TheSwash.com’s Breakfast Hall of Fame: Round 1

This is the first round of The Swash’s Breakfast Hall of Fame. There are a lot of good items out there that deserve to be in the Breakfast Hall of Fame but we can only select three here for round one. Now here are the inductees:

WAFFLES:

Well, how can one part of the “Holy Trinity of Awesomeness” not make it on the list, let alone the top? Waffles are one of the reasons why I started this blog. They are the greatest breakfast food and breakfast food, as I’ve said before, is greater than lunch and dinner food combined. Waffles are fluffy, flaky and covered in buttery and syrupy goodness! If waffles were women, I’d have contracted every STD in the book, as I have had every type of waffle from every region known to modern man. I once had a waffle on a pirate voyage to the Far East (that’s what I call St. Augustine because it’s a five hour drive and a bit further east). Waffles trump pancakes in the face, although I like them too (especially the potato kind). Waffles are at the top of the breakfast food chain. They are the breakfast equivalent to the dragon in the wild; nothing can destroy them. This is why waffles are the first inductee into the TheSwash.com’s Breakfast Hall of Fame.

COUNTRY FRIED STEAK:

Some people call it chicken fried steak; those people are fucking idiots. Anyway, country fried steak smothered in sausage gravy is the greatest way any human being (or even alien or bear for that matter) can have meat served to them. Regular steak is pretty fucking awesome but country frying the bastard is like having sex with five women instead of one. A swashbuckler will murder his best friend for a piece of such a finely cooked and prepared delicacy. The only thing that can make this better is extra gravy and biscuits to dip them in. A few fried eggs on the side are pretty damn awesome too. Just don’t forget, even with those great items, it is the country fried steak that is truly the perfect centerpiece for any real American meal. It’s a great source of protein and you can feel your muscles grow when you eat it. It has also been known to increase bravery, dexterity, intelligence, stamina and teleportation powers. A website I saw a long time ago but can’t find now, said that in some parts of the world, country fried steak has cured zombies of their zombification even weeks after their virus was contracted. Unfortunately, the zombie survivors’ bodies fell apart weeks later but at least they got to spend some quality time with the family members that they didn’t eat. Why do I torture myself writing about breakfast food and brains when I’m hungry and have no food around at the moment?

HASHBROWNS:

What is the greatest side dish to any breakfast meal or really any meal actually? The answer to that is hashbrowns. Hashbrowns are amazing because they are the most versatile food ever! They can be prepared a variety of different ways. One time I was eating what I thought were tater tots and I found out they were actually hashbrowns! They’re tricky little fuckers! I wonder if they can disguise themselves as tuna subs? Anyway, my favorite type is the shredded stringy kind that are crispy on the top but greasy on the inside. Waffle House does them the best because Waffle House is the greatest American institution of all time! I like to get a triple order and cover them with onions, cheese and chili. Jalapenos work pretty sweet in them too. At Waffle House they call this smothered, covered, peppered and topped. I tried doing that to an ex-girlfriend and she threw an unopened can of Guinness at me. She recently married a douche, got pregnant with twins and he skipped out for some younger tail. She definitely downgraded after leaving yours truly.

So that’s it for this round of TheSwash.com’s Breakfast Hall of Fame. This was our best round yet if you ask me, which I will ask myself following the posting of this blog. Have a goodnight, I know I will as I dream about getting up early to rape Chick-Fil-A’s breakfast menu before work tomorrow.