I haven’t written dick this month. Why? Because I’ve been busier than a 14 year-old Jodie Foster taking the direction of Martin Scorsese. She was a hooker for those that didn’t get the reference, which I hope is none of you. Anyway, my book is finally out and most likely you haven’t bought a copy so you should probably fucking do that right now. Here it is. Buy it! I need money to fund my ninja training and moonshine operation!
So yeah, I wrote a book. Well, actually, I compiled a lot of my writings and had enough for a massive book and had to trim the fat down and make it a bit smaller for the masses. Well, that and I wanted to keep the price fairly low because a thick book would’ve costed the buyer a bit more money and I’m all about giving you a deal.
Apart from my book, my campaign to get Joy Behar fired was cut short by the fact that she blocked me on Twitter. I feel honored though. She is now added to a list that includes Barack Obama and Charlie Crist among other douchebags who can’t seem to handle “views” that differ from their own. Joy Behar is a drunken shitpickle that needs to find another line of work. Maybe she should go back to letting Rosie O’Donnell sit on her face while she eats huevos divorciados. For those that don’t know, Joy was Rosie’s fluffer back in the day; she used to prepare her master for her nightly dance of the flies ritual with a shaved and oiled up brown-throat three-toed sloth. Oh god! I just got a mental image. I need to wash my mind with Purell.
I’ve also been preoccupied because my cousin just got married. The bachelor party took a lot out of me but the overabundance of titties and angeldust was epicly EPIC. I left in a Hummer limo and got back getting a hummer from the limo driver. He is gay, I’m not, but I figured, “what the hell”. No, I didn’t get a buhjeezer from his gay lips but I did wake up covered in vomit and donkey piss while dressed like the Green Lantern. The lapdance that I got that night was utterly stellar but the domestic beer I kept drinking was as bad as the piss from the aforementioned donkey. Man, I spent too much money that night but it was worth it.
I’ve also been busy with some political stuff behind the scenes. I’m blowing up in big ways and have to keep fighting the good fight. Hopefully November 2nd is a disappointment. Man, I hope Harry Reid is gone and Pelosi goes back to sitting on the House floor. I’m sick of watching Skeletor unveil her master plan to her minions on my dime. Shit, imagine how C-SPAN must feel. Ratings must’ve tanked since that gross sack of shit has been on their screens for damn near 4 years now.
Kali Eskrima is also a part of my life now. Basically, it’s martial arts where one gets hit with sticks and stabbed with knives all the time. I need to focus a lot more of my energy in that as I really like it. I’m also learning some ninjitsu and wing chun with it. I’m going to be so badass that Christopher Nolan will want me to replace Christian Bale in Batman 3 (or Dark Knight 2). I still want to add fencing to my repertoire so I can be a true swashbuckler.
Here’s what Eskrima looks like:
I’ve recently cut ties with a lot of people in my personal life. I’ve got big plans, I’m moving forward and I don’t need any vampires sucking at the teet of my awesomeness to drain me and distract me from the big mission in front of me. I’m pretty badass and I don’t need fairweather people, bitchass fools and whiney hoes cramping my style. I’ve got a big dick and there is a big world just asking to get blessed with my seed. I bitchslap bullshit and benchpress idiocy to the moon. Fuck, I’m really just starting to sound like the Ultimate Warrior.
Anyway, I’m already pondering ideas for my second book and I started writing about Benedict Arnold. I’m not sure what that is going to turn into but we shall see in time. Until next post my loyal Swashies, keep up the good fight and continue to piss in the eye of tyranny!