Who Won the Debate?: December 10th 2011 Edition

*Written by Rob Rimes.

I’m getting tired of Saturday night debates, they cut into my weekend time and thus make it so that I can’t go out and shower my taste buds with everything 80 proof and above. Granted, I drank a lot of beer during this debate but I would have much rather been out trying to plant my seed in loose women than be stuck on the couch fighting fits of rage due to my chronic irritability brought on by just the sight of Rick Santorum or Michele Bachmann. Luckily I was at my friend Michael’s house and we were stuffed full of Vietnamese style marinated beef chunks and Guinness Black Lager. Anyway, enough of my bullshit, let’s talk about the debate.

This debate was moderated by two people I pretty much can’t stand: Diane Sawyer and George Stephanopoulos, both who have probably already written plenty of checks to the Obama campaign. Being that it was hosted by ABC, one would expect a cool set and pretty high production value. This was not the case, as the stage felt small and very claustrophobic and the broadcast was plagued with amateurish audio issues. It’s funny when ABC, just like CBS can’t take the debate seriously enough to use their better resources to produce a better show than 2nd rate cable networks like Bloomberg. Fox News and CNN blow all these people out of the water with their debates but I guess the content is what is most important. Then again, ABC and CBS both ask really fucking stupid questions. At least the video intro showed a clip of Rick Perry actually using the phrase “Git-R-Done!”

The debate started with the typical introductions and applause for the candidates. Michele Bachmann was smiling so wide with those crazy eyes that she reminded me of the Green Goblin mask hanging in my closet. Also, she is wearing navy with black, doesn’t she know that’s a fashion “no no”? It is interesting to note that Ron Paul got the loudest ovation and Rick Santorum got no ovation. I also noticed that Mitt Romney, who is in third place going into this debate is positioned in the middle. The positioning is based off of recent polling numbers, therefore the two center spots should be the top two in the polls, which are Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul. Newt is there in the center but Paul is stuck at the 3rd or 4th place podium. Considering how many questions and how much time was wasted on rebuttals between Newt and Mitt, it’s pretty obvious that CBS is pulling for Mitt first and Newt second. It’s all good though, because Ron Paul was set to have a good night while Mitt had maybe his worst performance and Newt spent some time confusing and irritating people.

On a side note, ABC had a countdown clock that displayed colors as opposed to numbers. It went from green to yellow to red when it was time to stop. That’s just stupid; give the candidates some numerals. Moving on to the substance part of the debate.

The first question went to Newt Gingrich. He is asked about creating jobs and he goes on to tell us about how he was a job-making wizard with Reagan back in the 80′s when he was in the House of Representatives. He also talks about how he and Clinton created jobs and fixed the economy in the 90′s when he was Speaker of the House. He goes on to say that less taxes and an energy plan will create jobs. He calls for zero capital gains taxes as well as zero corporate tax. He also wants to abolish the death tax.

Mitt Romney goes on a rant where he says “private sector” 354 times in under 60 seconds. Mitt goes over his seven points on job creation and amazingly doesn’t run out of time. I think the stop light clock gave Mitt more time, or maybe there weren’t any other cars waiting at the intersection?

Ron Paul says that we need to liquidate the debt and to stop dumping it on the people. He says that we need to stop helping and bailing out those (big banks and corporations) who keep ruining the economy. Ron Paul calls for an end to big spending and big government and points out that he will cut a trillion dollars his first year in office.

The next candidate to jump in the job creation exchange is Rick Perry. He pimps out his flat tax plan, which surprisingly he hasn’t mentioned over the last few debates. He tells us that we need to get rid of the regulatory burden created by massive agencies with too much power, as it hinders innovation and job creation. He claims that he has the blueprint to create jobs and cites his “success” in Texas once again. Rick Perry finishes his points by bitching about the crony capitalism between the Beltway Suits and the bankers on Wall Street.

Bachmann, who was just itching to piss me off right from the fucking get-go yells out “nine nine nine!” Are you fucking kidding me?!?!  Cain’s gone lady, I don’t want to hear it anymore! In fact, I was relishing in the fact that I didn’t have to hear it ever again and here you go yelling it out the first chance you get! What the motherfucking fuck woman! And Bachmann was the first candidate to come out and bash it, now she is quoting it? Jesus Christ, could it be anymore obvious that she is trying to suck in the Cain Brains? Needless to say, she didn’t answer the question, she just gave us a really poor fucking attempt at stealing Cain’s flock of sheep.

Apart from that she obviously finds the time to immediately bash Obama and Obamacare and to tell us for the umpteenth time that she was fighting it in Congress. We already fucking no that lady! Please just give us some goddamned substance for once and stop regurgitating the exact same talking points you’ve used in all fifteen or so of the previous debates. I can’t deal with this woman, who is consistently polling under 5 percent, for another three months throughout this race. Please, please, please bow out. It’s time.

Santorum who also needs to bow out at this point, tells us to get our Bibles out or he will jail us. No, not really, but I’m sure that’s what he wanted to say. He goes on to say that “Made in the USA” is going to be his motto when in office. Why not make it your motto now dude, because you are not going to win the presidency. Even if everyone else on stage dropped out and Obama just decided to quit and you were the only choice, you would still lose on a write-in vote. Why are you still in this? He also mentions petri dishes or something but I don’t care.

The moderators go back to Bachmann to ask her about payroll tax extensions. Again, she starts harping on Obama without answering or giving a solution to anything. Bachmann wants us to be sure that she does not stand with Obama. No shit nincompoop!

Mitt promises not to raise taxes, mmmhmm. He rambles on and on about jobs while Rick Perry just creepily stares at his cheek. Under the stage lights tonight, Mitt looks a lot older. He also looks orange and his eyes are bloodshot. I think he was puffing chiba before he came out. In fact, he seemed really off all night and just didn’t hit the mark at all.

Rick Perry is asked a question from the moderators and Rick Santorum immediately starts to answer it, cutting off Perry like the prick that he is. I don’t hear Santorum’s answer because it is pointless. I just notice Perry creepily staring at Santourm’s cheek now. Perry is also blinking a lot! He may be one of those space reptiles sent here to eat our livers. Perry never gets a chance to actually answer the question that was meant for him.

Ron Paul says that he wants to extend the tax cuts but says that he would be able to pay for it by cutting billions of dollars by bringing home the troops and ending American imperialism all over the world. He tells us that we need to get rid of several embassies and bases and in doing just that, we will save a ton of money. He even mentions that we wouldn’t need to raise taxes on Social Security, if we would just trim the military fat.

The candidates are asked who among them is the most conservative and best choice to take on Obama. Really? What a fucking waste! I bet they all say “me”. However, this question isn’t really answered, as it just turns into a long exchange between Mitt and Newt where each is given about two dozen chances to respond to their opponent’s responses in what was a fifteen minute circle jerk of shit.

Mitt disses Newt about his desire to create a lunar mining colony to find resources. Mitt also repeatedly calls Newt a “career politician” and takes shots at him for wanting to end child labor laws. Newt responds with one of the best disses ever, when he says that Mitt would’ve also been a career politician had he not lost to Ted Kennedy for a Senate seat in 1994. The crowd erupted and Mitt looked like he wanted to eat his shoe. Newt then defends what he feels is a real need to explore space and to look for resources everywhere we can. He says that NASA has gone from being great to being more of a tragic establishment today. Gingrich says that we need to be in space in “an aggressive entrepreneurial way”. He also defends his stance on child labor laws and gets a round of applause. Newt made Mitt look real weak in this debate.

Whose turn is it now? Mitt again!!! enough already, pass the mic! He shows really thin skin over Ted Kennedy remark and then responds with, “Private sector! Private sector! Private sector!”

Ron Paul is asked about his anti-Gingrich “serial hypocrisy” adverts. He points out that Newt has taken many non-conservative stances and even took money from Freddie Mac, who were a huge contributor to our current economic woes. Ron Paul says that Newt Gingrich has taxpayers money in his bank account due to his involvement with Freddie Mac, touché! Paul says that there is serious trouble for anyone trying to compete with him on consistency. That also deserves a solid ”touché”!

Responding to Paul, Gingrich says that he is with Paul on auditing the Federal Reserve and firing Ben Bernanke but he doesn’t stand with him on most other issues. Newt, obviously taking a shot at Mitt to divert from dealing with the truth brought out by Ron Paul, starts dropping, “Private sector! Private sector! Private sector!”

Bachmann tries to get in the mix and says that Newt’s actions are the epitome of the establishment. Right, and her actions aren’t? She’s the candidate that called for suspending the 10th Amendment last debate when she said that she was in favor of tort reform on a federal level. Bachmann, lying to everyone including herself, says she is the most conservative. Yep, that’s why she wants to expand the PATRIOT Act and ignore states’ rights. Bachmann, on yet another Obamacare mini-rant, brings up the fact that Newt was for the individual mandate. She goes on to say, “Obamacare. Obama. Obamacare. Obama. Obamacare.” She then refers to Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney as if they are one being, when she calls them “Newt Romney”. I personally think she got confused and then just tried to play it off like she was clever. Either way, it was dumber than Gilbert Grape’s brother trying to build a dump truck with his boogers.

Newt talks about and describes how he fought against Obamacare. He then tells Bachmann that it is important that her allegations be accurate because everything she said about him wasn’t true. Bachmann cuts in and again calls them both “Newt Romney”, which once again, gets no response from the crowd. Sorry lady, if a joke doesn’t work the first time, move on! Don’t try to keep telling it because you will only look like a fucking tool. The point to all this is, is that once again, Bachmann has absolutely no substance and nothing to offer to these debates. Her campaign has become a big joke to everyone else but her and Wayne Newton. Every time she tries to mix it up with these professionals, she looks like the drunk mom at a PTA meeting. Again, Bachmann has NO substance!

In defense of Bachmann’s idiotic tirades against himself and Newt, Romney responds. On Obamacare, Mitt says that he wishes Obama would have given him a call in order to see what did and didn’t work with Romneycare. He also disputes the validity of Bachmann’s statements.

Rick Perry, vying for attention, says Bachmann hit the nail on the head with Mitt and Newt on their health care follies. He tells us that the Beacon Hill study said that 18,000 jobs have been lost in Massachusetts because of the individual mandate in Romneycare. Perry then tries to get clever and calls Obamacare an “Obamanation”. Romney cuts in with a good cheap shot, when he calls out Perry for his attempt at forced inoculations.

Again, defending his position on the individual mandate, Newt talks about how it initially started as a conservative thing to stop Hillarycare back in the 90′s. Perry and Romney go on to argue about some missing content that was edited out of Mitt’s book and Mitt tries to make a ten thousand dollar bet with Perry, which Perry refuses. Bachmann cuts in with, “Obamacare! Obama! Obamacare! Obama! Obamacare!”

Rick Santorum said that unlike Newt, he looked for a better solution than the individual mandate and that he tried to implement medical savings accounts. Santorum then says that he is a consistent conservative. Nope, he is a consistent religious fascist. Santorum blasts Bachmann by saying that she is consistent but that she “always fails”. Bachmann responds with another Obamacare rant and then we are treated to our first commercial break, thank God!

We come back from break and the topic is character and if marital fidelity is an indicator of who is a good leader. Rick Perry says that marital fidelity is not only a vow to his wife but a vow to God. He says that it’s stronger than a handshake in Texas. He tells us that he is of the opinion that if you cheat on your wife you will cheat on your business partner. The other Rick, Mr. Santorum, believes that infidelity is a factor but it doesn’t fully discount you as everyone makes mistakes and can ask forgiveness.

Ron Paul says that character is very important but it should show through not just be talked about. He makes it clear that the oath of office is what is really important here. Paul says that if people would take the oath seriously we wouldn’t have all this tyranny and a vast majority of the laws we have wouldn’t exist. He blasts the PATRIOT Act, using it as a prime example. Considering that the PATRIOT Act doesn’t take the Constitution into account, Dr. Paul is correct and really the only person on stage who can see the forest for the trees.

Mitt Romney rambles about his moral compass. Bachmann says that the Federalist Papers asked, “What’s the measure of a man?” Gingrich, knowing that all this talk is really just meant for him, says that he’s made mistakes and gone to God for forgiveness and that people need to measure him now, today and decide if they can trust him or not.

Due to his seemingly controversial stance on the deportation of illegal immigrants, Newt is asked what his criteria would be for judging who should be deported or not. Newt says that the illegal immigrant in question would need to be in the U.S. for 25 years, have an American family sponsoring them and have real ties in America, such as having had a family. Newt says that there would be an agency in place to deal with all of this on a case by case basis.

Romney says that we must first secure the border, then we can talk about the people that are still here illegally. Rick Perry says that this country needs to enforce the laws that are already on the books. Everyone is in agreement that the border needs to be secure.

On the subject of Israel and the Middle East, Ron Paul says that he doesn’t agree with Newt Gingrich’s recent remarks that the Palestinians aren’t a real people. He calls for a noninterventionist foreign policy and says that nations need to deal with their own problems in their own way.

Newt responds by sating that his remarks about Palestinians were factually correct. Newt has the crowd really confused. Newt then says that pro-Palestinian terror group Hamas says that Israel and Jews shouldn’t exist. Newt calls the Palestinians terrorists due to their involvement with Hamas.

Mitt agrees with Newt except on the part about Palestinians being “a made up people”. Romney wants us to stand with Israel. Newt says that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is a propaganda war based off of fake facts about Palestinians being a group of people that have a long history, he says that that isn’t the case and that there was no talk of Palestinians before the 1970′s. We then get round two of Newt, Mitt, Newt, Mitt, Newt, Mitt. C’mon moderators! Break the fucking cycle! Why are these guys allowed to monopolize all the time?!

Bachmann is asked who won the Mitt-Newt argument, as if any of us care. She goes on to tell some dumbass story about her trip to Israel that has nothing to do with the question, it is just some crappy stunt to waste time. Thank fuck it wasn’t sprinkled with remarks about Obamacare. Santorum is also asked who won the stupid time-wasting battle between Newt and Mitt but he doesn’t answer either! He just talks about standing shoulder to shoulder with our allies. Please stop inviting Bachmann and Santorum to these things! If Johnson and Huntsman can’t come, they shouldn’t be there either. At least Huntsman and Johnson have substance.

Rick Perry says that this whole thing is a minor issue that the media is blowing out of proportion. He reminds us that Obama is causing problems in the Middle East by being a shitty friend to Israel. Also, Obama didn’t engage Iran back in 2009, which is when Perry feels like he should have. Another example Perry gives, is that Obama just stood off to the side during the Egypt crisis and allowed the Muslim Brotherhood to take over the country. Rick Perry talks about how disgusted he is over Iran capturing one of our drones. He says that Obama did nothing about getting it back or destroying it and now it will be reverse engineered by our enemies.

Everyone is then asked about a time when they were in financial troubles and what they had to sacrifice. Perry talks about his childhood poverty and gives us the best quote ever, which was ”Luxury wasn’t really in my lexicon.” Mitt Romney says that his dad was poor but worked hard and provided well for him as a child. He says that his dad taught him how not to be poor. Ron Paul says that he was raised during World War II and the Great Depression. He said that he struggled and medical school was hard but they did okay because his wife worked as he handled his education. Ron Paul uses this “talk about poverty” time to tell us that when a country destroys its currency it transfers money from the middle class to the wealthy. Santorum jumps in saying that he had a modest upbringing and his biggest blessing was married parents that made him feel safe. Aw, that’s cute. Bachmann goes on an anti-Wall Street rant. Yep we know, you didn’t support the bailout but how the fuck does this address the question? She then gets on topic and says that she came from a middle class family but after her parents divorced, they fell below poverty level and she had to help the family out by working at an early age. Newt said that he lived above a gas station.

Now the shitty moderators bring up the individual mandate issue AGAIN! We already fucking covered this shit but whatever, let’s beat this dead horse until it’s nothing more than a pile of pulverized guts and hair. Mitt says that states can do what they want to do as that is what the 10th Amendment says. Newt is again asked about his individual mandate position again. Fuck! Can we move on from this and can we move on from Mitt and Newt for fuck’s sake? But no, Diane Sawyer keeps hammering this goddamned issue. And while mentioning her, I can’t help but to make mention that Diane Sawyer’s lazy eye was looking horrible during this debate. Her one-eyed face looked like Mumm-Ra’s cock.

Ron Paul says the government needs to be a referee but we can’t institute a society where government tries to protect people from themselves. Dr. Paul points out that people bitch about Obamacare using force against us but government in and of itself IS force and it violates the whole concept of our revolution and the Constitution. Paul owning the suckas once again!

Pushing the 10th Amendment, Rick Perry says that health care should be the state’s call. He then goes on his regular “part-time congress” rant. I’m surprised that it took him this long to drop it into the debate. Ooh, commercial break.

When they come back from break, the moderators ask the candidates what they have learned from their challengers. Santorum says he used to listen to Newt’s tapes which motivated him to run for Congress. I bet he masturbated to them. Rick Perry says he got intrigued by Ron Paul’s stance on the Federal Reserve and gives him props for fighting that fight. I get a warm fuzzy feeling because I think that Perry and Paul are going to share a cruller after the show. Mitt also gives Paul props by saying that he loves the enthusiasm of Paul supporters. Essentially, Mitt admitted that Paul generates the most loyalty and enthusiasm and in effect is the best leader. Thanks Mitt! Newt gives props to Perry in regards to his strong 10th amendment stance. He also loves Santorum for his “courage” on Iran. Ron Paul talks about freedom and doesn’t really say anything positive about the other candidates as he knows that they are all pretty much enemies of the Constitution. Bachmann goes on a pro-Cain, pro-999 rant for a third fucking time! Doesn’t she remember how much she hated it just a few months ago? And she gives us the stupid, “I’m bringing the win win win plan!” Barf! What a fucking loon! Has this nimrod even looked at her fucking polling numbers?

And with that, the debate is over. I don’t honestly know how many more of these I can sit through. I made it a point to watch all of them and to document them, so I can expose the bullshit that these people throw out. I feel that I have to go through these debates line by line and break down the fallacious arguments that these self-promoting jackasses try to pass off as legit. Truth be told, this is more taxing than I ever thought it would be. However, do not fret, I will see this thing through to the end and luckily I only have another dozen or so to sit through and chronicle. I can’t wait until April when the debates are behind us.

Grading Scale:
Grade A: Ron Paul
Grade C-: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Rick Perry
Grade D-: Mitt Romney
Grade F: Rick Santorum
Grade F-: Michele Bachmann
Grade I: Jon Huntsman
Grade I: Gary Johnson