The wife of presidential candidate Rick Santorum said Thursday that his rise in the polls is due to God working in mysterious ways.

“I personally think this is God’s will. I think He has us on a path, and I do think there’s a lot more happening than what we’re seeing,” Karen Santorum told Glenn Beck as she and her husband sat for an interview on his Web-based show, GBTV. “Personally I mean I think Rick’s a great guy, and he’s really smart and everything. But I think a lot more is happening than what we can actually see.”

Mrs. Santorum said she initially was reluctant to have him run for the White House — so much so that when Mr. Santorum approached her and asked her to pray about it, he said her initial reaction was that she wouldn’t even pray because “God couldn’t possible want you to do this.”

But she finally gave the go-ahead to her husband to run for the White House once she saw President Obama win passage of his health-care law, which she said “put the fire in my belly.”

She said the campaign has been challenging, and said some would “have to be crazy to want” to be president. But she said she and her husband escape that because for them “it’s completely a spiritual thing. This is God’s will.”

“The ‘want’ is a mission to make the culture a better culture, more pleasing to God,” Mrs. Santorum said. “For us it’s all about making the world a better place.”

Sitting with three of their children, the Santorums said the campaign has been educational for the children, and said they’ve thrived on the encouragement of the voters they’ve met along the way.

Source: The Washington Times.

*Written by Rob Rimes.

I was late watching this debate, as I had to check the replay. Unfortunately, I wasn’t home and I was unable to take serious notes on it. I was at my boss’ house due to it being the annual national sales meeting for my real job and between the alcohol and festivities, this thing was hard to watch in any serious sort of manner. I regret not being able to give it my full attention but the whiskey and wine were flowing, the girls were distracting to say the least and the copious amounts of food transplanted from several of the world’s most exotic regions somehow took precedence over watching the most recent episode of ‘Three Tyrants and a Wizard’. I do apologize as I have been trying to chronicle every damn one of these things but there are just so many, seven this month alone, and turning down a chance to literally spend the night at a party thrown at the mansion of the Indian version of Caligula is incredibly hard to pass up. Bourbon soaked tits are better to stare at than three dudes arguing over their dicks and the fourth shaking his head because America’s fallen so far that we’re literally having a debate about three dicks.

Now I did go back and read the transcripts from the debate and I did watch Ron Paul’s highlights – the only important parts, as the other three’s highlights would’ve put me to sleep in my hungover stupor. If it wasn’t for my boss’ brother handing me a Bloody Mary when I walked through the office door this morning, I’d probably be curled up in a ball under my desk hiding from the flickering power-draining headache-inducing fluorescent lights over my head. Needless to say, I am not a Bloody Mary fan by any stretch of the word, as it just conjures up the thought of drinking vodka with some ketchup spilled in it, but that fucking cocktail hit the spot today and I’m about 70 percent recovered from guest-starring in the Bollywood version of ‘Eyes Wide Shut’.

I know I’m rambling about my drunken escapades and that might disinterest you, as you came to this article to experience my certain style of critique on these things, so for that I’m sorry. I will do my best to give you the rundown of the debate, as I saw it between nude champagne showers and Chilean sea bass dodgeball.

So I’m just going to go down the line and analyze the candidates one-by-one starting with Rick Santorum. He started by talking about illegal immigration, border fences and telling the story about his immigrant family for the umpteenth time. He got into it with Ron Paul on foreign policy and failed miserably as he tried to cover up the fact that he’s a goddamned idiot on the affairs of Central and South America. I’ll write more on this when I get to Ron Paul, who owned Santorum like a twenty dollar prostitute. Santorum goes on to bitch about Fannie and Freddie and in turn blasts Newt and Mitt for playing personal politics and distracting everyone from discussing the real issues. On the subject of space, Santorum said that America is a frontier country and space is the next frontier to conquer. He calls for the private sector to be more involved with NASA but doesn’t fully support government being out of it. On health care he goes on and on about how awesome he is for trying to create health savings accounts. If you were so awesome, you would’ve got it done pal! He then gets into a health care argument with Romney that is neither interesting or worth writing about but what the hell, I’ll give you the nutshell version. Basically it went something like this:

Rick Santorum: “Fuck Romneycare”
Mitt Romney: “But it was only at the state level Ricky Baby!”
Rick Santorum: “I don’t care Mitt! You’re a bitch and you gave Obama the blueprints to evil!”
Mitt Romney: “Ricky Baby, you’re so silly!”
Rick Santorum: “Jesus Bible! No health care for the gays!”

Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich spent most of their time arguing about who was a bigger bastard while both looked like big bastards. Mittens talked about “self-deportation” again. If these guys believe in such a thing as an effective way of handling a situation, can we get them to believe in “self-governance”? If they trust those illegal immigrants to leave on their own accord after sneaking in here in an effort just to come back in a way that is much more difficult, they’ve got to believe that we’re all capable of managing every other aspect of our lives? I mean, they are putting blind faith into something so farfetched that they’ve got to be down with just saying “fuck it” and letting us run our own shit, right?

On the immigration subject, Newt says that Romney is the most anti-immigrant candidate out of the four. Romney gets all pissy and pulls his two Latino cards. The first he pulls is Marco Rubio, the Cuban American senator that came to his defense on immigration. The second card Mitt pulled was Mexico, as his father was born there. I was born in a hospital bro, that doesn’t make me a doctor!

Romney and Gingrich argue about immigration for awhile and then they argue about Fannie and Freddie and who is the biggest crook. Newt, once he gets away from the lame feud for a minute, goes on some tangent about making a moon base. Newt later said that Jacksonville was going to get big pimpin’ because the Panama Canal was widening and would bring them more boat traffic. Shortly after that we were treated to a Santorum-Gingrich-Romney three-way which was like stumbling upon a middle-aged homosexual version of Cinemax at three in the morning. It was a bitch and rant fuck fest that no one in their right mind needed to see, unless of course you’re into middle-aged gay men. If you are, I mean absolutely no disrespect. Do ya thang homegirl!

Fuck all these queens, let’s get to Ron Paul, the only adult in the room. On immigration, he says that if we had a working healthy economy we wouldn’t be so worried about the immigration issue as we’d be looking for workers to fill jobs. He adds that the way we are handling our borders is actually harming our economy. He points out that we don’t have the right amount of resources on the border and that we should pay more attention to our border instead of the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan.

On the Latin America issue, Ron Paul says, “Free trade is the answer.” He throws in the fact that we’d be a lot better off if we practiced free trade with Cuba. He adds that he doesn’t like the idea that America thinks that they can go down to Central and South America and try to dictate which kind of leaders they need down there, as it is none of our business. He says that the best way to influence other nations isn’t by telling them what to do, it is by practicing friendship and free trade. Paul then references Santorum who said that we have to stand up for these nations. Paul explains that standing up for nations often times comes with us imposing ourselves on the people of these countries while picking their dictators, undermining their government and sending them a lot of money. He warns that this sort of tactic always backfires and the people we are “supporting” end up hating us. Ron Paul calls Rick Santorum’s ideas on foreign policy the “bully way”. Paul adds that he knows a better to way to work with people other than using force. Santorum shakes his head, mumbles some stupid crap and then changes his tampon while wiping his bitch tears. Checkmate Paul!

Ron Paul is asked if Mitt and Newt should return the money they’ve made off of Fannie and Freddie and he responds to thunderous applause when he says, “That subject doesn’t interest me a lot.” Paul says that Fannie and Freddie should have been auctioned off right after the crash came. He said that if it was sold, the problem would’ve been “cleansed” by now. Ron Paul says that he’s been trying to prevent this stuff which is why we need to end the Federal Reserve.

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asks says that Ron Paul, if elected, would be the oldest president ever. He asks Paul if he would make his medical records public to show the people that he is healthy. Blitzer basically wants to paint Ron Paul as a geezer who could croak tomorrow and I find the question to be repugnant, just as I found it distasteful when the same issue was brought up with Ronald Reagan years ago. Paul said that he’ll prove how healthy he is by delivering an open challenge to all the other candidates to face him in a 25 mile bike ride in the heat of Texas. Ron Paul face-palmed the shit out of Wolf Blitzer and the other candidates with that answer. He also took a shot at Wolf himself when he jokingly pointed out that there are laws against age discrimination and that Blitzer should be careful. Wolf, after getting bitchslapped, tries to cover up the stupid question by asking the other candidates if they’d release theirs. What a tool.

On space spending, Ron Paul says that he would only approve funding on stuff that fits under defense. He says that going to the Moon and Mars is fantastic but that it could be done better by the private sector if their hands weren’t tied. Ron Paul then takes a shot at Newt, saying that he has stretched the truth with all his “balanced budget” claims from the days when he was Speaker of the House. Ron Paul is taking solid shots backed by facts and there is nothing that can be done about it when he brings these guys a dose of the truth. Strangely, Newt Gingrich was very polite and gracious to Ron Paul all night and gave him props for his ideas in several areas.

In the end, the debate was lightyears better than the NBC debate a few days prior. CNN does the best job, in my opinion, and I’ve watched every single one of these debates. Kudos to Wolf for rocking the house, even with a few prickish questions. Ron Paul owned the motherfucker, Santorum did decent if you are into his religio-fascist bullshit while Newt and Mitt looked like a few bickering Tinas arguing over the last pack of Lee Press-On Nails at K-Mart.

And that’s all I got because I immediately returned to my whiskey-scented orgy on the south lawn.

Grading Scale:
Grade A+: Ron Paul
Grade C-: Rick Santorum
Grade D+: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Mitt Romney

*Best debate moment in recent memory:

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Introduction:

I don’t hate Mitt Romney but I am certainly not a fan, which should be obvious at this point. I do hate the goddamned media for giving him an unfair advantage over the other candidates but truthfully, that isn’t his fault. Romney isn’t the absolute worst presidential choice out there, which many of my colleagues and readers may disagree with vehemently, but he is still a progressive statist bastard that is hellbent on controlling the lives of all of us in an effort to keep the giant wheel of the establishment machine rolling. I have been nasty to the guy many times in my countless diatribes about the 2012 election but my distaste and malcontent has been for a very good reason. Point being, I know that Romney can’t save this country and I feel that this is painstakingly obvious even though I find myself completely befuddled over the fanfare and support that this guy gets, not just form the media – their support is understandable, but from the conservative voting public who are all pretty much in unison behind this guy’s idea of smaller government, less taxes and squashing the budding police state. This guy will not solve any of those problems. In fact, he will only magnify them and dig our giant pit of legislative bullshit deeper and deeper. Hell, the pit is practically bottomless at this point but electing Mitt Romney will only solidify that fact even further.

I’m certainly not saying that Obama is a better choice out of the two. Realistically, I don’t think there is much difference between one or the other. This is a prime example of there being just one big government party with two wings: one that wears blue shirts with donkeys on them and one that wears red shirts with elephants on them. The worst part about this is that most “conservatives” are following Romney, as well as Gingrich and Santorum, believing in the hypocritical rhetoric that they’ve got a small government guy on their side who will fight for them. Realistically, those who support these guys are ignorant in economics and foreign policy. It is incredibly unfortunate but as Ron Paul said in a recent debate, “Conservatives have lost their way.”

Now I can’t completely cover every negative thing on Romney’s record, as there is a lot, but I am going to talk about a few points. In the end, it is really your decision as to where you want to put your vote but you really need to think this through and ask yourself where you want to be in four years. Do you want to be climbing out of the hole or do you want to be yelling at the guys that are still digging and digging?

Smaller Government:

The first thing worth getting into is definitely the issue of Mitt claiming that he’ll work towards making government smaller. Mitt Romney, who has preached for this over the course of all these debates, has a really shitty record of practicing what he’s been preaching. In reality, Mitt has been feeding into the desires of the voter base and has been stringing them along with his version of the popular rhetoric of the day. The sad thing is that many of the people who support this douchenugget are taking all this bullshit at face value and not looking at reality. Truthfully, maybe Romney actually believes his empty words and his supporters might not be adept enough to see through the Orwellian doublespeak. Let me rundown his track record of big government bullshit by ripping the fucking band-aid off: exposing the man’s economic sores.

I could write a whole damn article about the monstrosity that is Romneycare but I won’t bore you or myself with the details that have already been recycled a million times and beaten into the ground with Thor’s hammer by every critic for several years now. I’m over the Romneycare issue personally. I don’t like it, I think it’s shit, it was the blueprint for what became Obamacare but it was done at the state level, not the federal level and most Bay Staters still approve of it, so that is their economic cross to bear.

One thing that many Romney supporters don’t know or just choose to ignore is the fact that he significantly raised taxes in Massachusetts while he was governor. While preaching fiscal conservatism and pimping himself out as friendly to business, Governor Romney increased the tax bill on businesses by $300 million! He and his cronies also approved hundreds of millions of dollars worth of higher fees and fines on businesses in just four years! Many business owners were incredibly dissatisfied with Romney as governor. Essentially, corporate taxes under Romney almost doubled in just his one term.

I guess the tax hikes were necessary though, as Romney drastically increased spending in Massachusetts. In 2006, Ol’ Mittens increased spending in just that year by 7.6 percent. In 2007, he increased spending again, this time all the way up to 10.2 percent. During just his four years in office, he increased state spending by a total of 20.7 percent! That’s a lot of debt thrown on the taxpayer but at least those hefty tax hikes on corporations absorbed some of the burden. Maybe this tax burden accounts for the fact that Mitt Romney managed the 47th ranked state, out of 50, in the realm of job creation. That brings me to my next point.

Romney has been touting his job creation success while working at Bain Capital. He proudly boasts about creating corporations like Staples, Sports Authority and Steel Dynamics, all of which have created hundreds of thousands of jobs. However, as governor, unemployment was a real problem in Massachusetts. Sure, he did great in the private sector and as Romney himself has said, “Jobs are created in the private sector.” However, all of his job creation skills didn’t translate to success when he reached office. So what makes the public think that this job magician’s magic wand will suddenly work this time? Yes he is a self-professed business master but he couldn’t tap into that while running Massachusetts so essentially his trial run at it was a failure. On the issue of Romney’s job creation woes, Boston Herald business reporter Bret Arends wrote:

During the four years Mitt Romney was governor of Massachusetts, it had the second worst jobs record of any state in America…it wasn’t a regional issue. The rest of New England created nearly 200,000 jobs.

The question no one ever seems to ask Governor Romney is how many jobs were destroyed in an effort to build his monstrous corporations. Now I am not attacking him for building giant successful businesses, as that is the nature of the beast – good or bad. I am just trying to point out how skewed these sorts of statistical claims are because if you created say 300,000 jobs but your new businesses eliminated the jobs of say 250,000 people whose businesses you closed down through competition, well then you’ve only really created 50,000 jobs. This is a simple ballpark example but it should show you how some statistical claims can be made when you only tell one side of the story. Hell, government has been using these sorts of statistical tactics for years when releasing inaccurate numbers to sway public opinion for a candidate, a bill or whatever else they have needed public approval on.

Another issue that shows how non-small government this ass clown is, is the TARP bailouts. Mittens hates when people bring the subject up and has gone as far as lying and completely denying that he ever supported it but there is tons and tons of evidence that says otherwise. In fact, Romney was incredibly passionate about poorly run banks getting a massive taxpayer funded bonus for sucking at business. On CNN, a few years back during the bailouts, Romney said:

I think there is a need for economic stimulus. Americans have lost about $11 trillion dollars in net worth. That translates into about $400 billion dollars a year less spending that they’ll be doing, and that’s net of additional government programs like Medicaid and unemployment insurance. And government can help make that up in a very difficult time. And that’s one of the reasons why I think a stimulus program is needed.

Sounds like small government to me! So why would he be so pro-big bank? Well, let’s look at his top campaign contributors from a recent list. His top contributor is Goldman Sachs who gave $354,700. Next up is Credit Suisse Group at $195,250 and Morgan Stanley at $185,800. Every other contributor in the six figures is also in the banking industry. You’ve got HIG Capital, Barclays, Kirkland & Ellis, Bank of America, PricewaterhouseCoopers, EMC Corp. & JPMorgan Chase. His top ten contributors are all fucking banks! Occupying Wall Street should start on Mitt’s front lawn! This shows a sharp contrast from Ron Paul whose top three campaign contributors are the Air Force, the Army and the Navy. Paul’s biggest contributor is also a lot less than six figures. So who really understands the plight of the average person? Romney is so far up on the Wall Street crony capitalist ladder than he can’t remember how to get down – not that he wants to.

People that call Barack Obama the Wall Street president haven’t seen anything yet. On campaign contributions from the big banks, Obama has made significantly less than Romney. Goldman Sachs gave Obama $49,124, Morgan Stanley coughed up $28,225, Bank of America gave $46,699, JPMorgan Chase came in at $38,038 and Citigroup was at $36,887. You do the math but it is obvious who the bailed out banking industry supports.

Another thing worth noting is that Romney has gotten more money from lobbyists than all other Republican candidates combined. I guess you need all that special interest money to work towards smaller government. Damn it! That Mitt Romney doublethink is taking over my brain!

The fact of the matter is, love it or hate it, Mitt Romney has a proven track record of being nothing less than one of the heads on the big government hydra. He is an economic nightmare but because people take him at his word and don’t look at his record, he can continue to dupe the masses into thinking that he’s on their side.

Mitt Romney will say anything to get elected.

Continued in Part II: Foreign Entanglements..

An article published in the Solar System Research magazine reported Several objects resembling living beings were detected on photos made by a Russian landing probe in 1982 during a Venus mission.

Leonid Ksanfomaliti of the Space Research Institute of Russia’s Academy of Sciences published research that analyzed the photos from the Venus mission made by a Soviet landing probe, Venus-13, in 1982.

The photos feature several objects, which Ksanfomaliti said, resembled “a disk,” “a black flap” and “a scorpion.” All of them “emerge, fluctuate and disappear,” the scientist said, referring to their changing location on different photos and traces on the ground.

“What if we forget about the current theories about the nonexistence of life on Venus, let’s boldly suggest that the objects’ morphological features would allow us to say that they are living,” Solar System Research quoted Ksanfomaliti as saying.

No data proving the existence of life on Venus, where the ground temperature is 464 degrees Celsius (867 degrees Fahrenheit), has ever been found.

Source: RIA Novosti.

A Wisconsin man charged with domestic abuse told cops that a “ghost” was actually responsible for injuries suffered by his wife, according to police.

The bizarre claim by Michael West, 41, did not prevent the Fond du Lac man’s arrest for strangulation, battery, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. West is pictured in the mug shot at right.

According to a January 18 criminal complaint, West and his spouse got into an argument Sunday that turned violent. The victim told cops that West twice strangled her, and that he punched her in the face when she tried to dial 911.

When cops arrived at the couple’s home, the crying woman was bleeding from the nose and had blood on her Packers jersey.

During police questioning, West claimed his wife sustained her injuries to her face and neck during several falls. When pressed by a cop–who pointed to marks on the woman’s neck–the intoxicated West shifted his story. “A ghost did it,” he said.

In light of the apparition claim, officers sought to place West in custody. After a struggle, he was handcuffed and transported to the county lockup, where he remains in custody in lieu of $1000 bail.

Source: The Smoking Gun.

*Written by Rob Rimes. This is an expanded commentary article based off of our original news post found here.

The joke is still on us.

Herman Cain has officially announced that he is suspending his campaign after stretching out and milking this announcement for several wasted hours of television. Trying to boost his ego and show off his massive campaign headquarters, Cain hid behind the curtain for hours and hours before making his highly publicized official announcement. In fact, over the course of three and a half hours, the on-scene Fox News reporter repeatedly said, “He’s coming on in just under ten minutes now.” Why is this point even important? Well, it just shows the type of character that Herman Cain is, he’s an egomaniacal thin-skinned narcissist that is constantly fishing for acceptance and love from just as hypocritical “constitutional” Tea Party supporters that continually put all their eggs in the worst baskets. I miss the original Tea Party that had similar ideas to Ron Paul. You know, back before they were co-opted by the Republican Party when the GOP princess Sarah Palin jumped on the grassroots bandwagon and warned us all of the ferocity of “mama grizzlies”.

Back to the big exit of Mr. Cain; early reports suggested that Cain’s wife Gloria was adamant that he needed to drop out, due to the strain the campaign and the sexual harassment allegations were having on their marriage and their family. In a show of union, his wife came out with him to make his announcement while that lame and hokey “I Am America” song blared through the speakers. The crowd immediately chanted “Gloria! Gloria! Gloria!” before Spermin’ Herman could even get out a word. I wonder if Herman was a bit upset when his wife came out and stole his thunder?

Stepping up to the mic like Big Daddy Kane in his prime, Big Grandaddy Cain proceeded to give his typical heartfelt emotionally charged speech full of God references. Cain also painted out how bad ass he feels that he is. Sipping on a big ass jar of Bad Motherfucker Juice, Cain wanted all of us to know that he is the illest M.C. in the game and that no suckas better jock his shit!

In the end, he wasted our time. To parade himself around on television all day and to not give us a real decision by flat out saying “I’m out, y’all!” just adds to the ridiculousness of this whole charade. You see, this is the essence of Herman Cain, a man that can’t make decisions that have any sort of finality. This campaign was all about Mr. Cain and once things got a little too out of hand, he was ready to step off and really, that’s great. Why? Because we don’t need a selfish prick out for his own self-interest occupying the Oval Office. Well, at least with the campaign suspended, he can focus more of his time on acquiring more bitches to bite him in the ass further down the road. He can also continue his book tour and lobby for a Fox News contract. Maybe by 2016 homeboy could run for president again, as long as he keeps his hoes in check and makes sure that they don’t come nipping at his ankles. Where I sit however, I hope he’s done. Just get a show following Huckabee on Saturday nights and collect the checks man! Mikey Huck has this game figured out. Trust me dude, follow Huck’s example.

Cain ended his soulless speech with more lyrics from a Pokemon song. No really, he quoted Pokemon again! And he even admitted that he was quoting Pokemon! Yep, the joke’s on us! The problem with this is, is that this campaign has been a huge fucking farce and when Cain is exposed by many in the media for giving us nothing more than kabuki theatre, he just relishes in it and feeds into it ever more! This was just another prime example of that and as advertising legend Don Draper once said, “Why should we waste time on kabuki?” Herman Cain basically told Rachel Maddow, Jon Stewart and everyone else that has called him out for being a mediocre actor playing a poor character in a bad college play to “STFU because the joke that is the Cain Train is still chugging along!” Unfortunately for Spermin’ Herman, the train has been derailed by several variables, not just those that are pointing Lee Press-On Nails at his twig and berries.

And that’s what really gets me. Cain supporters are pissed at these countless “unjust” accusations that a sea of morally vacant women are throwing at him. I actually wrote a 6,000 word article on how Cain is a horrible choice for president and it was published before any sexual allegations even came forward. However, Cain Brains turn away from their messiah’s real faults and try to blame his current misfortune on these numerous scandals because it is apparently easier to blame someone else than to accept the fact that your guy is an idiot who continually gets stumped on kindergarten level questions. Go read my article “How Could You Vote for Herman Cain” to see seven solid reasons, none of them scandalous, as to why this guy is a shitty candidate. But yeah, it’s the sexual allegations that were the harbinger of death to the Cain campaign.

As far as the scandals go, I could see calling one or two or maybe even three “a bunch of bullshit” but there are more than half a dozen now and I just don’t see that many women coming forward if there isn’t at least some truth behind some of these allegations. The whole theory that the liberals are out to destroy this man is just fucking stupid. Why would liberals want to get Cain out of the race when at one point, he had a real chance at winning this whole thing? Liberals want this guy to face Obama because they know that he wouldn’t be able to elevate himself to the big leagues. It doesn’t matter that Obama is a lying bastard who panders and spews bullshit. Obama is the best at it and whether he could deliver any real substance or not is a moot point because either way, he would’ve eaten Cain for breakfast. If that observation pisses you off, you may need to look at yourself and figure out why you put your blind faith into this unproven unelected businessman who is touted for his roaring success even though his pizza chain is only the 9th biggest in the country. I bet Fox News had you thinking that Godfather’s Pizza was on the same level as Papa John’s, Dominoes or Pizza Hut. Nope, not even close. Sorry, but I want the best leader for the best nation in the world, not the ninth best pizza CEO handing out 999 deals that no one wants.

After the man suspended his campaign, I slept well knowing that many of the Cain Brains cried themselves to sleep that night. At least those that wasted their whole day at that event got free barbecue. Shit, that’s more than what I got wasting my time in front of the television waiting to hear the fantastic news that Herman Cain was a quitter that disappointed his supporters. However, were they disappointed because they invested in a guy who took their money and walked away? Nope, they were disappointed that their hero wasn’t going to get to scream “nine! nine! nine!” at Obama repeatedly during crucial debates. Cain was a splinter in the eye of the GOP but too many people couldn’t see it because that splinter was already lodged into their retinas. Well, at least all of those who sent this man money can relish in the fact that they just paid for his overly elaborate book tour. In reality, I feel that this was just some publicity stunt to sell books to his gullible Cain Brains that just wanted something real to believe in.

What pisses me off the most, is that I met this guy, I talked to him and he seemed like a stand up dude. Of course, this is before he announced his candidacy and before I even looked into his track record and studied up on him. Once looking at the facts, my feelings for the guy changed and it amazes me that I was only one of a slight few that did. In fact, as this guy’s campaign went on and no matter how many times he fucked up, people kept jumping on the Cain Train. What boggles my mind even more than all of this is the large amount of people who have been forced off of this Cain Train and are now backing Ron Paul. Really? Because these two men are complete opposites ideologically. Hell, I’ve actually seen comments from people all over the Internet that are calling for a Paul/Cain ticket in 2012! Are you kidding me? This just goes to show how disconnected the typical Cain Brain is from knowing anything about policy other than what they hear casually from Rush Limbaugh or their Tea Party friends who are now more concerned with social standing in their political coffee group over actual substance.

I hope that this is the last Herman Cain article that I ever have to write. I hope that he fades away into nothingness and lives out his life in peace and quiet trying to convince his wife that those dozen women he may have slept with are just crazy vampire bitches out to drink his blood. At the end of the day, Cain’s got 999 problems, and each one’s a bitch. Gloria Cain probably deserves better.

Unfortunately, Cain will be around forever. Even if he doesn’t get an exclusive Fox News contract, he will make appearances on all their shows giving his two cents; hopefully he isn’t asked anything about foreign policy. The truth is, we are stuck with this guy now. He’s loved by many and he provides good sound bites. This may actually be his calling, as running for the highest office in the world just wasn’t his cup of tea. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate the guy; I just need a break. Shit, I think we all do.

The best part about all of this, is that we never have to see cigarette-smoking Mark Block staring all hard at us through the television right before Cain gives us that slow and creepy “I just fucked you in the ass” smirk. Yeah, he really did fuck us all in the ass; that million dollar smirk is all the evidence I need. At least these two loons gave us one of the worst campaign ads in history.

As Reason Magazine stated just after Cain’s announcement: “It’s over for the Cain Train, which was wrecked by its candidate’s ultimate lack of seriousness.”

Written by Rob Rimes. Extended version here.

The joke is still on us.

Herman Cain has officially announced that he is suspending his campaign after stretching out and milking this announcement for several wasted hours of television. Trying to boost his ego and show off his massive campaign headquarters, Cain hid behind the curtain for hours and hours before making this official announcement. In fact, over the course of three and a half hours, the on-scene Fox News reporter repeatedly said, “He’s coming on in just under ten minutes now.” Why is this point even important? Well, it just shows the type of character that Herman Cain is, he’s an egomaniacal thin-skinned narcissist that is constantly fishing for acceptance and love from just as hypocritical “constitutional” Tea Party supporters.

Early reports suggest that Cain’s wife Gloria was adamant that he needed to drop out, due to the strain the campaign and the sexual harassment allegations were having on their marriage and their family. In a show of union, his wife came out with him to make his announcement while that cheesy “I Am America” song blared through the speakers. The crowd immediately chanted “Gloria! Gloria! Gloria!” before Spermin’ Herman could even get out a word.

Cain proceeded to give his typical heartfelt emotionally charged speech full of God references that painted out how bad ass he feels that he is. In the end, he wasted our time. To parade himself around on television all day and to not give us a real decision by flat out saying “I’m out, y’all!” just adds to the ridiculousness of this whole charade. You see, this goes to show the essence of who Herman Cain is, a man that can’t make decisions that have any sort of finality. This campaign has all about Mr. Cain and once things got a little too out of hand, he was ready to step off and really, that’s great. Why? Because we don’t need a selfish prick out for his own self-interest occupying the Oval Office. Well, at least with the campaign suspended, he can focus more of his time on acquiring more bitches to bite him in the ass further down the road. He can also continue his book tour and lobby for a Fox News contract.

Cain ends his speech with more lyrics from a Pokemon song. No really, he quoted Pokemon again! And he even admitted that he was quoting Pokemon! Yep, the jokes on us. I’ll sleep well knowing that many of the Cain Brains will be crying themselves to sleep tonight. Well, at least those at the event got free BBQ today.

At the end of the day, Cain’s got 999 problems, and each one’s a bitch.

As Reason Magazine just stated: “It’s over for the Cain train, which was wrecked by its candidate’s ultimate lack of seriousness.”

In a newly released audio message, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri claims that his organization is holding hostage Warren Weinstein, a 70-year-old American who went missing in August in Pakistan.

Zawahiri’s statement is the first official claim of responsibility by any group in relation to the kidnapping, and a U.S. official said the statement buttressed earlier “indications” that al Qaeda might be holding the American.

“I tell the captive soldiers of Al Qaeda and the Taliban and our female prisoners held in the prisons of the crusaders and their collaborators, we have not forgotten you and in order to free you we have taken hostage the Jewish American Warren Weinstein,” says Zawahiri in the 30-minute statement, which appeared on jihadi websites Thursday and otherwise focuses mainly on the situation in his native Egypt.

The leader of Al Qaeda addresses Weinstein’s family, telling them that “your government tortures our prisoners, but we have not tortured your prisoner.” He also warns them not to trust President Obama’s assurances that everything is being done to secure Weinstein’s release, accusing the president of wishing “[Weinstein] would be killed to get rid of his problem.”

A U.S. official told ABC News that although there has been no “proof of life” offered by al Qaeda or its allies that proves they have Weinstein, there were already “indications” he may be held by al Qaeda.

CONTINUED at ABC News. Video at link.

His campaign rocked anew, a feistyHerman Cain claimed a “groundswell of positive support” from backers on Wednesday and accused critics of trying to derail hisWhite House bid as he worked to stem the fallout from allegations of a 13-year extramarital affair.

“They’re attacking my character, my reputation and my name in order to try to bring me down,” a feisty Cain told a friendly crowd without naming his critics. “But, you see, I don’t believe that America is going to let that happen.”

Questions about the campaign’s viability hovered over Cain’s one-day bus tour through Ohio.

CONTINUED on Yahoo News.

*Taken from Des Moines Register.

Reporters flocked to Herman Cain’s Iowa headquarters in Urbandale Tuesday night after Michele Bachmann’s state chairman tweeted that moving trucks were sitting outside the offices of a candidate who said he’s “reassessing” his campaign.

The catch: They weren’t moving trucks, but delivery trucks full of campaign signs.

The Bachmann aide, Iowa Sen. Kent Sorenson tweeted: “Moving trucks at Herman Cains office in Bachmann’s Iowa office is in the same office complex as Cain’s.

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