Democrat champion of the mid 00′s, John “Dirty” Kerry was almost president of the United States. However, due to the possibility of voter fraud in Ohio, Johnny Boy fell victim to the knee-slapping shenanigans of Bush II: Electric Boogaloo and his homeboy, Karl “The Mailman” Rove. Lots of people voted for Kerry, including me, and in a time when the United States was becoming disgusted with Bush policy, it looked as if Kerry could take the throne. Alas, it was not so and Dirty Kerry went back to being senator of Massachusetts. What many people don’t know about Kerry, is that he has quite an interesting past. That is why I am here, to shed some light on the life of a man who was nearly president. Man I said? Well, that might not be entirely true. Read on.
John Forbes Kerry was born in Aurora, Colorado to Richard J. Kerry and Rosemary Forbes Kerry in 1943. Richard Kerry was a member of the Army Air Corp during World War II. As a young child, John Boy often heard other Army men refer to his father as Lord Krominus, which puzzled him but he just brushed it off as some sort of military nickname. John Boy’s mom was a French born woman, who he remembers going to Saint-Briac, France with, where he witnessed the aftermath of the destruction of her childhood home by Nazis.
The young Dirty Kerry would spend his summers in France, where he would befriend his first cousin Brice Lalonde, who would later go on to become a French socialist and eventual leader of the Green Party who would run for president of France in 1981. Many believe that Lalonde’s socialist views shaped Kerry into the liberal champion he would grow up to be. Shortly after, John Boy’s father was sent to Norway and John Boy was sent to boarding school in Massachusetts.
After years of boarding school, in 1959, Kerry established the John Winant Society at St. Paul’s School in Concord, New Hampshire. The society, which still exists today, was created as a platform for its members to debate the political issues of the day. In 1960, Kerry made his first political speech ever. In that speech he endorsed John F. Kennedy as president. This led to Dirty Kerry volunteering on Ted Kennedy’s first Senatorial campaign. Kerry then dated Jackie O’s half-sister, which opened the door for Kerry to meet John F. Kennedy at the Kennedy Family Estate in Rhode Island.
Dirty Kerry then went to Yale where he studied political science, got a Bachelor of Arts degree, played soccer, hockey, lacrosse and took up fencing. He also learned how to fly during this time. Kerry quickly became the president of the Yale Political Union. He was a big supporter of civil rights and used his power to spread his liberal ideas throughout the Yale student body. Kerry also became a member of the infamous Skull & Bones Society at Yale. It was in that society, that he learned about what he truly was.
In the Skull & Bones Society, with future rival for the American throne George W. Bush, John “Dirty” Kerry was a part of a black mass ritual where the darkly shrouded leaders of the organization strapped him down to a stone altar and drained some of his blood into a golden chalice. The leaders of the group then proceeded to drink the blood from the chalice. A puzzled Kerry started to become angry. The leaders laughed and told him to release his anger. In doing so, Kerry’s hands formed into hooves, his hair grew into a long flowing mane and his body mass increased, snapping the straps into pieces. The leaders dropped the chalice and bowed to him. They claimed that drinking his blood triggered him to tap into his full potential. Standing over a reflection pool at the foot of the altar, Kerry saw his horselike complexion in a new light. He was towering at eight feet tall. He was a werehorse.
The Skull & Bones Society, already sworn to secrecy, assured Kerry that his secret would always remain safe as long as he used that secret to fulfill the agenda of the Society. Kerry agreed, left his brothers in blood and even though he was opposed to the war in Vietnam, he quickly enlisted in the Naval Reserve and went into the Officer Candidate School. Kerry had to discover the warrior roots of his bloodline. Before leaving he met with his father. His father told him that he was the heir to the throne of the werehorse people, that he was the next Lord Krominus.
Kerry served on the USS Gridley but quickly became the leader of a swift boat crew. Kerry would lead patrol teams of five into enemy waters. While on a patrol, Kerry’s crew came across a group of men who were unloading sampans. The group ran while shooting back, injuring Kerry’s left arm. Kerry’s men fired, destroying the sampans and they then quickly fled. Kerry was awarded his first Purple Heart.
Shortly after this, Kerry’s crew, in their swift boats, were accompanying support helicopters when they were attacked by the enemy. The helicopters were severely damaged and had to retreat. Kerry trekked on and fought through the Viet Cong. His boat was hit by an RPG and Kerry got shrapnel in his leg. Even with the severe injury and blood loss, Kerry and his crew made it safely to their destination. He was awarded his second Purple Heart.
Just eight days later, John Boy led his crew and two others with help from Southern Vietnamese soldiers in an eight boat formation against the growing Viet Cong forces on the Duong Keo River. Their mission was to demolish enemy sampans, structures and bunkers. Running into an ambush, Kerry ordered his soldiers to charge the crafty Viet Cong. The leader of the Viet Cong had a rocket launcher aimed at Kerry’s boat. Kerry jumped off the boat and the Viet Cong leader ran for his life. Kerry rapidly apprehended the VC leader and took him out, gaining the loaded rocket launcher. A Vietnamese legend says that during the battle Kerry seemingly disappeared but the Viet Cong were quickly taken out by a giant “horse man”. Kerry received the Silver Star for his awesome victory.
Kerry led many other EPIC missions but after doing this for awhile, the team was disbanded as they were not “accomplishing their goals”. Kerry was outraged by this. After leaving Vietnam, Dirty Kerry returned to anti-war activism.
Throughout the years after the war, John Boy ran for Congress but failed to win, he became a district attorney and then became Lieutenant Governor of Massachusetts under Michael Dukakis.
Kerry ran for Senate in 1984 and won, being sworn in in 1985. Early in his Senatorial career, Kerry rose to national prominence as one of the senators that proposed that there be Senate hearings to investigate the events that became known as the Iran-Contra Scandal. The infamous Kerry Committee Report found that “the Contra drug links included … payments to drug traffickers by the U.S. State Department of funds authorized by the Congress for humanitarian assistance to the Contras, in some cases after the traffickers had been indicted by federal law enforcement agencies on drug charges, in others while traffickers were under active investigation by these same agencies.”
Kerry also went on to expose Bush I’s involvement with Noriega. He even caught flack from his own party, the Democrats, for exposing some of their bullshit politics and back room deals. Even though his party was not happy with him, he was a strong vice president candidate in 2000. Well, in 2004, he was a strong candidate for the Democratic bid for president and after the Democratic primaries, he was the last man standing.
Opposing his Skull & Bones blood brother, Bush II: Cruise Control, Dirty Kerry had his work cut out for him. The election of 2004 was dirty and insane and it was unclear as to who had the advantage. Bush had pissed off a lot of people with his war mongering tactics and big government policies but he also had the religious right and the Redneck Committee for the Equality of Idiocy (RCEI) in his back pocket. In the end, Kerry lost but the circumstances around the election were very sketchy. Bush had a way of winning elections in an extremely shady manner.
Since 2004, Dirty Kerry hasn’t really been up to much other than parking his $7 million dollar yacht in another state to avoid taxes. A lot of people are pissed about that but hey, those taxes gotta be pretty hefty. You know liberals, they protect their money and spend yours. It is in their nature, you can’t hate them for it. I really just think that there needs to be a program set up to help liberals deal with and to overcome their idiosyncrasies. I’d definitely let them put my wasted tax dollars towards that.
Anyway, Kerry is a busy guy. As the newest incarnation of Lord Krominus, he has to deal with other worldly affairs as well as leading the Werehorse Kingdom against their enemies, the Liches of Gibraltar. I’m hoping the werehorses win and Kerry proves to his own people, that he is a deserving war hero and and awesome leader. I personally don’t agree with Kerry’s policies and political ideas but I respect the guy and applaud him for being a natural badass and having the balls to call out his own party on their own bullshit. Keep kicking ass Kerry!
Here is his cousin Beau Kerry, who is actually a wereunicorn.
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