This article was inspired by the claim that Dennis Miller made on “The O’Reilly Factor” last night, that Millard Fillmore was the first person to have a steam powered colonoscopy. I had to investigate and see if Miller’s claims were true and indeed they are. The shocking thing is all this other awesome info I’ve uncovered. Read on.
Millard “Pass the Dutch” Fillmore was the lucky 13th President of the United States of America and a suave swashbuckler. I know I know, I said that Polk was the last swashbuckler and in his own way he was, as he was the last president under the banner of the Swashbuckling Party, more commonly known as the Jacksonian Democrats. Fillmore was not a Jacksonian Democrat, he was the last remaining notable member of the Whig Party. Oddly enough, Fillmore did not wear a wig.
Fillmore’s life started when he was born to pirates in a log cabin in the Finger Lakes region of New York State in 1800: a region named after the loose pirate wenches that followed their retired clientele up from Tortuga. Being born the same year as the tumultuous election between John “sans Quincy” Adams and Thomas Jefferson, Fillmore was destined to become the leader of the greatest nation ever.
In his early life, Millie was kidnapped by Freemasons and held in an underground lair where they drained his blood and used it in rituals because their owlgoat god could see into the future and knew that Fillmore would one day be the leader of the free world. Millie escaped their lair, after burning down their underground temples and murdering all of the masons with a small hatchet and nutcracker. The owlgoat god, Aeigitecuhtli, swore revenge against Mill FIll.
After his horrible capture and escape, Fillmore had a severe distaste for Freemasons and he quickly joined the Anti-Masonic Party, which was later renamed the Whig Party, as they didn’t want to be ousted for ripping Masons out of their cabins and stringing their intestines all over New York State while they still breathed. They blamed these attacks on werewolves, which were a big problem in New York at the time. As a member of the Anti-Masons, Millie was elected to the New York State Assembly. He was then elected to Congress and served as chair of the House Ways & Means Committee. He was also the author of the Tariff of 1842.
He left Congress and failed to become Governor of New York, as a psychological struggle for his mind against the vengeful owlgoat god, Aeigitecuhtli, distracted him long enough for his rivals to defeat him. Millie didn’t let that keep him down, he quickly became the first New York State Comptroller. He destroyed New York’s banking system and created a new system, which would later serve as the model for the future National Banking System. Many believe that this was not Mill Fill’s doing, as it was reported that Aeigitecuhtli possessed him during this time.
Fillmore was then nominated Vice President under the strange and wacky Zachory Taylor. Fillmore and Taylor butted heads on many issues, the biggest being slavery. Zack Attack was opposed to slavery, whereas Fillmore was for it. Fillmore was quoted as saying, “God knows that I detest slavery, but it is an existing evil … and we must endure it and give it such protection as is guaranteed by the Constitution.” Some think that this was the owlgoat god talking. We’ll never really know.
Whacky Zacky suddenly died, a year or so into his presidency. It is believed that Aeigitecuhtli was responsible for the president’s demise, as he felt that he could gain permanent control over Millie’s mind and rule the world with Millie’s human flesh as his vessel. Aeigitecuhtli’s devious plan may have been successful. However, his rule would not last long.
As president, Millard Fillmore really didn’t do much. He found the White House to be devoid of books so he created the White House Library. Other than that, he helped divert the country from Civil War but that only lasted a decade and it was at the expense of a lot of black people. Most of his presidency was spent fighting the civil war in his own mind. Aeigitecuhtli had a strong grip on Millie and their mind battles took a huge physical toll on Fillmore. Without even realizing it, his presidency came and went in the blink of an eye.
One morning, when Mill Fill woke up after suffering a seizure in defeating Aeigitecuhtli, Franklin Pierce was standing over him and told him to get out of his damn house. That is when Fillmore realized that he was no longer president. Pierce kicked him in the ass, slapped him in the back of the head and tossed him onto the White House lawn with his luggage. Aeigitecuhtli tried to leave Millie and attach himself to Pierce but Millie was able to keep the evil owlgoat god within his own flesh. Fillmore then sought out a witch doctor to exorcize and destroy Aeigitecuhtli.
After his presidency, Fillmore spent his time establishing the University of Buffalo, speaking out against the newly formed Republican Party and their golden boy, Abraham Lincoln. The Whig Party dissolved and the Anti-Mason front was not there to stop the growth of the Illuminati, the Trilateral Commission, the Knights Templar or the Bilderberg Group. The Bohemian Grove was established, where Aeigitecuhtli was worshipped as an owl god, as he dropped the goat thing and changed his name.
At the age of 74, Fillmore died of a stroke in a final attempt to destroy Aeigitecuhtli. His aged and weathered body was no longer able to sustain the mental and physical attacks of the owlgoat god. His fall was a big victory for the Freemasons and Aeigitecuhtli. In the end, Fillmore left a blemished flash of a near empty legacy. Most schools don’t even teach about him because there isn’t a lot of material on Fillmore. Also, teaching about owlgoat gods would upset the sensitive liberal hippies and the crazy evangelical conservatives.
The Whig Party died with Millard Fillmore but his demons lived on and are now worshipped by naked politicians and gay porn stars running around in the woods of northern California.