*Written by Rob Rimes.

I was late watching this debate, as I had to check the replay. Unfortunately, I wasn’t home and I was unable to take serious notes on it. I was at my boss’ house due to it being the annual national sales meeting for my real job and between the alcohol and festivities, this thing was hard to watch in any serious sort of manner. I regret not being able to give it my full attention but the whiskey and wine were flowing, the girls were distracting to say the least and the copious amounts of food transplanted from several of the world’s most exotic regions somehow took precedence over watching the most recent episode of ‘Three Tyrants and a Wizard’. I do apologize as I have been trying to chronicle every damn one of these things but there are just so many, seven this month alone, and turning down a chance to literally spend the night at a party thrown at the mansion of the Indian version of Caligula is incredibly hard to pass up. Bourbon soaked tits are better to stare at than three dudes arguing over their dicks and the fourth shaking his head because America’s fallen so far that we’re literally having a debate about three dicks.

Now I did go back and read the transcripts from the debate and I did watch Ron Paul’s highlights – the only important parts, as the other three’s highlights would’ve put me to sleep in my hungover stupor. If it wasn’t for my boss’ brother handing me a Bloody Mary when I walked through the office door this morning, I’d probably be curled up in a ball under my desk hiding from the flickering power-draining headache-inducing fluorescent lights over my head. Needless to say, I am not a Bloody Mary fan by any stretch of the word, as it just conjures up the thought of drinking vodka with some ketchup spilled in it, but that fucking cocktail hit the spot today and I’m about 70 percent recovered from guest-starring in the Bollywood version of ‘Eyes Wide Shut’.

I know I’m rambling about my drunken escapades and that might disinterest you, as you came to this article to experience my certain style of critique on these things, so for that I’m sorry. I will do my best to give you the rundown of the debate, as I saw it between nude champagne showers and Chilean sea bass dodgeball.

So I’m just going to go down the line and analyze the candidates one-by-one starting with Rick Santorum. He started by talking about illegal immigration, border fences and telling the story about his immigrant family for the umpteenth time. He got into it with Ron Paul on foreign policy and failed miserably as he tried to cover up the fact that he’s a goddamned idiot on the affairs of Central and South America. I’ll write more on this when I get to Ron Paul, who owned Santorum like a twenty dollar prostitute. Santorum goes on to bitch about Fannie and Freddie and in turn blasts Newt and Mitt for playing personal politics and distracting everyone from discussing the real issues. On the subject of space, Santorum said that America is a frontier country and space is the next frontier to conquer. He calls for the private sector to be more involved with NASA but doesn’t fully support government being out of it. On health care he goes on and on about how awesome he is for trying to create health savings accounts. If you were so awesome, you would’ve got it done pal! He then gets into a health care argument with Romney that is neither interesting or worth writing about but what the hell, I’ll give you the nutshell version. Basically it went something like this:

Rick Santorum: “Fuck Romneycare”
Mitt Romney: “But it was only at the state level Ricky Baby!”
Rick Santorum: “I don’t care Mitt! You’re a bitch and you gave Obama the blueprints to evil!”
Mitt Romney: “Ricky Baby, you’re so silly!”
Rick Santorum: “Jesus Bible! No health care for the gays!”

Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich spent most of their time arguing about who was a bigger bastard while both looked like big bastards. Mittens talked about “self-deportation” again. If these guys believe in such a thing as an effective way of handling a situation, can we get them to believe in “self-governance”? If they trust those illegal immigrants to leave on their own accord after sneaking in here in an effort just to come back in a way that is much more difficult, they’ve got to believe that we’re all capable of managing every other aspect of our lives? I mean, they are putting blind faith into something so farfetched that they’ve got to be down with just saying “fuck it” and letting us run our own shit, right?

On the immigration subject, Newt says that Romney is the most anti-immigrant candidate out of the four. Romney gets all pissy and pulls his two Latino cards. The first he pulls is Marco Rubio, the Cuban American senator that came to his defense on immigration. The second card Mitt pulled was Mexico, as his father was born there. I was born in a hospital bro, that doesn’t make me a doctor!

Romney and Gingrich argue about immigration for awhile and then they argue about Fannie and Freddie and who is the biggest crook. Newt, once he gets away from the lame feud for a minute, goes on some tangent about making a moon base. Newt later said that Jacksonville was going to get big pimpin’ because the Panama Canal was widening and would bring them more boat traffic. Shortly after that we were treated to a Santorum-Gingrich-Romney three-way which was like stumbling upon a middle-aged homosexual version of Cinemax at three in the morning. It was a bitch and rant fuck fest that no one in their right mind needed to see, unless of course you’re into middle-aged gay men. If you are, I mean absolutely no disrespect. Do ya thang homegirl!

Fuck all these queens, let’s get to Ron Paul, the only adult in the room. On immigration, he says that if we had a working healthy economy we wouldn’t be so worried about the immigration issue as we’d be looking for workers to fill jobs. He adds that the way we are handling our borders is actually harming our economy. He points out that we don’t have the right amount of resources on the border and that we should pay more attention to our border instead of the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan.

On the Latin America issue, Ron Paul says, “Free trade is the answer.” He throws in the fact that we’d be a lot better off if we practiced free trade with Cuba. He adds that he doesn’t like the idea that America thinks that they can go down to Central and South America and try to dictate which kind of leaders they need down there, as it is none of our business. He says that the best way to influence other nations isn’t by telling them what to do, it is by practicing friendship and free trade. Paul then references Santorum who said that we have to stand up for these nations. Paul explains that standing up for nations often times comes with us imposing ourselves on the people of these countries while picking their dictators, undermining their government and sending them a lot of money. He warns that this sort of tactic always backfires and the people we are “supporting” end up hating us. Ron Paul calls Rick Santorum’s ideas on foreign policy the “bully way”. Paul adds that he knows a better to way to work with people other than using force. Santorum shakes his head, mumbles some stupid crap and then changes his tampon while wiping his bitch tears. Checkmate Paul!

Ron Paul is asked if Mitt and Newt should return the money they’ve made off of Fannie and Freddie and he responds to thunderous applause when he says, “That subject doesn’t interest me a lot.” Paul says that Fannie and Freddie should have been auctioned off right after the crash came. He said that if it was sold, the problem would’ve been “cleansed” by now. Ron Paul says that he’s been trying to prevent this stuff which is why we need to end the Federal Reserve.

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asks says that Ron Paul, if elected, would be the oldest president ever. He asks Paul if he would make his medical records public to show the people that he is healthy. Blitzer basically wants to paint Ron Paul as a geezer who could croak tomorrow and I find the question to be repugnant, just as I found it distasteful when the same issue was brought up with Ronald Reagan years ago. Paul said that he’ll prove how healthy he is by delivering an open challenge to all the other candidates to face him in a 25 mile bike ride in the heat of Texas. Ron Paul face-palmed the shit out of Wolf Blitzer and the other candidates with that answer. He also took a shot at Wolf himself when he jokingly pointed out that there are laws against age discrimination and that Blitzer should be careful. Wolf, after getting bitchslapped, tries to cover up the stupid question by asking the other candidates if they’d release theirs. What a tool.

On space spending, Ron Paul says that he would only approve funding on stuff that fits under defense. He says that going to the Moon and Mars is fantastic but that it could be done better by the private sector if their hands weren’t tied. Ron Paul then takes a shot at Newt, saying that he has stretched the truth with all his “balanced budget” claims from the days when he was Speaker of the House. Ron Paul is taking solid shots backed by facts and there is nothing that can be done about it when he brings these guys a dose of the truth. Strangely, Newt Gingrich was very polite and gracious to Ron Paul all night and gave him props for his ideas in several areas.

In the end, the debate was lightyears better than the NBC debate a few days prior. CNN does the best job, in my opinion, and I’ve watched every single one of these debates. Kudos to Wolf for rocking the house, even with a few prickish questions. Ron Paul owned the motherfucker, Santorum did decent if you are into his religio-fascist bullshit while Newt and Mitt looked like a few bickering Tinas arguing over the last pack of Lee Press-On Nails at K-Mart.

And that’s all I got because I immediately returned to my whiskey-scented orgy on the south lawn.

Grading Scale:
Grade A+: Ron Paul
Grade C-: Rick Santorum
Grade D+: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Mitt Romney

*Best debate moment in recent memory:

*Written by Rob Rimes.

William Henry Harrison is a president that most people don’t even know about because he was only the POTUS for 32 days. He was the 9th president, wedged between Martin Van Buren and John Tyler, his vice pres. He was the oldest president ever until Ronald Reagan came along and stole his thunder. However, as popular and fondly remembered as that “actor” president was, he could never hold a candle to the awesomeness and manliness of William Henry Harrison a.k.a. Double-U Double-H a.k.a. Double Double a.k.a. Dub-Dub a.k.a. Dubz.

Dubz was born on February 9th, 1773 in Charles City County, Virginia to Benjamin Harrison V and Elizabeth Bassett. He had six siblings but he was the youngest. Dubz was the last president to be born as a British subject. His family was heavily involved in politics. His father was a delegate to the Continental Congress that signed the Declaration of Independence which led to freeing our asses. His father was also the governor of Virginia during the Revolutionary War. His older brother, Carter Bassett Harrison not only has the coolest fucking name ever but also held it down serving as a congressman for Virginia in the United States House of Representatives. All of this set the stage for what would be an amazing life. Dubz had massive shoes to fill but he knew that he would surpass the greatness of his family members and one day hold the highest fucking office in the free world!

At 14, Dubz attended Presbyterian Hampden-Sydney College. Over three years he mastered French and Latin however due to his father’s religious preferences, he was pulled out of that school and sent to an academy in Southampton County. While at the school he joined up with an antislavery movement spearheaded by Quakers and Methodists; this angered his proslavery father.

His pissy daddy pulled him out of that school and put him under the care of Robert Morris, a Pennsylvania senator. During this time, Dubz attended the University of Pennsylvania, where he studied medicine under Dr. Benjamin Rush, a Founding Father who not only helped the founding of America but also founded Dickinson College. Not to long after this, Dubz’s dad died and he was stuck with no one to fund his education. He was left in the guardianship of Robert Morris.

Not particularly enjoying the study of medicine, 18 year-old Dubz joined the Army after some persuasion by his father’s friend Henry Lee, the governor of Virginia at the time. Dubz was immediately sent to Cincinnati where the Northwest Indian War was taking place.

When he arrived, he was put under the command of General “Mad Anthony” Wayne a.k.a. Mad Ant. Dubz quickly took to Mad Ant and followed him into the pits of Hell battling against the violent tribes. Mad Ant had come in as a replacement for General Arthur St. Claire who led a disastrous defeat against the savages. Mad Ant, swearing to defeat the Indians and claim Ohio, took a liking to Dubz and promoted him to lieutenant. Dubz stayed close to Mad Ant and watched him lead the Army against their crafty and deadly enemy. It was under Mad Ant that Dubz learned how to lead men into battle successfully. Dubz mastered the art of leadership with his own men and had the respect of his enemy as well.

During this time, there was a major battle that changed Dubz’s life. Somehow the tribes had called upon a great ancient power. This power mystically created exploding pillars of fire on the battle field. Being struck by one of these pillars, Dubz didn’t not immediately die like the rest of his men. In fact, the pillar energized him. His entire body was engulfed in flames but he felt no pain. Instinctually, he started blasting fire from his hands, which caused his targets to explode into ash! The Indians surrounding Dubz dropped their weapons and ran like little bitches, only one Indian remained on the battlefield. Dubz, not feeling threatened by the sole Indian, approached him.

The Indian, dressed like a wise old healer, introduced himself as Old Chuck. He put down his staff and extended a hand towards Dubz, which Dubz shook albeit cautiously. Old Chuck told Dubz that he was the reincarnation of the Pueblo sun god, Bitsis Lizin. He said that he was destined for greatness and that the pillars of fire transformed him into what he was destined to be: a great leader of all men. He also told him that his power would be seen by all native peoples of America but their reactions could range from acceptance and worship to hostility and denial. He warned that many tribes would see a white man posing as the sun god and that they would see it as blasphemy and the work of white demons.

Shortly after this, the tribes fell to the U.S. Army at the Battle of Fallen Timbers in 1794. Following the war, Dubz became a signatory of the Treaty of Greenville. That treaty won and opened up the majority of Ohio to be settled by the rapidly growing American population. During this time his mother died and he inherited his family’s estate which sat on thousands of acres. Due to his busy schedule and new job as a sun deity, Dubz sold the estate to one of his brothers. Following the Northwest Indian War and his mother’s death, Dubz met and married Anna Symmes, the daughter of a prominent judge. Together they would go on to have 10 children.

After resigning from the Army in 1797, Dubz decided to run for public office. In 1799 he was elected to the United States House of Representatives after being inspired to fight against the rising cost of land across the frontier. Having been a real solid leader at war and having founded a successful horse-breeding enterprise, Dubz was able to throw down in Congress with the best of them. As a congressman, Dubz created the Harrison Land Act, which made it easier for new settlers to buy land in the Northwest Territory.

Due to his awesomeness as a congressman, President John Adams appointed Dubz as Governor of the Indiana Territory, without even telling him about it. At that time the Indiana Territory included the future states of Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin and the eastern half of Minnesota. Dubz accepted the position after he had assurance from the Jeffersonians that they wouldn’t step on his toes or replace him if they beat Adams in the presidential election of 1800. Trusting the Jeffersonians would come to bite Dubz in the ass.

Dubz moved to Vincennes, which was the capital of the territory and built a large plantation style home that he named Grouseland for the many birds that inhabited the area. Grouseland was the political center of the territory but had many secrets. Many underground chambers and areas were built where Dubz could take quiet refuge and study all the information he was trying to collect on the subject of Native American folklore. Dubz spent a lot of time underneath Grouseland trying to truly understand what he was.

Dubz used his influence as the reincarnation of Bitsis Lizin to expand the territory as the success of it played a big role in the success of his personal finances. Dubz also wanted to provide more land to all the settlers who were expanding west from the original colonies. In short time, he was able to obtain a lot of Native American land. His negotiating skills with the Indians prompted President Thomas Jefferson to grant Dubz the power to negotiate and work out treaties with the Native Americans. Through this new power, Dubz acquired 60,00,000 acres of Indian land and developed thirteen new treaties!

Switching from his antislavery stance earlier in life, Dubz became proslavery when he realized that a territory that permitted slavery would be more appealing to new settlers and thus, fatten his wallet. Dubz ran into problems when the Abolitionist Party came into power and combated him on the issue. Thomas Jefferson then stepped in, with help from antislavery advocate James Lemen, and defeated Dubz’s attempt to bring slavery to the territory. Ultimately, the Jeffersonian contingent brought about the demise of Dubz’s tenure as governor.

Shortly after this, a resistance movement against expansion started growing on the frontier. Many Indians were pissed at the white man’s tendency to multiply and build stuff that wasn’t made out of sticks, twine and pelts. This movement was led by Shawnee brothers Tecumseh and Tenskwatawa. The latter was known as “The Prophet” and he predicted that if the native tribes attacked the white settlers that they would be protected by the Great Spirit. Not fearing Dubz and his power as the sun god Bitsis Lizin, the Prophet and his brother Tecumseh decided that the coalition of indian nations must move swiftly. This started the conflict that is known as Tecumseh’s War.

The Prophet told his people to abandoned the ways of the white man that they had learned over the years. The Indians gave up their guns, their whiskey and settler-styled clothing. Tecumseh then led an army of 400 Indians to Grouseland where they confronted Dubz. Tecumseh declared that the Fort Wayne Treaty was illegitimate and that the tribes would not honor it. Dubz rejected Tecumseh’s claim: infuriating the Indian leader. Tecumseh called for war and his warriors drew their weapons. Dubz’s men pulled their pistols and the Indians backed down claiming that they would get help from the British.

In 1811, Dubz was authorized by Secretary of War William Eustis to march against Tecumseh as a show of force. Dubz and 1,000 men marched into Shawnee territory to confront Tecumseh and persuade him to make peace. Dubz’s army was attacked by surprise however.

Dubz became incredibly angry as the ambush made him look foolish in front of his men. His body immediately became engulfed in flames and he incinerated the countryside and every hostile with it. The Indians were no match for the second coming of Bitsis Lizin and the 1,000 man army! Tecumseh was defeated but he would live on to confront Dubz one more time.

During the War of 1812, President James Madison gave Dubz control of the Army in the Old Northwest, as the Indians were still a major threat even with the main enemy of the war being the British. Where Andrew Jackson was the bad ass fighting in New Orleans and the southern portion of America, Dubz was the bad ass fighting in the northern parts.

Dubz was beaten back by the British and their Indian allies as he was greatly outnumbered and his Army was made of mostly fresh recruits. It wasn’t until 1813, when reinforcements arrived that Dubz was able to take it to the Brits and Indians hard. Dubz wiped the British out on a path of destruction throughout the territory! He reclaimed Indiana and Ohio and also reclaimed the City of Detroit after incinerating the British and the Native Americans at their tiniest molecular level.

Marching into Canada, Dubz was once again faced with having to battle the vengeful Tecumseh and his army of natives and British. This battle was dubbed the Battle of Thames and it was a decisive victory for America during the War of 1812. In fact, it destroyed the coalition of tribal forces, crushed the British and was the last day that Tecumseh walked the Earth. According to history, the battle waged on and was hard fought but realistically, Dubz channeled the sun god powers that churned in his core and torched the opposition. Tecumseh, defiant till the end, never stood a chance against the solar powered tribal deity.

After the Battle of Thames, Dubz resigned after a bitter falling out with Secretary of War John Armstrong. Congress investigated the incidents around Dubz’s resignation and came to the realization that he was severely mistreated by Armstrong. They gave Dubz a gold medal for his service and declared him a hero as the Battle of Thames was the biggest victory of the war, following Andrew Jackson’s medieval smackdown known as the Battle of New Orleans.

After his military service, Dubz ran for president a few times and finally won in the Election of 1840. He was sworn in on March 4th, 1841 and didn’t have time to really do a damn thing, apart from giving the longest inaugural address in American history, as he died on April 4th, 1841: only serving a month in office!

Dubz died of a cold which was ironic as he was the sun god. Many believe that it was caused by a curse surrounding the angry ghost of Tecumseh. That is just a theory however as it was never able to be proven. Maybe the fire just burnt out, who knows? What is known however is that even though Dubz couldn’t truly bring his warrior spirit to the highest office in the land, he did live a life full of swashbuckling bad assery! William Henry Harrison was literally a god amongst men that crushed every challenge that he ever faced. Well, except for the common cold.