*Written by Rob Rimes.
To start, this isn’t going to be a nice piece. I’m pissed off. In fact, I am fucking furious and the tall glass (my fourth) of Buffalo Trace bourbon sitting next to my MacBook Pro, as I type, has got me trapped in full attack mode. This story starts with the festivities I encountered last night.
I was driving towards Ft. Myers Beach approaching the south side of the island on the only road that you can take to get there: a pitch black strip surrounded by water and mangroves on both sides. I was carefully pushing my car through what could only be described as a series of insane squalls summoned by evil pissed off bastard demigods in an attempt to force my small vehicle off of the bridges and to my death. I had left a pretty insane party and really needed a breather from the madness I had endured. My solution was to drive through the storm of the millennium to my ex-girlfriend’s beach condo where we would drink incredibly old bottles of wine and eat expensive cheeses before passing out and sleeping under the stars at our very secluded beach spot. By the time I had arrived at my destination, the storm had left the area. She and I walked down to our secluded spot, threw a big ass blanket on the ground (to avoid getting wet and sand in our asses) and began to enjoy our late night luxury snacks. Literally within seconds of my first sip of wine, we were hit by a bastard demigod squall without warning. We spent the next hour or so wrapped up in the thick ass blanket with our cheeses and wine.
We didn’t get any sleep and I really didn’t get to go home in the morning long enough to get a shower. I just had to grab a change of clothes and head into work as I had a big day ahead of me – we’re talking about thirteen advertising deadlines and the completion of show floor artwork for our biggest trade show of the year. Oddly, my strange state brought on by sleeplessness and inebriation had my mind firing off so quickly and so sharply that I plowed through the work in short time. I guess that was a good thing as I crashed hard around lunch time. When getting back to my office for the second half of my day, I noticed that a co-worker had forwarded me several news stories related to the election that he thought I’d find interesting. It’s been a weird few days for the election on both sides of the coin but as we near both parties’ big conventions in a month or so, things are certainly heating up.
To start, according to Gallup, Obama and Romney are in a dead heat. It looks like the trend has started to shift back towards Obama a bit, as Romney has been ahead for a few weeks now and even found himself leading in most of the swing states and he probably still does, despite Gallup’s numbers. You see, these are just bullshit polls that mean about as much to the presidential race as a half-eaten pudding cup. They are still fun to look at though. Besides that, wrapped around this bullshit numbers game is nothing less than a full blown war between the two men. This war is of course one of words not actual action, as neither men would actually fight for real like the soldiers they care so little about yet use - or in Romney’s case, would use – to accomplish their bullshit fucked up agendas. Honestly though, this is another gripe for another day but I did have to take the opportunity to insert my obligatory “fuck you” to both of these idiots’ foreign policy stances, which are basically identical. So one more time, fuck both of you power drunk tosspots! Moving on.
The next big election story right now involves Mitt Romney’s potential VP pick. Yesterday, the Drudge Report’s top headline announced that Condoleezza Rice was at the top of Ol’ Mittens wish list for friends to go with him on his magical journey to Mittmerica. Again, like John McCain and his big Palin folly of 2008, the Republicans are obviously selecting a running mate for their old white dude that covers the demographical bases that Mitt Romney can’t. In this case, like Sarah Palin, the conservatives are trying to bring in the women. Unlike Sarah Palin however, Condoleezza Rice is black. In typical GOP illogical logic, they are under the impression that by bringing in a black woman, the rest of the blacks will follow. Yep, just like all the blacks in America ran from Obama and jumped on the Cain Train, they will most certainly jump on the Rice Boat. You see, Republicans don’t realize just how insulting this bullshit is. Now I am not discrediting Condi, this really isn’t about her as a person or even a politician, this is about propping up the best person that the party could find that fits a certain mold that is outside of the Republican norm. These old white dudes are trying so hard to expand their base, as they have now come to the realization that they don’t have a choice in the matter – if they want to survive, and in making their selection in the way that they do, it isn’t just insulting to the intelligence of Americans who actually pay attention to this freak show, it is a slap in the face of Condoleezza Rice, who is just being pulled into the middle of the situation. It was fucking obvious what they tried to pull with Sarah Palin and it is just as obvious that this is the same tactic they are employing with Condi. And honestly, even if Romney isn’t actually considering Ms. Rice, someone fed that story to the mainstream media and that somebody is definitely a person at the top of the GOP wolfpack.
In another effort to gain black appeal, Mitt Romney spoke to the NAACP. To be completely honest here, they asked for him to speak. Romney accepted the invitation and gave them his typical economic based campaign speech. During that speech there were some boos but at the end, the man did get a nice ovation from some of the people and for the Romney camp, the event probably went pretty well despite the liberal side of the mainstream media’s attempt at making Mitt out to be a fool trying to pull the wool over the eyes of black Americans. In fact, Nancy Pelosi was quick to rush to the closest microphone she could find just to tell America that Governor Romney only attended the NAACP event in order to generate boos from the crowd. Pelosi referred to this conspiracy theory of hers as a “calculated move” on Romney’s part, as if getting booed by the most well-known and largest African American group in the country was somehow going to prove a point to the rest of America that all blacks are racist and Romney is trying to divide people into opposing groups. Yet, in her actions and her rhetoric, this is exactly what Nancy Pelosi is doing. You’ve got to understand how these tricky fucking liberals work and catch them at their moronic game. The question I pose is, what the fuck would Pelosi have said if Mitt turned down the NAACP’s invitation? C’mon, you know. The crazy bitch would’ve flat out called him a racist for not standing up in front of black people and giving them a speech they requested. He would’ve been labeled a bigoted asshole and they would have painted him out to be someone who had turned his back on not just blacks, but ALL minorities. The problem with this garbage, is that enough people still buy into it. Pelosi needs to retire, as she just continues to make herself look like the stupid fucking asshole that she is. And goddamn it, she is so fucking good at it! In her retirement, she could revert back to her old ways and focus her efforts on drinking the blood of young girls in an attempt to stay youthful – the Elizabeth Bathory of San Francisco! She has missed a few sessions over the last couple of years based off of the fact that she looks like Skeletor’s ass. Then again, maybe I’m being incredibly harsh on the old broad because if it wasn’t for Nancy Pelosi, we’d never know what a steaming pile of shit would look like if it had a mouth and could actually talk.
So not only is Pelosi attacking Romney but Obama is getting his shots in too. He’s been running ads about Mitt and his involvement with Bain Capital. Obama claims that Romney has lied about the length of his tenure at Bain and is trying to expose Romney as a fraud who was responsible for some of the supposedly bad business decisions Bain has made throughout the years. This is just dirty shitshow theatrics at its finest and the media is fucking relishing in it. “When did Romney actually leave Bain?” “Was he running the company when this went down?” “Is he a liar?” “Is Obama a liar?” Blah, blah, blaggity fucking blah! The truth is, this shit isn’t important, it is a distraction and it detracts from Barack Obama having to make the rounds and explain himself on ObamaCare, which just survived the Supreme Court and pissed most Americans off. This also frees Obama up from dealing with economic questions, as the United States’ economic condition is about as awesome as finding a piss-covered naked wino in your bed puking into your pillow cases. Romney isn’t taking this lightly mind you. He has refered to Obama as “reckless and absurd”, “deceptive and dishonest” and “beneath the dignity of his office”. He’s called Obama’s actions “disgusting” and “demeaning” and has even demanded an apology. Good luck on that one Ol’ Mittens.
It has been a busy and fucked up week on the campaign trail for both of these jackasses and the filthiness will only get much much worse as we head towards the conventions and ultimately, Election Day in November. There will be more cheap shots, more blood, sweat and tears and certainly more entertainment. Like the bastard squall that tried to throw me off of bridges and bury me at sea, this presidential race has been, and will continue to be, just as tumultuous and dangerous. We are all living in a TV set with a broken dial – stuck on the worst reality show possible. But we’ll be okay because the one thing that America loves more than anything else is trash.
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