Trump the Chump

*Written by Rob Rimes.

1. Introduction:

How can anyone that really listens to Donald Trump, especially a conservative or libertarian, want to vote for that pandering douche? A viable presidential candidate? C’mon, really?! He’s contradicted himself multiple times in multiple interviews without really saying anything of substance. In his recent Hannity interview (posted here), he starts to say what he’s thinking, gauges Hannity’s reaction, backtracks and then switches. He’s full of shit but yet so many of you “love what he’s saying.” I don’t get it, I really don’t. Then again the people loving Trump are the same people who thought that these Tea Party candidates weren’t going to be useless once voted in. Apart from Rand Paul, the majority of the Tea Party candidates are just lying neocons, at least so far. Well, Trump is worse than a neocon. In reality, he would be worse for this country than Obama.

“The Douche” or “The Donald” as he likes to be called, has had a lot of lame interviews recently discussing his political aspirations and his P.O.V.  on the issues. His P.O.V. has been incredibly inconsistent as has his political track record when looking at candidates he has endorsed. Trump is a panderer and someone who cannot be trusted with the most important job in this country, if not the world. Out of all the recent interviews to analyze and challenge, I have chosen to go with the recent Hannity interview as it has the most material to dissect. Hopefully, after reading this, you won’t be so naive in regards to this two-faced self-promoting glory hound who cares nothing for the people of this country.

2. Affiliation, Getting It, Polls, Conservatism & Contributions:

Getting right to it, the first thing brought up in the Hannity interview was whether Trump was actually going to run or not. He said that he would make an announcement soon and left it wide open. He then went on a tirade about Barack Obama being the worst president in the history of the country. He could be right, he could be wrong but it’s not like he is dropping any real knowledge on us. He tells us that he is the best candidate because he is Obama’s nightmare. He claims that he understands how Obama works, that he “gets it” and Obama does not. He never tells us how he gets it, he just wants to be clear that he does “get it”. If “getting it” means, playing the game by filibustering and and promising nothing, then I guess Trump is the master. However, isn’t that what Obama has been doing, so isn’t this just more of the same?

Trump goes on to boast about how he is the king of all the polls and how polls are a science. He tells us how great he is because they prove he is the right man for the job and he hasn’t even done anything yet to earn that distinction and recognition. He uses that to pretty much make the viewer believe that if he did start making moves towards a presidential campaign that he would be blowing Obama out of the water even more. Trump is selling himself as a product but still hasn’t given us anything to really latch onto. Yet, many of you have a huge crush on this celebrity cockturd turned maybe-politician. The polls just show the idiocy of the American people and their obsession with celebrity. Hell, if you asked the MTV crowd who they wanted running the country, they’d all pick the Situation over Mike Huckabee.

The Donald then boasts about how if he did run, they’d have to put his financial information out there publicly. He goes on to say that he is rich and he’s done a great job but doesn’t explain how or the path that led him to the top of the mountain. He doesn’t bring up all the failures and bankruptcies, not that that is even really a bad thing but he pimps himself out as an infallible finance mastermind that has the key to solve all of our economic woes.

Trump then describes himself to Hannity as a “conservative person”. He then backtracks a bit and says that he is “a conservative with a big heart.” Well, that looks like he is a guy trying to play both sides. He’s got to let those bleeding heart liberals know that he is sensitive to the plight of the proletariat.

Hannity then brings up the claim that Trump made, that if he were to lose the Republican primary, that he would run as an independent. Trump quickly responded by saying he “meant” to say that he would “consider running as an independent” if he didn’t get the Republican nomination, after trying to appeal to their voter base and garner their support. See, Trump has no allegiance and he knows that many in the GOP will back him if he plays the game right. If he doesn’t get the nomination, he’ll fuck the Republicans over and run against them and Obama, thus making Obama’s path back to the White House much easier by splitting the choices three ways instead of two. Trump obviously doesn’t care about the people and the country or even beating Obama. If he did, he would respect the people’s decision in the primary and then back any and all opposition against Obama. I mean, that is, if Obama is the “worst president ever” as Trump claims only two minutes earlier in the same interview.

As Hannity presses the fact that Trump running as an independent would devastate the GOP, Trump panders and says that he would only run if he really believed that he could win beyond a shadow of a doubt. Well if that were the case douchenuts, shouldn’t you have owned the primary? If you can’t even get through the primary process then how can you all of a sudden be the frontrunner? You’re pandering homeboy and you are just appeasing Hannity and his audience by backtracking on your statements and giving them the assurance that you think they need.

When Hannity asks Trump to explain what makes him a conservative, Trump says that he likes people who work and then goes on a tangent about how he is speaking to the Tea Party in Boca Raton, FL and how they had 200 people showing up but once he became involved they had to move the location as thousands were now going to be there. Ah, more shameless self-promotion and self-pimping that skirts around the question asked. He then says he loves the Tea Party because they are “workers” and that they “love America”. He talks about how they were the first group to make people think about the deficit. Um, where have you been dude, people have been bitching about the deficit as long as I can remember.

Hannity then brings up the fact that Trump has donated to anti-Tea Party candidates like Harry Reid, Chuck Schumer and various other Democrats. Trump responds with “Well, I get along with everybody.” Really dude? Really? That’s your answer? Trump continues to explain his stance on this by saying that he comes “from a place that is almost exclusively Democratic.” He says that Republicans don’t have a chance in New York, therefore Republicans don’t even think about New York? What kind of answer is that? What the hell does that mean? Oh.. wait.. he has more to say on it? Trump continues with “Everyone is Democratic, so what am I going to do, contribute to Republicans?” Um, yes dude! So essentially, you want to fight the evil that you supposedly see but your way of doing that is by giving campaign contributions to that very same evil?! How the fuck does that make any sense? To you conservatives supporting this guy, explain this to me! Did Princess Leia send campaign contributions to the Empire? Trump explains that he gives the Democrats money because it is time that we “all get along”. What a deluded fuck. So where is that money for GOP candidates?

I remember in 1995, when Trump teased a presidential run and he came out dissing Republicans saying that the rich needed to be taxed more. Funny, sounds a lot like a liberal and something Obama would say.

3. GOP Competition, Platform, Filibustering, Doubletalk & Islam:

In the next segment of the interview, Sean Hannity asks Trump which of the GOP candidates does he like. Trump, of course pandering to every group watching, says he likes them all. He talks about how he isn’t looking forward to the possibility of running against any of them because he likes them all so much. Dude, shut the fuck up and take a stance! All the candidates have differences, even if they are somewhat subtle. Tell us why you are better than them, break them down or do you not really know what their platforms are? Do you not know who or what you are running against? Do you even know what YOU are running on? I mean, you haven’t made it clear to any of us, that’s for damn sure. All Trump can do here is talk about how every Republican candidate has nice things to say about him and how they are all seemingly backing him. I bet the Donald sniffs his own farts.

Trump then goes on another off topic filibustering tirade about how the numbers aren’t as bad as we think in regards to our economy. Hannity then says that it is a large number, where Trump says “yes it is.” What?! Make up your fucking mind cockpuppet! Then he tells us that we lose money on every country we deal with. Okay homie, so how are the numbers not as bad as we think they are? How are you comforting us here and convincing us that we shouldn’t worry as much as we are? Then he switches again and goes on about how Japan treated us like fools for years and now want our help. What are you talking about again? I’m fucking lost.

Another Trump “but” is when he says that he loves Paul Ryan but he is a little too far out in front. Trump has nothing but double negatives and “buts” in this interview. See, Trump is claiming to relate to the Tea Party and fiscal conservativeness but he wants to keep Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and other entitlements. Wait.. I guess he is like most of the Tea Party then since they want to bitch about spending but they won’t cut their own special programs that youngsters like me have to pay for with no ROI when our time comes.

Hannity explains to Trump the strain that these entitlements have on the economy and Trump doesn’t really respond, he just says that Republicans and Democrats have to work together and he will basically make that happen. Yeah dude, good luck with that. This guy must get some good weed because he’s just walking around in one big fantastical hallucination.

Hannity asks Trump how he would balance the budget. Trump also doesn’t have an answer for this. He just lets us know, as if we are oblivious to the problem, that we are losing a ton of money and jobs. He then switches it to talk about how China is “stealing” our jobs. He then drops the most insightful comment I have ever heard, “The best thing for balancing the budget, is to have a strong economy.” What does that even mean dude, and I’m sure you can’t answer that either.

Trump is then confronted with the fact that he received criticism for his comment that he “gets a negative vibe from the Qur’an.” He then says that something must be going on because every time he turns on a television, a hundred people are killed in a grocery store in Iraq. I wonder if that happens every time I turn on a T.V.? He then talks about soldiers with missing arms and legs and pretty much implies that this is due to Islam.

He then makes a statement that he sells as great, before he even tells Hannity or his audience. That statement is, that “Iran will take over Iraq two minutes after we leave.” Wow, how profound. Trump says that this has already started. Well, I want to see his intel then. Why not share that with the media and the Pentagon. It’s all just bullshit specualtion and scare tactics to get you, the voter, behind this “prophetic” tool. Trump implies that Iran will take the oil. His solution? We take the oil for ourselves because his justification is “in the old days, when you won a country you won a country.” Wait, we won a country? Trump says that “at a minimum” the Iraqis should pay us back for their liberation with $1.5 trillion dollars in oil. Woohoo! Freedom!

4. Nukes, Israel, Christianity, Trials & the Environment:

Sean Hannity kicks off the third segment of the interview by asking Trump if he supports Israel. Without directly answering “yes” or “no” Donald toots his own shitty horn again by boasting about how he has a park named after him in Israel. Who the fuck cares shitpickle! I have an ex-girlfriend with my name tattooed on her ass. That’s cooler than a fucking park in Israel! And guess what dude, I didn’t have to donate money for it like you did. He then talks about how he has lots of Jewish friends. No shit, you live in New York.

Trump then switches the topic to Obama and teacher’s unions. M’kay, what’s that got to do with Israel? Apparently Trump is mad because Obama didn’t walk with the teachers in Wisconsin like he had promised. Okay, is Trump siding with the unions here? Is his inner libtard coming through?

Hannity asks Trump if he is a Christian. Trumps says “I am a protestant, I’m a presbyterian.” He says he is pro-life, against gay marriage but then admits that he has changed his views back and forth over the years. He gets into the issue of abortion and admits that he has been torn over it but is in favor of the death penalty. I guess he has his religious points down.

So with the death penalty issue he switches the topic from religion into talking about terrorists. He says that he wants them to be put to death with a speedy trial. He favors military tribunals over public trials because bringing a terrorist to New York would create “riots, this and that.”

He then switches the subject of military tribunals into talking about how great the military is. He says he would not cut military spending and in fact he would increase the military. Trump claims that he would create the strongest military we’ve ever had. Then before Hannity can delve into that tidbit, Trump flips the script and goes on to talk about how much money Columbia made off of us. Hold up man, expand on your statement. Why are you going from A to Z to M to Q to L to V to F? This guy needs some fucking Ritalin!

Sean Hannity then asks Trump who his favorite presidents are. Trump likes Reagan, of course he does, he is talking to the world’s most famous Reaganite. In 1987, Trump paid for full page anti-Reagan ads in various magazines and newspapers. I guess he forgot about that. Now as Trump flashes back to his memory of seeing Reagan, he says “There is our president. I thought he represented something very special for this country.”

On energy, Trump, in an effort to not ostracize any industry that could financially back him, pretty much says that he supports everything: oil, nuclear and alternative sources. Then he boasts about all his environmental awards received for great golf courses he built. Seriously dude, what the fuck? Let me try and figure out how I can work in to this article the fact that I was on the honor roll in third grade. Ooh, I just did. Did I also mention that I won a camera as the first prize in an art contest and that I had the best finishing time on the obstacle course when my ROTC squad was invited to a real boot camp? I am also a dog lover and loved by dogs as well. I’ve published a book, I’ve made a grilled cheese without my mum’s help and I used to run 13 miles a day. Did I mention that I built a bookshelf by myself and regularly win at backgammon on my iPhone?

Trump then talks about how good he is with the environment because he has lots of environmental consultants. Yeah bro, so does Al Gore.

5. Birther Bullshit, Ayers, Wright, Conspiracies & Obama Bashing:

The first segment of the second day of Hannity’s lengthy interview starts with Trump being confronted with his obsession over Obama’s birth certificate. Hannity talks about the fact that Trump has a team of investigators in Hawaii trying to find out the “truth”. In reality, this is Trump’s “trump card” and the focal point of all his political mumbo jumbo. He has no issues to run on or really discuss apart from trying to prove that Obama is not an American citizen. So while the idiot GOPers line up in support of this conspiracy theorist with no substance, the Obama Administration is laughing and further discrediting the sanity of their opponents. The birther issue is a waste of fucking time. Anyway, Trump is proudly moving forward with it.

In response to Hannity bringing up Trump’s favorite subject, the Donald responded with “I don’t love this issue, I’d rather be talking about how China is ripping us off, how OPEC is [pause, then switches back to the birther topic!].” Well, if you would rather talk about those things, talk about them! Why is this birther investigation seemingly the top priority? I mean, I know the media blows things out of proportion but truth is, Trump is pushing the issue, constantly! Every time you see him, he initiates the subject and pushes the bar. The reason being is that it is controversial and it keeps people talking about Trump. No one would care if he was bitching about China and OPEC and he knows this. So he has latched onto a controversial topic that the other candidates won’t touch because they want to play it safe. His birther tactics are a well calculated scheme but also a double-edged sword.

Then after saying he’d rather talk about China and OPEC, Trump spends the rest of the segment talking about the details of the birth certificate issue. See, he may say he doesn’t want to focus on it but the issue is obviously his passion here. He downplays it yet when it comes up, he makes it take over the conversation. He keeps the rhetoric going. What happened to Donald “Switcheroo” Trump who kept flipping the script and going off topic like an Alzheimer’s patient? Now he is focused and staying on topic. Now he’s comfortable. But yeah, he’d rather talk about Red China and Evil OPEC.

Trump then expands the birther topic into talking about how Obama is actually probably a muslim, how he changed his name from Barry Soetoro, how he had bad grades but ended up in Harvard and how Bill Ayers wrote his first book, which was “better than Hemingway.” M’kay dude, still waiting for you to stop talking about what you don’t like talking about. Rumor has it, if Jesse Ventura doesn’t do a third season of ‘Conspiracy Theory’ for TruTV they are going to ask Trump to do it.

Oh, he’s not done yet? Now he’s bashing Obama for his relationship with Bill Ayers and Reverend Wright. Yeah, we are all aware of this. Trump has to take the opportunity though to explain that Obama frequented a church that spewed hatred towards white people. This is the “demonize the enemy” part of the interview apparently. While Trump regurgitates Glenn Beck’s talking points for the last three years, Hannity just nods and lets him continue. So while talking about Ayers writing Obama’s first book, Trump boasts that he knows something about writing because he wrote a bunch of best-sellers. I’m glad Trump is an expert on everything.

The Obama bashing continues even longer. Glad to see Trump is so focused on Obama and not himself or his political platform. He’s definitely got his anti-Obama talking points down. So far the only pro-Trump talking points are about how he has won environmental awards, has written best-sellers, invented cheese and was the first to claim that Pluto wasn’t a planet. Surprisingly he hasn’t yet boasted about inventing the “dead cat” hairstyle.

Now Hannity jumps in on the Obama bashing by mentioning how Obama dropped Ayers, Wright and others who made him. This leads Trump to go on a tirade about how Obama has no loyalties. Yawn! Yeah dude, we know. Can we talk more about your plan to save America? Nope, didn’t think so.

Great now we’re back to the birther issue and Donald bitching about Obama’s “free ride”. There isn’t much left to analyze here because this rant has taken up fifteen minutes. Trump is a chump and obviously has nothing real to say. It sucks that I had to sit through a two day interview and walked away with no real insight as to what Donald Trump plans to do to fix this country. Instead I just got to hear about how great he is and how bad Obama is.

6. Conclusion:

Donald Trump is not a serious candidate. He has no idea what he is doing. The only reason people in the GOP are backing him is because he is bashing Obama, he tells them whatever they want to hear and he’s a celebrity. Yes, this country has become so shallow that a guy with a reality show and a dead cat on his head can actually be considered a viable candidate for President of the United States. The sad reality is that Trump has a real chance. To me, that is incredibly fucking scary!

This man would be worse for this country than Barack Obama. That is a crazy statement at this point but I truly believe it. At least Obama had an agenda and he stuck to it. Sure he lied about some things, they all do, but he presented himself as a socialist and he has implemented socialist change in our crumbling capitalistic country. Trump has no agenda apart from trying to prove that Obama isn’t a U.S. citizen. His wild goose chase takes precedence over unemployment, the fact that we are in three wars, the economy, foreign policy, the war on drugs, immigration or anything else that is currently dividing the country. Nope, Trump would prefer to pander to both sides, present himself as some sort of moderate-conservative that supports progressive candidates while pretending he is the host of ‘Conspiracy Theory’.

Trump does have Obama beat in one area though. He has worked a real job and he has built up a successful empire. I can’t leave this as just a blatant Trump bashing. I think that his success is great and he has created opportunity for thousands upon thousands of people and he knows how to create jobs. All I ask, is that if he is seriously going to run for president, he needs to switch his focus to that. Fuck the birth certificate, fuck boasting about your trivial accolades and fuck this pandering crap. State your stance, stick to your guns and give us a solution to the problem. Show us your plan, not your trophies. Until then, no one that is actually a critical thinker and a real libertarian or conservative can ever take you seriously. If you aren’t really planning on running, step the fuck off and stop playing with people’s emotions. Times are hard and you’re acting like the class clown. This is the most serious election we have had in decades. To you, it seems, it is just a publicity stunt.

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