Keeping up with all these debates is fucking tedious! I feel like this is an ongoing weekly drama except the excitement is nonexistent and the cliffhangers are lame. I know I have bitched about the media’s obsession about Chris Christie and all the other hypothetical candidates but shit, apart from Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich, these people are like a triple-dose of Ambien washed down with a mason jar full of cheap 100 proof swill. Although this debate was pretty damn good.
To add to the excitement, we got Mr. Excitement himself Charlie Rose hosting this damn thing! Mr. Rose put me to sleep the whole fucking night and other than the fact that he is ancient and I guess a legend to some, I can’t gather why Bloomberg or the Washington Post put this guy up there as the master of ceremonies. I partially blame those pesky Thundercats for luring Mumm-Ra out of his tomb. Fuck you Lion-O, fuck you.
The one refreshing thing is that this particular debate has three major differences than all the other debates thus far. First, the entire debate is focused on economic issues. Second, the candidates will be allowed to ask each other questions in the last hour. Third, there are no podiums; the candidates are all sitting around what Charlie Rose refers to as “the kitchen table”. Unfortunately Herman Cain didn’t bring pizza for the whole family.
Now I’m not going to break this down play-by-play like the last several debate recaps, I’m just going to give you the rundown of each person and highlight a few of the memorable moments. Certain things for me shifted in this debate, most notably Herman Cain falling from my graces as my 3rd choice. He is now at the bottom of the barrel and Newt has moved to third. My first is obviously Ron Paul and my second is Gary Johnson. Speaking of which, where the fuck is Gary Johnson?! Once again, homeboy gets the fucking shaft! He shined last debate and had the joke of the night (albeit stolen from Rush Limbaugh) but damn it he’s earned his spot on that stage, especially if they’re going to invite Santorum and Huntsman to all these damn shindigs.
To start, lets visit the golden boys Mitt Romney and Rick Perry. I’ll break down Perry before Mittens because I love stepping on Perry’s withered Texas nuts. This debate provided him with the platform he needed to get back in the hunt. Fortunately, he fell flat again. Granted, Perry didn’t do as bad as he has done in previous debates but it was like he was sitting this one out. I think he was asleep. His performance was so boring that I literally heard crickets with Texas accents. I fucking shit you not.
Perry essentially recycles his failed tactics of his previous debates and feeds us a bunch of talking points that wouldn’t hold up to any real fact checker. In fact, most of these taking points have become redundant and even though they have been debunked and exposed as lies debate after debate, Rick Perry keeps on shoving them down our throats. It’s fucking moronic and we are all wise to it. He’s losing support because even the shitcocks who were worshipping his prune nuts earlier in the race are now waking up and seeing the skewed reality of this wretched brown-eye’s schtick. Then again, there are still some shitcocks doing a jig for this tyrannosaurus dick.
The best piece of egg that landed on Perry’s face was when he was confronted about his economic plan. Well folks, three months into this fucking thing and Perry doesn’t have a plan. He can’t even explain what his plan is going to be. He promises to have one shortly but apparently, while he’s sinking in the polls, he doesn’t see the importance in at least presenting something to attempt to keep his ass afloat. Rick Perry is a big saggy bag of “epic fail”.
Some other things about Perry are that he deflected the question of his party allegiance by saying that he switched from Democrat to Republican at a younger age than Reagan. Sure dude, take shots at a dead pres. Perry also said he wasn’t in favor of Cain’s 999 Plan. Perry also makes a statement that he would skirt legislation if he needed to. Yep, sounds like a dictator to me. Also, he keeps reminding us that governments don’t create jobs but he keeps taking credit for a million fictitious jobs he “created” in Texas. Between all his “um”‘s and long pauses Rick Perry goes to a magic place. Unfortunately for us, we aren’t invited. I just wish he’d stop blanking out in the middle of debates and stay focused. Shit dude, we only need you up there for two hours. Perry is a cancer, plain and simple.
Now Mr. Mittens continued to work his way into the hearts of the heartless, as he didn’t falter or fall from his stance and may have even gained some points as he stayed above the bickering and successfully sold himself as more important and larger than the other candidates at the table. Now I’m not sucking his Mormon dick, I am just calling it how I see it. I’d prefer it if he failed. Dude’s just got his shit together and every time he shows up to one of these things, Aquanet stock surges.
Out of the gate, Mitt reminds us that we need a president that is a leader. No shit dude, what else would we need, a president that’s a pecan log? Mitt goes on to pimp his 59 point plan which is something he must have stolen from a vehicle inspection chart. In fact, Herman Cain called out Romney and asked him if he could name all 59 points. Mitt said that some things just aren’t that simple. Yep, that’s a big government answer.
When Mittens is asked if he would give us another Wall Street bailout he basically said that bailouts are bad but won’t say if he will or won’t. Mitt never answers anything. Oddly, Mitt is incredibly sweaty or the lights make him look sweaty and glazed over. Good thing he’s not gross like Nixon or he’d be fucked in this election.
Romney goes on to channel Milton Friedman but fails miserably. I laughed out loud, kind of like every time I watch the 1990 series of Friedman’s “Free to Choose” and see the introduction from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why do neocons embrace free market principles yet never seem to truly understand them?
Mitt bitches about China and says they are playing us like a fiddle while wearing an American flag pin on his lapel that was probably made in China. He promises not to cut defense and not to raise taxes. Mitt claims he started Staples and Sports Authority in the same way that Al Gore claims he invented the Internet. In the end, Mitt gives us nothing but that’s how he stays on top. Well, that and his hair.
By the way, before the debate, Mitt gained the endorsement of NJ Gov. Chris Christie. Welcome to my shitlist Christie.
Next up is that other Mormon, Jon Huntsman. Truthfully, I don’t know how or why this guy is still in the race. It boggles my fucking mind but as long as he is still breathing I have to keep watching him like a hawk. This debate he reminds us of how awesome he was in Utah, a state no one can fact check because no one knows anything about it. He tells us we need to regain our industrial base but doesn’t tell us how. Okay, I’m going to tell you all that we need to have a prosperous country but I’m not going to tell you how. Huntsman also tells us that his flat tax plan brought Utah to the moon. He then disses Cain’s 999 Plan and asks if it is a pizza deal. ROFLMAO! I find it funny because I’ve said the same thing countless times. Damn it, I should be mad because Huntsman bit my joke.
Huntsman tells us that he plans on phasing out corporate welfare and subsidies. He also claims that he will bring forth more aggressive trade laws. Huntsman also disses Romney by pointing out that his state Utah was number one in job creation while Massachusetts was number forty-seven under Romney. Oh snap! Aaaaand that’s about it for Huntsman who had all of about three minutes of screen time.
The other big loser of the GOP field Rick Santorum or Sanscrotum or whatever his name is was present at the debate too. Santorum, fresh off of the racquetball courts jumped into the debate by telling us he wants to drill Pennsylvania! Damn you horn dog go get’m! I wonder if he means the dudes too? There is that rumor you know.
Anyway, Santorum didn’t bring much but he also punked out Cain on his 999 Plan and he even got some audience participation by getting folks to raise their hands whether or not they disagreed with certain aspects of Cain’s plan. When people actually started participating, Santorum got so excited he had a seizure on national television. In fact, he ruined his jacket sleeve by continually wiping the foam from his rabid mouth. Santourm then says something later on about how a president once drove an exploding truck. I don’t know what he meant but it sounds like a fucking great movie idea! I nominate Nick Nolte to play the lead. The only other thing of note to come out of Racquetball Rick’s foamy mouth is that we can’t have limited government without families or something lame like that. Whenever Sanscrotum talks, I wince.
Woohoo! Now we’ve got supermom Michele Bachmann who is wearing pearls the size of ox testicles! Right from the beginning, Bachmann’s got that look in her eye: that same look my Aunt Eustice gets when she loses her teeth in the couch. She immediately informs us that Dodd-Franks are 2 for $5 at the Piggly Wiggly. She also mumbles through stories about Obama mumbling. She is also wearing a flag pin on her and luckily she pinned on the right flag. I think I’m being hard on her but I just can’t take her run seriously anymore. It’s not because she is a woman, it’s because side-by-side she makes Rick Santorum look like he’s smarter than a 5th grader.
Bachmann also jumps down Cain’s throat about his 999 Plan. It’s as if all these candidates are threatened by the black dude who has been whipping their asses since he conquered Florida last month. Bachmann calls the plan a tax plan and not a jobs plan as well as a pipeline for Congress to implement the treacherous VAT tax. She also gets all religiotarded and says that if you flip 999 it is the 666 Plan. Oh Jesus.. literally.
In her head, Bachmann is creating the 333 Plan because she finds “3″‘s to be cute and precious. Before finally leaving us, she has to remind us that she has mothered thirteen dozen kids. I could make a lewd comment about that but c’mon, it wouldn’t be gentlemanly to diss the genitals of any non-male candidates. She closes out the debate by saying, “The more we can do to love people the better off American society is.” That is an actual quote. I think she read it on a poster she saw while buying crystals at the Moon Goddess Emporium. She then looks wildly around and sniffs because apparently a Cinnabon distracted her.
The heaviest hitters of this debate are all that’s left now: Paul, Cain and Gingrich. Starting with Gingrich, I want to say that each debate that goes by, he gains more respect from me. Not because I agree with his stance on things but because he’s got Godzilla sized testicles and he refuses to be pushed around or surprised by the moderators or the other candidates. Newt will take your “gotcha” questions, cut them into small little sharp pieces, stick them to his taped up fists and then punch them up your ass! Newt is the fucking honey badger of the debate! Newt don’t care! Newt don’t give a shit! Newt just ate a fucking cobra AFTER getting bit in the face! His staff quit like months ago! Newt don’t give a shit! Newt doesn’t care! For the record, I once saw Newt eat bees.
To kick off his onslaught, Newt first breaks down the differences between the Tea Party and the misguided Occupy Wall Street movement. He then calls for the firing of Ben Bernanke and Timothy Geithner. He also calls for transparency of the Federal Reserve. I almost pull out my checkbook. Newt then has some colorful rhetoric about head shots and severed limbs. Newt just owns every moment he is given. I half expected him to stand up on Charlie Rose’s kitchen table, drop his pants and shit little Chuck Norrises!
Now I want to talk about Cain and Paul simultaneously because as the debates move on and on, we are coming to understand that when it comes to economics, these guys are polar opposites, especially in regards to the Federal Reserve. Ron Paul, as you all should know, is the one guy who has been taking a baseball bat to the Fed’s nuts for years now. Herman Cain on the other hand is a Fed insider and a former director from the Kansas City branch. Cain’s true colors didn’t really show until this night. I was always highly skeptical of him but his judgment about how to handle the Fed either shows complete ignorance, which I find to be impossible considering his former position, or it shows that he doesn’t want the Federal Reserve to be fully exposed to the public. I’m pretty sure it is the latter.
One of the most shocking moments of the night is when a moderator asked Herman Cain that if he could appoint any former Federal Reserve chairman to head up the Fed now, who would he choose. Cain quickly responded with Alan Greenspan! Is Cain not a true student of economics? Does he not know about inflation? Does he not get how this works? Or is it an attempt to kiss some ass because Greenspan was his former employer and Cain might need a reference if he doesn’t get the White House gig.
Ron Paul quickly jumped in and explained that Greenspan was a “disaster”, as we all should now. I mean, Greenspan was the precursor to Ben Bernanke. Ron Paul went on to state that the best chairman of the Fed was Paul Volcker, not that he was even good but Volcker at least understood the mechanics of inflation.
Ron Paul points out that Herman Cain was against an audit of the Federal Reserve because he said that we would not find anything and that it was a waste of time. Being an insider he should know, right? Well, Paul also points out that when we were able to execute a partial audit a few months back that we discovered a mountain of questionable acts and tyranny. Paul also pointed out that Cain called Ron Paul supporters and those who want to audit the Fed “ignorant” and “stupid”. Cain lied and said he didn’t say that. Well, he did say it. For the record, Cain recently called Ron Paul a “grumpy old man” when he was on ‘The Tonight Show with Jay Leno’. Cain hates Ron Paul and his supporters because if they dig up enough dirt on the Fed, some might stick to Cain himself.
When pressed on the Federal Reserve further, Cain says that he has been “misrepresented” on the issue of the Fed (apparently by himself) but that it was secondary because his focus is on his 999 Plan. Dude, I got 999 Plans but Cain’s ain’t one!
It seems like the mainstream media has now taken to Cain, he’s like their sleeper candidate now that Perry failed and Christie didn’t jump in. Not only did he get the first question of the debate but his 999 Plan monopolized the entire two hours. Luckily there was enough criticism from most of the other candidates and the moderators to start to really open the door on it. I was pretty fucking tired of hearing “nine nine nine” every three seconds of the debate. The main and most obvious problem I see with the plan is what prevents Congress from turning it into the 23-23-23 Plan? C’mon, like they aren’t going to touch it and fuck it up. I also don’t believe the bullshit that it is a stepping stone to the FairTax, as stepping stones have never worked in Washington. All Cain can say against the naysayers is that their “assumptions are incorrect”. Cain also admitted that he doesn’t buy beer, which means he just lost the support of my entire social circle.
Herman Cain really disappointed me beyond belief. My fears of him being a typical neocon in Tea Party clothing have not faded. In fact, I’m now feeling the need to really dig deep on Cain and to look into his past. Maybe I’ll start with archives of his radio show, which I never listened to. I have a feeling he jumped on the Tea Party bandwagon and was probably more of a big government guy before the grassroots revolution took shape. I mean, he supported TARP, he supported Romney and he is trying to protect the Federal Reserve.
With Gary Johnson getting absolutely no respect, there is really only one choice and his name is Ron Paul. To back anyone else is ridiculous at this point. One thing I can say to all you Ron Paul naysayers out there is that at least I don’t have to make excuses for my guy. I don’t have to defend him. I also don’t have to continually justify his stance because it has never changed. These are all things you have to do with any other candidate that was in this debate. Stop wasting your breath and stop wasting your time.
This debate was one of the better ones, all things considered. The game definitely changed for me and a lot of true colors came out. Bachmann, Santorum and Huntsman proved that they are in over their heads, Perry proved once again that he can’t debate, Romney did Romney, Ron Paul brought the realness, Cain showed us that he was NOT his brother’s keeper an Newt ate a fucking cobra! I wish all debates were this awesome. Newtie Badger don’t care!
Grade A: Ron Paul
Grade B: Newt Gingrich
Grade C+: Herman Cain
Grade C-: Mitt Romeny
Grade D: Rick Perry
Grade D: Jon Huntsman
Grade D: Rick Santorum
Grade D: Michele Bachmann
Grade I: Gary Johnson
Video – Cain vs Paul on the Federal Reserve: