I described the last Huckabee fourm as “..about as fun as using a power drill on one’s own head.” With that said, I doubt that this second attempt at trying to grab ratings for Huck’s lackluster Saturday night show was any better. Considering that the first forum was so awful and that Ron Paul didn’t even participate in this one, I opted out of watching it and instead went out and had some sushi, ribeye and drinks with some friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. Sometimes life is more important than politics for a political commentator and since this was just a circus of five statist shitcocks claiming to be conservatives, I couldn’t bear to sit through another shit show trying to take itself seriously.

So what could I possibly write about the debate, considering I didn’t even see it? Well, I think it is important to acknowledge it and important to explain why I didn’t watch it, as I already have. Truth be told, it isn’t hard to know exactly how this night went without even witnessing it.

I’m sure Mitt Romney gave us the same old crap about being the King of Job Creation and his claims weren’t attacked by the other candidates, as this was probably like the last Huckabee forum where candidates weren’t allowed to share the stage or talk about each other. Doesn’t Huck know how lame that is? No one wants to see these people not rip each other’s throats out! We want blood! That’s the only way you can separate the bitches and bastards from the generals. Anyway, Romney pimped his job creation skills, talked about how much of a dickhead Obama was and warned that China was going to murder American puppies. I also assume that he was wearing Garnier Volumizing Anti-Humidity.

Newt Gingrich probably ranted about the Romney-Bain issue and spent most of that time defending himself from looking like an asshole for continually harping on ol’ Mittens about it. Newt probably name dropped Ronald Reagan six dozen times. Huckabee probably had Newt explain why he is the thirty-seventh version of the second coming of Reagan. Gingrich most likely pandered to the South Carolinians regarding parts of his platform that might be frowned upon by the people of the South. Newt most assuredly filibustered about everything from his controversial illegal immigration stance to allowing the Confederacy to rise again.

I’m sure Jon Huntsman went on to talk about how no one but him understands China. He also would have talked about bringing our troops home. He probably talked down all of our wars and offered up some good foreign policy points that differ from everyone else in the forum quite drastically. He may have talked in Mandarin or Klingon at some point in an effort to confuse the South Carolinians. He also would have played up his success in New Hampshire as some sort of great win, even though he was in third place. I would gather that he probably said “truth deficit” nine-hundred times give or take a few dozen.

If history is any indicator, Governor Perry talked about sanctions on everyone and pushing our troops back into Iraq to continue on some pointless conquest. Perry probably used a lot of fear-mongering to sell South Carolinians on the idea that every other country in the world wants to steal our wives and sell our children to Martians. He went on to ramble incoherently but got applause for it nonetheless. He was also blind to the fact that he is not just at the bottom of the barrel, he has been nailed, glued and stapled to it.

Gay-hating penis muffin Rick Santorum went on to talk about how awesome Jesus Christ is and how he was going to give him the power to cure fags and revive dead fetuses. With the first power, he would most assuredly put Marcus Bachmann out of business but then again it would be a true cure to the gay disease and Mr. Bachmann and Mr. Santorum wouldn’t have to worry about hiding their ravenous sexual appetites, as they would only be interested in women after the cure. With the second power granted by Jesus, Santorum would build a small army of undead baby zombies that he could use to achieve several evil deeds. For instance, they could be used for espionage work, as they could hide in small areas and move around undetected. They could also be used to clear mine fields before our military moved in to claim another country. Hell, they could even be used as a pack of piranha-like undead parasites that Santorum could unleash on his political enemies, where they would be devoured or zombified – either way making them a part of Santorum’s undead fetus army.

What did Ron Paul do? He sat this one out and probably didn’t even bother watching it as it was just a forum to display the same old establishment bullshit and propaganda. Now I am not sure if Dr. Paul chose to sit this out or if Huck was just a dick and didn’t invite him. Typically, even at shit events like this one, Ron Paul takes advantage of any free time given to him. The only way I could see him not participating, if he was invited, would be due to being locked in to a prior engagement. Whatever the reason, he’s the real winner here for not even being a part of this mess. Besides, the first forum was just a waste of his time.

In the end, I couldn’t care less about this forum. This should be obvious after reading through this bullshit article. I’ve also learned that most of these candidates have nothing more to say. At this point they just need to go after each other in a free-for-all brawl leaving no punches pulled! To take these people, at this point, and put them in a scenario where they can’t talk about each other or even share a stage is just stupid and careless. I know Mike Huckabee wants to be above the bickering and name calling but that’s all we’ve got left! Let them bleed out! It’s time to release the sharks!

There is no grading scale for this debate. Just assume everyone in it got an “F” and Ron Paul got an “A” for not taking part.