Korean unicorns are different from the unicorns you probably think of. These are Korean unicorns in the picture. As you can see, they’re much more colorful and their corns are way more penis-y than their western counterparts. I like that about them. And now North Korea’s state-run news agency has announced the discovery of the ancient unicorn lair where King Tongmyong’s (the founder of Goguryeo, the northernmost of the the Three Kingdoms of Korea) unicorn mount used to reside. And you know what? I believe them. I’m joking, I just said that because I don’t want them to nuke me. “What nukes?” LOLOL.
In what appears to be a suggestion of superiority over nearby enemies South Korea, the report says: ‘The discovery of the unicorn lair, associated with legend about King Tongmyong, proves that Pyongyang was a capital city of Ancient Korea as well as Koguryo Kingdom.’It goes on to say: ‘A rectangular rock carved with words “Unicorn Lair” stands in front of the lair.
‘The carved words are believed to date back to the period of Koryo Kingdom (918-1392).
‘The temple served as a relief palace for King Tongmyong, in which there is the lair of his unicorn.’
STOP THE PRESSES. I almost believed it up until the ‘Unicorn Lair’ sign. There’s no way there was a sign that read ‘Unicorn Lair’. Even the dumbest stable boy wouldn’t be stupid enough to ADVERTISE WHERE YOU KEEP THE UNICORNS. That would be like hanging ‘TREASURE ROOM THIS WAY —>’ signs all over your castle.