*Written by Rob Rimes.

We have finally reached the final primary debate of the 2012 election cycle. There were three more scheduled but one was cancelled by MSNBC – who were hosting it, another was cancelled after three of the four candidates pulled out and the third one is highly questionable due to the fact that a dozen states or more will cast their votes before its date. The only way that that debate will still happen is if the race is still close between two candidates and they have the balls to go head-to-head. Considering that Romney will undoubtedly be one of those two men, consider at least one half of that equation to be nutless. No matter what happens after this, this is the final debate before Super Tuesday, which is the most important day in this primary race.

This debate was hosted by CNN, who does the best job in my honest opinion. The moderator for this round was John King, who I have given shit in the past. I wish CNN would hand the reigns over to Wolf Blitzer and just let these debates be his deal but I guess they feel the burning desire to keep pushing John King on us again and again. Why can’t they let Erin Burnett host one of these things? She’s pleasant to listen to, incredibly easy on the eyes and it would save us all from having to stare at a bunch of dickheads (Ron Paul excluded).

So here we are in Mesa, Arizona where everyone apparently loves Mitt Romney and hates Rick Santorum, as Ol’ Mittens got a huge ovation and Ricky Baby got dead silence, which in most cases is worse than boos. It’s funny how that went down, as CNN’s pre-game show spent a lot of time trying to convince their viewers that Santorum is a real contender for the presidency of the United States not just the presidency of the Southeastern Allegheny County Catholic Racquetball League. Whatever, the fact that homeboy is center stage is maddening enough, as it just proves the insanity of America, since enough of us have voted for this fiscally irresponsible fascist bastard regardless of the fact that he is a well-documented hypocrite and an incessantly whiney dork dick.

Now I’m going to just cover a few of the highlights of the debate, as this just played out like a rerun of a show that you’ve already seen nineteen times. There wasn’t much in the way of new material provided by the candidates. This was basically just a refresher in all the issues they have already talked to death over the last year. To be completely honest, I just couldn’t sit through this thing without being bored shitless at parts. Even my 750 ml bottle of 10 Cane rum wasn’t enough to keep me focused on the job at hand, that being the need to take extensive notes in order to write this very critique you are reading now. I apologize for my lack of interest but I also don’t want to bore you with the same superfluous details I’ve already covered multiple times.

So the first 8 minutes of this broadcast gives us no questions to the candidates. Instead, CNN decides to do the national anthem, which is a time waster. If that came off as offensive, get over it! They haven’t done the national anthem or the Pledge of Allegiance at most of these things, so why start now? Why not do it off camera before the debate, so we can just get down to quality time with the candidates at 8:01 instead of 8:09?

In addition, they wasted time going through the typical introduction spiel. If you don’t know who these guys are by now, you should probably just stay away from the voting booths. Ron Paul owned the intro section though by calling himself “The Defender of the Constitution!” and “The Champion of Liberty!” If anyone else said this, it would be a dick move but Paul ain’t lying, he knows that he is the only real candidate on that stage and everyone else is faking the funk. Santorum’s intro was dumb as hell as he just said some bullshit about our troubles being the Middle East. Romney said some garbage about restoring America, which is Ron Paul’s catchphrase by the way. Gingrich basically said, “Fuck the Saudis let’s make our own gas!” At least they all get to sit down during this debate; their legs must be tired after about two dozen of these two-bit shit shows.

So here we go, time’s been wasted but we finally get a question. Some old dude from the audience asks the candidates, “What are you going to do to bring down the debt?” CNN, already spending the hour before the show building up Ricky Baby, goes straight to him to kick things off. Santorum says that he has a plan to cut spending, taxes and all that other jazz. He gets the sheep to cheer regardless if his claims are true or not. He says that he will shrink the budget and then brags about how he has always fought spending. Okay, that is complete bullshit, as has been proven time and time again, not just by the writings of myself but through countless reports and studies done by watchdog groups and Mr. Santorum’s opponents throughout this long race. He calls for a time limit on all forms of welfare and then goes on to praise the Paul Ryan Plan. Man, Mr. Ryan gets just as much airplay these debates as the candidates themselves and Ronald Reagan.

Mitt Romney is asked if he sticks by his claims that Santorum is not a conservative. Mittens talks about Ricky Baby’s love for bacon a.k.a. pork. He also mentions that Santorum voted to raise the debt limit a whopping five times! Romney claims, that as a business man, he has lived a life full of balanced budgets. He goes on to explain that he will divide up all government programs and look at them line by line to determine if the benefit is worth the cost. He promises to send most of the programs back to the states and declares that government workers shouldn’t be making more than the taxpayers who pay them. Of course, starting by asking Mitt about his negative comments regarding Santorum was just to start a heated exchange between the two, which just allows them to monopolize the time per usual.

In fact, Santorum gets an obligatory response but makes himself look like a total moron with thin bitch skin. He whines about Mitt saying that the Massachusetts governor admitted that he too would have voted to raise the debt ceiling. He also says that he never raised taxes but Romney did in Massachusetts. He admits to voting for No Child Left Behind but said that he regrets the decision. Of course he does, now that he has been continually put on blast for it! Racquetball Rick then takes a cheap shot at Romney and says that he has adopted Occupy Wall Street rhetoric because he talked about raising taxes on the top one percent.

Mitt of course gets his obligatory response, as Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich sit off to the side battling each other in Words With Friends until John King acknowledges them. Romney more or less accuses Rick Santourm of being full of shit, as if that’s any sort of surprise. Romney reminds the people that Santorum was a pivotal part of a Congress that grew government exponentially. While this is seemingly valid, pretty much every Congress since the Woodrow Wilson era has grown government exponentially. As Mitt bashes Rick, the cheers get louder and louder. This was certainly a pro-Romney crowd; the Arizonans in attendance were like famine-afflicted great whites chomping at the piss-soaked boxer-briefs of Mr. Santorum.

Gingrich gets in the discussion and uses his time to boast about how, as Speaker of the House, he led the charge in bringing four consecutive balanced budgets to the table. He then makes a big deal about how this debate is on Washington’s birthday. I guess Washington is the new Reagan in Newtworld. He goes on a tangent about opening up federal land and offshore areas to bring forth more energy options. He then states that his policies will save America $500 billion per year. Sorry bro, Dr. Paul is going to cut a trillion dollars in year one and Gary Johnson is going to top that with $1.4 trillion! Newt needs to up the ante if he is going to live up to his honey badger persona.

John King finally gets to Ron Paul but just asks hom a question about Santorum. What the hell man, CNN really wants to give a lot of airplay to the GOP’s resident Catholic. Don’t get it twisted though, it’s not because they like him, it’s because they know he’s an embarrassment and has no chance at beating Obama, so they want to push him and get him over enough just to ensure that their liberal buddy gets re-elected. Anyway, King asks Paul about his attacks on Santorum, as one of his ads called him “a fake”. When asked why he ran the ads, Paul simply says that Santorum “..is a fake.” The crowd goes nuts, as Paul lands a killing stroke on the religio-fascist bag of weasel testicles. Santorum just sits there nervously with his dork dick smile and tries to cut in on Paul but is cut off by boos. Paul says that Santorum is a classic example of someone who does things in office that contradicts the rhetoric they used while campaigning. He calls Rick’s record “bad” and adds that when someone claims that they are going to be fiscally conservative when they never have been in the past, shows that they don’t have any credibility. The crowd explodes for Ron Paul.

Santorum responds by saying that there was some “study” done that compared him to other senators and that it ranked him as the most fiscally conservative. He even refers to himself as a “hero” that took on “tough issues”. He claims that he was a “leader” that took on “Social Security”. He then says that some other “study” ranked Ron Paul 145th as a “real conservative”. Is it just me or do these studies sound like complete bullshit? Did one of Ricky Baby’s kids do these studies for their 3rd grade political science project?

Waiting for the crowd to stop booing, Ron Paul responds to Santorum by saying that comparing yourself to other members of Congress is a cop out; Paul gets cheers. Ron Paul blasts Rick’s “studies” by reminding everyone in the room that he always votes for the least amount of spending and taxes. He then adds that conservatives have gotten to this point where they are quite pleased with wasting money over seas and that if they were actually real conservatives, they wouldn’t vote for things that perpetuate that madness.

Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum get into another bitch spat and this time it is over earmarks. Eventually, after a bunch of wasted time, Santorum diverts the attention to Ron Paul and essentially accuses him of being the king of earmarks. Paul explains,as he has in the past, that if his constituents are going to be robbed through taxation, he is going to fight to get their money back anyway that he can. He says that we need to vote against spending and we need to fix the corrupt earmark and taxation systems. In fact, in his own words, Dr. Paul says, “Getting rid of earmarks simply gives the executive branch 100 percent control over the funds. What we need to do is vote against the spending bills.”

The debate carries over to the subject of bailouts then contraception and then illegal immigration. None of it is all that interesting and most of it has been discussed to death. The only other real notable thing to come out of this debate is this quote from Rick Santorum, who was defending himself from attacks by Romney and Paul on his atrocious voting record:

While yes, I voted for a large appropriations bill that contained items I didnt like, I counteracted it by adding another program that I did like to it.

Holy Jesus on a Frisbee! This guy doesn’t just put his foot in his mouth, he eats his whole goddamned shoe and probably most of his foot! The best part about this whole debate is that Rick Santorum looked like absolute crap! He came in with all this fanfare and high hopes with the media on his side but in the end, he couldn’t bring it in primetime. This was the most watched debate on cable this year and my personal favorite punching bag of the GOP field got hit hard from both sides but ultimately proved to be his own worst enemy. Santorum burned under the bright lights and magnifying glasses like an ant on the sidewalk in the hot Mesa sun. If this debate wasn’t the nail in the Santorum coffin, then Americans really are as stupid as the rest of the world thinks we are.

Grading Scale:
Grade B+: Ron Paul
Grade C-: Mitt Romney
Grade D+: Newt Gingrich
Grade F-: Rick Santorum

And here’s a video of that soft thin skinned bitch Santorum shaking Paul’s hand like a f’n douchebag:

*Written by Rob Rimes.

I was late watching this debate, as I had to check the replay. Unfortunately, I wasn’t home and I was unable to take serious notes on it. I was at my boss’ house due to it being the annual national sales meeting for my real job and between the alcohol and festivities, this thing was hard to watch in any serious sort of manner. I regret not being able to give it my full attention but the whiskey and wine were flowing, the girls were distracting to say the least and the copious amounts of food transplanted from several of the world’s most exotic regions somehow took precedence over watching the most recent episode of ‘Three Tyrants and a Wizard’. I do apologize as I have been trying to chronicle every damn one of these things but there are just so many, seven this month alone, and turning down a chance to literally spend the night at a party thrown at the mansion of the Indian version of Caligula is incredibly hard to pass up. Bourbon soaked tits are better to stare at than three dudes arguing over their dicks and the fourth shaking his head because America’s fallen so far that we’re literally having a debate about three dicks.

Now I did go back and read the transcripts from the debate and I did watch Ron Paul’s highlights – the only important parts, as the other three’s highlights would’ve put me to sleep in my hungover stupor. If it wasn’t for my boss’ brother handing me a Bloody Mary when I walked through the office door this morning, I’d probably be curled up in a ball under my desk hiding from the flickering power-draining headache-inducing fluorescent lights over my head. Needless to say, I am not a Bloody Mary fan by any stretch of the word, as it just conjures up the thought of drinking vodka with some ketchup spilled in it, but that fucking cocktail hit the spot today and I’m about 70 percent recovered from guest-starring in the Bollywood version of ‘Eyes Wide Shut’.

I know I’m rambling about my drunken escapades and that might disinterest you, as you came to this article to experience my certain style of critique on these things, so for that I’m sorry. I will do my best to give you the rundown of the debate, as I saw it between nude champagne showers and Chilean sea bass dodgeball.

So I’m just going to go down the line and analyze the candidates one-by-one starting with Rick Santorum. He started by talking about illegal immigration, border fences and telling the story about his immigrant family for the umpteenth time. He got into it with Ron Paul on foreign policy and failed miserably as he tried to cover up the fact that he’s a goddamned idiot on the affairs of Central and South America. I’ll write more on this when I get to Ron Paul, who owned Santorum like a twenty dollar prostitute. Santorum goes on to bitch about Fannie and Freddie and in turn blasts Newt and Mitt for playing personal politics and distracting everyone from discussing the real issues. On the subject of space, Santorum said that America is a frontier country and space is the next frontier to conquer. He calls for the private sector to be more involved with NASA but doesn’t fully support government being out of it. On health care he goes on and on about how awesome he is for trying to create health savings accounts. If you were so awesome, you would’ve got it done pal! He then gets into a health care argument with Romney that is neither interesting or worth writing about but what the hell, I’ll give you the nutshell version. Basically it went something like this:

Rick Santorum: “Fuck Romneycare”
Mitt Romney: “But it was only at the state level Ricky Baby!”
Rick Santorum: “I don’t care Mitt! You’re a bitch and you gave Obama the blueprints to evil!”
Mitt Romney: “Ricky Baby, you’re so silly!”
Rick Santorum: “Jesus Bible! No health care for the gays!”

Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich spent most of their time arguing about who was a bigger bastard while both looked like big bastards. Mittens talked about “self-deportation” again. If these guys believe in such a thing as an effective way of handling a situation, can we get them to believe in “self-governance”? If they trust those illegal immigrants to leave on their own accord after sneaking in here in an effort just to come back in a way that is much more difficult, they’ve got to believe that we’re all capable of managing every other aspect of our lives? I mean, they are putting blind faith into something so farfetched that they’ve got to be down with just saying “fuck it” and letting us run our own shit, right?

On the immigration subject, Newt says that Romney is the most anti-immigrant candidate out of the four. Romney gets all pissy and pulls his two Latino cards. The first he pulls is Marco Rubio, the Cuban American senator that came to his defense on immigration. The second card Mitt pulled was Mexico, as his father was born there. I was born in a hospital bro, that doesn’t make me a doctor!

Romney and Gingrich argue about immigration for awhile and then they argue about Fannie and Freddie and who is the biggest crook. Newt, once he gets away from the lame feud for a minute, goes on some tangent about making a moon base. Newt later said that Jacksonville was going to get big pimpin’ because the Panama Canal was widening and would bring them more boat traffic. Shortly after that we were treated to a Santorum-Gingrich-Romney three-way which was like stumbling upon a middle-aged homosexual version of Cinemax at three in the morning. It was a bitch and rant fuck fest that no one in their right mind needed to see, unless of course you’re into middle-aged gay men. If you are, I mean absolutely no disrespect. Do ya thang homegirl!

Fuck all these queens, let’s get to Ron Paul, the only adult in the room. On immigration, he says that if we had a working healthy economy we wouldn’t be so worried about the immigration issue as we’d be looking for workers to fill jobs. He adds that the way we are handling our borders is actually harming our economy. He points out that we don’t have the right amount of resources on the border and that we should pay more attention to our border instead of the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan.

On the Latin America issue, Ron Paul says, “Free trade is the answer.” He throws in the fact that we’d be a lot better off if we practiced free trade with Cuba. He adds that he doesn’t like the idea that America thinks that they can go down to Central and South America and try to dictate which kind of leaders they need down there, as it is none of our business. He says that the best way to influence other nations isn’t by telling them what to do, it is by practicing friendship and free trade. Paul then references Santorum who said that we have to stand up for these nations. Paul explains that standing up for nations often times comes with us imposing ourselves on the people of these countries while picking their dictators, undermining their government and sending them a lot of money. He warns that this sort of tactic always backfires and the people we are “supporting” end up hating us. Ron Paul calls Rick Santorum’s ideas on foreign policy the “bully way”. Paul adds that he knows a better to way to work with people other than using force. Santorum shakes his head, mumbles some stupid crap and then changes his tampon while wiping his bitch tears. Checkmate Paul!

Ron Paul is asked if Mitt and Newt should return the money they’ve made off of Fannie and Freddie and he responds to thunderous applause when he says, “That subject doesn’t interest me a lot.” Paul says that Fannie and Freddie should have been auctioned off right after the crash came. He said that if it was sold, the problem would’ve been “cleansed” by now. Ron Paul says that he’s been trying to prevent this stuff which is why we need to end the Federal Reserve.

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asks says that Ron Paul, if elected, would be the oldest president ever. He asks Paul if he would make his medical records public to show the people that he is healthy. Blitzer basically wants to paint Ron Paul as a geezer who could croak tomorrow and I find the question to be repugnant, just as I found it distasteful when the same issue was brought up with Ronald Reagan years ago. Paul said that he’ll prove how healthy he is by delivering an open challenge to all the other candidates to face him in a 25 mile bike ride in the heat of Texas. Ron Paul face-palmed the shit out of Wolf Blitzer and the other candidates with that answer. He also took a shot at Wolf himself when he jokingly pointed out that there are laws against age discrimination and that Blitzer should be careful. Wolf, after getting bitchslapped, tries to cover up the stupid question by asking the other candidates if they’d release theirs. What a tool.

On space spending, Ron Paul says that he would only approve funding on stuff that fits under defense. He says that going to the Moon and Mars is fantastic but that it could be done better by the private sector if their hands weren’t tied. Ron Paul then takes a shot at Newt, saying that he has stretched the truth with all his “balanced budget” claims from the days when he was Speaker of the House. Ron Paul is taking solid shots backed by facts and there is nothing that can be done about it when he brings these guys a dose of the truth. Strangely, Newt Gingrich was very polite and gracious to Ron Paul all night and gave him props for his ideas in several areas.

In the end, the debate was lightyears better than the NBC debate a few days prior. CNN does the best job, in my opinion, and I’ve watched every single one of these debates. Kudos to Wolf for rocking the house, even with a few prickish questions. Ron Paul owned the motherfucker, Santorum did decent if you are into his religio-fascist bullshit while Newt and Mitt looked like a few bickering Tinas arguing over the last pack of Lee Press-On Nails at K-Mart.

And that’s all I got because I immediately returned to my whiskey-scented orgy on the south lawn.

Grading Scale:
Grade A+: Ron Paul
Grade C-: Rick Santorum
Grade D+: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Mitt Romney

*Best debate moment in recent memory:

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Let me start by saying that even though I’ve referred to other debates as the worst, this one definitely took the cake and showed us just how godawful these things can be. This debate came to us from Tampa, Florida and was hosted by NBC. Brian Williams was the moderator and he was a shitty one at that. To start, there were no intros and the audience was not allowed to participate in any way. This means that the crowd could not applaud, boo or get fired up like they have in most previous debates. While I understand that this is done to speed up the process and fit in more quality time with the candidates, it creates bad television and boring debates, especially when the candidates argue incessantly for long periods of time and the moderator is too chicken shit to break it up and stick to his own rules regarding time. My biggest regret about watching this goddamned thing is that I only had one beer in the whole fucking house. I was also too lethargic from a 20 oz. New York strip to get up and mix a stronger drink. At least the ecstasy I got from my giant piece of premium American red meat kept me from losing my shit and going completely insane throughout this episode of ‘Three Statists and a Constitutionalist’.

So we start with Newt Gingrich being asked to respond to Mitt Romney recently calling him “erratic” and a “failed leader”. Woohoo! Here we go already starting with the personal attacks over policy issues. Gingrich immediately dropped several Reagan references and was shocked that he didn’t get any applause. Oh yes, the crowd must stay silent or be forced to stare into the droopy eyes of Brian Williams who has been known to turn people into hipster liberals with just a quick glare. This didn’t bode well for Newt as he was waiting for the crowd to react to his empty one-liners. Gingrich said he was like Reagan, who ignored Carter and went on to win the election. Really Newt? You’re ignoring the attacks against you? Funny, because every show I’ve seen you on, you’ve just gone on and on about all the attacks against you.

Gingrich is immediately given a second question, as Williams asks him how he has changed since being Speaker of the House. Gingrich says that as Speaker he had four consecutive balanced budgets, which he says is unheard of. He also brags about how many jobs he created and how he reformed welfare. This is also funny because in a recent interview he took the Romney approach and said government doesn’t create jobs the private sector does. So which is it Newt?

Brian Williams then directs his attention to Mitt and I can already tell that Paul and Santorum are probably going to get the shaft on time this round. Romney is asked if he is electable, which is a dumb fucking question. It’s a dumb question when anyone is asked this, really. Romney talks about how he saved the Olympics and created tons of businesses. He doesn’t actually answer the question he just runs through his already well-known yet well-rehersed talking points. He then switches to attacks on Gingrich and disses him for talking bad about the Paul Ryan Plan and for aligning with Nancy Pelosi on several occasions.

Newt Gingrich says that he isn’t going to spend the entire evening “chasing Mitt’s misinformation.” Yes he will, just keep reading. Gingrich says that the American people need a discussion on how the candidates are going to beat Obama and that they need to move passed the bullshit. Romney jumps in and points out that 88 percent of the Republicans in the House of Representatives voted against Newt, which caused him to resign from his position in disgrace. Mitt also points out that Newt’s approval rating when he left Congress was 18 percent. Romney then takes a stiff shot at Gingrich when he says that we can’t retake the White House if the person leading the fight was in the pocket of Freddie Mac. This fight then goes on forever and Brian Williams just lets them duke it out regardless of time restraints and the fact that there are other candidates who haven’t even talked yet. Gingrich tries to explain how he left Congress, which is all bullshit and just leads to him arguing with Romney over who has the most inaccurate attack ads. I thought you were ignoring the attacks and weren’t going to spend the evening “chasing Mitt’s misinformation”? Can we please discuss the real issues?!

Rick Santorum finally gets asked a question and as much as I loathe the guy, I’m glad to see him at this point. Of course he is asked to comment on the Romney-Gingrich spat because Brian Williams wants the two feuding idiots to be front and center to help discredit the GOP as a whole. Santorum rambles some nonsense about painting a positive vision for the country and adds that he creates a real contrast to Mitt and Newt. Um, not really homeboy unless you’re referring to the religio-fascist part. Santorum then claims to “..have a track record of being a strong conservative.” Well that depends on what your definition of a conservative is, as it varies greatly from candidate to candidate.

Brian Williams then takes a shot at Santorum and says that he lost his seat in the Senate by 18 percent. This was of course after Santorum bragged about winning the seat in a liberal state. Santorum responds to the criticism by saying that the Republican governor in Pennsylvania lost worse than he did that same year. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Santorum also physically crouched down when he was rambling incoherently and actually said the word “crouch down”. Thanks for the visual buddy.

Finally Ron Paul gets brought into this thing! Williams reminds us that Paul once said that he never visualized himself as winning the nomination so why does he think he can win now. Paul says that he doesn’t sit around and dream about being in the White House like everyone else on stage. He points out that, according to polls, when he is put head-to-head with Obama he has a better chance at beating him than anyone else in the GOP. Paul also clues the masses into the fact that Iowa was just a straw poll and the real winner hasn’t yet been decided, as it will be the person who acquires the most delegates. He’s asked if he will run third party because every goddamned moderator has to seemingly ask this question. Once again, Ron Paul says that he has no intentions to do so. He is then asked if he would ever support Newt. Paul gives Gingrich props on his stance with the Federal Reserve and the gold standard but adds that he needs to change his stance on foreign policy. Newt responds by giving Paul some props on economic issues.

They then get into the boring topic of Mitt Romney’s tax returns which just shifts all the attention back to Tweedledum and Tweedledumber – that being Romney and Gingrich, you can choose which is which. Romney says that his income tax info will show how he made profits and rewards. He then goes on to claim that he’ll drop corporate tax rates while reshaping the entire tax code in an effort to simplify it. Gingrich jumps in and channels Mitt’s dad, who released a dozen years worth of tax information. Newt then says something about a Hong Kong tax model. This guy’s always pulling obscure shit from other countries. Romney jumps back in and says he and his father disagreed on many things and unlike his dad, he will only release a few years worth of his personal tax data. Romney then goes on to say that he inherited nothing and made his own mark in the world. He name drops Staples, Sports Authority and Steel Dynamics as ten minutes have passed without mentioning them. Truthfully, I think everything Mitt says is a pre-recorded statement and he just moves his lips to the words.

The mic in this rap battle is then passed back over to Santorum. He takes a shot at Newt and Mitt when he says that they claim to support capitalism but how can they make that claim when they supported the bailouts. Santorum says that we should have allowed these moronic financial institutions go through bankruptcy. What some people might not know though is that Rick Santorum wasn’t in office at the time of the bailouts so he couldn’t vote on TARP; so it is easy for him to say he didn’t support it. When looking a little deeper however, Rick Santorum did support the bailout of the airline industry. So would he have really rejected TARP? Based off of the $15 billion dollar airline bailout and his past voting record with other things, Santorum looks to be a pro-TARP motherfucker. Lucky for him he lost his seat in the Senate and didn’t get stuck with TARP on his record.

Newt is asked about more criticism from Mitt, who apparently claimed Gingrich “peddled influence” with Freddie Mac. Why couldn’t this be addressed the first time in this very same debate when Newt was asked to comment on Mitt’s criticisms? Time wasting bullshit! Newt said he never “peddled influence” and added that Romney’s approach about the Freddie Mac situation is nasty. Gingrich claims that he never lobbied for them and actually says that he brought in experts to teach his staff how to not lobby. Sorry, I just find that laughable. Romney quickly lashes back at Gingrich saying that Freddie Mac doesn’t pay “historians” as much as they paid Newt. Romney also points out that Gingrich was pushing GSEs every chance he got, which is a form of lobbying. Newt said he only made $35,000 per year, which is a lie. Why do people like either of these shady bastards? Aren’t Americans sick of criminals in power?

The Mitt-Newt show goes on for a long time as these two duke it out with no buzzer going off and Brian Williams sitting quiet – wasting our precious fucking time on this bitch fight. Williams, after minutes of this nonsense finally cuts in to stop it but only because NBC has to go to commercial break. Brian Williams has the spine of a squid.

After the commercial break, the issue of the housing crisis comes up. Santorum is the first person asked to address it. He claims that he saw the crisis on the horizon and tried to stop it. Yep asshole but you were about a decade behind Ron Paul on seeing it. Santorum, while explaining his fallacious knowledge on the subject, actually utters the phrase: “Let capitalism work.” Hilarious! This guy doesn’t know what capitalism is! Santorum immediately follows up his pro-capitalism line by saying that the government needs to step in and help the people who have lost their houses. Here we go with the doublespeak! Santorum continues by saying that people need the freedom to get out from under these houses and get relief. Really dude? Just “let capitalism work”?

On the same issue, Paul is asked if the government owes the people anything. Paul says that they owe the people a free market and sound money. He says that the interest rates were kept too low for far too long. Ron Paul says that he introduced legislation to help prevent the housing bubble from bursting years before it actually did. He declares that the bubble and the consequences of these actions were easy to spot but no one in Washington did. Paul says that the government needs to get out of the way. He then closes by saying that the Federal Reserve dumped so much debt on the taxpayers after wiping the slate clean with banks and corporations they bailed out.

Brian Williams, who apparently wants to suck Mitt’s dick, gives us another Mitt-Newt session when he brings them in on the housing issue. Romney says that the government has to help the people they fucked but immediately after that says that the government has to get out of it. Which is it bro? Gingrich says we need to repeal Dodd-Frank as it would improve the economy overnight. He says that the bill led big banks to get bigger. Newt is asked if the financial system is overregulated, which just proves how stupid Brian Williams is. Romney jumps back in to monopolize more time and says that the markets need regulation to work. What? What happened to capitalism? He then adds that we need up-to-date regulation not that old shitty regulation.

Williams, who wants to keep Romney in the spotlight, switches the subject and asks him about opening up Cuba. Mitt actually says that he’d be glad if Fidel Castro died and went to see his maker.. WTF?! Romney says we can’t talk about opening up Cuba but we need to support those in the country who want freedom. Okay, so how are we supporting them by contributing to making their economy shit? Why do you think that it is so easy for Castro to convince his people that America is bad? This is why! Romney wants to help Cubans by punishing them and not “giving in”.

Gingrich adds to Romney’s “glad when Castro’s dead” comment by saying that he won’t meet his maker but that he’ll essentially go to Hell. Newt starts talking about a “Cuban Spring”. He says that we need to reach out to younger Cubans who want freedom. Of course he, like Mitt, wants to do this without working with them in a productive and positive way. These guys must believe in magic.

When the discussion shifts back over to Ron Paul, he says that he has a lot to teach these guys on foreign policy. Ron Paul calls Newt and Mitt’s tactics “isolationist”. Funny watching Ron flip the script when every idiot out there calls him an “isolationist” as the idiots don’t really get what it means. Paul points out that the Cold War is over and the Cuban Missile Crisis was 50 years ago. He adds that we prop up Castro with our sanctions and embargo as it helps him stay in power by gaining support through pointing the finger of blame at the United States. Paul reminds the candidates that we used to talk to the Soviets and currently talk to the Chinese while we’ve had major problems with both. He even adds that we went in and talked to the Vietnamese after the disastrous Vietnam War. He says that we are living in the dark age if we are going to refuse to talk to Cuba.

Santorum, who apparently ignored Paul’s great insight, calls for us to use sanctions against Cuba until the Castro brothers die. He says that for right now we have to keep the current policy active and we shouldn’t embrace Cuba until the dictators are dead. Santorum then goes on a dumb tangent about how Cuba works directly with jihadists. Here we go with the fear mongering!

On Iran, Romney says we need to build a super strong military to scare the fuck out of everyone. Gingirch says that we are a country that likes peace and stability. Apparently he means between all the wars he wants to bring forth. Gingrich adds that he feels that we should defend the freedom of the sea. He then shares his thoughts on Obama, saying that Iran keeps testing us because our president is weak. Ron Paul gets in the Iran talk and says that our blockade of Iran’s strait is an act of war and tells us to imagine if the roles were reversed. Paul points out that Iran needs the Strait of Hormuz as much as we do. He warns us all that we have too many wars and the thought of invading Iran is ridiculous as we don’t have any money.

Santorum is asked how he would attack Iran when they have such a large target list. Santorum doesn’t answer that, he immediately goes right into the fear mongering he is so good at. He says that if Iran gets a nuke, the whole world will change. He then says that Obama’s Iran policy is a failure and feels that no one in power is serious about the Iranian threat. He then claims that Iran’s leadership is the equivalent to having a country ran by Al-Qaeda. He hammers the point that it is reckless to not try and stop Iran from building a nuke. He then flips the script and starts rambling about manufacturing and energy in Florida.

The candidates are then asked why it is okay for them to court voters in Spanish while they are all in favor of English as a national language. Gingrich says that the common bond that unites a country is one language. He says that there will be 300-400 languages used in the U.S. very soon so we need to unify the people with just one. Romney agrees with Newt before rambling about Massachusetts teachers teaching in other languages. Ron Paul steps in and says that we need to have one language at the national level but adds that if states want ballots in Spanish, such as Florida, it is their right to do so. Paul says that you can make English the official federal language without interfering in what the states want to do.

On illegal immigration, Newt says that the children of illegals should be allowed to join the military so they can go off and die for his senseless wars. Romney says he would not sign the DREAM Act in its current form but he would if it included military service. Romney then goes on a weird rant that illegals should “self-deport” themselves, go back to their country of origin and apply for legal citizenship. Santorum, who didn’t think the “self-deportation” comments were obscure, says that people have been self-deporting for awhile now due to our shitty economy. Santorum keeps referring to illegal immigrants as “they” as if they are something other than individuals.

Newt is asked about sugar and goes on to ramble about sugar types. Romney, who gets a bunch of money from Florida sugar farmers, says that we need to kill sugar subsidies. He then goes on a rant about homes in Florida, diverting his attention away from sugar. Romney says that too many homes in Florida are underwater. OMG! Global warming is drowning us! Oh.. wait.. that was a figure of speech.

Ron Paul is asked some dumb question about saving the Everglades and then we go to a commercial break. Why couldn’t they ask that dummy Santorum about the Everglades? He’s a snake, he’d have more invested in the issue. We also get Williams asking abut the Terry Schiavo case, which happened years ago and has nothing to do with anything that is going on right now. Gingrich and Paul address it but it is just a time-waster.

Romney is asked if space is a priority. He says “yes” but adds that Obama doesn’t have a real vision for NASA and because of that, Florida is suffering. Actually dude, I live in Florida and I’m doing okay, so don’t speak for me. Mitt says that the right mission for NASA needs to be determined by the president. Um.. I thought you were a capitalist guy? Romney then adds that NASA shouldn’t be solely funded by the government but that it should be funded by a collaborative effort of the military and companies that have ties and can benefit from the institutions work.

Keeping with Romney, he is asked what he’s done to promote conservatism. Mitt gives the stupidest answer when he says that he has created a family and worked in the private sector. Really, that’s your answer? Gingrich is then brought in and asked to comment on Mitt and replies with, “I don’t want to spend my time commenting on Mitt.” Well what the fuck was he doing the first half of this goddamned debate?! Santorum jumps in and rants and whines about a bunch of shit regarding Gingrich and Romney not being as conservative as he is.

Brian Williams then asks Ron Paul if Gingrich and Romney are insufficiently conservative. Why didn’t Williams ask if Santorum was? Ron Paul says that it all depends on what your definition of conservative is. He points out that conservatives have lost their way completely and asks how can a person be conservative when they’ll cut food stamps but won’t stop wasteful spending overseas. He adds that you can’t have smaller government if you keep creating all these wars. He also adds that you can’t promote personal liberty and then try to legislate all the crap that the GOP wants.

Mittens says that he has a solid conservative record, just look at it. Okay dickbag. He then diverts and brags about how Ted Kennedy had to take a loan out on his house to beat him in the governor’s race back in the 90′s. Yeah, he still beat you dude. He finishes his soulless rambling by saying he will repeal Obamacare and leave health care up to the states.

Gingrich is asked about his numbers being on the rise and what scares him the most about possibly becoming president. He just says that the next president will face enormous problems. No shit cuntpickle! He then warns that there are too many huge special interest groups working against the country and only for their own benefit. Somehow he expects to defeat that. This ends the debate, twenty minutes early and Brian Williams introduces NBC’s crack staff to analyze the debate for the remainder of the time. I turn off the TV.

God this shit was awful.

Grading Scale:
Grade B: Ron Paul
Grade D+: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Rick Santorum
Grade D-: Mitt Romney

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Here we are again in South Carolina with the last debate in the state before they hold their primary election. This version of the ongoing shit show was put on by CNN. Unfortunately they brought back the throat gurgling champion of Dorchester, MA Mr. John King himself. Unlike last time however, we weren’t subjected to Mr. King’s guttural throat interruptions and in all honesty, he was pleasant to watch this time around.

Now be forewarned, the majority of this debate consisted of pointless bickering and while I did enjoy the bloodshed, the Santorum-Romney-Gingrich ménage à trois was more annoying than entertaining and for the most part it pushed Ron Paul out of the debate several times. I wish John King had been a bit more pro-active in squashing some of these squabbles, as it created an atmosphere of elitist shitcocks stealing the spotlight from the only sane man on stage. However, even with this issue, Ron Paul was not stopped from pulling off on of his best performances to date. When the man had time, he fucking shined. His smack downs to Rick Santorum were also the best jabs of the night and proved that Paul can battle it out with the establishment Neanderthals when need be.

It was a good night for Ron Paul, in fact he got the loudest ovation during the introductions which was refreshing considering how the South Carolinians treated him during the last debate. I’d like to say that the crowd was great and they really won over my support for South Carolina, as I was about ready to hire a witchdoctor to curse the everliving shit out of that state just a few days ago – following the last shit show. I guess it was just the people of Myrtle Beach that sucked because the Charleston crowd was a beast when it came to cheering for liberty and sanity.

The first question went to Newt Gingrich and it was about his ex-wife, who came out earlier in the day saying that he was a monster that ended their marriage because she wouldn’t give him permission to cheat. Without even answering or addressing the concerns brought up by John King, Newt brushed it off to a loud ovation. Gingrich said that he was “appalled” at the media for promoting this scandal and extremely upset that the subject kicked off the debate. As he continued to bash CNN and John King for their “despicable” actions, the crowd shot up to their feet! Honey Badger don’t give a shit! Newt finally addressed the issue after a long-winded smack down and said that the story was false and claims that he offered real witnesses to ABC that would debunk the story but apparently they weren’t interested. He went on to say that companies like ABC are just out to bash the GOP and protect Obama as he tries to get re-elected.

Now I understand Newt’s frustration and do agree with his feelings about the media but he was really just acting like a cornered dog – snapping at anything he deemed a threat. Whether the incident happened or not, it was well over a decade ago and the fact that the media and his ex-wife are bringing this story out now just shows that they are only out to hurt him. Frankly, as I’ve said before, I don’t care what a politicians dick does; I just care about how they lead and the decisions they make.

In an effort to save himself from looking like an ass, John King asks the other candidates their thoughts on the issue. Santorum skirts around giving a real answer and just mumbles about morals, leadership and Jesus. Romney says “Let’s get to the real issues.” Ron Paul warns about the corporate run media and how they can shape public opinion.

Ron Paul is then asked about whether or not we need the federal government to set up specific plans to help solve the unemployment problem. Paul says that we need sound currency and for the federal government to get out of the way. He calls for a near zero percent income tax and for regulation to be reduced in order to help create more jobs. He explains that we need to get rid of our excessive debt and malinvestments. He adds that the government shouldn’t be bailing people out and that they need to just stay out of everything. He says that they should focus on enforcing contract laws and bankruptcy. On the same subject, Newt says that we have to eliminate Dodd-Frank. He also talks about tapping into offshore natural gas, as that industry could create tons of jobs. He adds that we should look at overhauling the Corps of Engineers.

King switches the discussion over to Romney and Bain Capital. I’m so tired of this damn subject. Newt claims that Bain’s business model destroyed companies. Romney, like a fucking coward, diverts the whole issue and goes back to talking about job creation. Mittens blames Obama for using crony capitalism which is just a soulless attempt at getting cheap pops from the crowd. He then rambles about unimportant nonsense but throws “capitalism” around for even more cheap pops. It gets to the point where all I hear is “Capitalism!” “Capitalism!” “Capitalism!” “Capitalism!” and applause. Santorum jumps in and says that he “..still believes in capitalism.” Man, this guy is funny! He then tells stories about Iowa just so he can make an Iowa connection and brag about how it came out earlier in the day that he actually won Iowa and not Romney.

Ron Paul is asked if the federal government should help veterans get jobs, as statistically the unemployment problem hits vets the hardest. Paul says that he is concerned about soldiers coming home and trying to adjust to regular life again. He says that the vets do need help especially in regards to health. He talks about how veterans traditionally get shortchanged. He also talks about helping them with their mental health, as the suicide rate for veterans is very high.

Santorum is asked the same question as Paul. He feels that there should be special preferences for veterans. He then turns that into a rant about Obama wanting to cut the military and says that it is “disgusting”. On the same subject, Romney says that while he was governor of Massachusetts he helped vets with college and job training. This isn’t about you asshole. He then spins it into typical Romney rhetoric and finishes by saying he will build a military so strong, no one will dare test us. What about people who like challenges Mr Romney? Someone will always test it. Gingrich then talks some smack about Ron Paul which turns into him calling for a transition program for veterans, which is essentially the same thing Paul was suggesting.

On Obamacare, Mitt Romney says that an executive order won’t kill the bill. He says that we have to go after a complete repeal. He adds to his point that the American people need to stand strong and united in order to influence Democrats to help end Obamacare. Mitt then says that he will replace Obamacare with his own program. Huh? Wait.. what? Mitt claims that he will protect people and give them insurance options. He then says that he’ll help save health care with “free market principles”. Oddly, none of this sounds like “free market principles”. All Romney proposes to fix government intervention into health care is a different form of government intervention into health care. Government intervention is the opposite of free market.

Continuing on with the health care portion of the debate, Newt Gingrich tells parents to vote for the GOP candidate because they’ll create an environment that’ll get kids out of the house and off of their insurance plans. Santorum disses Romney and starts a Romneycare rant. Ricky Boy then starts dissing Gingrich for being in favor of individual mandates. Rick then talks about how he was the author and architect of a private health reform project that no one but him was interested in. Romney responds to Santorum saying that Romneycare wasn’t a government run system. He then points out that people in Massachusetts still approve of Romneycare 3-to-1. Mitt also claims that insurance rates dropped under his plan. Ricky Boy jumps back in and says Mitt’s facts are wrong and then reveals that Romneycare was the model for Obamacare! Dude, that’s like really old fucking news. Romney and Santorum then go back and forth for what seems like forever on Medicare and Medicaid.

Gingrich then jumps in, making it a three man dick-wagging contest. He calls Santorum “mildly lazy”. He then says that he led the charge against Hillarycare and that he was the guy that helped Rick Santorum try to gain traction with his private health reform project. He then challenges Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas style debate, which causes Santorum to make fun of him for suggesting that without having yet earned the GOP nomination. They then go back and forth as John King tries to bring Paul, the only doctor on stage, into the health care debate.

Ron Paul admits that the likelihood of repealing Obamacare isn’t good. He then talks about how he practiced medicine before government got involved and describes how well it worked back then. Paul points out that Santorum, regardless of his claims, expanded government control over health care based off of his policies. Paul then gets into the massive spending on the military and talks about how if we can bring that down, we’d have more to use elsewhere, even though he plans to attack the budget on every front.

Rick Santorum is asked about Newt Gingrich’s recent comments that called for Santorum to drop out of the race. Ricky Boy looks kind of hurt by the question, poorly shrugs it off and says that grandiosity is Newt’s style. He then points out again that he won Iowa and had twice as many votes as Newt so Newt should STFU and GTFO. Ricky Boy then claims that he was 2-0 going into South Carolina, which is a blatant lie. Then, comparing himself to Gingrich, says that he is steady and solid and even if he isn’t charismatic and doesn’t have good soundbites he is still a top tier candidate. Santorum basically said, “Hey, if you didn’t know my faults, here they are! Vote for me! Lulz!”

Gingrich then immediately gives us a Reagan name drop, as well as a Jack Kemp name drop. He goes on to describe his record versus Santorum’s and says that Rick isn’t qualified to be president. He adds that we need real leadership that can take on big projects and makes it known that Santorum can’t carry the ball at that level. Ricky Boy snaps back, getting personal, saying that under Newt, the House of Representatives was “undisciplined”. He then says that Newt doesn’t have the courage to stand up against rival leadership. Newt then lists off all the shit he did that he feels is bad ass, in an effort to prove that he is a rebel.

Continuing with the pot-stiriing bullshit, John King asks Romney about him calling Gingrich an unreliable leader. Mitt diverts the question in typical Mitt fashion and instead, talks about how the spat between Newt and Rick is why we need “a guy that’s lived in the streets to run this country.” By streets he means inside of the gated community. Romney filibusters for so long he pauses, looks at Newt and literally asks him “where are we at?” because he can’t even remember the original question and apparently can’t follow his own train of thoughts. Mitt comes back though and takes a shot at Newt saying that if he and Reagan were so tight, why is he only mentioned once in his diary.. oh snap! Gingrich doesn’t even flinch, he just name drops Reagan again, ignoring Mitt’s comment about them not being homies. Suddenly everything starts to fall apart on stage and we are stuck in another long-winded three man dick-wagging contest. There was almost some full-on full frontal fencing between the three swashbucklers.

The issue of releasing tax returns is brought up. Ron Paul says that he is afraid to release his as he’d feel embarrassed to have his income compared to those of the other men on stage. Paul jokingly points out that he isn’t a fat cat like the dick-wagging three amigos who are ballin’ outta control. Romney says he will release his taxes in April when he is done with them. Hasn’t this motherfucker heard of Turbo Tax? It’s January and I’ve got my taxes done already. That shit only took twenty minutes! Romney then wastes everyone’s time to ramble about Obama playing golf while Americans are out of work. He then bitches about the pipeline and Obamacare and doesn’t seem to realize that other people need to answer the tax question. Gingrich says that if there is nothing to hide, then Mitt should release his tax info. Newt adds that he released his earlier in the evening. Santorum says that his taxes are on his computer at home and that he hasn’t done them yet, as he’s been campaigning. When asked exactly when and how he will release his tax info, Mitt says that he doesn’t know and gets greeted with a chorus of incredibly loud boos. However, South Carolinians are apparently gullible as Mitt quickly adds that he “..won’t apologize for being successful”, which causes them all to cheer. I think these people have serious ADD.

Santorum and Paul then get into a spat. Ricky Boy starts by saying he would cut corporate taxes in order to allow us to compete with our foreign rivals. Paul comes in and says that you have to create the right conditions to bring companies back to America. He explains how free trade with China actually helps the American economy, contrary to modern conservative bullshit. Paul then points out that Santorum has damaged the economy by not supporting “right to work”. Santorum snaps back saying that he would support it as president. Sure you would now dicknose because you’re pandering to the people!

The hot button issue of the week, SOPA and PIPA, come up. Just the mention of SOPA gets the crowd fired up to where they boo loudly and uncontrollably. Gingrich is questioned about it first and he responds to King saying, “You’re asking a conservative about the intellectual interest of Hollywood?” In typical fashion, Newt’s clever one-liner got a lot of applause and cheers, however it is just a clever one-liner and pretty soulless as it offers no substance and doesn’t answer anything. Truth be told, whether he’s a conservative and Hollywood is liberal doesn’t matter. Artists have a right to own their own property and not have it infringed upon. Newt doesn’t care about the rights of who he perceives as his enemy however. Now I am not saying this in support of SOPA and PIPA, I vehemently oppose those laws; I am just pointing out how empty Newt’s one-liners are. After his big soundbite, he looks a little befuddled, like he has no idea what all this SOPA and PIPA talk is. He does finally add that laws already exist that allow companies to sue those who infringe on them.

Romney says that Gingrich is right and adds that the SOPA and PIPA laws are too intrusive and too expansive. He feels that these laws would have a “depressing impact” on the Internet and all of the industries attached to it. Romney wants more effective laws to bring the digital pirates to justice and says that these laws aren’t going to do that.

Ron Paul tells us that he was the first Republican to come out and oppose the law. He then says that the bills will not pass but that everyone should be vigilant as similar laws will come back up in the future. Paul feels that the Republicans have been on the wrong side of the issue. He then says that freedom and the Constitution bring people together and this is a great example of it due to the strong opposition to these laws all over the Internet.

Santorum says that he doesn’t agree with the law but then goes on a tangent about how the Internet isn’t a free zone where people can just trample on the rights of others. What the fuck does he know? His computer is powered by musk turtles. Santorum, who is talking against SOPA and PIPA, as the crowd hates it, still thinks that there should be a law like it. He then asks, “Who on the Internet said ‘anything goes’?” Shut up fucktard.

The debate then shifts to illegal immigration and border security, which these fucking guys have talked to death every single debate. I honestly lose interest and find myself staring into an empty bottle of bourbon that was used to wash down the twelve pounds of sushi I ate just a couple of hours prior. I snap out of my sushi-bourbon coma and hear Newt talking about modernizing visas, Ron Paul talking about how taking care of the needs of illegals hurts our schools and hospitals and then I get distracted by porn on the other television.

Gingrich and Romney argue over pro-life shit for quite some time and then Santorum jumps in making it round three of the GOP dick fencing competition. John King steps in after this abortion debate has raged on forever and goes to Ron Paul in an effort to change the subject. The crowd immediately erupts with boos as they are not happy that, once again, the only doctor on the stage was left out of a medical portion of the debate.

Ron Paul, on abortion, says that laws won’t correct the morality of people. Santorum jumps on his shit and says that he only has a 50 percent “right to life” voting record, responding to what he thinks is an attack on him by Paul. Ron Paul laughs and tells Ricky Boy that he is “too sensitive” as he wasn’t referring to him in his comments. Paul then goes on to explain how bullshit his 50 percent “right to life” voting record is, as he follows the Constitution and his record with that is 100 percent. Paul further explains that these “right to life” laws should be handled at the state level and that is how he has always voted. Santorum just stands there like a dork dick with his bitch tail between his bitch knees.

The debate ends with a segment where the candidates are given time to beg the South Carolinians for their vote. They all say what they have all been known to say over the course of this primary adventure and I don’t feel like wasting time typing out the details. This was a pretty good debate, there have been better ones and worse ones. Ron Paul’s time was limited due to the gay three-way the other candidates were having but Paul utilized the time he had brilliantly and really pulled off one of his best performances. Paul was the real winner here and Gingirch, although I don’t like many of his answers, also did well after having a really shitty day due to his ex-wife. Santorum sucked per usual and Mitt just looked like a sack of crap. Mitt getting booed made me giddy inside.

Grading Scale:
Grade A+: Ron Paul
Grade A-: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Rick Santorum
Grade D-: Mitt Romney

*Written by Rob Rimes.

You’ll have to excuse me, I barely got any sleep and had to wake up early as fuck on a Sunday morning to watch this goddamned debate. This probably won’t be my best written debate critique but I have a duty to fulfill and must see to it that I keep moving forward and continue to cover these shit shows. It’s just hard to get motivated when sitting through these awful things. Apart from Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman, the rest of these assholes are the same and frankly, I’m over it. But whatever, we’ve still got a little while left on this journey but hopefully after New Hampshire, a few more people will fall off and narrow this race down to just a few candidates.

So here we go, just twelve hours or so after the last debate and we’re off on another one. This debate was essentially a special episode of NBC’s Sunday morning news program ‘Meet The Press’. And just like that show, it was hosted by David Gregory, a man who looks like the love child of the Joker and a gremlin. Nothing was more annoying on a Sunday morning, when I should be sleeping off a hangover instead of watching this shit, than having to sit through the first fifteen minutes of this crap. Why? Well, the entire first portion of this debate was about Mitt Romney, as gremlin ass David Gregory wasted a quarter of an hour asking the candidates about the former Massachusetts governor. Jesus, where’s my damn bourbon!

Well, one good thing that I did notice was that Ron Paul was finally at a center podium! At least NBC isn’t afraid to show that Dr. Paul is a frontrunner. So I do have to give them credit for that. Shit, it must be tearing at Rick Santorum. He’s so pissed he gave his feathery baby mullet and extra bit of fluff this morning.

Anyway, Gingrich was the first to be asked about Romney’s record. Newt diverts the question and calls himself a Reagan conservative and says that he is more likely to succeed against Obama than Mitt, who Newt calls “timid”. Newt drops another Reagan reference and then another! He can’t just leave Reagan’s ghost alone, he has to continue to align himself with the 40th president because he knows that he is the hero to most Republicans. The truth is, Newt is NOT a Reagan conservative and at this point, if you can’t see why he isn’t, then you haven’t been paying attention.

Mitt Romney rebuttals by going on and on about his record and success at creating jobs in Massachusetts. He then talks about all the conservative leaders who have endorsed him. Santorum is pulled in and asked the same question as Newt. Then this all goes back and forth between Romney, Santorum and Gingrich for fifteen minutes. This entire section of the debate was pointless. Finally, David Gregory brings Ron Paul into this discussion and Paul says that this entire debate thus far has been “superficial”. Dr. Paul just slams Gregory and NBC for subjecting us to this, which causes Gregory to admit that Paul’s right and thus, the debate gets away from the time-wasting bullshit.

Jon Huntsman comes out and says that he was criticized at the previous night’s debate for putting his country first. Huntsman is of course referring to when Romney basically tried to make him look like a traitor for being Ambassador to China under Barack Obama. Romney says that working under Obama doesn’t truly represent a conservative stance. Huntsman cuts right in and says that the nation is divided because of statements like Mitt Romney’s. The room erupts into applause and cheers, in what was the greatest moment Jon Huntsman has had at any debate. In fact, the response was so good for Huntsman and so bad for Romney, after this exchange, that I would be shocked if there wasn’t a major number shift in the New Hampshire polls leading up to their elections.

Jon Huntsman is asked to name three areas where Americans would feel some pain over major spending cuts. Jon Huntsman immediately pimps the Paul Ryan Plan and says that the best thing about it is that there aren’t any sacred cows. He then goes on to say that defense spending shouldn’t be based off of a percentage of our GDP. He says that it would be determined realistically by looking at what we’re doing, what we need and eliminate all the waste.

Santorum is posed with the same question.He says that he won’t burden future generations with the Social Security problem. He also says that tax on labor makes us uncompetitive. He promises to take welfare and food stamps out of the federal government and return that power to the states. Santorum refers to all these entitlements as “dependency programs”.

Gingrich is asked about the negative comments he made last year in regards to the Paul Ryan Plan. Newt basically brushes it off, as he has already addressed the issue several times and now supports the plan. What he does say is that there needs to be a transition towards a Medicare program that makes sense.

Perry makes a joke and everyone laughs. I missed what he said as I accidentally spilled Chex Mix all over my couch and was frantically trying to clean up the mess; I’m paranoid of bugs. Rick Perry goes on to say that we need to create an environment that brings jobs and gives people their dignity back. He says that he did this in Texas and makes a case as to why he would be the best guy to do it for the whole country.

Rick Santorum comes back in and says that people often tell him that they want the same healthcare program that members of Congress have. Santorum agrees with those people and said that they should be allowed the same choices as Washington’s elite. Okay, so is he for socialized medicine then? Sounds like he wants to replace Obamacare or restructure Obamacare with something that reflects the same insurance plan members of Congress have.

Mitt Romney says that the right course for America is to not raise taxes. He adds that the reason why the government always wants to bring in more tax revenue is because they need to pay for their massive size. Mitt says that we need to shrink the size of government and claims that he has a plan that can reduce it’s size. He goes for the cheap pop from the New Hampshire crowd when he says that the first thing to do to stop over-spending is to kill Obamacare.

Jon Huntsman re-enters the debate and tells us that he put a tax reform proposal on the table that was endorsed by the Wall Street Journal. He says that we have to get rid of all the legislative loopholes and eliminate corporate welfare and subsidies. The crowd is being really receptive to Huntsman this debate.

Gingrich is asked about the personal attacks on him by Harry Reid. Apparently Reid said that if Newt became president, he would do everything in his power to make sure that he was just a one-term president. Gingrich cooly responds that the opposition always wants you to be a one-term president. He doesn’t cite this as an example but he’s right. Hell, nearly every single GOP candidate has said repeatedly that their mission is “..to make Obama a one-term president.” Hell, Michele Bachmann used to scream out this mantra again and again. Gingrich then goes on to cite Reagan again. He also gives Huntsman props for standing up to Romney earlier when he talked about putting partisan bullshit to the side and putting the country first. Newt says that people of goodwill can talk about the problems and work through them. He says that there is always time to fight and bicker later. He reminds us of how well he and Bill Clinton worked together in the 1990′s.

Romney jumps in to defend himself and says that he can work well with others. He talks about how the legislature in Massachusetts was 85 percent Democrat and regardless of that, they all worked well together. He talks about how the Democrats put their trust in him and allowed him to cut spending any way he saw fit. He claims that even though the state was full of Democrats, he cut taxes 19 times.

Ron Paul is asked about argument versus accomplishment or more precisely rhetoric over action. He is asked how he thinks he can get Congress to work with him when so few of his proposals have actually gone before Congress and only one has become a law. Ron Paul says that that shows how disgusting the politicians are and how sick Washington is because his policies work for the people as they are constitutional and promote individual rights, property rights and attack spending. He then says that he wants to first start by bringing our budget back down to the levels that it was at in 2006.

Rick Santorum is asked a question but, being the rotten bag of dicks that he is, ignores it and uses his time to attack Dr. Paul. He says that Paul has accomplished nothing and that he has proven that he is unsuccessful at working with anyone. Right, and everything Santorum has accomplished has been very strong liberal policies that somehow make him, and his supporters, believe that he is a conservative. Santorum goes on to say that Paul’s foreign policy will leave America vulnerable. Yep and Santorum’s foreign policy will murder innocent people and destroy their economy through sanctions and the cost of rebuilding the mess we leave them with. Not to mention the fact that it’ll just manufacture more hatred towards the United States. He concludes by saying that the things Republicans like about Paul, he can’t accomplish, and the thing they don’t like, he can accomplish and those things will put us in harms way. Santorum runs out of time and then tells the moderators that they have to give him more time to answer the question he ignored. This guy is such a fucking prick.

Defending himself, Ron Paul says that we can’t get involved in all these pointless attempts at nation building. He also adds that we can’t afford to have all these bases everywhere. Ron Paul warns us about our horrific monetary policy. He then answers Santorum’s claims that he has no influence by telling everyone that he has changed the rhetoric in this country. He has educated people on the tyranny of the Federal Reserve and made dissatisfaction with that agency go mainstream. He says that most Americans now favor an audit of the Fed and they want more transparency.

They go back to Santorum to answer the question that he ignored and he just babbles a bunch of crap. Huntsman then jumps in and brings up “trust deficits” again. He also brings up his strong desire for congressional term limits.

Rick Perry is asked about leadership and the crowd laughs. He is then asked about how he would buck his party and make decisions that might not be popular with the GOP establishment. Perry says the biggest problem with the country is Congress’ out of control spending. Referring to a few unnamed people on stage, he says that those who voted to raise the debt limit are a part of the problem. Perry, like Huntsman, calls for term limits for Congress but he also calls for them to be cut down to part-time so that they would all have to get real jobs like the rest of us. So, does Perry have a regular job?

Jon Huntsman gets on energy and says that we have to stop favoring oil over other resources. He tells us that we need more diversity and that we need to treat oil in the same way we treated broadcasting. He says that we have to break up the oil monopolies or else we will never truly have energy independence.

Ron Paul is asked about his stance on oil and energy subsidies. He responds by telling the moderators that subsidies are bad economic and moral policy as it takes government force to transfer money from one group to another, which can cause great harm in the long run. Ron Paul says that when the dollar is manipulated it drives prices up elsewhere, especially in regards to energy.

Mitt Romney starts talking a bunch of shit. He says that we have massive overhead because there are too many government problems. No shit dickweed, did you just figure that out? He is then asked about his pro-gay comments from some random magazine that was published in 1994. In that interview, Mitt said that he would stand up for gay rights. Mitt responds by saying that he doesn’t discriminate and that he had a gay person in his cabinet while he was governor. He says that he has always promoted a stance that wasn’t discriminatory in the hiring process or anywhere else. The moderator asks Mitt, “When was the last time you stood up for gay rights.” Mitt quickly snaps back, “Right now!”

The topic of defending gays is then brought up to Santorum. This bigoted fuck says that all people should be treated with respect and dignity but he is against gays trying to write or change laws. Yep asshole, sounds like respect and dignity to me. He is then asked how he would treat a son that came out to him as gay. He says that he would love him the same. Yeah, except he probably wouldn’t let his hypothetical gay son vote during major family decisions.

They go to Rick Perry and he just rambles about wrangling steer and wrestling illegal aliens before handing them free tuition checks. Mitt also has a ramble session but says unions suck and we need federal “right to work” legislation. He goes on to say that unions have too much political power and points to the unions for government employees as being one of the worst examples of political corruption. Santorum jumps back in to get his two cents on unions into the debate. He admits that he didn’t vote for Pennsylvania to be a “right to work” state but he supports it nationally. Uh.. does he not know how this works?

Newt Gingrich blames Barack Obama’s policy for killing jobs and raising gas prices. This lead in is just another opportunity for him to rant about how he is the second coming of Ronald Reagan again! Newt, who has always been a good debater is now carrying himself like Michele Bachmann, who was synonymous for continually repeating catchphrases over and over. I don’t see how this continued talk of how he is Reagan-esque is going to help him. His strategy has always worked well in debates and he doesn’t need to hold onto this cheap talking point.

Mitt Romney blames Obama for the slow economics recovery but doesn’t blame him for the recession itself. He adds that business owners feel like they are under attack from the Obama administration due to his shitty policies. He then goes on a tangent about clean air or something. He finishes up by calling for a real effort at tapping into our natural gas resources. Scientists have recently come out and said there is a lot less natural gas than these politicians claim. This is something I should probably look more into. Continuing the energy talk, Newt explains how radical and incompetent the EPA is. He gives a bunch of examples of how they suck and concludes by saying that he plans to replace the EPA with a different environmental agency.

Rick Perry is asked about John McCain’s comments where he recently praised Obama by saying that on foreign policy he reflected our Founding Fathers. Mr. Texas didn’t agree with McCain’s comments and he pointed out that Obama is a socialist and is therefore incompatible with the Founding Fathers. Really? Because on foreign policy, Obama and Perry don’t really differ all that much. Perry then rants about how Obama needs to respect the 10th Amendment.

Due to the fact that he has had very liberal policies, Santorum is asked if he has advanced socialism. He doesn’t really answer the question and goes on to describe all the things he’s done to reform the health care industry. The moderator gets flustered because Santorum is beating around the bush. Ricky Boy explains that he and the moderator aren’t communicating well. He says that his record proves that he is anti-socialist. You sure about that homeboy?

One of the idiot moderators asks Ron Paul what people are entitled to get from the government, as if people should expect the government to give them hand outs galore. Paul smacks this dickhead down and says that entitlements are not a right. He goes on to say that he hates the term “gay rights” because that puts people into a group. He says we’re not groups we’re all individuals and then says that it is individual rights that we have to protect. He says that we must think in terms of individuals and not groups and then warns that we can’t expect one group to be forced to have to give to another group.

Being that they are in New Hampshire, Jon Huntsman is asked what “Live Free or Die” means to him. He says that it is a motto that people from New Hampshire take very seriously. He says that they also take leadership very seriously and leadership is about unifying people, not vilifying groups and attacking them. Huntsman then goes on another rant about the “trust deficit”.

Rick Santorum is asked why he thinks that we need to worry about Iran when we survived the Cold War, as Russia had thousand upon thousands of nuclear missiles pointed at us. They also cite the fact that North Korea, who hates us, is also armed with nukes but Santorum doesn’t think we should invade them. Rick says that Iran is an Islamic theocracy and they are willing to die to kill us, so that is the major difference. Santorum needs to learn about Iran and its people.

Gingrich is asked about the fact that he has been vocally opposed to all the attack ads coming out against him but now he is releasing attack ads too. The moderators challenge Newt’s consistency. He says that he is consistent because his attack ads are “fact based” unlike all the ads from other candidates. Oh, what a crock of shit! This honey badger really has thin skin and a mouth full of bullshit to hide it! Gingrich then gets fired up and tells Romney to come out and say that his attack ads are “untrue”. Mitt says that he didn’t make the ads and by law he can’t direct them, they are made by all of his PACs. Mitt says that if the ads have anything that is wrong, that material should be taken out. However Romney immediately starts going through every single point in the ads and says that each one is true. Newt can’t dispute it, he just looks like a whiney fool and tucks his tail between his legs. Romney literally owned Newt! That just leaves one to wonder, what the hell has happened to our beloved honey badger? He’s gone from super-debater to being a guy that just babbles, repeats catchphrases and cowers at the sight of a fancy haircut!

To close out the debate, Rick Santorum goes on to talk about the book he wrote. Fuck you asshole, I’ve written two and am nearly done with my third! Plus mine don’t suck. And that’s pretty much it, other than Ron Paul talking about how he will always preach the gospel of liberty. This debate was pretty poor overall and most of these people still look like the weak douches they are. Paul did pretty good but not as good as last night. Huntsman did really well! In fact, the people of New Hampshire were cheering him many times throughout the debate. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jon Huntsman surges in the polls after this showing.

Grading Scale:
Grade A-: Jon Huntsman
Grade B: Ron Paul
Grade C: Mitt Romney
Grade D: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Rick Perry
Grade F: Rick Santorum

*Written by Rob Rimes.

This is the first debate after voting has officially started. It is also the first of two New Hampshire debates, the second one being just twelve hours later at nine in the morning. I’m already dreading waking up that early on a Sunday to watch it. I guess my typical Saturday night must be put on hold so I can type up this debate critique and prepare for tomorrow’s early morning rap battle between six whiteboys.

Anyway, this debate started with your typical intro, which was actually nice and fair to everyone involved in the debate. That’s not something I can say about myself because I am about to let the douchebags have it, as I always do. As with every ABC debate, we are stuck dealing with Diane Sawyer, who is a really feminine looking fellow, as well as George Stephanopoulos. There is also some dude named Josh sitting at the table this time. Everyone is announced and there are no cheers or boos so either the crowd is boring as fuck or ABC decided to get all Mussolini about the rules. They’ve also brought out that red light, yellow light, green light timer thing again, which is just fucking stupid. Have a real fucking timer people, colors are confusing. Besides, what if one of the candidates are color blind? You liberal shitcocks didn’t think of that did you? You wouldn’t want to be insensitive would you?

Now with this debate, I’m going to just write about the key moments. The reason for this is because this debate was literally a mess. It was easily the worst one yet and even though I’ve said it before, this one was plagued with amateurish technical issues and the questions, format and refereeing were so poor that this was like a free-for-all 12 and under night at CiCi’s Pizza Buffet. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the cable channels, with smaller budgets, put together better debates than the major networks. ABC sucks mule cock because this damn thing was almost unintelligible and to top that off, it ended twenty minutes early!

So of course, the first question goes to Mitt Romney. Although ABC sits on the left and the candidates are supposed to sit on the right, there is an obvious bias towards Romney in this debate. Reason being, at the end of the day, ABC and Mitt Romney are both progressives. It’s also worth noting the Rick Santorum is now standing at one of the center podiums. That’s bullshit! He isn’t one of the top two frontrunners. He didn’t win Iowa and in New Hampshire he is polling 4th out of 6! The guy polling second is Ron Paul but god forbid they put him center stage with Romney.

So Mitt is asked about job growth. He says that he is optimistic and that the current growth is great but he then points out that Obama is going to take credit for it when in reality he had nothing to do with it. In fact, Romney goes on a tangent about how Obama’s policies have made the situation worse and made the road to recovery that much harder.

Rick Santorum is questioned next and all he does is ramble about how great he is and all the great things he has done. Yep, he’s fantastic! In fact, I just wrote an article about this moron and his moronic policies (read it here). Ricky Boy warns that Iran is the most pressing issue of the day. No it isn’t, unless you are an Islamophobic warmonger that can’t pull their finger off the trigger. He tells us that we need to strengthen our ties with our allies and we need to throw our weight around with our enemies. Santorum then takes a shot at Mitt and says that we don’t need a CEO as commander-in-chief. Apparently Santorum isn’t worried about jobs and the economy. He just thinks that the president needs to be a military man above everything else. Well Santorum, you are neither a CEO or a military man, so go fuck yourself.

Mitt Romney responds by saying that people who spend their life in Washington, like Santorum, don’t understand how a CEO or a business owner could be a real leader. Mitt says that his experience is in real leadership. Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney then go back and forth about records and other boring shit I’ve covered in the other seven dozen debates. Mitt ends the exchange by going on and on about all the jobs he’s created; he claims that the 90,000 jobs at Staples were part of what he helped start.

Jon Huntsman is asked about Mitt’s record and he immediately goes in to say that it is fair for the country to dig into any of their records because everyone’s is quite extensive and will most likely have something questionable in it. Huntsman points out though that the candidates need to realize that in their current position, they have to expect their record to be picked apart, analyzed and scrutinized. He then finishes by touting his economic successes in Utah.

Ron Paul and Rick Santorum got into it, which was great. It started when Paul was asked about his attack ads against Santorum and he started to defend them but was immediately interrupted by the buzzer. Then Santorum cut in and yelled at Paul that he was lying. Fuck, Santorum is such a whiney wimpy bitch with extremely thin skin. Paul goes on to explain Santorum’s shitty record but the buzzer continues to malfunction in the background. It’s like ABC is just trying to throw Paul off. Whatever, I’m not going to get all conspiratorial about it.

Santorum, who is just acting like a pissed off pussy, says that the group Dr. Paul cites that labeled him “corrupt” is a liberal attack group and that Dr. Paul should be ashamed for even bringing it up. Aw, poor baby. Santorum then tries to go on and defend his big government waste and just fails miserably at convincing anyone. He just talks about how great he is and how his garbage policies have saved America. He then fallaciously attacks Ron Paul on earmarks. Really? Did he not hear Dr. Paul’s answer to this last debate? Maybe if he’d shut up and listen to someone else for a change then he wouldn’t be such a self-centered egomaniacal asswipe.

Shaking his head, Paul makes it clear that he has always voted against big spending. He goes on to explain that Santorum is a big government conservative and no matter how he tries to explain himself it doesn’t matter. He’s a statist and that’s all there is to it. Santorum snaps back saying that his record is good, which is by far the most laughable thing in this entire debate. He then disses Paul’s libertarianism and says that he isn’t like Paul because he doesn’t vote against everything. He says that as if it’s a bad thing! Santorum is a fucking cry baby dork dick pissant that was seriously about to break out in tears or have a meltdown if Paul kept pushing him on the truth. The moderators stepped in and saved us from full Santorum meltdown, which was the stupidest thing they could have done! Fucking ABC! Just when Icarus was getting too close to the sun, you you handed him a fucking parachute!

Rick Perry, who is still in this race somehow, points to Paul and Santorum and says that Washington insiders are a problem and since he’s not an insider, he’s the man for the job. Yeah, you’re a Bilderberger dude; you can’t get much more “insider” than that. Stephanopoulos asks Perry to clarify if he is calling Ron Paul an “insider” and Perry says yes and then goes on a rant that ends with him calling Ron Paul a “hypocrite”.

Cutting in, Huntsman says that we just witnessed a bunch of insider “goobly goop”. He then reminds us again that he did a bunch of amazing stuff that helped take Utah to the moon. Huntsman says that the United States has a “trust deficit”. This is becoming his “999″. He then says that “everyone knows that Congress needs term limits”. No dude, everyone doesn’t know that. In fact, I’m undecided about it. It’s something I need to do more research on. On paper it sounds good but you can’t just go off of that.

Crazy ass Diane Sawyer turns to Mitt Romney, who gets confused because Sawyer forgot to ask him a question! God, ABC sucks! Mitt goes on to say anyone up there would be better than Obama. He then rambles a bunch of gibberish and I can’t follow what he’s saying. I just hear something about a “dangerous world” and “shrunken military”.

We then get to the next good fight of the night and this time it is between Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich. Newt is asked about Paul’s “chicken hawk” comments which refer to Newt being so pro-war yet never having served his country as a soldier. Newt responds to this by talking about how his dad was in the military and that he was an army brat. He tells some story and then tries to convince us all that he “gets it”. Great, are they going to start making former Army brats generals now?

Ron Paul is asked if he would use that phrase again to describe Newt. He says yes and then he goes on to defend all the youngsters that are being pulled into war by non-military leaders who have never served a day in their lives. Ron Paul reminds the other candidates that the Constitution has rules and that all these wars break those rules. He doesn’t like it when leaders who have never experienced war send our kids off to die over some bullshit.

Newt rebuttals by saying, “Ron Paul has a long history of saying things that are inaccurate or false”. Shit, I just spit my soda across the room.. hahahahahaha! Did Newt really say that?! Yes he did! Jesus Newt, you talk more bullshit than most of these people combined and you’re going to try and call the only honest man on stage a liar? Really? Newt closes by saying that he resents Paul’s comments and the fact that he slurs people. Newt really can’t stand personal attacks by other politicians. In fact, he was on Fox News this past week urging Mitt Romney to pull his attack ads off the air. Naturally, Mitt just laughed at him. Ron Paul comes back at Newt and says that when he was drafted he had a wife and two kids and he still went. Ron Paul, believe it or not people, is the real experienced military candidate.

Ron Paul is then asked about the racist newsletter issue again and he is asked to explain it for the umpteenth time. Paul says that he did not write it and says that looking at something he didn’t do 20 years ago is distracting from what’s important in the world right now. He adds that the moderators need to ask him what he will do to work against racism. He goes on to talk about how the drug war hurts minorities because they are treated much worse than whites when hit with the law. He also points out that minorities suffer more in war due to how they are treated. He promises to end this sort of racial tyranny.

Mitt is asked if states have the right to ban contraception, which just kicks off a really weird five minute block of strangeness starring Mr. Romney. First of all, Santorum rudely cuts in and mumbles something because he is an attention-starved whore. Mitt says that he would oppose any ban to contraception. He is asked if states wanting to ban it is Constitutional. Mitt immediately looks confused and tells the moderators to ask “the constitutionalist” Ron Paul. So Mitt doesn’t know and he’s looking for  Dr. Paul to bail him out. He then diverts the discussion and goes into a rant about the Supreme Court but George Stephanopoulos asks Mitt to answer the question again. Once again, he cannot answer it and brushes it off by saying that no state wants to ban contraception so why is this being brought up. Stephanopoulos asks Mitt a third time and this time the crowd boos, they’re over it.

Ron Paul while discussing the Constitution says that the 4th Amendment is clear and that you can’t just go into people’s houses and disrupt their lives. He talks about how thew PATRIOT Act is unconstitutional which causes America’s favorite shit stain Rick Santorum to chime in that the PATRIOT Act does not violate the 4th Amendment. Apparently Mr. Santorum has never read the fucking thing. He then throws in that he wants to turnover Roe v. Wade.

The topic shifts over to gay marriage. Gingrich says that marriage is exclusive to a man and a woman but regardless of that, we don’t have to make gays miserable. He says that we need to clearly define it. Okay, so where’s the part about not making gays miserable? Huntsman says that civil unions are fair and that his marriage and his family aren’t threatened by civil unions. Huntsman says that recognizing a civil union between gays and lesbians “brings dignity to their relationships” and he feels that it is “absolutely appropriate”. Santorum on same sex adoption says that it is a state issue. He says that marriage is a federal issue however. Huh? He says that you can’t get married in one state and not have it recognized in another, so therefore it has to be defined at a federal level. Okay, so if a gay couple has a kid in California but then they go to Nevada, is the child magically not theirs then? This logic makes no sense. Plus, if marriage is defined at the federal level, then doesn’t that eliminate gay marriage across the board and thus eliminate a married gay couple from adopting a child, even at the state level? On gays, Mitt Romney says that everyone has the right to form long-term relationships but that doesn’t mean that they have to call it marriage. He says that gays could have some sort of “contractual relationship”. Aw, how sweet!

Ron Paul starts to talk and is immediately interrupted, not sure if it was Romney or Santorum but whoever it is should shut the fuck up. These idiots are so afraid of this guy that they can’t even let him get out a sentence. Paul says that we need drastic changes in foreign policy and monetary policy. He adds that there has been no real talk about cutting spending in this debate. Well, no shit Dr. Paul, you’re on progressive ass ABC with a bunch of progressive ass neo-con RINOs and Jon Huntsman. Paul does point out that the “cuts” to military spending that everyone is bitching about is really just an end to future increases.

Joining the military discussion, Huntsman says that it is time to bring the boys home. He says that our occupation of Afghanistan is not to fight an insurgency but that it is to nation build and it’s time to end it. Huntsman warns that civil war is around the corner in Afghanistan and he doesn’t want to stick around and endanger our troops any longer.

Newt jumps in to say that we’re asking the wrong questions about Afghanistan. He claims that Afghanistan is one piece of a larger puzzle. Gingrich goes on to point fingers at Pakistan, Iran, Syria and pretty much everywhere else that doesn’t have Christianity as their state religion. Newt’s solution? Bomb him some motherfuckers!

Santorum says that America is soft and can be pushed around too easily. He blames Obama’s handling of Iraq as to why we are so soft. He then gets mad at Huntsman for wanting to leave Afghanistan and goes on an angry rant about “RADICAL ISLAM! RADICAL ISLAM! RADICAL ISLAM!” He then gives the fucking spiel about how they hate us so we have to murder them. He obviously can’t wrap his fucking peanut brain around the fact that maybe they hate us because we are bombing the shit out of them and setting up bases in their backyards!

Super-fucking-genius Rick Perry jumps right in and says that he would send troops right back into Iraq. He then drunkenly rambles about treasure and blood money. Perry claims that Iran will move into Iraq. Wait, didn’t all these guys, like a month ago, say that Iran would move in the second we left? Okay, so where are they? None of them really care about solving this problem. In fact, Newt says that if you want to stop Iran coming into Iraq, you just have to go stop Iran at the source. For the uninformed, that means he wants to flatten their country.

Ron Paul is asked about his questionable foreign policy and how he expects to win when that is seemingly his Achilles’ heel. Ron Paul says that the president is the commander-in-chief not a king. He says that we need to go to war the right way and not the way that we have been for the last 50 years.He points to all the countries that we are in and how many of our leaders now want to bomb so many others. Ron Paul tells us that we need to change our ways. He then tells a story about how just this week, the Navy rescued some Iranians from pirates and how those sort of actions are what we need to be doing to build relationships with other countries. He warns against throwing around sanctions and threatening aggression. He says that our actions push those that we perceive as enemies into the arms of China, which is bad for all of us.

Rick Santorum then comes on and explains that the Iranian people want to be liberated and that they have taken to the streets and protested against the current regime. He says that Obama missed an opportunity by doing nothing. Of course, even though he knows there are innocent people who want freedom, Santorum’s answer is to sanction them to death and then bomb them if they’re still alive.

The next topic is jobs and truthfully, every dickhead on stage just talks about how Obama sucks and how they have created trillions of jobs in the private sector, yada yada yawn. Santorum does go on some long-winded sanctimonious speech about spending cuts. Funny, considering the douche only knows how to spend. Honestly, I can’t listen to this fucking prick anymore so when he comes on, I’m just going to put my earbuds in and listen to Morse code because at least that’s more exciting.

Ron Paul is asked to give a realistic vision of what he feels would be a great America. He says that people need to understand economics, not of the Keynesian variety obviously, and that they need to learn about bubbles and how they break. Ron Paul says that we are in the midst of a really big economic correction. He talks about how the Republican Party used to stand for real cuts but that they don’t any longer. He continues by saying that we need to stop bailing people out and we need to truly understand the business cycle.

The debate moves over to Huntsman and he warns against putting tariffs on China. He says that we need to sit down with China and work through our trade issues. Mitt Romney jumps in and takes a cheap shot at Huntsman by pointing out that he worked for Obama as Ambassador to China. Well no shit asshole, that’s why he knows so much about China! Maybe you should STFU and listen to him, eh? Nope, Romney goes on to talk about how China manipulates our money and sends us computer viruses. First of all Mittens, WE manipulate our fucking money! Romney says that he won’t talk about how we need to get along with China. He says that they need to play by the rules and not kill our jobs. All I can think of right now is that ‘South Park’ episode where the town rednecks repeatedly yelled “They took errrrrr jobs!” Huntsman says that Romney is just using easy talk to get easy applause and says that his ideas will create a real trade war. Romney essentially says that he is willing to call China’s bluff.

We come back from our final break and the moderators ask some stupid fucking question I won’t even address here. I’m tired of time wasted on dumb shit that doesn’t move the debate forward. I guess it doesn’t matter though because they end the debate twenty minutes early and that’s that.

This debate was horrible. End of fucking story.

Grading Scale:
Grade A: Ron Paul
Grade B-: Jon Huntsman
Grade D+: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Mitt Romney
Grade D-: Rick Perry
Grade F: Rick Santorum

*Written by Rob Rimes.

The first debate of December brought us something unique. Mike Huckabee, former presidential candidate and host of the aptly named Huckabee on Fox News, decided to host a two hour forum for all the presidential candidates. Well, that is except Gary Johnson, who no ones seems to invite to anything anymore, even though he is a complete bad ass and could run circles around every candidate not named Ron Paul. Herman Cain was not a part of the debate as he tapped out of the presidential race earlier in the day because some fucking vampire bitches were trying to dine on his pizza sauce blood. Also, Jon Huntsman decided not to take Mr. Huckabee’s invitation and sat this debate out because he’s not big on theatrics and lesser debates that aren’t going to influence anyone, one way or the other. Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum were all present however.

The format itself differed from previous debates, as each candidate was given their own time on stage to answer the moderators without their competition in the room. Each candidate was given equal time, or so Mike Huckabee claimed but the time allotted did seem pretty balanced. Also, the candidates were asked not to mention and especially not to bash any of the other candidates. This forum was for them to explain their stance on the issues without interruption from bickering rivals trying to steal away as much time as possible. It is also worth noting that there was no audience, as the Huckster didn’t want his Huckamaniacs at home to be influenced by cheers, jeers and what he hates most.. queers.

Mike Huckabee was pretty much just the host, as he did not actually moderate the debate. The duties of moderator were handled by three state attorney generals. They were Pam Bondi from my home state of Florida, Ken Cuccinelli of Virginia and Scott Pruitt of Oklahoma. The moderators did a pretty good job and asked some pretty decent questions to most of the participants.

As unique as this forum was, I didn’t feel like it really benefitted anyone to take part in it. It was pretty cut and dry and if you don’t know where these people stand at this point, you probably didn’t bother enough to watch this anyway. All it did for me was solidify Rick Santorum’s religious intolerance, Newt’s magical way with dictation, Bachmann’s crazy antics, Mitt Romney’s hair as a force to be reckoned with, Rick Perry’s presence as a poor man’s Dubya and proof that neocons and RINOs will never “get” that crazy Ron Paul guy. However, let me give you the rundown of what happened nonetheless.

The first person put under the hot interrogation lamp was former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, who last debate pissed off conservatives with his humanitarian policy in dealing with illegal aliens. Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit however and anyone trying to ruffle his feathers about it is going to get nut-stomped, simple as that! Funny enough, the first question given to Gingrich asks him to explain his controversial illegal immigration policy. Newtie Bootie explains, for the umpteenth time in just under a week, that he is only proposing that we need to not toss out illegals that have been here for a long time and have established their life here. I totally feel that and I agree that we shouldn’t be tossing out aliens that have been here for a quarter of a century that have contributed to our country. People need to get past the bullshit that all illegal aliens are milking the system. Yes, many are but that is a welfare issue and should be addressed as such, as far as I am concerned. It’s the welfare system that is a major magnet for those people.

When the subject of courts comes up, Newt says that he trusts a jury more than he trusts a bureaucrat and then touts how important it is to have a jury of your peers to avoid corruption and unjust decisions by those in power. Yet, he is a big fan of abandoning this stance when it comes to terrorists, whether legit or potential domestic threats. Ignoring the Constitution, as most conservatives do on this, Newt has no problem with military tribunals and unending detainment of criminals deemed threats to the United States. With the NDAA just passing in the Senate, this line is blurred even more and American citizens can potentially be given the same treatment, if they are deemed a “threat”. The criteria to deem someone a “threat” is very broad and essentially could be used to paint anyone a threat. Let me also point out that the right to a fair trial isn’t something that just refers to American citizens, it actually applies to everyone that commits a crime. There is nothing in the Constitution that points to different treatment for foreigners or even terrorists in war time or peace.

Newt is then asked about the problems in the medical industry. He says that back when he was speaker, the conservatives saw how bad Hillarycare was and therefore he truly understands how bad Obamacare is, especially the individual mandate portion of the bill.

When pressed about a television commercial he filmed with Nancy Pelosi, Gingrich referred to the incident as “the dumbest thing he ever did.” I guess infidelity isn’t as bad when you think about it. He goes on to talk about how he wants the 10th Amendment to be enforced. He also says that he will introduce a balanced budget amendment. Citing his time as the leader in the House of Representatives, he boasts about how he controlled spending and balanced a budget in the 1990′s. He takes a shot at the Tea Party when he says that you can’t change things at the scale that they want and that you have to essentially find a happy medium. Yeah dude, what’s the happy medium? Newt also points out that Medicaid and education should be state issues, not federal ones. He believes that education controlled at a state level would give the power back to parents in regards to their children’s schooling. Newt calls for shrinking Washington and growing citizen control over the government. He says that he wants to establish an environmental solutions agency to replace the EPA.

Rick Santorum finds himself center stage in the chair, as I don’t wait eagerly for his first question. I actually take a quick second to center myself and calm my nerves before having to deal with his complete and utter stupidity spritzed with his special brand of religious fascism. You don’t believe me? Well, the first question he is asked is if the PATRIOT Act runs over American citizens. This fucking shitcock says, “No”! He then goes on to explain, in his completely ignorant and idiotic way that before 9/11 we weren’t dealing with terror (yes we were you fucking moron) and that we need the tools created by the PATRIOT Act to help us find and nail the evil bastards. Well, Rick Santorum is still walking around, so his theory holds no weight since he is an evil bastard that the PATRIOT Act must not have nailed. Rick Santorum agrees with the tyrannous acts that Abraham Lincoln used to prevent the South from seceding, a right that was protected by the Constitution mind you! So in Santorum’s little fucking shit world, it is okay for the president to completely abuse his power in an effort to force his subjects to do whatever he wants, regardless of their rights.

Santorum is asked if the government should dictate family values. He responds by saying that the government undermines family values but “yes” they should dictate them regardless. Racquetball Ass Juice then goes on a rant about how welfare undermines families and even though there is some truth to that, no one with their wits about them is even really listening to this wannabe tyrant anymore. Santorum then tells some long ass pointless story about some group in Tennessee that helps promote marriage. Coming from Santorum, that translates to “protects marriage from those filthy gays!” Anyway, he talked about a bunch of other shit but I missed it as I had to Listerine the fuck out of my mouth because more than two minutes of this guy makes me vomit. I can guess what was said though, “Rant. Rant. Jesus. Rant. Evil Fags. Rant. Rant. Abortion. Control. Power. Rant. Rant. Fascism. Rant. Christ. Rant. Values. Rant. Morals. Rant. Rant. Sanctity. Rant. Waterboarding. Torture. Bombs. Rant. Hallelujah!”

Oops Perry was up next, which is an improvement over Santorum, even though that isn’t saying much. As flat out dumb as Rick Perry is, at least he is entertaining and his comedic timing is worth all the gold in El Dorado. He is first asked about his craziness in wanting to use all sorts of executive orders to force his will on the American people. He doesn’t really give a real answer to the question the concerned moderators asked and instead just panders with empty bullshit and gives them all props. Dude, you can’t bullshit these moderators and the American people like you can a six-year-old child. “Hey look at this Beanie Baby wiggle!” Nope, that won’t work dude.

The question is essentially posed to Perry again and he ignores it to go on a rant about energy, which just annoys the moderators who have to tell him to make his points because his time is limited. Perry goes on to say that “right to work” laws are state issues and that he is a big 10th Amendment guy, well if you don’t count all the times he wants to abuse his executive power. Perry then gets distracted and starts pandering to Huckabee, who isn’t even moderating the debate. Perry is like an SNL character and while he thinks we’re laughing with him, well you know.

Rick Perry says that people moved to Texas because he’s a hell of a guy. He claims that he is the best candidate for border security because he’s the one who has been dealing with it the most the last decade. Yep, he’s been turning a blind eye to it while handing out Texans’ tax dollars to illegal aliens so that they can go to college for free, while the sons and daughters of the taxpayers get stuck with monstrous student loan debt. Rick Perry brags about how asshole Sheriff Joe Arpaio supports him. That’s like saying, “Hey guys, Mussolini’s ghost gave me the thumbs up!” Perry goes on to promise that he will have the border locked tight within 12 months. He also supports states wanting to sue the federal government for standing in the way of real border security.

The moderators ask Perry if the federal government should play a role in education. Perry says that it is the states’ job to handle education because locals will not allow their schools to fail. Perry also suggests getting rid of government assistance on school lunch and other things. Texas Rick says that we need to get rid of the Department of Education.

When it comes to the Supreme Court, Governor Perry wants strict constructionists as judges. While talking about the court room, he keeps pronouncing “legislators” as “ledge-ooh-slay-tores”. Perry then rambles on and on about strict constructionists. Rambles, pandering and diverting aside, Perry does much better in this sort of setting without other candidates to compete with over airtime. He seems more confident, even with his butchery of the English language and apparent OCD.

Bat Shit Bachmann takes the stage with a big ass smile or snarl, I’m not really sure. It just looks like she bit into a really sour lemon. I think she may have been in pain or had botox done five minutes prior. Either way, her crazy eyes were drilling holes into the moderators as she waited for her first question. If there is ever a Michele Bachmann biopic, they had better cast Jennifer Coolidge in the lead role.

On to her madness!

Bachmann immediately goes on a rant about how evil Obama is and how evil Obamacare is and I am immediately pulled into eye-rolling boredom. She calls Obamacare a “social engineering playground”. She also says that Obama has demonstrated how far a president’s abuse of power can go. Using her usual dose of fear-mongering, she warns that this election cycle is the only time that we can elect someone to kill Obamacare.

On the subject of her stupid stance on illegal immigration, Bachmann is asked about how she will pay for the billions it will cost to deport illegals under her “ship them the fuck out” promise. Bachmann says that the cost of allowing them to stay in America is greater than the cost of rounding them all up like the fucking Stasi and forcing them into concentration-like FEMA camps until they can be deported or gassed. Yeah, because they won’t just come right fucking back or anything. Bachmann better have some magic beans that can grow an impenetrable wall because if she doesn’t, these people will be right back. That is, after they cut through whatever wall Bachmann might build like a goddamned can of tuna. Bachmann says, “We have to uphold the law of the land!” Yeah lady, isn’t Obamacare the “law of the land” now? You’re not for upholding that. You’re bat shit logic is flawed.

Bachmann then goes on and on about the fact that she supports tort reform. However, she wants it at a federal level, which means that this self-described “constitutional conservative” is completely ignoring the 10th Amendment. Fuck, I’m so sick of the hypocrisy that these candidates ooze out of their pores.

Bachmann supports the elimination of the Department of Education and cites her seven-quintillion foster kids as some sort of example that is hard to follow. She wants to abolish the EPA because they have “become a government to themselves and they change history almost everyday.” Huh? Please elaborate. Wait, never mind.. please don’t.

Bachmann says that we need to send the power back to the states. Wait, hold the fuck up! You just shitted on the Constitution, especially the 10th Amendment which gives the states the right to make their own laws not covered in the Constitution. Bachmann is a fucking idiot that only supports something when it benefits her: typical religiously intolerant corrupt know-it-all Bible-thumper’s stance. Hungry Hungry Hippo-crite! Bachmann has constitutional schizophrenia. She can shove her stance on the PATRIOT Act up her ass as well. I’m done analyzing this mountain succubus.

Finally some goddamned sanity comes into the room when we get back from commercial break and Ron Paul is sitting in the chair previously occupied by a string of dumb asses. Paul is asked what are the three primary domestic responsibilities of government. He responds to the moderators by telling them that sound currency, secure borders and enforcing the Constitution, especially the Bill of Rights, should be the top three. He points out that the Constitution is the law.

Ron Paul is asked what his alternative to the PATRIOT Act would be, which is obviously a bit of a gotcha question, as stupid of a question that it is. Dr. Paul says that the PATRIOT Act would’ve never passed had they called it what it really is “the Repeal of the 4th Amendment.” He also says that you can’t pass laws to prevent all crime and violence. He goes back to the example he’s used before that you can’t have a cop in every house in an effort to prevent child abuse. Paul points out that there is nothing in the Constitution about a national police force or about the federal government dealing with acts of violence in this way. Paul warns against having federal policemen.

Answering a series of quick questions, Ron Paul says that we should be checking our borders and knowing who is coming in and it is something he will work on. He also says that these police state laws (like the PATRIOT Act) won’t make us any safer. More laws against the people here wont save us from psychos elsewhere. On crony capitalism, Paul states that it is wrong when people write the regulations for their own industries because it causes corruption and keeps the winners on top by eliminating competition unfairly. On the Medicare and Medicaid programs, Paul says that the Constitution says nothing about giving us these sorts of entitlements. To save the country, we have to be serious about cuts and Ron Paul plans to cut one trillion dollars in his first year as president. Paul warns that you can’t quit all these entitlements cold turkey, so he has programs he will set up to transition us out from under them. Ron Paul also ads that the United Nations and NATO should not have the power and influence over the United States that they do. When asked what one book he would recommend for every American to read, Ron Paul replied with “The Law” by Frédéric Bastiat.

The final candidate and obviously Mikey Huck’s main event is Mitt Romney. Nope, it’s not obvious who the brass at Fox News want in power. Romney starts by kissing major moderator and Huckabizzle ass. When asked questions, he answers in a way that is just professionally political in that it doesn’t really answer anything. He just talks about stuff without committing to an ideal. Romney plays his typical game of pandering to the voter base but doesn’t truly commit to any of it.

When Romney was asked about Obama claiming that Romneycare was the model for Obamacare he says that Obama never called him to see what worked and what didn’t. So does that excuse the similarities and the fact that Romney did provide the model for a bill he supposedly hates? What would Romney have said to Obama? Would he have helped him craft a different version or would he have told him it’s a bad idea? I mean, when pressed, Romney admits that there were mistakes made with Romneycare but he still supports it. Romney actually says that he had hoped that his plan would bring down the cost of healthcare but in the end it didn’t. Yet, he still claims that he fucking likes it? So he likes failing?! Un-fucking-believable!

On education, Romney says he supports No Child Left Behind. God, why would any conservative vote for this guy?! Oh yeah, the last two GOP presidential primary winners were Bush and McCain. Romney says that No Child Left Behind was Bush’s way of telling unions to stop fucking up public education. Yeah bro, that worked out real well.

On welfare, Romney says that he will examine programs for the poor. He also states that welfare programs need to be left up to the states. On the subject of the Supreme Court, like Perry, he says he will only appoint strict constructionists. Romney believes that states need to put in place “right to work” laws and he wouldn’t oppose getting rid of all federal labor laws. Romney wants to return power to the states. And that is basically it for Mr. Mittens.

The candidates are all given time to make some final statements but I can’t stomach anymore and I turn off the television. Sure, I’d like to hear Ron Paul’s thoughts but I’ve got just about every policy point of his Xeroxed into my brain. I just couldn’t sit through all the mentally vacant ass clowns to get to Dr. Paul. I also didn’t really care about listening to Mike Huckabee’s post-game wrap-up as he is just going to pimp Mittens and Newtie and find some way to discredit Ron Paul. In the end, this debate was about as fun as using a power drill on one’s own head.

Grading Scale:
Grade A-: Ron Paul
Grade C: Newt Gingrich
Grade D+: Rick Perry
Grade D: Mitt Romney
Grade F: Michele Bachmann
Grade F-: Rick Santorum
Grade I: Jon Huntsman
Grade I: Gary Johnson

*Written by Rob Rimes.

There have been way too many debates in the month of November, this one was the fifth and thank Jesus it is the last one. Luckily I get a break from covering all these damn things until the next one on December 10th. This debate brought some extra fire, especially after the very calm church debate we got just three days prior. The subject of this particular debate was national security, which is one of those touchy subjects that really shows a candidate’s true colors. It is easy to tell the true liberty lovers apart from the bastards just with the issue of the PATRIOT Act alone. So with that said, let’s go!

Legend, icon and show stopper Wolf Blitzer graces us with his presence as moderator for this CNN hosted affair and love him or hate him, he is usually always a solid moderator, minus his incessant bullying of last year’s senatorial candidate from Delaware, Christine O’Donnell. Luckily for us, there were no witches in denial on the stage and Wolf didn’t have to resort to picking on a defenseless joke of a candidate. Not that some of these people aren’t jokes but even the battiest has her shit together somewhat. Okay.. maybe not.

The only thing worth mentioning about the introductions is that Ron Paul got the loudest pop from the crowd, Mitt Romney got the second loudest and Gingrich surprisingly got some boos. Rick Perry pimped out his wife per usual and we all found out that Jon Huntsman is apparently married to Mary Kay. I wonder if he gets a big discount on eyeliner? Anyway, these goddamned introductions go on for so fucking long that we didn’t even get the first question until 13 minutes into the debate! Unlike other channels, CNN apparently doesn’t care about fitting in the most substance in their television time constraints. Fuck Ted Turner.

When a question is finally asked, it is about whether or not the PATRIOT Act should be extended. Really? Apparently there are still a shitload of fear turtle zombies that think that giving up their liberty for safety is a great exchange. Yep, safety from a boogeyman threat that is a lot less likely to kill you than a bolt of lighting. Surely these conservative candidates don’t believe such nonsense?

Well, Newt starts off by saying that there is a distinct difference between criminals and terrorists who we are at war with. Newt has been using this talking point a lot lately. He then says that he would support an extension and expansion of the PATRIOT Act. In fact, Mr. Gingrich says that he would “strengthen” the PATRIOT Act. So far every good thing Newt has said throughout these debates is now overshadowed by this idiocy. When it comes down to police state tyranny, he is just a shitcock bastard trying to shackle the feet of the free people he claims to be fighting for and protecting. For a guy who brings so much fire and always has his nuts on display, he sure is a scared little bitch when it comes to the boogeyman.

Ron Paul immediately comes out in opposition to Newt when he says that the PATRIOT Act is “unpatriotic”. Ron Paul points out that it undermines liberty and it does incredibly more harm than good. Paul says that you can’t have safety and security without having to suspend the rights of Americans. Newt responds by saying that Timothy McVeigh succeeded without a PATRIOT Act in place. Ron Paul tells Newt that his example is like saying that we need a cop in every house to prevent child abuse. Ron Paul points out that Newt’s viewpoint is pro-police state and anti-liberty, he’s right.

In regards to the PATRIOT Act issue, Michele Bachmann says that she takes the side of the Constitution. M’kay, does this dingbat even know what that means because the Constitution says nothing about a PATRIOT Act and at its core, would be vehemently against such tyrannical legislation. Nope, she’s a dumb ass and is an example of a so-called constitutional conservative Tea Party hypocrite as her stance is seemingly pro-PATRIOT Act. Bachmann, in typical fear-monger fashion, builds up our fear by telling us that phones are smartphones now and that they aren’t wired into walls anymore. Really shithead? Thanks for pointing that out while trying to get grandma to think that her cellular device is a goddamned Decepticon waiting to bite her ear off. Bachmann then complains that the CIA doesn’t have enough power to properly interrogate terrorists. Aah, so waterboarding torture isn’t tortuous enough for this Constitution thumper. Bachmann citing the Constitution is just like that old adage warning about the Devil citing the Bible.

Jon Huntsman, one of two sane people in the room in the matters of national security and foreign policy says that we need to find the proper balance between security and liberty. I see his point and it is a lot more admirable than mostly everyone else’s proposed policies but I’d prefer to privatize everything, without the government still defining what the protocol for security is. You see, even if we do privatize the TSA, the replacement firm would still have to practice the Department of Homeland Security’s guidelines. He can’t simply privatize it and we can’t simply find a balance, we have to go beyond that.

The next big question asks if the TSA is necessary and if their pat down policy is a violation of liberty. Mitt Romney says that we can do better than TSA policy. He also says that he agrees with Newt’s side of the PATRIOT Act argument and not Ron Paul’s. Mitt reminds us that we are at “war!” Yep, here we go. Mitt says that we have to defend life, liberty and property. Uh huh homeboy, because that’s exactly what the PATRIOT Act doesn’t do.

Rick Perry is up next and he talks about how he wants to privatize the TSA and in turn, eliminate their unions, which he perceives to be a big part of the problem. Perry points to Denver who he says has successfully privatized their airport security. Funny, considering that the Denver airport is considered to be somewhat of a headquarters to the New World Order according to conspiracy buffs. Rick Perry, like most of his counterparts on the stage, says that he would also try and strengthen the PATRIOT Act.

Rick Santorum, who is STILL in this race, says that he would like to see airport security use profiling methods. Israel has been using this technique for years and it has worked with success. Unfortunately, people would rather be politically correct than be safe. Then again they would rather be safe than be free. So essentially people rank political correctness over safety over liberty. Wow, we’re really fucking doomed!

This fucking idiot Santorum actually cites Abraham Lincoln’s abuse of power as a good example of when one should abuse the power entrusted to them by the American people. Santorum says that Abe showed us that at times, you have to sacrifice liberty for a little security. Where’s Ben Franklin to kick this shitworm in the testicles? Santorum also says that he wants a stronger PATRIOT Act. Yep, all these fuckers really love that small government they pimp out so much.

Ron Paul says that people us the slogan “We are at war!” too damn often and too carelessly: a-fucking-men! Ron Paul tries to explain to the clueless idiots that the PATRIOT Act and other similar legislation mixed with executive powers has made every American vulnerable to be labeled a terrorist and/or assassinated. Nope, they are all unaffected by reason and logic, go figure. Scare tactics only work when it’s bullshit, especially their bullshit.

Herman Cain jumps in and refers to Wolf Blitzer as “Blitz” thus fucking up the name of one of the biggest legends in the media game. Cain goes on to say that he wants to implement “targeted identification” in airports which is his stupid way of calling for racial profiling in a way to not look like he is a racist. He doesn’t need to worry about that though, he already looks like a bigot after recently telling his story about how he was relieved to find out his surgeon wasn’t a Muslim. Cain then tries to scare grandma harder than Bachmann when he tells us that terrorists (the Muslim ones) want to kill all of us, so we have to hurry up and kill all of them. During this tirade, Bachmann can be heard through her mic laughing like a rabid dickbag choking on shit.

Jon Huntsman says that we don’t need to nation build in Afghanistan, we need to nation build in America. He is for expanding the drone program in exchange for bringing troops home.

Bachmann feels that Pakistan is the “..epicenter for dealing with terrorism.” She calls Pakistan violent and unstable and drums up the fear again when she warns that their nuclear facilities can be overtaken by jihadists. She also points out that that big evil bastard Red China is trying to influence Pakistan against the United States. However, she wants to keep sending foreign aid to these people because we need to keep them happy and friendly with us. This woman’s intelligence is fucking non-existent. She closes her rant by calling Pakistan “Too Nuclear to Fail!” Derp! This chick is just a series of shitty unfunny slogans pinned to a pair of crazy eyes.

Idiot Perry then jumps on idiot Bachmann and smugly states that “If you aren’t an ally, you ain’t getting a dime!” Bachmann replies by calling Rick Perry naive. Then to hit her point home she resorts to more fear-mongering per usual and warns that Al-Qaeda, who are essentially dead at this point, could steal nukes from Pakistan and blow up New York City. Jesus fucking Christ lady, just stop it! Besides, how is showering Pakistan with free money going to stop Al-Qaeda from robbing their nukes? You’re own example, that won’t happen, contradicts your whole argument about sending money to a growing enemy. Lady you’re an idiot that needs to enroll in some classes at STFU.

Mitt Romney is asked that if the massive amount of money being poured into Afghanistan is worth it. Without actually committing to an answer and providing a sound bite, which is his modus operandi, Mitt basically agrees with the Afghan War and thinks it is money well spent. Mitt feels that Afghanistan is a breeding ground for terror, yet he doesn’t see that the vast majority of Afghanis want us to GTFO and are getting angrier and angrier by the day over our occupation of their country. Yep, America is turning up the heat on this pot about to boil over. You see, Mitt Romney, like most of the GOP candidates, is of the belief that somehow we can get this country full of warring tribes to become a democratic nation that will be able to stand on its own two feet in an effort to push back all the bullshit in the region. God, Romney and anyone else who thinks this is either blind or has never read any history on the people of that area. You can’t force democracy on those who don’t want it and you certainly shouldn’t sit in their backyard with an entire army waiting for them to finally give it a try.

Huntsman tells Romney that we’ve already accomplished the vast majority of our goals in Afghanistan and that we need to get out. Huntsman once again says we need to nation build at home, not abroad. This gets Huntsman a loud round of applause from the crowd. Mitt disses Huntsman and tries to combat him by repeating his stupid points again and Huntsman slaps him like a hoe and re-solidifies his points to further applause. Mitt Romney responds by saying that Afghanistan has to become a soverign nation and that we can’t stop until they are free of the Taliban and champions of democracy. He says he stands with the commanders on the issue. Huntsman replies by saying that the president stood with the commanders in 1967 and that turned out to be the biggest military disaster in U.S. history.

Newt is asked to chime in but is quickly cut off by Mitt who feels the need to not let Huntsman’s burn stand. Newt says that he should let other people talk but Romney ignores him and tries to throw down more on Huntsman. Mitt just pukes up the same points over and over. We get it dude, it’s the message we don’t like, not how you are interpreting it. Your argument sucks bro.

Newt Gingrich finally chimes in and tells us that we should be furious at Pakistan, as Osama bin Laden was there under their noses this whole time. Imperial Newt is prepared to tell Pakistan to either help us or to get out of our way. Yep, that’d be an act of war if anyone came at us like that. Gingrich believes that Pakistan was protecting Osama bin Laden the whole time.

Rick Santorum gets some more time and says that he agrees with Ron Paul. He then spins his statement stupidly and says that he agrees that we aren’t in a “war on terror”. Oh no, Santorum tells us that we are in a “war on radical Islam”. Jesus dude, stop talking.

The next major question asked of the candidates is would they help Israel if they decided to attack Iran. Herman Cain is the first up to answer and he says that he would make sure Israel had a clear plan on attacking Iran before deciding if he would help them or not. C’mon man, that’s weak. Cain also admits that he would only help them if they had a real chance at succeeding. Okay, so Cain doesn’t like a challenge, he is only down to join up and fight if the odds are stacked in his favor. What a puss. Makes me wonder why Cain is still in the presidential race, considering he is plummeting faster than Lindsey Lohan stock in Hollywood.

Ron Paul says he would not help Israel attack Iran, as Israel is their own nation and can deal with their own problems. Paul points out that the whole scenario of Israel attacking Iran and vice versa is basically ridiculous, as neither country wants to risk killing itself in a nuclear exchange. Ron Paul also points out that Syria’s president Assad called this talk of war between the two nations stupid. Ron Paul then asks “Why does Israel need our help?” He informs us all that we already stand in their way enough and that it is time to allow them to take care of themselves. Ron Paul also points out that we don’t even have a treaty with Israel. He warns us that whenever we try to buy friendship it bites us in the ass, just like what happened in Egypt during the Arab Spring. Paul ends his talking points by proclaiming that we need to stop having such a willingness to go to war.

Thin skin Herman Cain, who is obviously offended by Ron Paul’s statements on behalf of all the people who supposedly need our help in Israel, tries to argue against Paul’s points but says absolutely nothing worthwhile, thus proving he is still an idiot on foreign policy. I guess he didn’t have any advisors telling him what to do or say before he opened his mouth.

The candidates are then asked if there are any sanctions that could prevent Iran from making a weapon of mass destruction. Rick Perry calls for us to shut down Iranian banks before even considering a military strike. Perry basically says that we need to go ape shit with sanctions. Perry also calls for sanctions against Syria and pretty much wants to make the entire Middle East a no fly zone.

Newt is asked if killing Iranian banks would stop Europe from getting Iranian oil. Newt responds by saying that we need a massive “all sources energy plan” in the United States, so we can become the world’s supplier of energy and thus, strip the Middle East of power. He wants us to develop a good strategy to combat radical Islam and says that if need be, we could break Iran in a year. Uh huh, yet we are still dancing around in Afghanistan over a decade later and are close to approaching a decade in Iraq. Yep, one thing our military management is, is quick and exacting. Newt also says that sanctions to hurt Iranian banks are a good idea.

Michele Bachmann agrees with Newt because her brain is just a pile of forgotten Jello shots left in the dirt at a derelict campsite. Bachmann immediately starts Obama bashing, as that is the only way she can get the drones in the crowd to cheer. She mentions that Obama’s mishandling of the pipeline issue is what has fucked up our quest for energy independence. Nope lady, it’s been a fucked issue before Obama even came to power. Bachmann then tries to scare grandma again by saying that Ahmadinejad is going to eat our children and pick his teeth with the bones of our goldfish or something. Whatever, this chick takes the silly threats of a silly dictator way too seriously but I guess one would have to when their entire campaign is about scaring the shit out of everyone whether the boogeyman is Barack Obama or some Moooslim that wants to murder every single one of us while sitting in a cave eating goat ribs 7,000 miles away.

Santorum is asked if we can afford to continue giving foreign aid to Africa to help combat AIDS and malaria. Santorum says that we have to maintain humanitarian aid all over the world. Santorum lets his true colors fly when he says that we have to use ALL of our resources to promote our values through out the world. By “our values” Santorum means his particular brand of Jesus snack cakes.

On the aid to Africa issue, Herman Cain gives an answer that once again shows his lack of knowledge on everything outside of developing pizza deals. Cain says that we have to sit down and figure out if all this aid is working and then make a decision. What a bunch of pandering jackassery that just illustrates how hard this guy is struggling and trying not to dig himself anymore holes.

Ron Paul reminds us once again, that this sort of aid simply takes from the poor in a rich country, the United States, and gives to the rich in a poor country. Paul calls this sort of aid worthless and says that if we are going to aid or teach these other countries anything, we need to teach them about free market principles and economics. Dr. Paul lets it be known that none of the other candidates up there are conscious of the budget. He also says that the most important national security issue is our financial state. Tou-fucking-ché!

Mitt the bitch gets all upset with Ron Paul and tries to argue a bunch of neocon nonsense to which Ron Paul responds by telling him that “All this talk is just talk.” Paul says they are nibbling away at baseline budgeting and nothing is being cut from the military. He calls Mitt’s stance, and frankly the stance of 6 out of 8 of these people on stage, “..a road to disaster”. Mitt says that the cuts are real and he starts listing examples. He then says that military cuts will prevent us from being able to properly defend ourselves. Occupying a country against their wishes is only called defense if you dine on the same bowl of RINO turds that Mitt eats three times daily.

On the subject of defense cuts, Newt talks about how something is very wrong with the system when it takes the military 9 years to develop something new but Apple can change the world every 9 months. Now, I’m sure those aren’t exact figures but he does make a very good point. Shifting to energy, Newt says that we need to open up oil fields everywhere we can but that we won’t because this country isn’t serious about energy. He says that we need to get away from all this mindlessness and get shit rollin’ again! Then after making the statement about “mindlessness” Newt says he would bomb Iran for regime replacement. C’mon Newt, you were doing alright this round.

Jon Huntsman drops some knowledge on the nimrods when he borrows a page from the Ron Paul manual and also states that we need to face economic reality and understand that our national debt is our biggest national security issue. Huntsman says that Washington D.C. has a trust deficit with the American people because they can’t brush the bullshit aside and start working towards fixing the problems. Huntsman adds that we cant have an honest conversation about cutting some of the sacred cows and that we need to put everything on the table when it comes to fiscal responsibility. He finishes his points by saying, “Our foreign policy needs to reflect our economic policy.”

Rick Perry is asked if he would compromise the Democrats in Congress to avoid gridlock. Perry starts his answer by calling the Super Committee a “super failure”. Perry points out that Obama is not a leader and he passed the buck to Congress instead of doing the right thing. Rick Perry feels that the idea that you can’t work with the other side is dumb. He promises to do whatever is needed to get things done. He also, once again, calls for a part-time Congress. He thinks that Congress should work half the time and get half the pay. It would definitely make the career politicians rethink their path in life.

Rick Santorum is posed with the same issue and he claims that he would not “work against himself” if it came down to having to compromise with the other side. Newt says that we need a series of reforms done to entitlements. Bachmann promises to draw a line in the sand in regards to the deficit issue. She also says that when we pay back interest money to China we are transferring our military might because our military will decrease and China’s will increase.

On border security, Rick Perry calls for a “21st century Monroe Doctrine”. He mentions that Hamas and Hezbollah are working in Mexico and need to be stopped from crossing over. He also says that Iran and Venezuela are working together and pose a real threat to border security, which just compounds the issue with Hamas and Hezbollah working in the same region, so close to us. Perry wants more boots on the ground and “aviation assets”, which is just Texan for “drones”.

Ron Paul speaks out against the War on Drugs and says that it needs to end. He says that we need to stop worrying about the Afghanistan-Pakistan border and to give more attention to our own borders. He calls for better immigration services and adds that free medical care and education benefits, as well as welfare for illegal immigrants, is a burden to us all. Ron Paul calls the Drug War “a total failure.” He points out how the federal government has increased their power, as they continually undermine the states when it comes to drug laws. Paul also points out that more people die from prescription drugs than illegal drugs. These are all very valid points and issues that nearly all of the other candidates skirt around or ignore when trying to scare the shit out of us on the drug issue.

Herman Cain says that an insecure border is a threat. What about an insecure candidate, Mr. Cain? He also says that terrorists are coming in from Mexico. Cain  adds that Mexicans feel Mexico has failed, so that is why they come here. I think Cain’s talking points came off of the last piece of toilet paper he used because he’s just talking out of his ass and contributing nothing to the debate on this subject.

Rick Santorum is asked about how we should welcome immigrants. He goes on some wannabe-Reagan rant about shining cities and hills and luck dragons that shit marshmallows. He says something about the economic benefits of legal immigration but he has a hard time commanding my attention.

On the subject, Newt says that we need to attach visas to college degrees in order to keep the good students in America, which will benefit our country. Bachmann states that she is against amnesty and the DREAM Act. Newt responds by saying that we should not punish someone who came to America at 3 years of age that just wants to work to better this country and their own life. Uh oh, the GOPers are getting uneasy, as Newt’s stance does not sit well with the majority of the right-wing crowd. Bachmann tries to battle back at Newt but offers nothing. She tries to do some math but her made-up examples and figures don’t even add up.

Mitt Romney says that amnesty is a magnet. He does say however that he would staple a green card to the diploma of those with great brains. He then goes on to talk about his love of legal immigration and how we should promote the path to citizenship better.

Gingrich says that we cant punish people who have been living here for a quarter of a century, as they have ties to our country, expanded families, etc. Newt makes it clear that we must be humane in enforcing the immigration laws. I fully agree with this point. Sorry conservatives but Newt is right on this one and I know it eats away at many of you. How can you expect to rip someone away from their life and ship them back to a land that they haven’t been a part of for over a quarter of a century?

Herman Cain is asked if he would implement a no fly zone over Syria, he says no. He adds that we have to find a way to get our allies to stop buying Syrian oil. Cain states, “We must have a strong military.” He also says that we must grow the economy. He’s all over the place and he’s boring me at this point. Thank fuck we didn’t get “NINE! NINE! NINE!”every 12.3 seconds this debate.

Rick Perry says that we must make Syria a no fly zone because it would be a huge sanction against them and would keep them in line. Yep, and just like with other examples given, if someone were to do to the U.S. what the U.S. is proposing to do to others, we would view it as an act of war. Rick Perry claims that Syria is in a partnership with Iran in exporting terrorism.

In regards to recent relations with the Middle East, Jon Huntsman says the president has failed with the Arab Spring. He proclaims that we have to remind the rest of the world what it means to be an ally of the United States. Huntsman says that sanctions are not going to work because China and Russia wont play ball that way. He warns that we need to let history be our guide because too often we jump on the side with people we havent had enough time to understand and each time it has ultimately backfired on us.

On terrorism, Dr. Paul says that Al-Qaeda was inspired by the fact that we had bases in Saudi Arabia. He said that all we need to do to inspire them is to just meddle in their area. Paul calls a no fly zone an act of war, he asks what would happen if China forced a no fly zone on us, that is exactly what I’ve been saying! Paul says that we can’t do anything to a country that we wouldn’t want them to do to us. Paul asks, “Why don’t we mind our own business?” Yeah, why the fuck don’t we?

Mitt Romney says that America isn’t just another nation with a flag, it’s something more exceptional than that. He says that a strong military and economy will make sure that no one fucks with us. Romney states that he is not for imposing a no fly zone on Syria.

Rick Perry follows up Mitt by saying that we’ve got to get serious about helping Israel. Ok buddy, we’ve helped them way more than we’ve ever needed to. In fact, we are part of their problem. Lets just let them do their thing. Perry also says that we have to get real serious about Iran and Syria. I thought Texas didn’t scare easily?

In the closing statements, the candidates are asked if they have any national security worries that weren’t addressed in the debate. Santorum says that we need to worry about Central and South America as they are made up of militant socialist regimes with ties to radical Islam. Ron Paul worries about overreaction on our part and people not understanding who the Taliban is and their true motivation. Rick Perry worries about communist Red China and their forced abortions and cyber attacks. Romney worries about China too as well as Iran being a nuclear power. Mitt is also worried a little bit about Latin America. Cain worries about cyberattacks and bad pizza. Gingrich is worried about WMDs, as well as electromagnetic pulse attacks and cyberattacks. Bachmann is worried about constipation, Al-Shabaab and intelligent debate. Jon Huntsman is worried about China but says they are in for real trouble in the future. Huntsman says that our real threat is our problems at home.

In the end, this debate was good for the fact that it showed were a lot of these people stand on these issues. Where many of these candidates agree on most of the fiscal issues, the subject of national security shows that many of them are still just chips off of the old establishment block.

Grading Scale:
Grade A: Ron Paul
Grade B+: Jon Huntsman
Grade C-: Newt Gingrich
Grade D+: Mitt Romney
Grade D: Rick Perry
Grade D: Herman Cain
Grade F: Rick Santorum
Grade F: Michele Bachmann
Grade I: Gary Johnson

*Written by Rob Rimes.

We are practically 30 debates in and we still have like 120 left. There are so many now that I have to date the debates in the article title. I can no longer write early, mid or late before the month. It’s only the 9th of November and this is the second debate just this month. We still have at least three more in November alone. There is actually another one in just three days. It’s maddening and it is getting to the point where chronicling all these GOP shit shows is taking a lot more time than I ever anticipated. At the end of the day, I do actually like writing about them and bringing you, the reader, my extended two cents. It’s just time consuming and intrusive to my life when I work more than full-time and party on top of that every waken moment. But whatevs, I’m out of mini bottles of Seven Tiki at the moment, so I guess it’s time to direct my attention at something much more important.

This debate was pretty good overall, other than the typical lack of time given to Ron Paul. However, Ron Paul, when given time, was on his goddamned A game! He was hotter in this debate than any other. His answers were on point and exacting. I think in the eyes of the standard Fox News watching conservative viewer, he may have gained some points simply for the fact that this debate was strictly economic. This allowed Paul to hit some home runs without being scrutinized every other question like when the talk of the moment is foreign policy. Not that Paul is wrong on foreign policy, he is dead right but conservatives refuse to accept reason, logic or common sense and instead continue down the path of repetitive stupidity and fear-mongering when it comes to handling our “enemies”. Anyway, this is about the debate, not conservative idiosyncrasies.

CNBC hits us weakly with their subpar video introduction which makes note of the fact that the debate is all about economics and that it is in Michigan, in the backyard of the companies that received the auto industry bailouts. Thanks for cluing us in and reminding us that Detroit is in fact in Michigan. CNBC, after the intro, lets us know that there will be no opening and closing statements, as they want to dedicate more time to the debate. Well that’s nice of them! We can’t have Bachmann wasting five minutes on telling us how her 18,371st foster kid Bruce whittled a recorder out of oak with a wolverine’s broken jaw bone. It is probably worth noting that Michigan native Romney got the loudest pop from the crowd during the brief introductions.

The moderators for this debate were pretty decent and straightforward for the most part, although this was overshadowed by the fact that they had Jim Cramer from “Mad Money” on the panel. This guy is a fucking dickwad that claims to be a real capitalist while calling for more regulations and other ridiculous bullshit. Not only that but Cramer is just a loud obnoxious moron that sounds like he is cutting a wrestling promo against his opponent whenever he asks a question. Having Jim Cramer as a debate moderator is like having the Ultimate Warrior read children’s stories after he rubbed angeldust on his gums. He’s a about as colorful, as scary and as unfunny as a clown’s dick. I’d rather have CNN’s John King throat gurgle through the entire debate than listen to Cramer ask even one question.

Another thing worth noting, moderator Steve Liesman looks like Todd Packard from “The Office”.

I’m going to start off with Rick Santorum, just to get him out of the way. Per usual, he was ineffective and barely noticeable in this sea of shitpickles. His inclusion in these debates has gone beyond just being a joke and has gotten to the point that he is wasting everyone’s time, even his own. He needs to graciously bow out and just support whomever he feels he needs to latch onto to stay somewhat relevant. Problem is, Santorum staying relevant is like a stripper staying on the night shift after her 30th birthday.

It’s hard to even pay attention to Santorum, as he just spews his relgiotarded nonsense to the point that even the relgiotards aren’t listening anymore. His poll numbers are dismal and if Gary Johnson isn’t invited to most of these, Santorum shouldn’t be either. The same could be said for Jon Huntsman but I’ll get to him in a sec.

All I learned from Racquetball Rick this round is that he was a coal miner’s daughter. There was talk of Jesus and tennis but none of that really funny whining and crying he is synonymous with. Although when Ron Paul and some others were touting health savings accounts, Santorum said that he has been on that train for years and that he pretty much invented them. When everyone is asked about Obamacare, he is the only one without a real answer, as he just uses his time to boast about all the things he has done for health care. None of these things were really solutions, they were just attempts to build up and reinforce his wobbly house of cards with an empty hand. And that’s it for Santorum. He contributed nothing except his douchenugget dorkdick smile.

Jon Huntsman, another ding dong that needs to bow out was at least a bit more engaging than Santorum. At least a few of his answers and points come to mind when looking back, where Santorum gave us nothing.

The first thing Huntsman said that is worthy of a mention is that banks that are too big to fail will cause economic contagion. He also said that he is the president of the 99% but also the president of the 1% because he was going to unify everyone. People aren’t Voltron lions dude; they don’t just come together in times of need. He also said that spending $68 billion on bank bailouts was wrong. No shit cockwart! Huntsman also says that the government needs to charge extra fees to bailed out banks to alleviate the burden shoved onto the taxpayers.

As for Obamacare, Jon Huntsman says that as president, he would sit down with all the state governors and work out state specific health care options. Huh? WTF? Are you meeting with all of them at once or on a one-on-one basis? Cause this shit could take a while homie and we ain’t got the time! I guess it’s better than spending 90% of your time playing fucking golf though. Huntsman promises to find a solution to the high cost of health care. He needs to elaborate on this but really that’s just a waste as there are far simpler options.

On Mitt Romney’s plan to deal with China, which will be touched on here in a bit, Huntsman says that it isn’t a real solution and that he is just pandering. I’m assuming he means that Mitt is pandering to the crowd because I feel the same way. Mitt claims China is manipulating currency but Huntsman points out the the U.S. is manipulating its own currency with quantitative easing. Huntsman then goes on a rant about oatmeal and swords or something and that’s it.

Michele Bachmann was her typical self and just like a throwback to mainstream media Palin bashing, I have to point out this lady’s poor fashion choice. Basically her jacket was the exact same jacket Dr. No wore in his self-titled film “Dr. No”. Granted that was a James Bond movie, but Dr. No jacked the film title like Bachmann jacked Dr. No’s jacket. In any event, I could’ve sworn I saw Bachmann wiping 007′s blood off of her sleeve when she thought the camera wasn’t on her. Sorry, this makes Bachmann bashing too easy but it is hard to knock the guys fashion sense since they all were dapper suits. Being a woman in politics must suck because of assholes like me. Whatever, just stop dressing like a high-ranking member of SPECTRE and I’ll shut up.

Bachmann once again proves that she is just too fucking nice when the moderators give her a the perfect opportunity to go after Romney. She praises him and then switches to her standard Obama-bashing rhetoric. We’ve heard the catchphrases a few thousand times now lady. All I know is that she compared taxes to Happy Meals or something. Um dude, Happy Meals are happy, taxes are sad. I’m not following you.

When asked another question, she doesn’t really answer it. She just informs us, who are apparently clueless, on how Obama is doing it wrong. Well what is the right way lady? People who are supporting this woman are just supporting senseless substance-less Obama-bashing without any real answers, solutions or fixes. Bachmann calls Obama policy “lunacy”. Yes, she described something as “lunacy” and she wasn’t even looking in the mirror.

Michele Bachmann then warns us that the Chinese live in the Pentagon’s computers. I can understand that since the country is very heavily populated and they might want some peace and quiet from the hustle and bustle of Chinese life. Bachmann also points out that they are building secret tunnels to hide weapons and snacks. She says that the American taxpayers are the ones paying for it as we keep borrowing from China. Wait.. have we been paying them back? Damn! Well I want a ride on the Chinese aircraft carrier then!

Bachmann doesn’t say anything else. Well, she does but I have a hard time with my idiocy filter on. Yes, I am probably too hard on her but she is another candidate like Huntsman and Santorum, as she is just wasting everyone’s time. These debates would be so much better if we trimmed the fat. It’s about time for this to start happening. And unless she has some more concert tickets to give away for straw poll votes, her campaign is doomed at this point.

Another candidate that should definitely hang’m up, especially after this debate, is Texas Governor Rick Perry. This debate was career suicide for Perry and as much as I severely dislike this guy, I almost felt sorry for him. The biggest fuck up in debate history that I can remember came when Rick Perry went to tell us the three government agencies he would eliminate. After he listed the first two, his mind drew a 53 second blank on the third. The extremely awkward moment was capped off by him staring at the moderators completely dumbfounded until he uttered, “Oops”. The fact that he can’t even remember the basis for a huge part of his platform is fucking scary!

See for yourself:

Knocking Rick Perry on this is just too easy and the world has given him enough heat already. He’s still an asshole in my eyes and always will be but damn, I’d be surprised if he could win a fourth term as Texas Governor at this point.

There are some other notable Perry moments from the evening. The first is when Perry sends a message to the big banks when he says, “If you are too big too fail, you are too big.” M’kay? Perry then spends time pimping out his tax plan and other ideas he has, it only took him months to get his shit together and give us something. All previous debates were sprinkled with, “I’m working on it! You’ll see it soon at RickPerry.com! Yeeeeeehaaaaaw!!! (accompanied with gunfire)”.

Perry also goes on about how America needs to get energy going. He tells us that regulations are killing America. He then gives props to Santorum, thus giving the audience a little Rick on Rick love. I bet Santorum gives Perry tennis lessons.

When it comes to the Obamacare questions, Rick Perry says that people need to be given a “menu of options”. He says, “Doctors need to be given incentives on health care rather than sick care.”

He then goes on about how he created a job creation climate in Texas with no regulatory strangulation. He says that his tax plan will help balance the budget in 2020. Yeah bro, that’s like 8 years away. Is this so that you don’t have to answer to critics when your plan fails because just by chance, if you became president, and even won a second term, this would be at the very tail end of your eight year lease in the White House. 2020 is not today, we need a fix now!

Perry goes on a tangent about how universities need to be forced to be more efficient. Okay sir, did you get that idea from Hugo Chavez? Perry then closes out his portion of the debate by bitching about the corruption caused by corporate lobbyists. As he says this, he pauses to check his Wells Fargo app on his iPhone to make sure that check from Merck cleared.

The time thief Mitt Romney was successful at monopolizing every moment he could once again. I don’t blame Mr. Mittens however, as CNBC, just like Fox News, CNN and MSNBC, spent more time asking Romney questions than anyone else. I think Mitt alone gets about 30-40% of the time in these debates. That’s the mainstream media for ya though, proppin’ up their fancy handpicked golden boys.

Romney is first asked if the United States should bailout the European Union. The fact that the moderators even ask this question is proof at how many dumbasses work under the NBC banner. Romney says that the EU can take care of their own problems and that we don’t need to bail them out. Romney goes on to say that Europe needs to take care of their own problems and the United States shouldn’t be bailing out our own banks let alone Europe’s. I can’t disagree with that. When pressed however, Romney admits that he supports the World Bank and the IMF. Yep, I knew he couldn’t give a good statement without finding a way to fuck it up. After this, Mitt claims that he saved the Olympics. From what dude? Did the Skrulls attack or something?

Mitt’s had some other noteworthy quips and I’m not referring to the little swirl at the top of Dairy Queen products. Mitt said that we need profitable businesses that can hire people and the current administration is failing at this. He also says that we need to simplify the tax code but we need to lower taxes first. When asked about Obamacare, he says that health care should be a state issue. He also agrees with Ron Paul’s point that we need to push health savings accounts. Mitt also said that people need the broadest array of health care options.

In the second hour, Romney goes on to explain that Obama is only focused on his re-election. Apparently Romney needs to re-focus on his hair because it’s starting to melt under those hot lights. Maybe his hair is wax! He’s really just some weird bald guy under there!

Disregarding his wax sculpture, Mitt tells us that he promises to not raise taxes and that he will cut spending dramatically. Funny, because Reason Magazine analyzed Mitt’s fix-it plan and discovered that his “cuts” would actually expand the federal budget (read this).

Mr. Romney then tells us a spooky tale about the Chinese boogeyman. He states that he believes in free trade but not with China because they are evil. Actually he calls them “predatory” about a dozen times over the course of two minutes. Mitt says that China is hacking our computers and manipulating our currency. This causes Huntsman to butt in with the QE comment I referenced earlier. All I hear is “I love free trade but..” and “I love free trade but..” Mitt is a doublethinker and doublespeaker. Mitt’s solution in dealing with China is to assault them with tariffs. Yep, great idea ass bastard.

In the shadow of his sexual harassment circus, Herman Cain tried to ignore the media assault in an effort to see if he could fit the slogan “Nine.. nine.. nine” in the debate 999 times. I think he succeeded. In all seriousness, I’m fucking tired of this goddamned slogan and the people en masse are vehemently opposed to this plan. Then again, there are still a shit ton of Cain Brains supporting this inexperienced hack, who quotes Pokemon, can’t answer tough questions and often admits he spoke without thinking. With all of his weaknesses and with it being incredibly apparent that his inexperience is a major hinderance, this guy is still polling insanely well. Well, lets look at Herman Cain Superstar and his performance this debate.

All things considered, with all the shit he has been put through the last few weeks, Mr. Cain did pretty well overall. That is, if you’re into his flavor of Tea. For starters, he gets the first question and being the show starter he tells us that “We must assure our currency is sound.” That’s laugh-out-loud funny coming from a Federal Reserve insider that spends a lot of his time defending and pimping the most tyrannical institution in our country’s history.

Even though the moderators said the debate was to be focused on economics, the NBC-paid moderators are quick to question Cain’s character over the sexual harassment allegations. Cain brushes off the bullshit attempt to catch him in a “gotcha” question. The crowd erupts when Cain essentially says “I did not sleep with that young intern (or the other women either)!” They asked Cain if voters care about character. Cain responded by saying that voters don’t care about character assassination.

The next time Cain is questioned, he malfunctions (or does he) and starts chanting “Nine.. nine.. nine.. nine.. nine.. nine.. nine..” over and over. He says that his solution is the only solution to the tax problem. Sure, if you believe hype and pro-Federal Reserve rhetoric. When challenged, once again, at how his plan could possibly stay at the rates of 9-9-9 with government being government, Mr. Cain said that it is transparent and that Americans will make politicians keep the rates at 9. ROFLMFAO! Yeah, just like Americans have been able to get those Tea Party Republicans to balance the budget and solve our economic woes as they promised before the 2010 midterm elections. C’mon people, unless we’re going to start cloning Ron Paul, Rand Paul and Justin Amash, all we’re ever going to get is full of shit candidates like everyone else. Maybe Cain just assumes that Republicans and Democrats are never going to hold office again. But wait.. he’s a Republican, so never mind.

Cain spends almost every other question finding a way to insert “nine.. nine.. nine..” in his answers. When he doesn’t say “nine.. nine.. nine..” he says “I have a bold solution” and then winks nine times.

When not shoving the number nine down our throats like the Count on Sesame Street, he does give us some substance. For instance, after referring to Nancy Pelosi as “Princess Nancy”, Cain tells us that the solution to Obamacare is to pass H.R. 3000. Wait, didn’t Cain say he wouldn’t sign any bill longer than three pages? Well H.R. 3000 is 270 pages. Maybe he meant he’ll sign every three pages. If that’s the case, he’ll have to sign H.R. 3000 into law 90 times! Seems like a waste of BIC SoftFeel Retractable Ballpoint Pens. I need to read up on H.R. 3000 but it seems like crap to me.

Towards the end of the debate, Cain actually talks in rhyme a few times. C’mon dude, really? We need a fucking president man! Are you running for the highest office in the land or are you auditioning for the role of Roadblock in the next “G.I. Joe” movie? FYI bro, the role was given to The Rock.

One thing is for certain, Cain is on to something. Every single time I heard the number nine, I felt a pain in my stomach and the need to drop a shit. I have a feeling that the 999 Plan is the long lost key to discovering the legendary brown note.

Now I’ve got to talk about Cain’s sweetheart, Newt Gingrich. Rumor has it that they were holding hands, when the camera wasn’t on them. Newt’s doesn’t care though, Newt doesn’t give a shit. Honey Badger comes out with a bang and with the first question asked him, his answer receives the loudest pop of the night. Not even because it was a great answer, it was just typical Newt. It was how he said it that got the reaction. Newt, who was considered “dead on arrival” by all the expert pundits when he entered the race, is now the hottest muthafucka in the streets since that time Nas dropped his Jay-Z diss track “Ether” back in 2001. Newt’s proving that he’s Stillmatic.

Out the gate, Newt calls the results of Ben Bernanke’s policies “wreckage”. Newt’s right but I love how all these conservatives are loudly applauding Newt’s criticism of the Federal Reserve when he’s just recycling the same talking points Ron Paul has been using for decades. Yet, conservatives still can’t see that Ron Paul IS the solution. Nope, but they’ll continue to jack his policy points and call him crazy.

Some Newt highlights are when he challenges the Occupy Movement by asking if Bill Gates and Henry Ford were a part of the 1% or the 99% when they started out. Point being, the 99% can make something of themselves if they try. The moderators try to “gotcha” Newt a few times but these people are just like the buzzing of flies to him. He treats “gotchas” like steak and devours the fuck out of them! Newt bashes Dodd-Frank and says that if you want the housing to come back, that the economy must come back first.

When his turn comes up on the Obamacare issue, Newt says that it is a state issue and that we need to focus on brain science. He also uses the moment to challenge Obama to a 3 hour Lincoln-Douglas style debate on health care. While that would be great, Obama would never accept the offer because he knows he’d get destroyed like Apollo Creed in “Rocky IV”.

Other Newt Points include him pimping out the Chilean model for social security and letting the world know that college is not a right therefore tuition isn’t free. In the end, Newt just kills it. Like I’ve said again and again, I don’t agree with several of his points but he has the skill and the fire to run the show, more so than anyone else on that stage. However Dr. Paul is still the best all around, which brings me to him.

Ron Paul had his best debate yet; he keeps getting better and better. I hope he keeps gaining steam through January. Truthfully, it was pretty fortunate for him that this debate was strictly economic. It allowed him to hit his economic points without having to defend himself from confused conservatives that don’t “get” his crazy stance on foreign policy.

Ron Paul says that our debt is unsustainable and that we need to liquify it. He says that our current actions are just prolonging our agony and that drastic changes must be made quickly. He calls spending a disease and points out that spending in and of itself is a tax. He promises to work towards eliminating the income tax altogether by cutting a trillion dollars from the budget each year and curing our fiscal idiocy. Paul also promises that he will try to combat price fixing. He says that the market should determine interest rates. He basically gets a “fuck the Fed” in there without actually saying it.

With Obamacare, Ron Paul says that we have to get the government out of medicine. He is the first to bring up medical savings accounts, which gets support from Mitt Romney.

On education, one of the moderators points out that students loan debt is near a trillion dollars and that Americans owe more in tuition debt than credit card debt. She also points out that college seniors have more than $25,000 in debt on average. A video is then played about how tuition rates have increased by 428% since 1990. The moderator then refreshes us on the fact that Ron Paul has said that he wants to get rid of the Department of Education. She then asks, without the DOE, how would he make college more affordable. Ron Paul points out to the idiot moderator that her argument proved that the Department of Education is obviously ineffective and a total failure. Dr. Paul then points out to the moderator that was so sure of her stupid argument, that the quality of education has gone down, the cost has gone up because of inflation and students are essentially getting ripped off and the burden is falling on the taxpayer. Ron Paul then makes sure that everyone knows, which they already should, that the Constitution does not give the federal government the authority to be involved in education.

Ron Paul is asked if he thinks that Rick Perry is a crony capitalist. Ron Paul refuses to answer the question and says that people in this country need to understand the difference between capitalism and crony capitalism as many don’t. With that, the debate is over with about ten minutes to spare on the clock.

Luckily for us there were no fights like the last big debate. I mean, that shit was entertaining but in the end, it just took away from the meat and potatoes and made the candidates involved in the bitch and whine fests look like bitches and whiners. This debate just flowed so nice and CNBC did a decent job. Well that is except for including that over-caffeinated freak Jim Cramer. I thought homeboy’s heart was going to explode a few times.

In the end, nothing really changed, everyone looks like they always do. Paul and Newt were on fire, everyone else was typical. Like I said, a couple of these people need to realize that it is time to step the fuck off.

I missed Gary Johnson, as always, but he was tweeting during the debates and in one of his tweets he texted, “I will be proposing a 43 percent reduction in federal spending. 1.5 trillion dollar reduction in federal spending.” God I hope so! He just upped the ante on Ron Paul by half a trillion! If they are going to waste our time with Santorum, Huntsman and Bachmann then Gary Johnson should at least get some time. Ah well, fuck these debate organizers.

Grading Scale:
Grade A+: Ron Paul
Grade A: Newt Gingrich
Grade C: Mitt Romney
Grade C-: Herman Cain
Grade D: Michele Bachmann
Grade D-: Jon Huntsman
Grade F: Rick Santorum
Grade F: Rick Perry
Grade I: Gary Johnson

*Written by Rob Rimes.

This debate was by far the most unique one yet. Unique doesn’t mean good however as it was also by far the worst debate. In reality, it wasn’t even a debate it was practically a dick sucking contest between the candidates. I don’t mean that to sound completely disrespectful to them but to have the unique format of a Lincoln-Douglas style debate and to select the two candidates who are nearly identical on policy is just fucking stupid.

Now to be fair, I’m not sure how this came to be and why only Gingrich and Cain were a part of this debate but for the sake of not boring the audience to death, the participants should of at least been at odds with each other somewhat. This just came across like two buddies agreeing with each other’s points and then adding their own two cents on top of it to help sell the idea to the public. I almost feel as if these two are in cahoots and plan on being running mates regardless of which of these two could get the nomination (assuming it won’t be Romney, Perry or Paul).

To start, this debate was poorly put together and it came off like an extremely bad public access talk show. The technical problems were horrendous and inexcusable. The microphones echoed for the first five-to-ten minutes and it took them forever to get that taken care of and when they did, Newt’s mic was then fucked up and spewing white noise which just pissed me off as it reminded me of that super shitty Michael Keaton movie where he got chased by CGI shadows.

They had to actually hand Gingrich a regular mic as they couldn’t get his shirt mic fixed and the replacement one had problems too! Jesus George Jetson Christ C-SPAN, just fire your fucking sound engineer already! Well, maybe it was the sound guy for the Texas Tea Party, I don’t know. Either way, that guy shouldn’t even be working a toll booth on the NAFTA Superhighway! Truth be told, I believe Herman Cain sabotaged Newt’s mic before the debate by sexually harassing it.

This debate was moderated but the moderators sucked ass. One of them was a congressman named Steven King. His name was spelled differently than the legendary writer but he did bring just as much horror. The other moderator’s name wasn’t even worth remembering as he was pretty much non-existent the entire night. Steven King however, forced us to sit through 8 minutes of his boring pro-Paul Ryan speech where he went through a bunch of Paul Ryan-esque slides that made me feel like I was in some shitty middle school economics class. Fuck that dude, just get to the debate.

So after the shitty economics presentation and the mic issues, we FINALLY get into the meat of the debate. Then again, I find myself distracted because now the sound coming out of the television is filled with a loud buzzing noise! Newt’s talking and I can’t pay attention because a thousand invisible bees are swarming around my head trying to turn it into a goddamned hive! Wait.. what did you say Newt? Well, I don’t know but Herman Cain responds to it with, “I completely agree but let me add this..” Fuck that man! That was exactly how the entire night went. It was like the world’s nicest rap battle!

In a nutshell, one guy would answer a question and the other would agree 95% of the time and just add in their talking points to help solidify their opponents argument. I swear to Jesus that these two guys have more mutual man love for one another than Antoine and Blaine from “In Living Color”. It’s as if they have already decided to run together and they are just using this facade of a “debate” to get their platform over to the public on this 90 minute forum that was essentially created by the Texas Tea Party to allow them to do so. This is all a ruse! Albeit a clever clever ruse.

I didn’t learn anything new from this debate because all they did is rehash the exact same talking points they’ve been pounding over our heads throughout all the previous debates. I was a bit disappointed that the subject of the Federal Reserve did not come up because that is one issue where their stances differ.

Newt wants to audit the fucker and Cain is a Fed insider that continually protects and defends the most tyrannical institution this country has ever done business with. I was secretly hoping Newt would call out Cain on it and the debate would’ve evolved into something with more substance. Nope, didn’t happen because it would’ve created a rift between the two debaters that are seemingly unified on the issues. I really want to see a Lincoln-Douglas styled debate featuring Cain and Ron Paul. Lets air some shit out! Fuck this 90 minute Cain-Gingrich 2012 infomercial!

Just for shits and giggles I’ll give you a brief rundown of what these guys were pimping out. Cain is for a loser pays law to help eliminate the high cost of health care. Both men support the Paul Ryan plan. Newt served Bill Gates’ dad. Both men are for optional personal retirement plans for youngsters who are being raped by Social Security, which they will never get. Cain mentions the 999 Plan, Newt says he won’t acknowledge it this debate. Newt supports the Green Bay Packers. Newt also just nails it every time he’s got the mic. It is worth noting that towards the end Newt got a pretty big standing O. The crowd was digging Gingrich.

The most memorable thing though, was when Cain asked Gingrich a question which basically implied that Newt was going to be the VP under POTUS Cain. The crowd laughed and Cain proved that he was the funnier of the two but America needs the best leader, not the funniest candidate.

I wish I could give you more analysis but as I said, they just recycled everything we’ve all already heard a dozen times. The moderation sucked because these three-to-five minute answers were just drawn out, boring and wasted too much time. We spent a half hour on an issue that should’ve only taken five-to-ten minutes. This debate style kind of sucks and I understand why it is archaic and no longer used. Then again, maybe it would’ve worked better if the candidates featured weren’t butt buddies. Who knows? In the end, I wasted 90 minutes of my life. At this point, I should’ve just known that it was going to be an ass parade.

I can only pray that if they ever do another 1-on-1 debate that they pick Rick Perry and Mitt Romney and shove those two hair models into the octagon. Wishful thinking I guess but damn it this is America and I want to see some blood!

Grading Scale:
Grade C: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Herman Cain
Grade I: Ron Paul
Grade I: Mitt Romeny
Grade I: Rick Perry
Grade I: Rick Santorum
Grade I: Michele Bachmann
Grade I: Jon Huntsman
Grade I: Gary Johnson

Here’s my favorite clip from the debate: