*Written by Rob Rimes.
There are too many debates this month. This is the second of three and that’s not counting the Palmetto Freedom Forum that occurred just over a week ago. The candidates must be worn out and I can’t imagine how they’ll be feeling come the next debate, which is just a week away! All this hard work is paying off however, at least for my candidate Ron Paul. After the last two debates and the forum, his support has doubled: in less than two weeks! Is liberty shining through all the bullshit? Man, I fucking hope so!
Being the second CNN debate, I was a little worrisome, as last time I was assaulted by the throat gargling of John King. I was pretty hard on homeboy but that shit did get extremely annoying. Lucky for me, John King was a no show and we were treated to the the legendary prowess of Wolf Blitzer, who can be a douche at times but is still a much better choice to head this debate up than what I am assuming is Larry King’s little brother or son or possibly daughter.
Kicking off the debate is a video introduction that looks like they are introducing the Avengers. This summer blockbuster trailer is kind of cool, well until they get to Ron Paul. Everyone else looked powerful and badass but for Dr. Paul they picked a clip of him looking frail, leaning against a shelf. What the fuck man, can the the media hate for the libertarian guy be any more obvious? Fucking dickholes. Anyway, moving on.
So after the intro video of Earth’s mightiest heroes, Wolf Blitzer called them out one by one in what felt like wrestlers running to the ring at the Royal Rumble. However, none of them had any badass theme music. If I was producing this show, they’d all come out to some generic death metal. I do have to say, love him or hate him (I hate him), even without cool theme music, Rick Perry does look like a fucking president walking across that stage. Too bad he’s an evil bastard, then again most presidents have had a twinge of evil bastard in them.
Wolf introduces some chick to sing the national anthem. No offense but shouldn’t this have been done before the show? There hasn’t been a national anthem televised on any other debate, including the first CNN one, so why is it suddenly necessary? I’d rather have more times for questions. Also, this chick singing is pretty atrocious, not to say that I wouldn’t hit it though. Bachmann looks enthralled with her however. I can almost read Michele’s thoughts. She’s saying to herself, “I hope she ate the cheese platter I left her.” I bet Michele did leave her a cheese platter, she is a really nice motherly lady. Enough with this singer though, I’ve heard better from my drunk uncle Titus down at the Winghole on Karaoke Wednesdays.
Next up are the time-wasting introductions.. yawn. Can’t we just get to it already?! We’re thirteen minutes deep at this point! All I got from this was that Ron Paul promises to obey the Constitution and Newt gave a shout out to his homies in 9/12. Odd, considering it is actually 9/12.
Holy shit! Whoa! Stop the press! Wolf Blitzer didn’t start with Rick Perry or Mitt Romney! Are we seeing a change of the guard in the Golden Boy Club? The first question goes to golden girl Michele Bachmann, who isn’t as funny as Bea Arthur, at least not intentionally. The first subject is Social Security.
Michele basically says that she is down with Social Security because it was a promise made decades ago. Basically this pro-constitution fiscally responsible Tea Party darling is cool with socialism as long as it was delivered with a promise. Good job sticking to your guns lady.
Darth Perry who called Social Security a Ponzi scheme last debate, less than a week ago, is now backtracking on that statement. Homie must own more flip flops than Mitt. Perry goes as far as to say that it is “slam dunk guaranteed” that social security will be there for everyone if he is elected president. Romney and Perry then immediately start slapping each other like a couple of old ladies in the Jello line at the nursing home. I tune out mentally and take a big swig of my Stella Artois.
The only people offering real solutions to the Social Security problem are Herman Cain and Ron Paul. Last debate Cain mentioned that we should adopt the Chilean model for reforming Social Security but this debate, he actually has time to break it down for us. Cain’s already off to a great start this debate.
Holy shit, now Newt is on the bandwagon and pimping the Chilean model as well. As he speaks, he gets both cheers and boos and both very loudly. People either love or hate this guy. I’m not a fan policy-wise but I do enjoy his presence in these debates.
Somewhere in the middle of all this Social Security talk, Jon Huntsman refers to Mitt Romney as Kurt Cobain. His pop culture references are twenty years old. He tries to be funny but he fails. He should be on a bad CW buddy sitcom with Rick Santorum called “Just Dicks”.
Santorum speaks, no one cares. Where’s Gary Johnson?
The next part of the debate goes into the budget and general economics. As we face economic peril, these questions are some of the most important of the night. However, most of the answers given were shit.
Newt steps up first and talks about how there is too much waste in government and that by eliminating it we can come closer to balancing the budget. Yeah dude, that’s pretty much common sense and we all already know that. Those of you who aren’t aware of this should probably just go back to bed. Newt goes on to bash the Super Congress, which shouldn’t even exist and he calls for a modernization of the federal government.
Rick Santorum between fixing his racquets says that we need to adopt the Paul Ryan Plan. Most conservatives are on this bandwagon but the truth is, it doesn’t do much to alleviate the problem. Santorum doesn’t live in reality however and neither does anyone else pimping this plan.
Rick Perry is asked if he would cut drug prescription benefits and he says “no”. He obviously likes government spending the way it is. Rick Perry says whatever he needs to say to stay afloat. He is a professional panderer.
Romney promises to cut and cap spending and even wants a balanced budget amendment. Without an amendment the government can’t be fiscally responsible. I’m going to quit paying my bills and just use the excuse that I personally need an amendment to force me to stop buying whiskey, ties and pipe tobacco. Mittens also promises to completely restructure the economy and create jobs in the process. Sounds like sorcery!
Ron Paul says that he is looking for a lot of places to cut. He then goes on to pimp out his anti-war message and receives loud pops from the crowd. He talks about cutting funding to education, national security and energy. All these areas need to be looked at and seriously analyzed, as they suck up a huge portion of our budget. Bringing our damn troops home would also help the budget immensely.
Rick Perry starts regurgitating Tea Party talking points that he stole from a pamphlet he found lying next to the Port-O-Lets at the Tampa Fairgrounds. Huntsman promises to reform the tax code within his first 100 days. Bachmann pats herself on the back per usual and promises to repeal everything. Can we repeal ‘Avatar’ from being made? Can we at least repeal funding going to the production of any sequels? Herman Cain tells the world to go check his 999 Plan but he doesn’t mention the FairTax. I wonder if that is a part of his 999 Plan; I will have to give it a quick read over.
Mitt Romney then comes out and says that, “We are an energy rich nation living like an energy poor nation.” He also says that we’re in a smartphone world and not a payphone world and that Obama is still putting quarters in the payphone or something like that. All I can say is, “Fuck payphones!” Those things are dirty, grimy, germy and stinky. They also smell like hobo nut sweat. All this does though is lead to another spat between Romney and Perry and this one is full of weird poker references and extreme awkwardness by both candidates. Wolf Blitzer blushes when Rick Perry winks at him. Maybe I imagined that part. In any event, Wolf has some obvious man-love for the Texas Gub’ner.
Ron Paul destroys the man-love by pointing out the reality of Rick Perry’s record (I wrote about his record here). Dr. Paul points out that Perry has implemented higher taxes and created more debt in the process. Ron Paul peels back the layers and Perry, looking visibly uncomfortable, just makes wise cracks about Ron Paul. Truth is, the record Perry touts is bullshit. The media doesn’t care though, he’s dreamy!
The next subject to come up is the Federal Reserve. Oddly, not a single fucking question about the Fed or Ben Bernanke went to Ron Paul, who is the chairman of the U.S. House Financial Services Subcommittee on Domestic Monetary Policy. Basically, Ron Paul deals with Bernanke and the Fed on a daily basis! Yet, not a single fucking question went to the expert on the subject.
Former Federal Reserve employee Herman Cain was asked a question however. He was asked if the Fed should be audited. Cain who used to be against auditing the Federal Reserve now says that we should. He says that he doesn’t want to end the Fed but he does want to fix it. That’s not good enough for me, sorry homie.
Michele Bachmann says she would fire Ben Bernanke. Of course she would and so would everyone else up there because to say that you would keep him would be career suicide at this point. Everyone else pretty much says the same thing. Romney insists he will look into the Fed: no he won’t. Rick Perry does backtrack on his remark from two debates back where he called Ben Bernanke “treasonous”. Perry is backtracking and flippin’ the script like a little bitch this round. Starting to see a trend yet?
A young Tea Partier in the crowd asks “How much of my paycheck should I be allowed to keep?” It is a great question that should be asked to every single candidate on that stage, however Wolf Blitzer just asks Jon Huntsman: what a waste. Huntsman, the living embodiment of the politician stereotype, beats around the bush and never truly answers the question. One of the best questions of the night is thrown away like a used condom after sex with a Carson City hooker under an overpass.
A Tea Partier on the giant TV then asks about the FairTax and the question is given to Mitt Romney who doesn’t support it and tries to explain why. The problem is that Mitt obviously doesn’t understand the FairTax and how it works. He claims that it punishes the middle class. Nope dude.. it doesn’t. Go read one of the Boortz books or read any of the countless FairTax articles that are posted on FairTax.org and TheSwash.com. Wolf Blitzer is really good at picking the wrong people to ask specific questions. The audience members that got to participate in the debate were cheated.
Things really start to heat up in a good way when Ron Paul speaks out against the use of executive orders. Dr. Paul says that executive orders should never be used for legislation and that anyone who uses them to make law is not working within the frame of the Constitution. Ron Paul then points out that it was Rick Perry who abused the executive order power in trying to force teen girls to get vaccinated. Rick Perry once again looks uncomfortable and can’t effectively dig himself out of this hole. How could he? There is no excuse for this even though too many people are turning a blind eye to it or somehow accepting it and forgetting it.
Perry tries to get out of the hole by saying he’d use his executive order powers as president to repeal Obamacare. This fucksack just can’t face the goddamned music. Bachmann gets really pissed and informs the idiot Perry that you can’t just repeal it with an executive order, he needs to learn how this shit works. She then goes on and on about parental rights and how Perry violated them and is pretty much an evil fucking bastard.
Of course Wolf Blitzer continually allows Perry to respond to every criticism, which isn’t a luxury that he has been giving to anyone else on the stage. Bachmann isn’t having any of Perry’s shit and she points out that he has close ties with Merck, the drug company behind the vaccination. I remember when I used to tell people this and they called me a “conspiracy nut”. Bachmann is bouncing back in this debate and showing that she’s not ready to leave the hunt.
Suddenly, Rick Santorum starts ripping Rick Perry a new asshole too! This is great. Santorum is an idiot douche but Darth Perry getting slammed has got me cheering on any and all comers that want to challenge the Sith bastard. Perry is crawling in his skin and it’s awesome to watch. Rick Perry literally pulls a shit sandwich out of his jacket pocket and takes a bite. Nomnomnom!
Health care is the next big issue and Herman Cain starts the discussion by saying that he wants to implement a “loser pays” law, as it would help eliminate bad lawsuits against doctors, thus eliminating the high cost of their liability insurance and thus the high cost of health care in general.
Ron Paul says that, “Freedom is about risk”. When it comes to health care it is a person’s responsibility to take care of themselves, just like anything else. However, he points out that the charitable nature of man wouldn’t just let people die in the streets. Being the only doctor on stage and having practiced medicine before all the medical entitlements, he tells us about how even before Medicare and Medicaid all the hospitals he worked in never turned people away. He also talked about how churches and other organizations would work to help the less fortunate as they do now, except they would be even more charitable if their hands weren’t tied due to the cost of health care and the restraints of the over-regulated system.
Some guy from Cincinnati asks the candidates what we should do ’bout all dem Messicans. The first to get on that is Rick Santorum who literally calls for “Stormtroopers” on the border! No, he really called for “Stormtroopers”! Apparently he also wants a super fence and a Death Star pointed at Mexico. Man, I thought Darth Perry was the Sith.
Rick Perry blames the federal government for slacking in taking care of the border issues. Wait, hold up.. this guy calling for states’ rights is now bitching that the feds haven’t taken care of business. The reality of this is that Perry is a lazy fuck when it comes to dealing with the GOP solution on immigration. Homeboy needs to check his record and then he needs to check his ass. He throws in there that a fence won’t work; he’s right about that.
Rick Santorum doesn’t like Perry’s insight about the fence though and he jumps down his throat. Santorum goes on a tirade about speaking English and how he came from immigrants. Yeah dude, we all did except those of us living on reservations.
Bachmann steps into the immigration debate and, as is the trend, she jacks Ron Paul’s platform. Bachmann believes that the real problem is the welfare state and that it needs to be severely reformed to prevent illegal aliens from benefitting from it. Actually honey, it needs to be abolished.
Rick Perry says that he is against amnesty for illegal aliens but is quickly attacked by Jon Huntsman who calls Perry “treasonous” for saying that the border cannot be physically secured by a fence. Perry is right here and Huntsman is just picking a fight to be relevant in this debate. I sort of like Jon Huntsman, simply for the fact that he is a total dick. Huntsman gets some extra points for dissing Homeland Security.
Herman Cain then tells us that he wants to create a “regulatory reduction commission” to overlook government agencies such as the EPA. I like this idea as long as it doesn’t cost a lot of money. Then again, if used correctly, it could save us tons of money and justify the cost of its existence. Then again, when does government do anything right?
Ron Paul is confronted with his vocal opposition to military spending and explains to Wolf Blitzer and the people watching that there is a difference between military spending and defense spending. Yes, there certainly is. Unfortunately the average American citizen and politician can’t wrap their head around that simple bit of logic. This of course angers pretty much everyone in the room and Ron Paul has to explain that jihadists are pissed about our involvement in their lives and the fact that we occupy their countries. He goes on to explain Osama bin Laden’s reasoning for attacking us on 9/11 by using Osama’s own words. The crowd boos because the crowd can’t accept the fact that we have an imperialistic military that steps on nuts all over the world. No! no! no! They just hate us because we’re white and different! We never did anything to piss them off!
Ron Paul’s insightful lesson is followed up by Huntsman saying that we need to get out of Afghanistan. Rick Perry then steps up to the mic and says that it is important to have a military presence in Afghanistan to help them form a civil freedom-loving society. I guess he believes the myth that warring tribes can be civil.
Wolf Blitzer then asks the final question of the night to all the candidates. He asks what each and every one of them would bring to the White House. Santorum says he’d build a room for his kids.. yawn. Ron Paul says he’s bringing Austrian economics and common sense. Newt says something about ballet. Perry says he’s bringing the best First Lady ever. Huntsman says something lame. Bachmann says something crazy. Romney fixes his hair. Cain says he’s bringing a sense of humor. I’m bringing cotton candy.
This debate ends and we’re all left with just a little bit more of the same. I think the most important thing of the night was Rick Perry getting called out on his bullshit and being exposed as an evil Sith bastard. Bachmann earned some respect for going off on the Texas Governor. I also have to give props to Paul for trying to educate the lesser beings to no avail. Don’t worry Dr. Paul, after their campaign staff explains your talking points to them, they’ll steal some of your platform for the next debate.
In the end, this was one of the better debates. I wish certain parts of the debate were better managed and that Wolf Blitzer used better judgment on who to ask specific questions. Ah well, at least we didn’t have that pervert John King making unsexy throat noises. At the end of the day, this is just one of several debates and the road to 2012 is far from over. In fact, we still have a year before we even find out who wins the primary. There’s also another dozen or so debates on the horizon. It’s going to be a long year but at least it has been entertaining. At this point, anything can happen.
Grading Scale:
Grade A: Ron Paul
Grade B+: Herman Cain
Grade B: Michele Bachmann
Grade C-: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Mitt Romney
Grade D: Rick Santorum
Grade D-: Rick Perry
Grade D-: Jon Huntsman
Grade I: Gary Johnson
Grade I: Thaddeus McCotter
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