The Republican National Convention, Part I

*Written by Rob Rimes.

1. Introduction:

We have finally arrived! We have now made it to the Republican National Convention and over the course of four three days we were served up some pretty solid speeches but unfortunately, for the most part, it was just more bullshit and generic establishment filler than anything with any real substance. I’m not trying to be a prick, I just have to call it like I see it and really, what else would you expect from the big wig GOPers? To add to that bit of awfulness, we also witnessed a horrible display of tyranny in the form of the GOP elite using their power to fuck over Ron Paul and any other candidate in the future who will try and use the Paul delegate collecting strategy. Overall, all bullshit aside, I did enjoy watching the freaks and it got me geared up for the final leg of this arduous and seemingly endless presidential race. Let’s go through this massive big baller event day-by-day.

2. Day One – The Shitstorm Hits the Shitshow:

Let’s talk about Day One. For the most part, this day didn’t even happen. A few people showed up to the RNC, a gavel was slammed and then everyone pretty much went back to their hotel rooms or strip club VIP areas. The reason for this is due to the scare of Hurricane Issac. You see, leading up to the Republican’s big week, there was a chance that a potential category 1 or category 2 storm could hit the event site: Tampa, FL.

Oh my god the horror! A little drizzle and a little rain were enough to get the GOP to cancel the first day and nearly postpone the whole damn show! Hell, the stupid storm turned Fox News into the goddamned Weather Channel! I’ve never seen Fox News spend so much time on hurricane coverage, even during and after Katrina. It actually got to the point where all they talked about was the storm. On the odd occurrence where they actually took a second to cover some other news, the television screen was two-thirds full of a doppler radar graphic showing the hurricane slowly creeping towards Florida yet still billions of miles away.

So Monday morning, while the Republican elite were devising an escape plan from the doomsday rain and the banshee wind, I got up, went to work like normal and actually stopped off at Subway to get a breakfast sandwich. Yes, Subway was open while the thousands of Republicans attending the RNC along with the Fox News sensationalists were running around like spider monkeys chomping Adderall, as if it was candy corn! What a bunch of poons! Man the fuck up people, you’re safe in your damn fortress-like arena and Tampa isn’t an infrastructure nightmare like New Orleans was in 2005.

The first day was a waste and really, there was no need for it. I get the whole thing about being prepared but where the hell do they send evacuees during a storm? They send them to a giant fucking arena! The Republicans were already in a giant fucking arena! Okay, I’m done. Let’s move on to the second day, where things actually happened.

3. Day Two, Part I – The Fight on the Floor:

Day Two started off with a bang, as the establishment came out and showed complete disregard for the hard work of the Ron Paul campaign and all the delegates the campaign amassed and brought with them to the RNC. As RNC Chairman Reince Priebus and House Speaker John Boehner hit the stage, the Paulites were ready to have their pick for president be properly acknowledged alongside Mitt Romney, as someone still in this race with the possibility of taking the nomination. Now while this is a pretty ambitious thought at this point in the race, the delegates did have a point, they were there for a reason and even though they all should have been prepared to see Mitt Romney get the nomination, they were still technically in the hunt and should have been given the proper respect. So what went down exactly?

Well, first of all, the Republican Party announced that they were changing the rules. This change to the GOP’s rulebook would make it much more difficult, if not impossible, for inner-party insurgencies by the supporters and delegates of outside candidates like Ron Paul. The RNC leaders have now made it so that in all future elections, delegates are bound to vote for the candidate that wins their state’s primary or caucus. Basically, it is a winner-takes-all scenario! So what’s the point of any candidate not close to first place in any given state to even waste money and time campaigning in that state when there is nothing for them to walk away with? We already witnessed Dr. Paul not campaigning in winner-take-all states because it would be a waste of his efforts when he could campaign in states where he had a chance to walk away with a piece of the pie. Ron Paul, who collected 158 delegates, in the future, would have none. The GOP has created a delegate monopoly for whoever is their frontrunner in future elections!

To add to the GOP’s tyrannical bullshit, the RNC refused to recognize a few dozen Ron Paul delegates and also refused to treat Dr. Paul like a serious candidate. This was Mitt Romney’s week and the establishment wasn’t going to allow a Ron Paul hijacking by any means. Even though these new rules didn’t take effect in this election, they just decided to blow off Dr. Paul and his delegates regardless of their success. It absolutely shocks me that this sort of corruption and election fraud, yes fraud, can be committed blatantly out in the open and nobody in the mainstream media, even the liberal media – who should want to expose this, seems to give a fuck. No, Ron Paul wasn’t going to win but for fuck’s sake, play by the rules you yourself established! What the hell are these establishment cockpuppets so goddamned afraid of?

Adding more insult to injury, RNC Secretary Kim Reynolds did not read out the delegate votes for any other candidate other than Mitt Romney, as the GOP had its mind made up and that was that! This enraged the delegates and things got very vocal. There were a few middle fingers and obscenities shouted on the convention floor and the entire group of delegates from Maine walked out of the RNC in protest. Many Paul supporters followed in support of the Maine delegates.

4. Day Two, Part II – Great Speeches Surrounded by a Sea of Santorum:

After the revolt by the Ron Paul people, things went much smoother for the Republican establishment. Mitt Romney was officially handed the nomination and the stage was ablaze with several speakers, all trying to paint the picture that Mitt Romney was going to save us from the tyranny of big government with more big government. Now I don’t agree with a lot of the things many of these speakers said but some of them still knocked it out of the park and offered up some great sound bites for hardcore Republicans and Anti-Obamaists to play over and over so they can stay pumped heading towards November.

The first speaker worth mentioning is Mia Love, the African-American mayor of Saratoga Springs, Utah. Love wanted to talk about the America she knows. She went on to tell a story of how her parents immigrated to America from Haiti in 1970 with just ten dollars in their pockets and the hope that America was as great as the stories they had heard. She said that they didn’t turn to Washington when they went through tough times, they looked within and did what was necessary to make it. She went on to talk about self-reliance and living the American Dream through hard work and making it on your own. She gave a great speech, regardless of what side of the fence your views are on. This was the first time I have ever heard of her. She is running for Congress in her district and I don’t see how she can be stopped following this speech. I have a feeling that Mia Love will be around for years to come.

Unfortunately, she was followed up by America’s biggest gay-hating Jesus-lusting dickhead – Senator Ass Juice a.k.a. Rick Santorum. He came out and talked about being a first generation American as his family immigrated over from some Italian mountain. He got on a rant that was a mirror copy of Mia Love’s speech but his had no soul and and pretty much just switched out Haiti for an Italian mountain. He talked about Obama being an asshole and blamed his welfare policies for making Americans dependent and weak. He bitched about Obama’s spending and fiscal carelessness, completely disregarding his own spending and fiscal carelessness as a congressman and a senator. He went on about broken families and ended marriages and how kids and single mothers suffer. He talked about the assault on marriage and family in America, yet on the other hand, he doesn’t approve of orphans being adopted by gays or two gay parents getting married to have a more solid family structure in their private lives. Santorum moved on to bitching about Obama waiving the work requirement rule on welfare. Ricky Baby whined that he helped write the bill and it was “crystal clear” and the President can’t change it, yet he did so there ya go Rick.

Okay, this is where Santorum’s speech gets really fucking weird. He talked about traveling across America with his family and on his journey, shaking the hand of America and feeling it’s “strong grip”. He grasped the “dirty hands” of farmers and laborers who made America the breadbasket of the world. He’s gripped hands of miners, restaurant workers, steel mill workers and trapeze artists. He felt eight parts Jesus and five parts America in their touch! He’s touched hands of bankers, grocers, hotel managers and hands that serve the military, the Lord and caesar salads! He’s touched hands of soldiers, children and families, albeit not ones with gay parents. He felt the touch of hands straining for dignity, hands without jobs and hands refusing to give up hope! He cradled the “broken hands of the disabled”!

He then shifts all this into people wanting to reach out to him because of his daughter who passed away. What the fuck? Here he goes playing this card again. Santorum reminds me of this guy that used to work for my company who at every Christmas party, year after year, would take the mic away from the DJ and thank the company for being there when one of his family members died; all the company did was allow him to have time off and some of them attended the funeral. Now while this was a tragedy, this ex-co-worker like Santorum continually has to bring up a horrible event in his life because no one will listen to him unless he is tugging on heart strings and fishing for sympathy. It’s fucked up, plain and simple. Now I get that Santorum losing his daughter was absolutely horrible and the first time I heard the story I was genuinely touched but every time he is standing before a crowd of more than six people, he has to pull this story out of his magic hat. He then ranted about faith and I walk away from the television to grab a Pabst and a bag of gummi worms. By the time I sat back down, the jackass was off of my television screen and thank fuck for that. Now with his RNC appearance in the books, I hope I don’t have to see this stupid bag of assholes for a very long time.

The next speaker on Day Two worth talking about is Kelly Ayotte, a U.S. Senator from New Hampshire who many thought Mitt Romney would choose as his running mate. She started out by mentioning that “Live Free or Die” is the motto of her state. She went on to talk about hard work, which seemed to be this RNC’s theme due to Barack Obama’s now infamous speech where he told business owners, “You didn’t build that! We all did!” or something along those lines. Ayotte told the crowd that she and her husband built a business and often times, she drove a snow plow. She said that they had no choice, they had to start a business, take the risk, borrow the money and had to make it work. She explained that that isn’t any different than what most small business owners in America must go through. This led into her describing how Obama’s policies have created too much red tape for families to go out and start businesses and thus, it makes it harder for them to survive and stay above water. She continued on this tangent for several minutes and hit all of the typical Republican talking points. I think she did a good job and I can see why people really like her. She is a rising star within the GOP and I feel that she will be a major player in a few years. Time will tell.

Wisconsin’s rock star leader Governor Scott Walker had the next notable speech and focused mainly on the economy and creating jobs. He slammed tax increases and out of control budgets. He said that he measures success by how many people aren’t under the care of government programs. He brought up the fiasco of his recent second term win and the Democrats and unions that tried to stop him but couldn’t. He promoted business and less regulation. He touted his job creation record through his reforms. This led to Gov. Walker talking about how this is the Republican platform and it mirrors what Mitt Romney will do as the United States President. Walker bashed the federal government for going in the opposite direction while under the leadership of Obama and the Democrats. He then pimped out Mitt Romney’s record in business and job creation. All in all, he was a great speaker and hit his points well. Walker, like everyone else mentioned in this article not named Santorum, could have a very bright future in the Republican Party.

Former congressman and former Democrat Artur Davis was the next person at the RNC to give a memorable speech. He immediately mentioned that the last time he spoke at a convention it was the 2008 Democratic National Convention and he was there in support of Barack Obama. Hell, Rep. Artur Davis was the co-chair on Obama’s 2008 campaign and just one election cycle later, he is making waves in Tampa at the Republican National Convention in support of Barack Obama’s rival Mitt Romney. Davis went on to call Romney the best business executive to run for president in sixty years. He trashed the Democratic Party’s attack ads and said all they did was convince him that Romney can’t sing. Artur said that he, along with many Americans, were blinded in 2008 by Hollywood stars, fancy smoke machines and fake Greek pillars at the last convention he attended. He then poked fun at Obama’s famous line in 2008 about the oceans rising slow and the planet beginning to heal and how it really just foreshadowed a shitty economy, rising gas prices and more debt. He continued on with the Obama bashing but unlike your typical Republican, he delivered it from the point-of-view of a person who was once under the shadow of Obama and because of that, had an inside view and eventually saw the forest for the trees and got the fuck out. Davis gave a fantastic speech and it was one of the highlights of Day Two for sure. I wonder what this guy’s future is now that he is a very welcomed member of the GOP.

After Artur Davis was done, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley hit the stage and showed America why she is so beloved in her state. She immediately turned on the anti-Obama rhetoric but did it in a way that was incredibly eloquent and more sincere than a lot of the other Republicans who spoke before her. Gov. Haley talked about how South Carolina is a great state for manufacturing and is therefore a great example to shatter the myth that American manufacturing is dead. Obama is then put on blast for his way of running things and all of the rules, regulations and red tape the federal government uses that stifle innovation and economic growth. She told the story of the hundreds of South Carolina workers who built a giant plane without the looming presence of unions. Haley built off of that and said that we need a president, unlike Obama, who will stand up for the people and not pander to the union thugs they consider political allies. Nikki Haley ended her speech by talking about how well she knows the Romneys and how they are great people.

5. Day Two, Part III – Chris Christie and Ann Romney Turn Up the Heat:

The last hour of the night was split in half between potential future First Lady Ann Romney and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Both of these speeches were great and really set the stage for the rest of the Republican National Convention. Let’s get into them in the order they happened.

Ann Romney approached the stage and she was beaming. She had one objective in mind on this night and she was damned sure she was going to achieve it. Ann talked about “love”. She talked about the love of her family and most importantly, she talked about the love of her husband, Mitt. She told the story of how they met and gave us the Cliff Notes version of their history. Ann Romney did this in a way that truly connected with the people watching. She came across like a real First Lady and not some angry nanny state health nut that wants to slap sugary drinks out of our hands and turn our Food Pyramid into a stupid plate-looking pie chart.

Ann Romney talked about how Mitt was always there to help people and that his charity is from the heart. She talked about his business record and how he created jobs and opportunities for thousands of people over the years. She said that no one will care about America as passionately as her husband. She vowed that he is determined to make America a better place to live. Mrs. Romney touted her husband’s success and asked if the attacks are necessary. She asked the crowd if success is a bad thing. She said that Mitt Romney wasn’t handed success in life; Mitt “built it!”

Going back to the charity of Mitt, Ann said that he is a bit embarrassed about talking about it because “he sees it as a privilege not a political talking point.” The arena erupted into applause after this line. Ann said that Mitt gives not because he has to but because there is no greater joy. She added that through his business acumen, Mitt created an environment where many people were well taken care of and that is just another example of how he gave back to people.

Ann Romney closed out her speech by saying that the people can trust Mitt and that he will get us back on the right track. The crowd went crazy and Mitt ran out to embrace and kiss his wife. As I see the two of them on stage, I do see the happiness they feel and the real affection and love they have for one another. It doesn’t mean I trust Mitt Romney and am going to vote for him, I’m not, but it does make me appreciate them as people and in all honesty, they do come across as sincere and caring. When I see the Obamas together, Barry looks perturbed because he can’t have a cigarette and waffle while Michelle just stares in anger thinking of all the times her hubby snuck off with Uncle Joe to Häagen-Dazs.

Finally, we have reached the main event of the evening and Mitt Romney’s hand-picked cheerleader for what is the RNC’s keynote address is none other than Chris Christie, the incredibly outspoken and entertaining Governor of New Jersey. Personally, I’m glad to see Christie go out and speak on such a large stage. He has been one of my favorite guys to watch in the Republican Party. He never disappoints and always tells it like it is. Now that’s not just a bullshit cliche description, this guy really lives up to it and his speech at the RNC just solidifies that fact.

Gov. Christie hit the arena hard and talked about how it is improbable for a New Jersey Republican to be out there giving the big keynote address. He started by talking about his upbringing and his parents’ struggle to make a great life for their family. He described what he took away from that and how the lessons of his parents have helped him in his marriage and as a father. Reflecting on his mother’s advice to him, he talked about love versus respect. He said that his mother always told him to go for respect over love because love is fleeting but respect can grow into real and lasting love. He said this advice applies to leadership not just relationships. He then warned us that we have become paralyzed by our desire to be loved and we’ve lost sight of gaining respect because it isn’t popular. Christie called for our leaders to stop blaming each other and to start working together to help save America. He implored our leaders to learn how to say “no” and to put respect before love.

Chris Christie then ran off several examples of how he put respect before love and how because of that, he defied the odds and started turning New Jersey around. He talked about how he lowered taxes, fought off the unions and taught the people of New jersey how to face the tough decisions and how to step up and share in the sacrifice to make New jersey a better place to live for all. He said that as a leader with these qualities, he forced New Jersey to face the truth and to act in order to fix the reality they brushed aside for far too long.

He then went into what it is that makes Republicans different than Democrats. He said that Republicans tell the people the truth about their woes and offer solutions on how to combat our fiscal disaster while the Democrats believe that the people don’t want to hear the truth and that they need to be coddled by big government. He continued by saying that Republicans are honest with senior citizens and can be truthful about the problems regarding the affordability of their entitlements while the Democrats believe that they need to scare senior citizens and get them full of enough fear to vote against the Republicans who want to reform and cut their entitlements. He also added that Democrats believe in teachers’ unions while Republicans believe in teachers. He said that Republicans believe that if you tell people the truth, they will rise to the occasion and help to work towards some sort of resolution while Democrats believe that scaring and dividing is the key for their party’s survival. He finished this segment of his speech by saying that you can blame people all day but the reality is, we need to move on from the finger-pointing and fix the problem. Christie called for politicians to start working towards doing something and to stop worrying about being something.

Gov. Chris Christie owned the floor that night and really got the crowd pumped up for Mitt Romney. I think that this speech cemented Christie in the minds of conservatives throughout the country and this could very well be a speech that is talked about for years to come. In all honesty, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Chris Christie as the next big GOP star and the presidential nominee in for the Republican Party in 2016 or 2020. I do believe that Gov. Christie put Romney before himself in the speech but I also felt like he was certainly opening doors for his own future. I believe that Christie’s keynote address was a can of worms the GOP won’t be able to close and that we have someone who is going to be a real nuisance for Democrats for quite some time.

6. Day Three, Part I – The Fiscal Warrior Vs. the Warmonger:

CONTINUED in “The Republican National Convention, Part II“