*Written by Rob Rimes.
I got a letter from Mitt Romney last night, as I am sure many people did as well. It wasn’t a personal letter or anything, I’m certainly not that special in Governor Romney’s eyes. Nope, it was pretty much just a generic plea for monetary support that was inserted into an envelope and sent out by the Republican National Committee. With it came a survey by the RNC, which was pretty much the real reason for sending this thing out. The letter from Ol’ Mittens was just what they needed to get your attention and pull you into their trap. A trap that is nowhere near clever yet the big suits in the RNC must be convinced that it is the work of genius. I see through your old school tricks RNC and I see the real agenda behind this horribly worded survey that has been engineered to generate the responses you want, in an effort to keep the establishment bullshit alive while ignoring the thoughts, feelings and ideology of those whose support you desperately need.
Now Mitt Romney’s letter, which he probably didn’t even write, starts by telling us “Fellow Republicans” that his friends at the Republican National Committee are working hard to win the presidency for him, as well as trying to recapture the Senate from those evil bastard Democrats. The first mistake is Romney calling me a “Fellow Republican”. Sorry bro, I’m not one of those and I only was long enough to vote for Ron Paul in the Florida primary. Maybe the RNC hasn’t been made aware of this or maybe they don’t care and will continue to harass me for the rest of my goddamned life because I joined their ranks for a few months. Then again, maybe Ol’ Mittens got my contact info from Herman Cain, who I once gave ten bucks. Not because I supported him, but because I went to one of his rallies, way before he ran for president, and I thought it appropriate to throw him a couple bucks for throwing the shindig and buying lots of food and drinks for those who went to listen to his free speaking engagement. But fuck all that.
Romney’s letter continues by scaring me into perceiving Obama as a vile liberal turd with a sinister agenda. He cites Obama’s “failed liberal record” yet forgets to mention his own. Then, referring to the attached survey, he says that he wants to know what “hard-working Americans” like me want this campaign to be about. Shit man, isn’t it a bit too late to be asking this of everyone? And really, shouldn’t homeboy have all of his ducks in a row by now? Then again, as I will get to it here in a minute, the survey doesn’t really want to know what we want, it wants to help shape our minds towards what the establishment Republican agenda already has planned out.
Captain Haircut then continues by saying:
As one of our country’s most active Republicans, you have been chosen to take part in the RNC’s 2012 Presidential Issues Survey.
Holy fuck balls! I have been CHOSEN! I have been singled out and selected – hand-picked by the GOP establishment! The Master Jedis have picked their next Padawan to become a Jedi Knight! But wait.. Governor Romney called me “one of our country’s most active Republicans”. Huh, really? I’m not even a Republican anymore! How can this be? Did I get a letter meant for someone else? If they are Jedi Masters, how could they not see this? How could they make a mistake like this? I mean, I was “chosen”. These glow stick-wielding space wizards aren’t too smart!
Blowing off the confusion of receiving this letter, apparently in error, I continued to read it and come across the part that said that the RNC needed my “honest, thoughtful answers..” to “..help guide (their) blueprint to victory.” The letter informed me that every single Republican on a ballot in America is just dying to hear what my input on the issues are. It then reminds me that they’d like my money as well. I am asked to help combat Obama’s billion-dollar war chest. Well, I gave Ron Paul and Gary Johnson both a significant amount of money, so sorry Ol’ Mittens but Mr. Rimes is tapped out on cash for campaigns.
So after reading the silly cock-strumpet of a letter, I unfolded the survey and felt like I would give the RNC a piece of my mind, regardless of my lack of enthusiasm for their golden boy. There seemed to be a lot of questions but nowhere to give a real answer. Oh wait.. I have to fill in little bubbles on a scale of 1-to-10. That’s totally fucking lame! I want to give real answers to these questions. Whatever, fuck these people, I’ll play by their rules and fill-in their little bastard bubbles!
The first field is full of instructions on how to fill-in bubbles. I guess this must be difficult for some people. To be honest, if you can’t fill-in a damn bubble, I don’t think you should be allowed to vote or reproduce. Moving on.
The first question asks:
Are you more enthusiastic or less enthusiastic about voting in the upcoming November election than you were four years ago?
The answers available are “More”, “Less” and “Unsure”. Yep, that’s it! I can’t just pick one and fill it in. My answer is much more complex than that. Truthfully I guess I am less enthused but am I really? I mean last round we had Obama and McCain. That’s like having to choose between a root canal or rectal surgery. Now we have Obama and Romney which is like choosing between having my left nut crushed or my right nut crushed. Both sets of choices suck complete ass! However, I was more enthusiastic in supporting Ron Paul in 2012 than I was in 2008. I am also very enthusiastic about supporting Gary Johnson. However, this isn’t what the RNC is asking. What they want to know is whether or not I am enthusiastic because Romney is running. If I answer “yes”, they will believe it is because I approve of Romney. If I answer “no”, they will think I’m an Obama Zombie or I prefer the 2008 choice, John McCain. Nowhere can I write-in how I really think in any sort of way that is meaningful or informative on this cookie-cutter agenda-riddled data collection survey.
The second question asks:
Thinking ahead to the November election, do you plan on voting at the polls on Election Day, or will you be voting early, either through absentee voting by mail or through “early voting in-person” allowed in many states?
I’ll vote on Election Day, as I always have because I don’t want to vote early and then find out the next day that my pick is a T-800 sent from the future to kill us all. This is kind of a stupid and pointless question but I guess they need to strategize in an effort to know when and where they need to concentrate on their propaganda distribution.
The third question asks:
How interested would you be in learning more about how to volunteer your time to help defeat President Obama?
Well shit, I am very interested in that but their answers are “Extremely interested”, “Somewhat interested” and “Not all that interested”. None of the choices nor the question mentions Mitt Romney as the benefactor of working towards defeating Obama. Now, yes I do want to defeat Obama but I don’t want to help Romney in the process. Where is the option that says, “Fuck all these hoes”? They just pigeon-hole the survey-taker to either be on Mitt’s team or Obama’s. Fuck that, I need more choices.
The fourth question has six parts. It asks:
How important are each of the following issues when deciding how to vote in November? Please rate each issue on a scale of 1-10, with ONE meaning NOT AT ALL IMPORTANT.
The first lists “Economic issues like jobs.” Okay, that is incredibly fucking vague! I mean, the question has “like” in it. Are they asking about jobs, stuff “like” jobs or what? The “like” could mean anything. Why not just have to words “Job Creation” instead of the stupid question?
The second issue listed says “Government issues like the deficit, spending, and taxes.” Yes, I am concerned about that but they are all different things that I may feel differently about in a way that I can’t apply just one value to all three.
The third issue is “Pocketbook issues like rising prices, and the cost of gas and housing.” Yes, I am also concerned about all of that but I can’t bubble-in a value that is accurate for everything listed in this question. It also doesn’t really state anything about solutions to the problems, just if you are concerned about the whole thing big picture-wise. Let me save you some time RNC, almost everyone is concerned about all these issues you are listing but nowhere do you have any sort of solutions or ideas on these issues. The truth is, these questions are carefully worded to generate the results you want without really hearing directly from the people in a way that might bring forth a resolution to our woes.
The fourth issue is “Social issues like abortion and gay marriage.” Okay, those are two entirely different things and can’t be lumped together. Yes they are both important issues and I could bubble-in a high number but being that this is going to the RNC, they will turn my concern over the issue into support for their stance and agenda on it, which does not reflect my own. You see, the RNC will turn around and say that Americans are concerned over abortion and gay marriage so they have to continue to fight against these things, when the truth is that my concern for those issues is how the Republicans and the religious right handle them because their stance is wrong, in my opinion.
The fifth issue is “Foreign policy issues like national security, the war in Afghanistan, and Iran’s nuclear weapons program.” Yes, I am concerned about these too but if I mark a high number, just like with the question before, the RNC will use that to tell the public that Americans support their stance of meddling in every countries affairs and policing the globe. Nope, I am concerned about those issues because Republican foreign policy has been disastrous.
The sixth and final issue under question four is “Personal freedom issues like gun control and defending the Constitution, and limiting government.” Come the fuck on man! Yes, all these are also important to me but when the hell have Republicans really worked towards limiting the size of government? How often do they really defend the Constitution? Hell, many Republicans cave on gun rights as well. I could bubble-in the number “10″ but that would just mean to the RNC that I somehow support wacky religious ideas that many of them feel are constitutional.
The fifth question asks:
On the same 1-10 scale, with 1 being “NOT AT ALL IMPORTANT” and 10 being “EXTREMELY IMPORTANT”, how important is it to you that President Obama be defeated in the November election?
Um.. 10! But I don’t want Romney either!
The sixth question asks:
Again, on a 1-10 scale, with 1 being “NOT AT ALL IMPORTANT” and 10 being “EXTREMELY IMPORTANT”, how likely is it that you would recommend to a friend that they vote for Mitt Romney in the November election?
Ooh, a real question. The answer is “1″! And that is only because “0″ is not a choice.
The seventh question asks:
Do you support or oppose President Obama’s Position to legalize same-sex marriages?
I support it, take that Republican National Committee!
The other questions are just about my age, sex and if I use Facebook. Then there is an eleventh question. That question asks:
Will you play a critical role in helping elect Mitt Romney the next President of the United States and more Republicans at all levels this November by making a 2012 campaign contribution to the Republican National Committee today?
Hmmm.. there is only one answer to this question and it reads, “YES, I support the RNC’s efforts and am enclosing my most generous contribution of:”. Then it is followed by more bubbles with dollar amounts next to them. Where the fuck is the “No” bubble?! I want that choice! All I can fill-in is “Yes”! What a crock of horseshit!
The point of all this is to show how useless and bullshit these surveys are. Polls are used in just the same way as well. You have to know what you are filling out and why you are being asked questions in the way that you are. These shysters know exactly what they are doing but people keep overlooking the obvious and continue to be duped by third grade garbage like this. Yes, I would love to give the RNC truthful answers but if I just fill out their survey, they way they want me to, it won’t mean dick. Then again, that just goes to prove that they don’t actually care what any of us think, they just need us to give them more fuel for their fire. I say “fuck that”. Stop playing billiards with these jackals and don’t take their bullshit at face value. This goes from any group or pollster from either side of the coin. If some Frank Luntz-looking motherfucker starts spewing out stats, he’s probably full of shit and working for someone that needs to manipulate you in order to survive.
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