William “Waffle Fucker” Taft was a big motherfucker. In fact, home skillet was the largest president in American history. As for the “home skillet” reference, that was used because Billy WF Taft actually once ate a skillet the size of a house. So what exactly is this article about? I’ll answer that.
This article is simply about the lack of awesomeness that Billy WF Taft was unable to exude. To be fair, I have to pinpoint his greatest strength and that was his ability to kick the living shit out of a serious stack of badass waffles. Realistically, that was the only cool thing I can think of about this fat fucktard who spent most of his time stuck in the James Monroe Bathtub while his wife, Helen Heroin Taft used her bare hands to dig breakfast food out of his warehouse sized maw.
So why am I beefing with this ass-squid?
Frankly, the dude sucks. What makes him suck most is the fact that he dodged the bullet of blame when it comes to the biggest financial black eye in our country’s history: the Federal Income Tax. Woodrow Wilson always seems to take the blame for this, as it was enacted while he was in office. However, the 16th Amendment was passed only a month or so into Woody’s tenure. It was Big Willy Taft who championed this heinous asshole amendment. Woody is still a total freaking dick for a lot of reasons, so don’t get it twisted y’all. His day is coming on this sweet blog and I will serve him up like blueberry pie in a Village Inn.
Now you might be asking, “is that the only reason why Laughy Tafty sucks?” My answer to that is a solid fucking “hells no!”
Homeboy seemingly hated black people. Yeah, I fucking said it (or.. er.. typed it). Taft was rather reluctant in enforcing the 15th Amendment. That’s the one giving blacks the right to vote. Apparently Billy Belly never heard of the Civil War and never knew that blacks became free men in the 1860s and were given the right to vote in the 1870s. I bet he hated Indians too: Native Americans not the curry eating kind. The again, he probably hated them too. Taft couldn’t handle spicy food, as he once cleared out the State Dining Room with his impromptu bowel movements thanks to a platter of thai beef salad or yam neua.
Willy Waffles was also a member of the Skull & Bones, which made him just as evil as George W. Bush and John Kerry. Taft Nasty was probably more evil due to his girth and the fact that he somehow managed to wrestle away Teddy Roosevelt’s mustache, which Taft mockingly wore after taking over the White House from ole Teddy Bear.
In the end, William WF Taft set up our country to become a progressive’s wet dream. If it wasn’t for his complete lack of awesomeness, Woody Wilson and Frankie Says Relax Roosevelt wouldn’t have been able to fuck our country up as bad as they did. Taft was the earliest architect of the New Deal. Granted that’s not a historical fact but the Sith always had an agenda and had to wait for the right time to strike.
So next time you’re sitting in Waffle House, stuffing your face with some sweet breakfast treats, don’t forget what I’ve shared with you today about former president and rancor keeper, William H Tasty Taft.