*Written by Rob Rimes.

Do you remember when Michele Bachmann was declared the frontrunner in the 2012 GOP primary race for the presidential nomination? It seems like it was eons ago even though it really wasn’t that far back. I guess the fact that we’ve had somewhere around 13,000 debates since then makes it almost a distant memory. It’s not distant to Mrs. Bachmann however, as she still believes that she is just dealing with some minor setback. The truth is, Bachmann’s once status as frontrunner was pretty much built on bullshit and since time has passed, she has become her own worst enemy, shown her true colors and gone on to defeat herself. Now I am not saying that this dingbat harpy even had a chance at winning this damn thing but just when she does have the opportunity to maybe move up a little bit, her complete lack of substance and general weirdness destroys her chances. People see through this woman’s hypocrisy and even the idiots that once supported her are now jumping ship onto Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney or Ron Paul.

Back about six or seven months ago, Michele Bachmann took part in the Ames, Iowa debate and she then went on to win their major straw poll. By winning that straw poll, Michele Bachmann was declared the immediate frontrunner over all the other candidates. It is funny because everyone gave her props for being in first and they gave Tim Pawlenty props for being in third. In typical mainstream fashion, they didn’t even mention that Ron Paul got second place. In fact, Michele Bachmann beat Ron Paul with 4,823 votes (28.55%) to 4,671 votes (27.65%)! Bachmann beat Paul with less than 1 percent! Yes, less than 1 percent! So how exactly was she declared the definitive frontrunner with such a narrow margin? Hell, Mr. Third Place Tim Pawlenty actually dropped out of the race immediately after the results were announced. Pawlenty is a vanilla bitch and will never have the balls to hack it in a real election.

So while the conservative media was cheering the Tea Party princess’ hard fought solid “victory”. They failed to mention the dirty scheme that was going on behind the scenes. Oh Jesus Dan Aykroyd Christ, sometimes reality is stranger than fiction and this is one of those times. Most people don’t know about how Bachmann pulled off this “win”, so let me break it down like mutant amino acids fueled by angeldust.

Michele Bachmann spent upwards of a million dollars to ensure her victory. How so, well she bought over 6,000 concert tickets for Grammy Award-winning country music superstar Randy Travis. She also paid for his concert and his fee to appear in Ames, Iowa that weekend. She also paid to bus in Randy Travis fans with the catch that they had to vote for Bachmann before they could enjoy the free entertainment. As you can see, Bachmann is a dirty scumbag.

However, even though she gave out 6,000 tickets, she still only got 4,823 votes, which means that a pretty large portion of the Randy Travis fans didn’t vote for her anyway. Bachmann got had but she deserved it. The point is, without this bullshit, would she have won? The answer is a solid “fuck no!” Hell, the fact that she beat Ron Paul by less than a percentage point is even more irritating. Without this crappy concert, Ron Paul would have won the Ames Straw Poll. Would the mainstream media have immediately crowned Dr. Paul as the frontrunner? Probably not. In fact, they probably would have given a shitload of props to Pawlenty for then getting second and T. Paw may have even stayed in the race a little bit longer. Hell, at second place, they may have made T. Paw the frontrunner and ignored Dr. Paul’s first place win as some sort of fluke due to his overly passionate supporters. Since when was having overly passionate supporters a bad thing? I guess it’s a bad thing when the mainstream press is scared shitless of the truth, as is the case with Dr. Paul.

So anyway, this brings us up to now, just a few days away from the Iowa Caucuses. Every single poll that I have looked at has Michele Bachmann in last place out of all the candidates. It is worth mentioning that Jon Huntsman isn’t participating, so he isn’t on the list. It’s crazy though because batshit Bachmann was the frontrunner after the last event in Iowa and now she is dead last and by a significant margin. How could this have happened?

Well, the fact that her Ames Straw Poll win was bullshit to begin with is a major reason. The fact that she has spent months on the campaign trail just spewing the same lame ass fucking catchphrases over and over again is probably another reason. Whenever asked questions at debates, if she doesn’t drop a tired catchphrase, she just talks about how bad Barack Obama is, not how she plans on beating him and fixing our problems. If she isn’t Obama-bashing she is talking about her 2,563 foster kids. If she isn’t doing either of those things, she is attacking other candidates. One thing she never does though, is offer solid solutions let alone any substance. When she does talk about policy, this self-described “constitutional conservative” spends her time explaining and defending why she needs to ignore the Constitution on certain issues, like bombing muslims for instance. She’s just a big ball of hypocritical crap trying to fill the cougar sex appeal void left over from Sarah Palin sitting this one out.

Michele Bachmann has nothing to say that is relevant to anything. She actually wants to do the exact opposite of what she claims she is. She is just your run-of-the-mill Orwellian doublethinker that can’t even look in the mirror and see the mountain of bullshit that is looking back at her. Bachmann has gone from Iowan star to Iowan afterthought simply because she has absolutely nothing to offer. Then again, 7 percent of the people in that state still support her. Who knows, maybe they were promised handjobs from Taylor Swift.