John Speaker Boehner, the new Speaker of the House, has been on the political scene for quite awhile. He is highly regarded amongst his peers as a hero and champion of liberty. I don’t dislike the guy but I don’t necessarily think he’s a champion of liberty until he sheds his neocon skin and puts on his liberty jumpsuit. I will however give homeboy the benefit of the doubt, even though his crying makes me pretty goddamned fucking uncomfortable. At least he does show that he does care and has a heart, even though it makes some of us cringe just a lil’ bit.
Anyway, most people don’t know much about the guy and his background other than that he swept up around his dad’s bar in Cincinnati, Ohio. So, I, as always, am here to shed light on what makes the political elite who they are. Speaker Boehner’s story is an interesting one and one that deserves to be brought into the fucking light. So here is the tale of how America’s newest voice went from Ohio’s youngest competitive bartender to bad ass Orange Ranger to Speaker of the motherfucking House.
John Speaker Boehner, or JSB, was born in Reading, Ohio to Earl Henry Boehner and Mary Anne Hall. He had 11 other siblings but he would grow to be the most famous and bad ass one of the clan. He shared a single bedroom with the other 11 kids, as he grew up in a small two room house. Some would call it a shit shack; JSB called it home.
At the age of 8, he started working at a bar that has been owned by the Boehner family since 1938. While working there, he quickly picked up smoking and was able to puff through multiple packs per day. He also became somewhat of a local icon, as he could do better tricks than Tom Cruise’s character in the hit, yet lame, 1988 film ‘Cocktail’. Keep in mind that JSB was only 8 and he could do a double reverse 450 corkscrew bourbon pour! Homeboy was the fucking shit in the ‘Nati bar scene! These ninja-like bartending skills would come in handy later, when he was called upon to save the Earth of all dimensions.
During his teens, JSB attended Moeller High School where he was a linebacker on the school’s football team. While on the team, JSB was coached by future Notre Dame coach, Gerry Faust. Faust recognized greatness in JSB due to his almost super fast speed, reflexes and raw power. Faust insisted that JSB join the Super Sentai Intergalactic Police Department, or SSIPD. JSB declined and instead went into the United States Navy during the peak of the Vietnam war, as he felt that Earthly conflicts were where he could best utilize his skills.
After 8 weeks in the Navy, JSB was honorably discharged due to having a shitty back. What most people don’t know is that an evil intergalactic threat discovered the power that JSB had and sent space monsters to conquer him. JSB was pulled from his bed and sucked into another dimension where a dozen or so space monsters beat his ass within an inch of his life. It wasn’t until a secret unit of SSIPD officers rescued JSB from the brink of death, that the monsters were defeated and his life was spared. Feeling that he owed them a great debt, JSB promised to heal and to join the SSIPD on their mission to keep space and time safe from intergalactic threats.
Once out of the Navy, JSB enrolled at Xavier, where it took him 7 years to graduate. The popular story is that it took him so long to get through school because he had to work a ton of bullshit jobs. Well, that’s bullshit. Truth is, he had to balance school and his time at the SSIPD Academy on Earth 6146We. After 7 years at Xavier and the SSIPD Academy, Boehnner graduated from both. JSB then went to work as an intergalactic cop and the SSIPD provided him with a clone that could stay back on this Earth, where it would work for Lucite Sales and hold a position as an Ohio state representative until JSB’s retirement from intergalactic duty years later.
During Boehner’s absence from Earth, he saw, fought and conquered many evil forces. After a couple of years of service, he was hand picked by the Director of the SSIPD to be a part of a special task force. This new group was called “The Rangers”. The team would consist of a revolving cast of characters, all of whom were masked, including JSB. To tell themselves apart and for toy sales purposes, each Ranger was given a specific color. JSB was known as the Orange Ranger.
In 1986, the SSIPD Rangers were embroiled in a major conflict around Jupiter 7923Tg when their enemy, Lord Zord and his minions called upon the giant phoenix god that lived in the core of that particular Jupiter. The phoenix god, calling itself Smoldor, engulfed the entire planet of Jupiter 7923Tg setting it on fire and creating a massive fucking supernova which ripped the space-time continuum to shreds: pulling all of existence into a dark void.
JSB, able to pull himself together, led the Rangers against the seemingly invincible Smoldor. Fighting in the fragile and ever changing void between space and time, Boehner was able to get the upper hand against Lord Zord and tossed him into the giant maw of Smoldor’s screeching bird mouth. This distracted Smoldor long enough for JSB and the other Rangers to summon their animal-like attack vehicles. JSB quickly jumped into his Armadillobot and called for the other Rangers to attack full force.
The battle raged on for weeks and the Rangers were nearly beaten when Boehner got an idea. He ordered that the other Rangers combine the might of their animal-like attack vehicles. The Rangers then linked each of their vehicles together and formed a gigantic fucking robot: Megabot!
Megabot fought Smoldor across the cosmos and throughout time. Smashing through the thin fabric of the collapsing continuum, both giant monsters ended up on what seemed to be a planet of mostly water. Fighting on an island, Smoldor avoided the water at all costs. Even though Megabot was nearly beaten, Smoldor’s apparent fear of the water caused JSB to act.
Boehner controlled Megabot’s right leg and because of that, he went for a leg sweep. The leg sweep sent Smoldor toppling backwards over his stupid head. As Smoldor was disoriented, Megabot charged him and literally tackled him into the ocean. Smoldor let out a horrific scream and exploded into steam: vaporizing. Floating in the water was an infant child made of stars. The infant sank into the water and a light exploded throughout the continuum.
The light pulled the fabric of the space-time continuum back together, completely fixing the multiverse and putting everything back where it should belong. In fact, no one affected by the destruction of the fragile multiverse really had any knowledge about what had happened. Well, except for those who fought the battle against Smoldor and Lord Zord.
When JSB got back to the SSIPD HQ and took off his Ranger’s costume, he discovered that since he had been wearing it for weeks, if not months, and had been sweating profusely while in combat, the orange dye in the suit had permanently stained his skin. To this day, Boehner is still orange: proving that he was once the great and legendary Orange Ranger.
JSB was awarded over fifty metals and given the nickname John Speaker “Raging” Boehner. JSB left the “Raging” nickname behind, as he knew the people of Earth would just make fun of him for it. Also, it was in the best interest of Earthlings to not know about what happened in the epic battle with Smoldor and Lord Zord.
Returning to our Earth, JSB ran for Congress and won. He defeated incumbent fucksack Buz Lukens who was preoccupied having sex with children. JSB had to conquer that evil and this time he did it with his skills as a statesman and not as a bad ass former SSIPD Ranger. Buz Nutts fell and faded off into perverted obscurity, kind of like Brett Favre.
During his freshman year in Congress, JSB was a member of the Gang of Seven. The Gang of Seven took on the establishment and shook up Congress. Democrats and Republicans were none to happy with the young bucks and their desire to change things. The Gang of Seven shut down the House Bank and exposed the “dine and dash” practices of many House members. JSB, from his first moments in Congress, tore the House down: pun intended.
In 1994, when the GOP took control of the House of Representatives from the Democrats, Boehner was instrumental in helping create Newt Gingrich’s infamous Contract With America. Of course Newt sucked balls and failed and didn’t change a damn thing other than letting the Democrats weasel back into the House but JSB kept on muthafuckin’ truckin’.
In 1997, JSB was visited by the Star Child left behind from the destruction of Smoldor, years earlier. The Star Child thanked Boehner for freeing him from his prison in the core of Smoldor. The Star Child, to show his gratitude, gave JSB a gift. That gift was the power of universal empathy. Because of this power, JSB cries a lot. Usually he has it under control but sometimes the empathy becomes to great and tears escape. It really isn’t his fault. Unfortunately, such a gift is also a pretty shitty curse and usually the tears come out at the oddest times. Some question whether or not the Star Child is just a celestial prankster.
Since the Republicans useless and failed takeover in ’94, JSB has been punching out his own mold of awesomeness. He became the House Republican Conference Chairman which made him Numero Cuatro on the GOP side of things behind Newtie “Bootie” Gingrich, “Big” Dick Armey and Tom “Don’t” DeLay. In this spot, JSB introduced a lot of programs, most notably the Freedom to Farm Act.
After the presidential election of Bush II: The Quickening, JSB was elected as chairman of the House Education and the Workforce Committee. JSB let his neocon colors fly with his involvement in the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001. He also authored the Pension Protection Act as well as a few other neoconish pieces of legislation.
Not too long after this, Tom DeLay was exposed as a piece of crap and JSB was able to become the House Minority Leader opposite the Pelosi led Democrats. After the fall of the Democrats and Skeletor Pelosi in the 2010 midterm elections, Boehner became the House Majority Leader in 2011.
Now JSB sits in his chair, with his gavel, and he claims to be listening to the people and has vowed to bring some fiscal responsibility to Congress. We shall see JSB, we shall see. The jury is still out but the clock is ticking. Has Boehner learned from the mistakes of Newtie Bootie’s rule or will he slip into the same skin the ’94 GOP wore? He is “mighty” but has he “morphed” into a better, less neoconish, politician? The time to find out is now. Tick.. Tick.. Tick..