Who Won the Debate?: December 3rd 2011 Huckabee Forum Edition

*Written by Rob Rimes.

The first debate of December brought us something unique. Mike Huckabee, former presidential candidate and host of the aptly named Huckabee on Fox News, decided to host a two hour forum for all the presidential candidates. Well, that is except Gary Johnson, who no ones seems to invite to anything anymore, even though he is a complete bad ass and could run circles around every candidate not named Ron Paul. Herman Cain was not a part of the debate as he tapped out of the presidential race earlier in the day because some fucking vampire bitches were trying to dine on his pizza sauce blood. Also, Jon Huntsman decided not to take Mr. Huckabee’s invitation and sat this debate out because he’s not big on theatrics and lesser debates that aren’t going to influence anyone, one way or the other. Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum were all present however.

The format itself differed from previous debates, as each candidate was given their own time on stage to answer the moderators without their competition in the room. Each candidate was given equal time, or so Mike Huckabee claimed but the time allotted did seem pretty balanced. Also, the candidates were asked not to mention and especially not to bash any of the other candidates. This forum was for them to explain their stance on the issues without interruption from bickering rivals trying to steal away as much time as possible. It is also worth noting that there was no audience, as the Huckster didn’t want his Huckamaniacs at home to be influenced by cheers, jeers and what he hates most.. queers.

Mike Huckabee was pretty much just the host, as he did not actually moderate the debate. The duties of moderator were handled by three state attorney generals. They were Pam Bondi from my home state of Florida, Ken Cuccinelli of Virginia and Scott Pruitt of Oklahoma. The moderators did a pretty good job and asked some pretty decent questions to most of the participants.

As unique as this forum was, I didn’t feel like it really benefitted anyone to take part in it. It was pretty cut and dry and if you don’t know where these people stand at this point, you probably didn’t bother enough to watch this anyway. All it did for me was solidify Rick Santorum’s religious intolerance, Newt’s magical way with dictation, Bachmann’s crazy antics, Mitt Romney’s hair as a force to be reckoned with, Rick Perry’s presence as a poor man’s Dubya and proof that neocons and RINOs will never “get” that crazy Ron Paul guy. However, let me give you the rundown of what happened nonetheless.

The first person put under the hot interrogation lamp was former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, who last debate pissed off conservatives with his humanitarian policy in dealing with illegal aliens. Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit however and anyone trying to ruffle his feathers about it is going to get nut-stomped, simple as that! Funny enough, the first question given to Gingrich asks him to explain his controversial illegal immigration policy. Newtie Bootie explains, for the umpteenth time in just under a week, that he is only proposing that we need to not toss out illegals that have been here for a long time and have established their life here. I totally feel that and I agree that we shouldn’t be tossing out aliens that have been here for a quarter of a century that have contributed to our country. People need to get past the bullshit that all illegal aliens are milking the system. Yes, many are but that is a welfare issue and should be addressed as such, as far as I am concerned. It’s the welfare system that is a major magnet for those people.

When the subject of courts comes up, Newt says that he trusts a jury more than he trusts a bureaucrat and then touts how important it is to have a jury of your peers to avoid corruption and unjust decisions by those in power. Yet, he is a big fan of abandoning this stance when it comes to terrorists, whether legit or potential domestic threats. Ignoring the Constitution, as most conservatives do on this, Newt has no problem with military tribunals and unending detainment of criminals deemed threats to the United States. With the NDAA just passing in the Senate, this line is blurred even more and American citizens can potentially be given the same treatment, if they are deemed a “threat”. The criteria to deem someone a “threat” is very broad and essentially could be used to paint anyone a threat. Let me also point out that the right to a fair trial isn’t something that just refers to American citizens, it actually applies to everyone that commits a crime. There is nothing in the Constitution that points to different treatment for foreigners or even terrorists in war time or peace.

Newt is then asked about the problems in the medical industry. He says that back when he was speaker, the conservatives saw how bad Hillarycare was and therefore he truly understands how bad Obamacare is, especially the individual mandate portion of the bill.

When pressed about a television commercial he filmed with Nancy Pelosi, Gingrich referred to the incident as “the dumbest thing he ever did.” I guess infidelity isn’t as bad when you think about it. He goes on to talk about how he wants the 10th Amendment to be enforced. He also says that he will introduce a balanced budget amendment. Citing his time as the leader in the House of Representatives, he boasts about how he controlled spending and balanced a budget in the 1990′s. He takes a shot at the Tea Party when he says that you can’t change things at the scale that they want and that you have to essentially find a happy medium. Yeah dude, what’s the happy medium? Newt also points out that Medicaid and education should be state issues, not federal ones. He believes that education controlled at a state level would give the power back to parents in regards to their children’s schooling. Newt calls for shrinking Washington and growing citizen control over the government. He says that he wants to establish an environmental solutions agency to replace the EPA.

Rick Santorum finds himself center stage in the chair, as I don’t wait eagerly for his first question. I actually take a quick second to center myself and calm my nerves before having to deal with his complete and utter stupidity spritzed with his special brand of religious fascism. You don’t believe me? Well, the first question he is asked is if the PATRIOT Act runs over American citizens. This fucking shitcock says, “No”! He then goes on to explain, in his completely ignorant and idiotic way that before 9/11 we weren’t dealing with terror (yes we were you fucking moron) and that we need the tools created by the PATRIOT Act to help us find and nail the evil bastards. Well, Rick Santorum is still walking around, so his theory holds no weight since he is an evil bastard that the PATRIOT Act must not have nailed. Rick Santorum agrees with the tyrannous acts that Abraham Lincoln used to prevent the South from seceding, a right that was protected by the Constitution mind you! So in Santorum’s little fucking shit world, it is okay for the president to completely abuse his power in an effort to force his subjects to do whatever he wants, regardless of their rights.

Santorum is asked if the government should dictate family values. He responds by saying that the government undermines family values but “yes” they should dictate them regardless. Racquetball Ass Juice then goes on a rant about how welfare undermines families and even though there is some truth to that, no one with their wits about them is even really listening to this wannabe tyrant anymore. Santorum then tells some long ass pointless story about some group in Tennessee that helps promote marriage. Coming from Santorum, that translates to “protects marriage from those filthy gays!” Anyway, he talked about a bunch of other shit but I missed it as I had to Listerine the fuck out of my mouth because more than two minutes of this guy makes me vomit. I can guess what was said though, “Rant. Rant. Jesus. Rant. Evil Fags. Rant. Rant. Abortion. Control. Power. Rant. Rant. Fascism. Rant. Christ. Rant. Values. Rant. Morals. Rant. Rant. Sanctity. Rant. Waterboarding. Torture. Bombs. Rant. Hallelujah!”

Oops Perry was up next, which is an improvement over Santorum, even though that isn’t saying much. As flat out dumb as Rick Perry is, at least he is entertaining and his comedic timing is worth all the gold in El Dorado. He is first asked about his craziness in wanting to use all sorts of executive orders to force his will on the American people. He doesn’t really give a real answer to the question the concerned moderators asked and instead just panders with empty bullshit and gives them all props. Dude, you can’t bullshit these moderators and the American people like you can a six-year-old child. “Hey look at this Beanie Baby wiggle!” Nope, that won’t work dude.

The question is essentially posed to Perry again and he ignores it to go on a rant about energy, which just annoys the moderators who have to tell him to make his points because his time is limited. Perry goes on to say that “right to work” laws are state issues and that he is a big 10th Amendment guy, well if you don’t count all the times he wants to abuse his executive power. Perry then gets distracted and starts pandering to Huckabee, who isn’t even moderating the debate. Perry is like an SNL character and while he thinks we’re laughing with him, well you know.

Rick Perry says that people moved to Texas because he’s a hell of a guy. He claims that he is the best candidate for border security because he’s the one who has been dealing with it the most the last decade. Yep, he’s been turning a blind eye to it while handing out Texans’ tax dollars to illegal aliens so that they can go to college for free, while the sons and daughters of the taxpayers get stuck with monstrous student loan debt. Rick Perry brags about how asshole Sheriff Joe Arpaio supports him. That’s like saying, “Hey guys, Mussolini’s ghost gave me the thumbs up!” Perry goes on to promise that he will have the border locked tight within 12 months. He also supports states wanting to sue the federal government for standing in the way of real border security.

The moderators ask Perry if the federal government should play a role in education. Perry says that it is the states’ job to handle education because locals will not allow their schools to fail. Perry also suggests getting rid of government assistance on school lunch and other things. Texas Rick says that we need to get rid of the Department of Education.

When it comes to the Supreme Court, Governor Perry wants strict constructionists as judges. While talking about the court room, he keeps pronouncing “legislators” as “ledge-ooh-slay-tores”. Perry then rambles on and on about strict constructionists. Rambles, pandering and diverting aside, Perry does much better in this sort of setting without other candidates to compete with over airtime. He seems more confident, even with his butchery of the English language and apparent OCD.

Bat Shit Bachmann takes the stage with a big ass smile or snarl, I’m not really sure. It just looks like she bit into a really sour lemon. I think she may have been in pain or had botox done five minutes prior. Either way, her crazy eyes were drilling holes into the moderators as she waited for her first question. If there is ever a Michele Bachmann biopic, they had better cast Jennifer Coolidge in the lead role.

On to her madness!

Bachmann immediately goes on a rant about how evil Obama is and how evil Obamacare is and I am immediately pulled into eye-rolling boredom. She calls Obamacare a “social engineering playground”. She also says that Obama has demonstrated how far a president’s abuse of power can go. Using her usual dose of fear-mongering, she warns that this election cycle is the only time that we can elect someone to kill Obamacare.

On the subject of her stupid stance on illegal immigration, Bachmann is asked about how she will pay for the billions it will cost to deport illegals under her “ship them the fuck out” promise. Bachmann says that the cost of allowing them to stay in America is greater than the cost of rounding them all up like the fucking Stasi and forcing them into concentration-like FEMA camps until they can be deported or gassed. Yeah, because they won’t just come right fucking back or anything. Bachmann better have some magic beans that can grow an impenetrable wall because if she doesn’t, these people will be right back. That is, after they cut through whatever wall Bachmann might build like a goddamned can of tuna. Bachmann says, “We have to uphold the law of the land!” Yeah lady, isn’t Obamacare the “law of the land” now? You’re not for upholding that. You’re bat shit logic is flawed.

Bachmann then goes on and on about the fact that she supports tort reform. However, she wants it at a federal level, which means that this self-described “constitutional conservative” is completely ignoring the 10th Amendment. Fuck, I’m so sick of the hypocrisy that these candidates ooze out of their pores.

Bachmann supports the elimination of the Department of Education and cites her seven-quintillion foster kids as some sort of example that is hard to follow. She wants to abolish the EPA because they have “become a government to themselves and they change history almost everyday.” Huh? Please elaborate. Wait, never mind.. please don’t.

Bachmann says that we need to send the power back to the states. Wait, hold the fuck up! You just shitted on the Constitution, especially the 10th Amendment which gives the states the right to make their own laws not covered in the Constitution. Bachmann is a fucking idiot that only supports something when it benefits her: typical religiously intolerant corrupt know-it-all Bible-thumper’s stance. Hungry Hungry Hippo-crite! Bachmann has constitutional schizophrenia. She can shove her stance on the PATRIOT Act up her ass as well. I’m done analyzing this mountain succubus.

Finally some goddamned sanity comes into the room when we get back from commercial break and Ron Paul is sitting in the chair previously occupied by a string of dumb asses. Paul is asked what are the three primary domestic responsibilities of government. He responds to the moderators by telling them that sound currency, secure borders and enforcing the Constitution, especially the Bill of Rights, should be the top three. He points out that the Constitution is the law.

Ron Paul is asked what his alternative to the PATRIOT Act would be, which is obviously a bit of a gotcha question, as stupid of a question that it is. Dr. Paul says that the PATRIOT Act would’ve never passed had they called it what it really is “the Repeal of the 4th Amendment.” He also says that you can’t pass laws to prevent all crime and violence. He goes back to the example he’s used before that you can’t have a cop in every house in an effort to prevent child abuse. Paul points out that there is nothing in the Constitution about a national police force or about the federal government dealing with acts of violence in this way. Paul warns against having federal policemen.

Answering a series of quick questions, Ron Paul says that we should be checking our borders and knowing who is coming in and it is something he will work on. He also says that these police state laws (like the PATRIOT Act) won’t make us any safer. More laws against the people here wont save us from psychos elsewhere. On crony capitalism, Paul states that it is wrong when people write the regulations for their own industries because it causes corruption and keeps the winners on top by eliminating competition unfairly. On the Medicare and Medicaid programs, Paul says that the Constitution says nothing about giving us these sorts of entitlements. To save the country, we have to be serious about cuts and Ron Paul plans to cut one trillion dollars in his first year as president. Paul warns that you can’t quit all these entitlements cold turkey, so he has programs he will set up to transition us out from under them. Ron Paul also ads that the United Nations and NATO should not have the power and influence over the United States that they do. When asked what one book he would recommend for every American to read, Ron Paul replied with “The Law” by Frédéric Bastiat.

The final candidate and obviously Mikey Huck’s main event is Mitt Romney. Nope, it’s not obvious who the brass at Fox News want in power. Romney starts by kissing major moderator and Huckabizzle ass. When asked questions, he answers in a way that is just professionally political in that it doesn’t really answer anything. He just talks about stuff without committing to an ideal. Romney plays his typical game of pandering to the voter base but doesn’t truly commit to any of it.

When Romney was asked about Obama claiming that Romneycare was the model for Obamacare he says that Obama never called him to see what worked and what didn’t. So does that excuse the similarities and the fact that Romney did provide the model for a bill he supposedly hates? What would Romney have said to Obama? Would he have helped him craft a different version or would he have told him it’s a bad idea? I mean, when pressed, Romney admits that there were mistakes made with Romneycare but he still supports it. Romney actually says that he had hoped that his plan would bring down the cost of healthcare but in the end it didn’t. Yet, he still claims that he fucking likes it? So he likes failing?! Un-fucking-believable!

On education, Romney says he supports No Child Left Behind. God, why would any conservative vote for this guy?! Oh yeah, the last two GOP presidential primary winners were Bush and McCain. Romney says that No Child Left Behind was Bush’s way of telling unions to stop fucking up public education. Yeah bro, that worked out real well.

On welfare, Romney says that he will examine programs for the poor. He also states that welfare programs need to be left up to the states. On the subject of the Supreme Court, like Perry, he says he will only appoint strict constructionists. Romney believes that states need to put in place “right to work” laws and he wouldn’t oppose getting rid of all federal labor laws. Romney wants to return power to the states. And that is basically it for Mr. Mittens.

The candidates are all given time to make some final statements but I can’t stomach anymore and I turn off the television. Sure, I’d like to hear Ron Paul’s thoughts but I’ve got just about every policy point of his Xeroxed into my brain. I just couldn’t sit through all the mentally vacant ass clowns to get to Dr. Paul. I also didn’t really care about listening to Mike Huckabee’s post-game wrap-up as he is just going to pimp Mittens and Newtie and find some way to discredit Ron Paul. In the end, this debate was about as fun as using a power drill on one’s own head.

Grading Scale:
Grade A-: Ron Paul
Grade C: Newt Gingrich
Grade D+: Rick Perry
Grade D: Mitt Romney
Grade F: Michele Bachmann
Grade F-: Rick Santorum
Grade I: Jon Huntsman
Grade I: Gary Johnson