillings on the black market.
In Somalia, piracy is an excepted and beloved profession unlike in the days of the old Caribbean where it was heavily frowned upon and there were good swashbucklers to combat the bad swashbucklers. Now the pirates shoot grenades at you like frightened bitches. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried but a grenade is hard to deflect with a sword.
Also, I have yet to see a Somali pirate with a sweet eyepatch. Granted, one may exist but I haven’t seen him. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen one with a peg leg either. I guess when you’re a pussy with a machine gun pointed at unarmed civilians, you don’t have to worry about much harm coming to your body. I bet these modern pirates have never even swung from ropes.
Honestly, these Somali pirates are fucking d-bags. There are no redeeming qualities about them, other than they give their hostages food from expensive Somali restaurants. However, an expensive Somali restaurant is probably the equivalent to a Captain D’s in Dade City, FL. The only reason they take care of their hostages in such a manner is because they don’t want them to get ill before acquiring the ransom.
I just read an article, in doing my research, that said that Somali pirates are funded by Goldman Sachs. I don’t know if that’s true or not because it came from the Huffington Post, which is a news site fueled by the blood of leprechaun babies and powered by the removed brains of belugas. Maybe the belugas do know more than other media outlets however, as they may patrol the same waters that the Somali pirates pillage on.
In conclusion, I would like to put an open challenge out there for any Somali pirate with the testicular fortitude to step up, to step into the arena with me. I want to duel you. Possibly to the death! Yours essentially, if I start to lose, ease up, I was only joking.