The joke is still on us.

Herman Cain has officially announced that he is suspending his campaign after stretching out and milking this announcement for several wasted hours of television. Trying to boost his ego and show off his massive campaign headquarters, Cain hid behind the curtain for hours and hours before making his highly publicized official announcement. In fact, over the course of three and a half hours, the on-scene Fox News reporter repeatedly said, “He’s coming on in just under ten minutes now.” Why is this point even important? Well, it just shows the type of character that Herman Cain is, he’s an egomaniacal thin-skinned narcissist that is constantly fishing for acceptance and love from just as hypocritical “constitutional” Tea Party supporters that continually put all their eggs in the worst baskets. I miss the original Tea Party that had similar ideas to Ron Paul. You know, back before they were co-opted by the Republican Party when the GOP princess Sarah Palin jumped on the grassroots bandwagon and warned us all of the ferocity of “mama grizzlies”.

Back to the big exit of Mr. Cain; early reports suggested that Cain’s wife Gloria was adamant that he needed to drop out, due to the strain the campaign and the sexual harassment allegations were having on their marriage and their family. In a show of union, his wife came out with him to make his announcement while that lame and hokey “I Am America” song blared through the speakers. The crowd immediately chanted “Gloria! Gloria! Gloria!” before Spermin’ Herman could even get out a word. I wonder if Herman was a bit upset when his wife came out and stole his thunder?

Stepping up to the mic like Big Daddy Kane in his prime, Big Grandaddy Cain proceeded to give his typical heartfelt emotionally charged speech full of God references. Cain also painted out how bad ass he feels that he is. Sipping on a big ass jar of Bad Motherfucker Juice, Cain wanted all of us to know that he is the illest M.C. in the game and that no suckas better jock his shit!

In the end, he wasted our time. To parade himself around on television all day and to not give us a real decision by flat out saying “I’m out, y’all!” just adds to the ridiculousness of this whole charade. You see, this is the essence of Herman Cain, a man that can’t make decisions that have any sort of finality. This campaign was all about Mr. Cain and once things got a little too out of hand, he was ready to step off and really, that’s great. Why? Because we don’t need a selfish prick out for his own self-interest occupying the Oval Office. Well, at least with the campaign suspended, he can focus more of his time on acquiring more bitches to bite him in the ass further down the road. He can also continue his book tour and lobby for a Fox News contract. Maybe by 2016 homeboy could run for president again, as long as he keeps his hoes in check and makes sure that they don’t come nipping at his ankles. Where I sit however, I hope he’s done. Just get a show following Huckabee on Saturday nights and collect the checks man! Mikey Huck has this game figured out. Trust me dude, follow Huck’s example.

Cain ended his soulless speech with more lyrics from a Pokemon song. No really, he quoted Pokemon again! And he even admitted that he was quoting Pokemon! Yep, the joke’s on us! The problem with this is, is that this campaign has been a huge fucking farce and when Cain is exposed by many in the media for giving us nothing more than kabuki theatre, he just relishes in it and feeds into it ever more! This was just another prime example of that and as advertising legend Don Draper once said, “Why should we waste time on kabuki?” Herman Cain basically told Rachel Maddow, Jon Stewart and everyone else that has called him out for being a mediocre actor playing a poor character in a bad college play to “STFU because the joke that is the Cain Train is still chugging along!” Unfortunately for Spermin’ Herman, the train has been derailed by several variables, not just those that are pointing Lee Press-On Nails at his twig and berries.

And that’s what really gets me. Cain supporters are pissed at these countless “unjust” accusations that a sea of morally vacant women are throwing at him. I actually wrote a 6,000 word article on how Cain is a horrible choice for president and it was published before any sexual allegations even came forward. However, Cain Brains turn away from their messiah’s real faults and try to blame his current misfortune on these numerous scandals because it is apparently easier to blame someone else than to accept the fact that your guy is an idiot who continually gets stumped on kindergarten level questions. Go read my article “How Could You Vote for Herman Cain” to see seven solid reasons, none of them scandalous, as to why this guy is a shitty candidate. But yeah, it’s the sexual allegations that were the harbinger of death to the Cain campaign.

As far as the scandals go, I could see calling one or two or maybe even three “a bunch of bullshit” but there are more than half a dozen now and I just don’t see that many women coming forward if there isn’t at least some truth behind some of these allegations. The whole theory that the liberals are out to destroy this man is just fucking stupid. Why would liberals want to get Cain out of the race when at one point, he had a real chance at winning this whole thing? Liberals want this guy to face Obama because they know that he wouldn’t be able to elevate himself to the big leagues. It doesn’t matter that Obama is a lying bastard who panders and spews bullshit. Obama is the best at it and whether he could deliver any real substance or not is a moot point because either way, he would’ve eaten Cain for breakfast. If that observation pisses you off, you may need to look at yourself and figure out why you put your blind faith into this unproven unelected businessman who is touted for his roaring success even though his pizza chain is only the 9th biggest in the country. I bet Fox News had you thinking that Godfather’s Pizza was on the same level as Papa John’s, Dominoes or Pizza Hut. Nope, not even close. Sorry, but I want the best leader for the best nation in the world, not the ninth best pizza CEO handing out 999 deals that no one wants.

After the man suspended his campaign, I slept well knowing that many of the Cain Brains cried themselves to sleep that night. At least those that wasted their whole day at that event got free barbecue. Shit, that’s more than what I got wasting my time in front of the television waiting to hear the fantastic news that Herman Cain was a quitter that disappointed his supporters. However, were they disappointed because they invested in a guy who took their money and walked away? Nope, they were disappointed that their hero wasn’t going to get to scream “nine! nine! nine!” at Obama repeatedly during crucial debates. Cain was a splinter in the eye of the GOP but too many people couldn’t see it because that splinter was already lodged into their retinas. Well, at least all of those who sent this man money can relish in the fact that they just paid for his overly elaborate book tour. In reality, I feel that this was just some publicity stunt to sell books to his gullible Cain Brains that just wanted something real to believe in.

What pisses me off the most, is that I met this guy, I talked to him and he seemed like a stand up dude. Of course, this is before he announced his candidacy and before I even looked into his track record and studied up on him. Once looking at the facts, my feelings for the guy changed and it amazes me that I was only one of a slight few that did. In fact, as this guy’s campaign went on and no matter how many times he fucked up, people kept jumping on the Cain Train. What boggles my mind even more than all of this is the large amount of people who have been forced off of this Cain Train and are now backing Ron Paul. Really? Because these two men are complete opposites ideologically. Hell, I’ve actually seen comments from people all over the Internet that are calling for a Paul/Cain ticket in 2012! Are you kidding me? This just goes to show how disconnected the typical Cain Brain is from knowing anything about policy other than what they hear casually from Rush Limbaugh or their Tea Party friends who are now more concerned with social standing in their political coffee group over actual substance.

I hope that this is the last Herman Cain article that I ever have to write. I hope that he fades away into nothingness and lives out his life in peace and quiet trying to convince his wife that those dozen women he may have slept with are just crazy vampire bitches out to drink his blood. At the end of the day, Cain’s got 999 problems, and each one’s a bitch. Gloria Cain probably deserves better.

Unfortunately, Cain will be around forever. Even if he doesn’t get an exclusive Fox News contract, he will make appearances on all their shows giving his two cents; hopefully he isn’t asked anything about foreign policy. The truth is, we are stuck with this guy now. He’s loved by many and he provides good sound bites. This may actually be his calling, as running for the highest office in the world just wasn’t his cup of tea. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate the guy; I just need a break. Shit, I think we all do.

The best part about all of this, is that we never have to see cigarette-smoking Mark Block staring all hard at us through the television right before Cain gives us that slow and creepy “I just fucked you in the ass” smirk. Yeah, he really did fuck us all in the ass; that million dollar smirk is all the evidence I need. At least these two loons gave us one of the worst campaign ads in history.

As Reason Magazine stated just after Cain’s announcement: “It’s over for the Cain Train, which was wrecked by its candidate’s ultimate lack of seriousness.”