It’s no secret that I have superior DNA. I’ve talked about my awesomeness for years and have been able to back up such claims with my intellectual prowess, my good looks, my ability to grow the nicest chops ever and a penis larger than the average guy’s. I also have a lot of skills which I don’t need to list but swashbuckling would have to be the greatest skill that I possess. With that said, I am a guy that prefers the single life but would consider procreating with any of the following women due to their almost equally awesome DNA. I don’t really want a child but it would be pretty selfish to allow my genetic superiority to die with me (assuming that I can even die). Anyway, I’d be all for procreating if any of these ladies could work up the courage to approach me. Consider this an open invitation ladies, not for love but for you to reap the benefits of my superior DNA being the genetic makeup of your future child. I can only imagine how exciting this offer must seem to you and you’re welcome.
The following ladies are not listed in any particular order, they are just my overall top five.
Diana Falzone: Diana Falzone is one of the most beautiful women ever to grace my television set. She may have the best hair I’ve ever seen but that’s still debatable, as being a man, I don’t pay too much attention to that sort of stuff. She seems sweet, obtainable (to the average joe, all is obtainable to yours truly) and intelligent enough to crush a room of liberal douches. I’d take her out and actually spend some cash on her. I’d possibly even put some other things on the back burner just for some cuddle time. The only thing that would make her hotter, is wearing a big gold chain with my name on it.
Carrie Keagan: Carrie Keagan is one of the few blondes in the world I’d consider procreation with. I’m more fond of brunettes but Keagan exists on the same level as superior brunettes, simply for the fact that she may be the greatest blonde that ever lived. I would comment on her amazing breasts but doing so would be a turn towards perversion and I’d like this blog to be a bit more classy than that. Actually, pretend the last sentence didn’t happen; wipe it from your memory. Keagan is the type of girl I’d love to party with and I doubt she’d be turned off by my more vulgar vernacular when irked by the stupidity in Washington.
S.E. Cupp: What can I say about S.E. Cupp? Well, I can’t tell if I like her better as an auburn haired spice bomb with glasses or as a blonde down-to-earth hottie, as seen on the inside flap of her first book. S.E., short for Sarah Elizabeth (I did my research.. hopefully Wikipedia isn’t lying again!), totally helped contribute to my transition from center-left to center-right with her book “Why You’re Wrong About The Right”. Anyone who can sway my opinion must be pretty amazing. S.E. may be marriage material but the thought of marriage still makes me squirm and curl up like a xenomorph napping. Maybe one day.
Alison Rosen: Miss Rosen may be the most adorable girl I’ve ever seen. She’s super cute, super smart, super funny and possibly has no weaknesses apart from kryptonite, which probably isn’t even real according to scientists. She is my personal Supergirl and if I were ever trapped under a burning building, I know she’d come to my rescue. According to her Facebook profile, she likes the band Death From Above 1979 and the film “Real Genius”, so we definitely have some good starting points for what would evolve into a stellar conversation.
Kimberly Guilfoyle: Kimmy G is gorgeous. She’s been married to a mayor and an heir to billions. Apparently she is single again, so I’d like to throw my hat into the ring. Kimberly was a prosecutor in San Fran and being at one time married to a Democrat, makes me question her political affiliation but being on Fox News makes her a conservative by default (not really but humor me here). She also works with Geraldo a lot and being that close to that enchanting mustache is the equivalent of getting hit with gamma rays and developing the power to create black holes with simple hand gestures. Miss Guilfoyle is a powerful and enchanting lady and worthy of bearing my child.