The Art of Conservative Hypocrisy

This is a sequel, or follow up, to my blog from last month: The Art of Liberal Hypocrisy. In that blog I stated that I would have to write one about conservative hypocrisy as well. So without further muthaphuckin ado, here it is.

Many conservative leaders are just as full of shit as liberal leaders and leaving them unscathed by my wrath wouldn’t be fair. Being in the middle makes it quite easy to play devil’s advocate. With the machine seemingly broken on both sides of the spectrum, both Democrats and Republicans have become caricatures of themselves and often times force themselves into being the antithesis of one another even at their own expense. It’s all pretty lame but that’s the way it is and will probably always be. So with that said, let’s start picking on some conservadouches.

The first conservative dickbag I’d like to dump some shit on is uberdouche almighty Mitt “rhymes with shit” Romney. Maybe pointing out that Mitt rhymes with shit was a little too obvious but I don’t give a tit because it’s my blog. So yeah, Mittens has been verbally berating Barack Obama for his assholish and ultimately tyrannical healthcare bill. Granted, that healthcare bill is a big pile of socialist ass mousse but Mittens bitching about this is pretty fucking hypocritical and douchey. Although no one can out douche Obama. Anyway, Romney said that Obama’s healthcare plan is “a big government takeover of healthcare and an ineffective approach.” Funny asshat, because weren’t you the father of the glorious shit stain on healthcare in Massachusetts known as Romneycare? Romneycare was basically the BETA version of Obamacare. About Romney’s plan, the Wall Street Journal said, “it closely resembles what Democrats are trying to do in Washington.” Huh? Really? The libertarian think tank, the Cato Institute said, “In 2006, the Bay State enacted a slate of reforms that almost perfectly mirror the plan of Obama and congressional Democrats.” Well fuck me with a walrus tusk! Maybe progressive fucktard Romney needs a refresher in history: history he created. I’m actually not even sure why Mittens is a Republican? GOPers seem to love him too: maybe because he is handsome and has Hollywood hair. In reality, he is a shitty representation of what his party is supposed to be about. I’m sure he’d be a Democrat if it wasn’t for the whole Mormon thing.. or is it Amish? I don’t know.

The next hypocrite of the GOP I’d like to throw under the proverbial bus (but it probably won’t do much as his skeleton is that of a T-800) is Arnold “Dutch” Schwarzenegger. When not killing Predators or drug cartels from fictitious South American countries, Dutch is driving over his state in one of his several Hummers. Now that’s all cool and badass and shit and I wish I could do the same, however it is a bit hypocritical when you are trying to be the Cali King of Eco Friendliness. Cali King as in “king of the state”, not a mattress size. M.C. Arnie has been pretty outspoken against eco evils to the point that he is either drinking a lot of liberal punch or that he believes the eco evils to be henchmen of Cullen Crisp, Sr. (that was a shitty “Kindergarten Cop” reference, don’t hate yourself for not catching it). Recently being forced to stop taking his Gulfstream to work everyday, it’s pretty obvious that the Running Man isn’t taking his own advice too seriously, or he is just of the Pope Gore mindset, where it is okay for him to do it because he has to speak out against the evil, so using the evil to crush the evil is somehow good. I guess it’s like when John Connor sent the Terminator back to kill the other Terminator. You’d think that being a top GOP M.C. married to a Kennedy would be a walking contradiction but Conan can do whatever he wants because he is fucking Conan. Then again, he was Mr. Freeze too.

The next one on my list is George “AT-AT Walker” Bush. That’s the old one if you don’t know the difference. Georgie at the 1988 Republican Convention boldly made his most memorable quote, “Read my lips! NO! MORE! TAXES!” That triumphant line was met with thunderous applause and he quickly became the next President of the United States of America. Georgie Boy started off his tenure pretty solid and seemed to be living up to his promise. The Democratic ran Congress kept trying to make more taxes and King Bush the First kept vetoing the shit out of them. However, by 1990, the elder Bush caved and gave in to the overwhelming power of the Democratic Congress, who were using Sith alchemy. Taxes went up, Bush had egg on his face and along came Bill “Pass the J” Clinton. Clinton used Bush Sr.’s hypocrisy against him. Clinton kicked Bush’s ass out of the White House (with help from fickle Troll King Ross Perot) and no Bush would have the Oval Office again until Georgie’s son Georige II recaptured his family’s throne. Truth be told, Georgie II just wanted to beat Clinton and his liberal sex toy Al Gore for stepping on his daddy’s nuts. He also wanted to get revenge against Iraq and have an international platform to express his tongue and cheek humor which became known as Bushisms.

The last contestant on the Conservative Hypocrisy Show is the Queen of Conservatism and Tea Party Princess, Sarah “Wish I was nailin” Palin. Mizz Saruhz is quite outspoken these days at the Tea Parties and she is very much against big government. Hell, that’s awesome, so am I! So what exactly makes her a harlot bathing in hypocrisy? Well, these claims of being anti-big government don’t seem to fit her track record. As Governor of Alaska, Mizz Saruhz was pretty strongly against the infamous “bridge to nowhere”: a $233 million dollar waste of federal funds being dumped into Alaska to literally build a massive bridge to nowhere. Looking back further, Palin actually supported this project. The only reason why she changed her pace is because Congress went into a massive uproar about it. Palin quickly changed her stance. Mizz Anti-Big Gubmint also looks pretty damn hypocritical when looking at the following facts (all of which where within her tenure as Governlady). The U.S. Census chart shows that government expenditures are the highest in Alaska out of all 50 states. Alaska averaged (and I believe it’s more now) about $14,000 per citizen from the federal government. That’s $4,000 more than any other state at that time except for less than a handful. Alaska also during her tenure, got back $1.84 per every dollar paid into the U.S. Treasury, even with their high per capita income. Right before being named John McCant’s VP running mate, Palin sent a $200 million dollar funding request to the federal government. Anti-Big Gub? I don’t fucking think so. Maybe the Tea Party needs to find a new Jesus. Then again, she just hijacked the shit out of the Tea Party and none of the right wing q-tip hippies seemed to mind.

Being a libertarian, it is hard for me to have any sort of faith in either political party. Both sides of the spectrum have good people and they also have dolts. I hate Romney, I only like Schwarzenegger’s early films, I was never a fan of either Bush and I think Palin is way hot for an older lady but I wouldn’t trust her to run my country. I’d really like to make out with her for a bit, just because she’s a MILF with a gun and that’s hot. I’m sorry, it just is. Anyway, look into people before you vote for them.