Highlights:

Interview:

On Thursday night, the four remaining GOP presidential candidates squared off in Jacksonville in the second of two Florida debates, hosted by CNN and moderated by Wolf Blitzer.  While much of the debate time was again wasted on callow rhetoric between neo-con candidates Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, Congressman Ron Paul indoctrinated the audience with principled lessons on liberty and the proper role of government.

Paul showcased his brand of non-interventionist foreign policy in a series of exchanges with former senator Rick Santorum.  These exchanges provided crystal clear contrasts in opposing political philosophies from which voters much choose. Each time that Paul and Santorum sparred over foreign policy, the Texas congressman pummeled the feeble foundations of Santorum’s unprincipled ideologies and tutored his opponents on the basics of the US Constitution (that pesky, outdated thing they would have to swear to uphold if elected president).

Wolf Blitzer addressed the following question to Congressman Paul:

“What would you do as president to more deeply engage in Latin America and, more importantly, to support the governments and political parties that support democracy and free markets?”

To which Paul responded:

“I think free trade is the answer.  Free trade is the answer to a lot of conflicts around the world. And you might add Cuba too.  I think we’d be a lot better off trading with Cuba. But as far as us having a military or financial obligation to go down and dictate what government they should have?  I don’t like that idea.  I would support the people by encouraging free trade and trying to set a standard that countries in Central and South America – or anywhere in the world – would want to emulate.”

“Unfortunately, sometimes we slip up on our standards and we go around the world and we try to force ourselves on others.  I don’t think the nations in Central and South America necessarily want us to come down there and dictate which government they should have.  I believe that with friendship and with trade you can have a strong influence.”

Congressman Paul’s answer reflected both his moral character as well as his deep understanding of constitutional foreign policy as intended by the Founding Fathers.  Thomas Paine, the author of Common Sense, is often credited as the original patriot to strongly inject into American politics the notion of non-interventionism.  He argued in Common Sense of the need for the new nation to avoid the formation of alliances with other nations.

Later, groundwork for official non-interventionist foreign policies was laid by President George Washington.  In his farewell address, President Washington said:

“The great rule of conduct for us, in regard to foreign nations, is in extending our commercial relations, to have with them as little political connection as possible. Europe has a set of primary interests, which to us have none, or a very remote relation. Hence she must be engaged in frequent controversies the causes of which are essentially foreign to our concerns. Hence, therefore, it must be unwise in us to implicate ourselves, by artificial ties, in the ordinary vicissitudes of her politics, or the ordinary combinations and collisions of her friendships or enmities.”

The primary author of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson, promoted non-interventionism during his tenure as the third president of the United States.  In his 1801 inaugural address, he advocated “peace, commerce, and honest friendship with all nations, entangling alliances with none.”

Still later, President James Monroe proclaimed the “Monroe Doctrine” – a non-interventionist policy.  He said, “In the wars of the European powers, in matters relating to themselves, we have never taken part, nor does it comport with our policy, so to do. It is only when our rights are invaded, or seriously menaced that we resent injuries, or make preparations for our defense.”

Congressman Paul’s recommendation that the United States engage in free trade with all nations, avoid entangling alliances and refrain from meddling in the internal affairs of other countries conforms to the foreign policy traditions of those wise men who founded our great nation.

Rick Santorum couldn’t stand in greater opposition to the Founders if he tried.  Wolf Blizter asked, “Senator Santorum, are you with Congressman Paul?”

“Uh, no – I’m not with Congressman Paul and I’m not with Barack Obama on this issue.”

Santorum then began a tirade about the politics of Honduras.  He expressed outrage that the United States wasn’t “standing behind the [Honduran] people in the parliament and in their supreme court who tried to enforce the constitution of Honduras.”

Wait.  Did Rick Santorum just suggest that the government of the United States should be trying to involve itself in the enforcement of the Honduran constitution?  Yes he did.  He also railed against the United States for “not standing up for our friends in Colombia… not standing up for our friends who engage and support America who want to be great trading partners – who want to be able to form that kind of bond that is so essential in our own hemisphere.”

Santorum’s foreign policy position is completely at odds with that of the Founders.  He advocates selective trade only with those nations that are allied with America, which is why he opposes free trade with countries like Cuba.  He also advocates the kinds of “entangling alliances” of which Jefferson warned.

If Ron Paul’s derives his foreign policy positions from the wisdom of the Founding Fathers – from whence does Rick Santorum find support for his own ideas?  Santorum provided that answer in his debate dialogue. Santorum looks to Europe – the distant political sphere in which President George Washington warned America against becoming involved. Specifically, Santorum pointed to the European Union – that great bastion of stability – as the example his foreign policy would try to emulate. Santorum said:

“The European Union understood how important it was for diverse people to be able to come together in an economic unit. We not only have to come together as an economic unit [with Central and South America], but the threat of terrorism – the threat of Iran in Venezuela and other places and in Cuba and in Nicaragua – the threat of radical Islam growing in that region… it is absolutely important for us to have a president who understands that threat and understands that solution.”

After Santorum finished by saying that, as president, he would frequently visit Central and South America to solidify alliances with select countries, Wolf Blitzer invited Congressman Paul to respond.  Paul said,

“The senator mentions ‘standing up’ for some of these nations, but he doesn’t define that.  Standing up for nations like this usually means that we impose ourselves, go and pick the dictators, undermine certain governments and also by sending them a lot of money.  It doesn’t work.  Most of the time, this backfires and they resent us.  We can achieve what he wants in a much different way than us using the bully attitude that ‘you will do it our way’. Besides, where are you going to get the troops and the money?  Because you are talking about force – and I know of a much better way than force to get along with people.”

Santorum responded,

“I don’t know what answer Congressman Paul was listening to.  He obviously wasn’t listening to my answer. What I talked about was building strong economic and national security relationships. Nobody’s talking about force! Colombia is out there on the front lines against the narco-terrorists and standing up to Chavez in South America! And what did we do? For political purposes the President of the United States… left Colombia hanging out to dry for three years.  We cannot do that to our friends in South America.”

One wonders how a President Santorum would join Colombia “on the front lines” against violent Colombian drug cartels without the use of force.  It should be noted that physical violence is not the only kind of force.  Harsh economic sanctions or trade embargos are also considered geo-political acts of force that can lead to all out war.  And this most certainly is what Santorum is recommending.

Later in the debate, Santorum was asked specifically about his attitude toward trade and communication with Cuba.  He said, “I would oppose it.”  He elaborated:

“The United States should stand on the side of the Cuban people against these despots and their continuing reign of terror against the people.  The idea that a president of the United States would take a cancer that is the heart of Central and South America and begin to reward behavior that has spread this cancer – because of our dilly-dallying, our inattentiveness to the problems in Central and South America – now we are going to reward the secret police that are present in Venezuela as they are in Cuba?”

“We are going to reward this type of thuggery, this type of Marxism in our region?  We are going to reward a country that is now working with these other countries to harbor and bring in Iran and the jihadists who want to bring in and set up missile sites and to set up training camps?  And we are going to reward this behavior by opening up?  This is the exact wrong message and the exact wrong time.”

Blitzer then asked Congressman Paul what he would do if Raul Castro called to speak to him as president.  Paul said:

“Well, I’d ask him what he called about.  I would ask him ‘what can we do to improve relations?’ Because I wouldn’t see them as likely to attack us.  When I was drafted in October 1962, it was a different world. There were nuclear weapons in Cuba. But today – to not talk to [Raul Castro] and see what you can work out only helps Castro and hurts the people. (Gesturing to Santorum) So as well-intentioned as these sanctions are, they almost inevitably backfire and they help the dictators and hurt the people. So it’s time to change.”

“The Cold War is over.  They are not going to invade us.  I’ve noticed the people changing their opinions in the last four or five years.  They’re not nearly as frightened.  They don’t see a jihadist under the bed every night.  I don’t worry about that.  I worry about over-reaction and over-concern and a lack of ability to talk to these people when they call you.”

Though Paul’s foreign policy ideas are often laughed at by Republicans in GOP debates, his answers on the need to engage other nations with friendship and open dialogue drew the loudest applause of the evening.  As CNN cameras panned the audience during Paul’s foreign policy responses, audience members could be seen nodding in agreement.  Ron Paul’s message is taking root.  Wherever there is thoughtful consideration of ideas, citizens find that their deepest beliefs are in alignment with Paul’s philosophies.  What’s more encouraging is that these secretly held convictions are in perfect alignment with the political principles of the Founding Fathers.  The spark of liberty has not been completely extinguished from the heart of America.

And that faint flame is why Paul will never give up hope.  With his band of loyal revolutionaries, Ron Paul intends to fan the spark of liberty back into the majestic fire of freedom that gave birth to the greatest nation on earth.

Source: Nolan Chart.

Ron Paul Highlights:

For those of thus that are Paul supporters, last night was great. He was on point and on fire, this was his best debate and it couldn’t have come at a better time.

*Written by Rob Rimes.

We are practically 30 debates in and we still have like 120 left. There are so many now that I have to date the debates in the article title. I can no longer write early, mid or late before the month. It’s only the 9th of November and this is the second debate just this month. We still have at least three more in November alone. There is actually another one in just three days. It’s maddening and it is getting to the point where chronicling all these GOP shit shows is taking a lot more time than I ever anticipated. At the end of the day, I do actually like writing about them and bringing you, the reader, my extended two cents. It’s just time consuming and intrusive to my life when I work more than full-time and party on top of that every waken moment. But whatevs, I’m out of mini bottles of Seven Tiki at the moment, so I guess it’s time to direct my attention at something much more important.

This debate was pretty good overall, other than the typical lack of time given to Ron Paul. However, Ron Paul, when given time, was on his goddamned A game! He was hotter in this debate than any other. His answers were on point and exacting. I think in the eyes of the standard Fox News watching conservative viewer, he may have gained some points simply for the fact that this debate was strictly economic. This allowed Paul to hit some home runs without being scrutinized every other question like when the talk of the moment is foreign policy. Not that Paul is wrong on foreign policy, he is dead right but conservatives refuse to accept reason, logic or common sense and instead continue down the path of repetitive stupidity and fear-mongering when it comes to handling our “enemies”. Anyway, this is about the debate, not conservative idiosyncrasies.

CNBC hits us weakly with their subpar video introduction which makes note of the fact that the debate is all about economics and that it is in Michigan, in the backyard of the companies that received the auto industry bailouts. Thanks for cluing us in and reminding us that Detroit is in fact in Michigan. CNBC, after the intro, lets us know that there will be no opening and closing statements, as they want to dedicate more time to the debate. Well that’s nice of them! We can’t have Bachmann wasting five minutes on telling us how her 18,371st foster kid Bruce whittled a recorder out of oak with a wolverine’s broken jaw bone. It is probably worth noting that Michigan native Romney got the loudest pop from the crowd during the brief introductions.

The moderators for this debate were pretty decent and straightforward for the most part, although this was overshadowed by the fact that they had Jim Cramer from “Mad Money” on the panel. This guy is a fucking dickwad that claims to be a real capitalist while calling for more regulations and other ridiculous bullshit. Not only that but Cramer is just a loud obnoxious moron that sounds like he is cutting a wrestling promo against his opponent whenever he asks a question. Having Jim Cramer as a debate moderator is like having the Ultimate Warrior read children’s stories after he rubbed angeldust on his gums. He’s a about as colorful, as scary and as unfunny as a clown’s dick. I’d rather have CNN’s John King throat gurgle through the entire debate than listen to Cramer ask even one question.

Another thing worth noting, moderator Steve Liesman looks like Todd Packard from “The Office”.

I’m going to start off with Rick Santorum, just to get him out of the way. Per usual, he was ineffective and barely noticeable in this sea of shitpickles. His inclusion in these debates has gone beyond just being a joke and has gotten to the point that he is wasting everyone’s time, even his own. He needs to graciously bow out and just support whomever he feels he needs to latch onto to stay somewhat relevant. Problem is, Santorum staying relevant is like a stripper staying on the night shift after her 30th birthday.

It’s hard to even pay attention to Santorum, as he just spews his relgiotarded nonsense to the point that even the relgiotards aren’t listening anymore. His poll numbers are dismal and if Gary Johnson isn’t invited to most of these, Santorum shouldn’t be either. The same could be said for Jon Huntsman but I’ll get to him in a sec.

All I learned from Racquetball Rick this round is that he was a coal miner’s daughter. There was talk of Jesus and tennis but none of that really funny whining and crying he is synonymous with. Although when Ron Paul and some others were touting health savings accounts, Santorum said that he has been on that train for years and that he pretty much invented them. When everyone is asked about Obamacare, he is the only one without a real answer, as he just uses his time to boast about all the things he has done for health care. None of these things were really solutions, they were just attempts to build up and reinforce his wobbly house of cards with an empty hand. And that’s it for Santorum. He contributed nothing except his douchenugget dorkdick smile.

Jon Huntsman, another ding dong that needs to bow out was at least a bit more engaging than Santorum. At least a few of his answers and points come to mind when looking back, where Santorum gave us nothing.

The first thing Huntsman said that is worthy of a mention is that banks that are too big to fail will cause economic contagion. He also said that he is the president of the 99% but also the president of the 1% because he was going to unify everyone. People aren’t Voltron lions dude; they don’t just come together in times of need. He also said that spending $68 billion on bank bailouts was wrong. No shit cockwart! Huntsman also says that the government needs to charge extra fees to bailed out banks to alleviate the burden shoved onto the taxpayers.

As for Obamacare, Jon Huntsman says that as president, he would sit down with all the state governors and work out state specific health care options. Huh? WTF? Are you meeting with all of them at once or on a one-on-one basis? Cause this shit could take a while homie and we ain’t got the time! I guess it’s better than spending 90% of your time playing fucking golf though. Huntsman promises to find a solution to the high cost of health care. He needs to elaborate on this but really that’s just a waste as there are far simpler options.

On Mitt Romney’s plan to deal with China, which will be touched on here in a bit, Huntsman says that it isn’t a real solution and that he is just pandering. I’m assuming he means that Mitt is pandering to the crowd because I feel the same way. Mitt claims China is manipulating currency but Huntsman points out the the U.S. is manipulating its own currency with quantitative easing. Huntsman then goes on a rant about oatmeal and swords or something and that’s it.

Michele Bachmann was her typical self and just like a throwback to mainstream media Palin bashing, I have to point out this lady’s poor fashion choice. Basically her jacket was the exact same jacket Dr. No wore in his self-titled film “Dr. No”. Granted that was a James Bond movie, but Dr. No jacked the film title like Bachmann jacked Dr. No’s jacket. In any event, I could’ve sworn I saw Bachmann wiping 007′s blood off of her sleeve when she thought the camera wasn’t on her. Sorry, this makes Bachmann bashing too easy but it is hard to knock the guys fashion sense since they all were dapper suits. Being a woman in politics must suck because of assholes like me. Whatever, just stop dressing like a high-ranking member of SPECTRE and I’ll shut up.

Bachmann once again proves that she is just too fucking nice when the moderators give her a the perfect opportunity to go after Romney. She praises him and then switches to her standard Obama-bashing rhetoric. We’ve heard the catchphrases a few thousand times now lady. All I know is that she compared taxes to Happy Meals or something. Um dude, Happy Meals are happy, taxes are sad. I’m not following you.

When asked another question, she doesn’t really answer it. She just informs us, who are apparently clueless, on how Obama is doing it wrong. Well what is the right way lady? People who are supporting this woman are just supporting senseless substance-less Obama-bashing without any real answers, solutions or fixes. Bachmann calls Obama policy “lunacy”. Yes, she described something as “lunacy” and she wasn’t even looking in the mirror.

Michele Bachmann then warns us that the Chinese live in the Pentagon’s computers. I can understand that since the country is very heavily populated and they might want some peace and quiet from the hustle and bustle of Chinese life. Bachmann also points out that they are building secret tunnels to hide weapons and snacks. She says that the American taxpayers are the ones paying for it as we keep borrowing from China. Wait.. have we been paying them back? Damn! Well I want a ride on the Chinese aircraft carrier then!

Bachmann doesn’t say anything else. Well, she does but I have a hard time with my idiocy filter on. Yes, I am probably too hard on her but she is another candidate like Huntsman and Santorum, as she is just wasting everyone’s time. These debates would be so much better if we trimmed the fat. It’s about time for this to start happening. And unless she has some more concert tickets to give away for straw poll votes, her campaign is doomed at this point.

Another candidate that should definitely hang’m up, especially after this debate, is Texas Governor Rick Perry. This debate was career suicide for Perry and as much as I severely dislike this guy, I almost felt sorry for him. The biggest fuck up in debate history that I can remember came when Rick Perry went to tell us the three government agencies he would eliminate. After he listed the first two, his mind drew a 53 second blank on the third. The extremely awkward moment was capped off by him staring at the moderators completely dumbfounded until he uttered, “Oops”. The fact that he can’t even remember the basis for a huge part of his platform is fucking scary!

See for yourself:

Knocking Rick Perry on this is just too easy and the world has given him enough heat already. He’s still an asshole in my eyes and always will be but damn, I’d be surprised if he could win a fourth term as Texas Governor at this point.

There are some other notable Perry moments from the evening. The first is when Perry sends a message to the big banks when he says, “If you are too big too fail, you are too big.” M’kay? Perry then spends time pimping out his tax plan and other ideas he has, it only took him months to get his shit together and give us something. All previous debates were sprinkled with, “I’m working on it! You’ll see it soon at RickPerry.com! Yeeeeeehaaaaaw!!! (accompanied with gunfire)”.

Perry also goes on about how America needs to get energy going. He tells us that regulations are killing America. He then gives props to Santorum, thus giving the audience a little Rick on Rick love. I bet Santorum gives Perry tennis lessons.

When it comes to the Obamacare questions, Rick Perry says that people need to be given a “menu of options”. He says, “Doctors need to be given incentives on health care rather than sick care.”

He then goes on about how he created a job creation climate in Texas with no regulatory strangulation. He says that his tax plan will help balance the budget in 2020. Yeah bro, that’s like 8 years away. Is this so that you don’t have to answer to critics when your plan fails because just by chance, if you became president, and even won a second term, this would be at the very tail end of your eight year lease in the White House. 2020 is not today, we need a fix now!

Perry goes on a tangent about how universities need to be forced to be more efficient. Okay sir, did you get that idea from Hugo Chavez? Perry then closes out his portion of the debate by bitching about the corruption caused by corporate lobbyists. As he says this, he pauses to check his Wells Fargo app on his iPhone to make sure that check from Merck cleared.

The time thief Mitt Romney was successful at monopolizing every moment he could once again. I don’t blame Mr. Mittens however, as CNBC, just like Fox News, CNN and MSNBC, spent more time asking Romney questions than anyone else. I think Mitt alone gets about 30-40% of the time in these debates. That’s the mainstream media for ya though, proppin’ up their fancy handpicked golden boys.

Romney is first asked if the United States should bailout the European Union. The fact that the moderators even ask this question is proof at how many dumbasses work under the NBC banner. Romney says that the EU can take care of their own problems and that we don’t need to bail them out. Romney goes on to say that Europe needs to take care of their own problems and the United States shouldn’t be bailing out our own banks let alone Europe’s. I can’t disagree with that. When pressed however, Romney admits that he supports the World Bank and the IMF. Yep, I knew he couldn’t give a good statement without finding a way to fuck it up. After this, Mitt claims that he saved the Olympics. From what dude? Did the Skrulls attack or something?

Mitt’s had some other noteworthy quips and I’m not referring to the little swirl at the top of Dairy Queen products. Mitt said that we need profitable businesses that can hire people and the current administration is failing at this. He also says that we need to simplify the tax code but we need to lower taxes first. When asked about Obamacare, he says that health care should be a state issue. He also agrees with Ron Paul’s point that we need to push health savings accounts. Mitt also said that people need the broadest array of health care options.

In the second hour, Romney goes on to explain that Obama is only focused on his re-election. Apparently Romney needs to re-focus on his hair because it’s starting to melt under those hot lights. Maybe his hair is wax! He’s really just some weird bald guy under there!

Disregarding his wax sculpture, Mitt tells us that he promises to not raise taxes and that he will cut spending dramatically. Funny, because Reason Magazine analyzed Mitt’s fix-it plan and discovered that his “cuts” would actually expand the federal budget (read this).

Mr. Romney then tells us a spooky tale about the Chinese boogeyman. He states that he believes in free trade but not with China because they are evil. Actually he calls them “predatory” about a dozen times over the course of two minutes. Mitt says that China is hacking our computers and manipulating our currency. This causes Huntsman to butt in with the QE comment I referenced earlier. All I hear is “I love free trade but..” and “I love free trade but..” Mitt is a doublethinker and doublespeaker. Mitt’s solution in dealing with China is to assault them with tariffs. Yep, great idea ass bastard.

In the shadow of his sexual harassment circus, Herman Cain tried to ignore the media assault in an effort to see if he could fit the slogan “Nine.. nine.. nine” in the debate 999 times. I think he succeeded. In all seriousness, I’m fucking tired of this goddamned slogan and the people en masse are vehemently opposed to this plan. Then again, there are still a shit ton of Cain Brains supporting this inexperienced hack, who quotes Pokemon, can’t answer tough questions and often admits he spoke without thinking. With all of his weaknesses and with it being incredibly apparent that his inexperience is a major hinderance, this guy is still polling insanely well. Well, lets look at Herman Cain Superstar and his performance this debate.

All things considered, with all the shit he has been put through the last few weeks, Mr. Cain did pretty well overall. That is, if you’re into his flavor of Tea. For starters, he gets the first question and being the show starter he tells us that “We must assure our currency is sound.” That’s laugh-out-loud funny coming from a Federal Reserve insider that spends a lot of his time defending and pimping the most tyrannical institution in our country’s history.

Even though the moderators said the debate was to be focused on economics, the NBC-paid moderators are quick to question Cain’s character over the sexual harassment allegations. Cain brushes off the bullshit attempt to catch him in a “gotcha” question. The crowd erupts when Cain essentially says “I did not sleep with that young intern (or the other women either)!” They asked Cain if voters care about character. Cain responded by saying that voters don’t care about character assassination.

The next time Cain is questioned, he malfunctions (or does he) and starts chanting “Nine.. nine.. nine.. nine.. nine.. nine.. nine..” over and over. He says that his solution is the only solution to the tax problem. Sure, if you believe hype and pro-Federal Reserve rhetoric. When challenged, once again, at how his plan could possibly stay at the rates of 9-9-9 with government being government, Mr. Cain said that it is transparent and that Americans will make politicians keep the rates at 9. ROFLMFAO! Yeah, just like Americans have been able to get those Tea Party Republicans to balance the budget and solve our economic woes as they promised before the 2010 midterm elections. C’mon people, unless we’re going to start cloning Ron Paul, Rand Paul and Justin Amash, all we’re ever going to get is full of shit candidates like everyone else. Maybe Cain just assumes that Republicans and Democrats are never going to hold office again. But wait.. he’s a Republican, so never mind.

Cain spends almost every other question finding a way to insert “nine.. nine.. nine..” in his answers. When he doesn’t say “nine.. nine.. nine..” he says “I have a bold solution” and then winks nine times.

When not shoving the number nine down our throats like the Count on Sesame Street, he does give us some substance. For instance, after referring to Nancy Pelosi as “Princess Nancy”, Cain tells us that the solution to Obamacare is to pass H.R. 3000. Wait, didn’t Cain say he wouldn’t sign any bill longer than three pages? Well H.R. 3000 is 270 pages. Maybe he meant he’ll sign every three pages. If that’s the case, he’ll have to sign H.R. 3000 into law 90 times! Seems like a waste of BIC SoftFeel Retractable Ballpoint Pens. I need to read up on H.R. 3000 but it seems like crap to me.

Towards the end of the debate, Cain actually talks in rhyme a few times. C’mon dude, really? We need a fucking president man! Are you running for the highest office in the land or are you auditioning for the role of Roadblock in the next “G.I. Joe” movie? FYI bro, the role was given to The Rock.

One thing is for certain, Cain is on to something. Every single time I heard the number nine, I felt a pain in my stomach and the need to drop a shit. I have a feeling that the 999 Plan is the long lost key to discovering the legendary brown note.

Now I’ve got to talk about Cain’s sweetheart, Newt Gingrich. Rumor has it that they were holding hands, when the camera wasn’t on them. Newt’s doesn’t care though, Newt doesn’t give a shit. Honey Badger comes out with a bang and with the first question asked him, his answer receives the loudest pop of the night. Not even because it was a great answer, it was just typical Newt. It was how he said it that got the reaction. Newt, who was considered “dead on arrival” by all the expert pundits when he entered the race, is now the hottest muthafucka in the streets since that time Nas dropped his Jay-Z diss track “Ether” back in 2001. Newt’s proving that he’s Stillmatic.

Out the gate, Newt calls the results of Ben Bernanke’s policies “wreckage”. Newt’s right but I love how all these conservatives are loudly applauding Newt’s criticism of the Federal Reserve when he’s just recycling the same talking points Ron Paul has been using for decades. Yet, conservatives still can’t see that Ron Paul IS the solution. Nope, but they’ll continue to jack his policy points and call him crazy.

Some Newt highlights are when he challenges the Occupy Movement by asking if Bill Gates and Henry Ford were a part of the 1% or the 99% when they started out. Point being, the 99% can make something of themselves if they try. The moderators try to “gotcha” Newt a few times but these people are just like the buzzing of flies to him. He treats “gotchas” like steak and devours the fuck out of them! Newt bashes Dodd-Frank and says that if you want the housing to come back, that the economy must come back first.

When his turn comes up on the Obamacare issue, Newt says that it is a state issue and that we need to focus on brain science. He also uses the moment to challenge Obama to a 3 hour Lincoln-Douglas style debate on health care. While that would be great, Obama would never accept the offer because he knows he’d get destroyed like Apollo Creed in “Rocky IV”.

Other Newt Points include him pimping out the Chilean model for social security and letting the world know that college is not a right therefore tuition isn’t free. In the end, Newt just kills it. Like I’ve said again and again, I don’t agree with several of his points but he has the skill and the fire to run the show, more so than anyone else on that stage. However Dr. Paul is still the best all around, which brings me to him.

Ron Paul had his best debate yet; he keeps getting better and better. I hope he keeps gaining steam through January. Truthfully, it was pretty fortunate for him that this debate was strictly economic. It allowed him to hit his economic points without having to defend himself from confused conservatives that don’t “get” his crazy stance on foreign policy.

Ron Paul says that our debt is unsustainable and that we need to liquify it. He says that our current actions are just prolonging our agony and that drastic changes must be made quickly. He calls spending a disease and points out that spending in and of itself is a tax. He promises to work towards eliminating the income tax altogether by cutting a trillion dollars from the budget each year and curing our fiscal idiocy. Paul also promises that he will try to combat price fixing. He says that the market should determine interest rates. He basically gets a “fuck the Fed” in there without actually saying it.

With Obamacare, Ron Paul says that we have to get the government out of medicine. He is the first to bring up medical savings accounts, which gets support from Mitt Romney.

On education, one of the moderators points out that students loan debt is near a trillion dollars and that Americans owe more in tuition debt than credit card debt. She also points out that college seniors have more than $25,000 in debt on average. A video is then played about how tuition rates have increased by 428% since 1990. The moderator then refreshes us on the fact that Ron Paul has said that he wants to get rid of the Department of Education. She then asks, without the DOE, how would he make college more affordable. Ron Paul points out to the idiot moderator that her argument proved that the Department of Education is obviously ineffective and a total failure. Dr. Paul then points out to the moderator that was so sure of her stupid argument, that the quality of education has gone down, the cost has gone up because of inflation and students are essentially getting ripped off and the burden is falling on the taxpayer. Ron Paul then makes sure that everyone knows, which they already should, that the Constitution does not give the federal government the authority to be involved in education.

Ron Paul is asked if he thinks that Rick Perry is a crony capitalist. Ron Paul refuses to answer the question and says that people in this country need to understand the difference between capitalism and crony capitalism as many don’t. With that, the debate is over with about ten minutes to spare on the clock.

Luckily for us there were no fights like the last big debate. I mean, that shit was entertaining but in the end, it just took away from the meat and potatoes and made the candidates involved in the bitch and whine fests look like bitches and whiners. This debate just flowed so nice and CNBC did a decent job. Well that is except for including that over-caffeinated freak Jim Cramer. I thought homeboy’s heart was going to explode a few times.

In the end, nothing really changed, everyone looks like they always do. Paul and Newt were on fire, everyone else was typical. Like I said, a couple of these people need to realize that it is time to step the fuck off.

I missed Gary Johnson, as always, but he was tweeting during the debates and in one of his tweets he texted, “I will be proposing a 43 percent reduction in federal spending. 1.5 trillion dollar reduction in federal spending.” God I hope so! He just upped the ante on Ron Paul by half a trillion! If they are going to waste our time with Santorum, Huntsman and Bachmann then Gary Johnson should at least get some time. Ah well, fuck these debate organizers.

Grading Scale:
Grade A+: Ron Paul
Grade A: Newt Gingrich
Grade C: Mitt Romney
Grade C-: Herman Cain
Grade D: Michele Bachmann
Grade D-: Jon Huntsman
Grade F: Rick Santorum
Grade F: Rick Perry
Grade I: Gary Johnson

My Two Cents: Jim Cramer is a spastic tool. End Two Cents.

*Written by Rob Rimes.

This debate was by far the most unique one yet. Unique doesn’t mean good however as it was also by far the worst debate. In reality, it wasn’t even a debate it was practically a dick sucking contest between the candidates. I don’t mean that to sound completely disrespectful to them but to have the unique format of a Lincoln-Douglas style debate and to select the two candidates who are nearly identical on policy is just fucking stupid.

Now to be fair, I’m not sure how this came to be and why only Gingrich and Cain were a part of this debate but for the sake of not boring the audience to death, the participants should of at least been at odds with each other somewhat. This just came across like two buddies agreeing with each other’s points and then adding their own two cents on top of it to help sell the idea to the public. I almost feel as if these two are in cahoots and plan on being running mates regardless of which of these two could get the nomination (assuming it won’t be Romney, Perry or Paul).

To start, this debate was poorly put together and it came off like an extremely bad public access talk show. The technical problems were horrendous and inexcusable. The microphones echoed for the first five-to-ten minutes and it took them forever to get that taken care of and when they did, Newt’s mic was then fucked up and spewing white noise which just pissed me off as it reminded me of that super shitty Michael Keaton movie where he got chased by CGI shadows.

They had to actually hand Gingrich a regular mic as they couldn’t get his shirt mic fixed and the replacement one had problems too! Jesus George Jetson Christ C-SPAN, just fire your fucking sound engineer already! Well, maybe it was the sound guy for the Texas Tea Party, I don’t know. Either way, that guy shouldn’t even be working a toll booth on the NAFTA Superhighway! Truth be told, I believe Herman Cain sabotaged Newt’s mic before the debate by sexually harassing it.

This debate was moderated but the moderators sucked ass. One of them was a congressman named Steven King. His name was spelled differently than the legendary writer but he did bring just as much horror. The other moderator’s name wasn’t even worth remembering as he was pretty much non-existent the entire night. Steven King however, forced us to sit through 8 minutes of his boring pro-Paul Ryan speech where he went through a bunch of Paul Ryan-esque slides that made me feel like I was in some shitty middle school economics class. Fuck that dude, just get to the debate.

So after the shitty economics presentation and the mic issues, we FINALLY get into the meat of the debate. Then again, I find myself distracted because now the sound coming out of the television is filled with a loud buzzing noise! Newt’s talking and I can’t pay attention because a thousand invisible bees are swarming around my head trying to turn it into a goddamned hive! Wait.. what did you say Newt? Well, I don’t know but Herman Cain responds to it with, “I completely agree but let me add this..” Fuck that man! That was exactly how the entire night went. It was like the world’s nicest rap battle!

In a nutshell, one guy would answer a question and the other would agree 95% of the time and just add in their talking points to help solidify their opponents argument. I swear to Jesus that these two guys have more mutual man love for one another than Antoine and Blaine from “In Living Color”. It’s as if they have already decided to run together and they are just using this facade of a “debate” to get their platform over to the public on this 90 minute forum that was essentially created by the Texas Tea Party to allow them to do so. This is all a ruse! Albeit a clever clever ruse.

I didn’t learn anything new from this debate because all they did is rehash the exact same talking points they’ve been pounding over our heads throughout all the previous debates. I was a bit disappointed that the subject of the Federal Reserve did not come up because that is one issue where their stances differ.

Newt wants to audit the fucker and Cain is a Fed insider that continually protects and defends the most tyrannical institution this country has ever done business with. I was secretly hoping Newt would call out Cain on it and the debate would’ve evolved into something with more substance. Nope, didn’t happen because it would’ve created a rift between the two debaters that are seemingly unified on the issues. I really want to see a Lincoln-Douglas styled debate featuring Cain and Ron Paul. Lets air some shit out! Fuck this 90 minute Cain-Gingrich 2012 infomercial!

Just for shits and giggles I’ll give you a brief rundown of what these guys were pimping out. Cain is for a loser pays law to help eliminate the high cost of health care. Both men support the Paul Ryan plan. Newt served Bill Gates’ dad. Both men are for optional personal retirement plans for youngsters who are being raped by Social Security, which they will never get. Cain mentions the 999 Plan, Newt says he won’t acknowledge it this debate. Newt supports the Green Bay Packers. Newt also just nails it every time he’s got the mic. It is worth noting that towards the end Newt got a pretty big standing O. The crowd was digging Gingrich.

The most memorable thing though, was when Cain asked Gingrich a question which basically implied that Newt was going to be the VP under POTUS Cain. The crowd laughed and Cain proved that he was the funnier of the two but America needs the best leader, not the funniest candidate.

I wish I could give you more analysis but as I said, they just recycled everything we’ve all already heard a dozen times. The moderation sucked because these three-to-five minute answers were just drawn out, boring and wasted too much time. We spent a half hour on an issue that should’ve only taken five-to-ten minutes. This debate style kind of sucks and I understand why it is archaic and no longer used. Then again, maybe it would’ve worked better if the candidates featured weren’t butt buddies. Who knows? In the end, I wasted 90 minutes of my life. At this point, I should’ve just known that it was going to be an ass parade.

I can only pray that if they ever do another 1-on-1 debate that they pick Rick Perry and Mitt Romney and shove those two hair models into the octagon. Wishful thinking I guess but damn it this is America and I want to see some blood!

Grading Scale:
Grade C: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Herman Cain
Grade I: Ron Paul
Grade I: Mitt Romeny
Grade I: Rick Perry
Grade I: Rick Santorum
Grade I: Michele Bachmann
Grade I: Jon Huntsman
Grade I: Gary Johnson

Here’s my favorite clip from the debate:

*Written by Rob Rimes.

This debate was awesome! No, it wasn’t necessarily the best as far as content and hammering home runs but it was by far the most entertaining. There were fights, poking, prodding and almost a few punches thrown in. In fact, I have never seen Mitt Romney turn so red. It was great and the best part was that the three candidates I like the least looked like the biggest bitches of the night. How so? Well, let me break down the debate and expose the little hoes for their little hoe actions while the adults and misfits in the room just stared on in gleeful excitement of what should have been a few campaign implosions. Of course there aren’t any implosions because the media has to continue to prop up their golden boys.

To start, we are given Anderson Cooper as the moderator of the debate. I like having one moderator and I like Cooper much better than throat-gurgler John King and the man with the coolest name ever Wolf Blitzer. Coop did a good job at keeping the debate moving, probably better than any moderator on any other channel. He also stirred the pot in a good way to get the trio of prima-donnas worked up just enough to make for great television. My hat, if I were currently wearing one, would be tipped for Mr. Cooper.

The debate started off with the generic introductions. Santorum came out and waved to the crowd like a dork dick. He used his kids for an early cheap pop from the crowd and came off as a lame ass. Bachmann was smiling so wide that you couldn’t see her eyes. She was dressed like a cast member of ‘The Love Boat’. Ron Paul referred to himself as the “champion of liberty”, which he is compared to this bunch. Cain said he’s a problem solver and Mitt said he was as well. Mitt’s already jacking for beats. Perry calls himself an “authentic conservative not a conservative of convenience.” Ex-Democrats are funny. Newt then steps up and just lets us know that he’s up in the house in rabid honey badger form!

Hey, there’s no Jon Huntsman! Oh, that’s because he is boycotting Vegas because of some early primary drama or something. It’s pretty goddamned stupid to boycott a pivotal debate when your numbers are so dismal but whatever. In any event, this was Jon Huntsman’s best debate yet! Santorum was also supposed to boycott but apparently he doesn’t stand by what he says. He should have because he failed in this debate and looked like a total fucking bitch. In fact, let me break down Racquetball Rick’s performance at the Las Vegas debate.

Rick Santorum, the poster boy for Penn balls, starts off his portion of the debate jumping in on the 999 bashing. He claims that Cain’s 999 Plan is not good for families. Rick Santorum isn’t good for anyone, plain and fucking simple. Santorum also squeezes in some time to suck the peepees of Romney and Perry when the discussion of job creation comes up. Santorum is a panderer who knows he will lose and is trying to butter up the golden boys in an effort to get a job when his teaching gig at the tennis club is over.

However, just to set himself apart in a wasted no-win effort, Santorum drags the Romneycare skeleton back out of the closet. When Mitt dismisses it and promises to kill Obamacare no matter what, Santorum has a meltdown and acts like the biggest bitch ever; I think his water must’ve broke! In fact, Santorum talks over Mitt and runs down Mitt’s time to respond and when the time runs out, Santorum gladly taunts Mitt by saying, “You’re out of time Mitt!” Wow, what a fanciful tactic employed by such a worthless maroon. This would not be the only time Mitt faced some heat. All this did though was make Santorum look like a bratty child and it hurt his run for the White House.

Santorum, the time thief, then gets into a spat with Rick Perry which is also a waste of time since it is between these two. He goes on some pro-relgio-family rant that no one is paying attention to. Santorum is asked if what religion a candidate is is important. He responds with values, values, morals, morals, family, family, faith, faith, Jesus, amen. When the issue of military spending comes up, Santorum promises not to cut a penny and says that it is the president’s job to protect the people. If that’s true, Obama better step in homie and protect you from yourself because every time you open your mouth it is like witnessing career suicide. And that’s basically it for Santorum.

Where’s Gary Johnson?

The next candidate I should examine is Michele Bachmann. Like Santorum and Huntsman, I can’t believe she is still in this race. I guess performing in Vegas for the GOP crowd with Wayne Newton in your corner is a potential campaign booster but I doubt it will matter here. In fact, it really doesn’t. Bachmann just does her Bachmann schtick and unless she is giving out free concert tickets like she did in Iowa for straw poll votes, she’s pretty much a non-contender at this point.

Somehow, Bachmann was lucky enough to get the first question from Anderson Cooper. She used this opportunity to jump right into bashing Herman Cain’s 999 Plan. She went as far as to say it could become 90-90-90. Yeah, that’s pretty extreme lady, even for the federal government. Scare tactics, even ones that carry some truth, eventually backfire. Bachmann goes on to explain, from her POV, that the 999 Plan is just going to open the door for a VAT tax. She’s not necessarily wrong here. It amazes me though that Bachmann has 5 years more experience in politics than Herman Cain does. He’s so smooth and calculating while she just feeds into my worst media-manufactured fears about her.

At some point during the debate when others are talking, Bachmann keeps calling out “..Anderson, Anderson, Anderson..” like Mr. Cooper is one of her 9,743 foster kids. She goes on some generic “repeal, repeal, repeal” spiel and tells us to visit MicheleBachmann.com. I guess she’s running a special Tea party Beanie Baby sale or something. With her weird cruise director-style frosted white shirt and crazed look, I can’t help but think she looks like a piece of fascist angel food cake.

When it comes time to talk about illegal immigration, Bachmann admits that not only does she want to build a fence, she wants to build a double fence! Whoa! Lady that’s crazy! I thought you were a “fiscal conservative”? Isn’t a double fence essentially two fences? And aren’t two fences twice as expensive as one fence? Maybe the fence store is running a two-for-on special on fences this week. If that’s the case, I guess she can somewhat claim the title of “fiscal conservative” but realistically, even one fence is expensive as hell.

Other Bachmann highlights are that she says she will enforce English as the language of America. Not sure how she’ll enforce it but it sounds like something a neocon would say right before putting a gun to your head. Bachmann says she is concerned about magnets. Apparently, those pesky illegals get stuck to them and we can’t get them off. Bachmann also says that she spends most of her time talking to moms. One has to wonder if they are real moms or her alter-egos. She’s stealing a page from the Palin playbook with her mom comment but at least she didn’t call them grizzly bears or bullfrogs or whatever. Bachmann goes on to sell us on the Iran charade about them wanting to eat our kids and blast us with bombs they don’t have. Bachmann has no real answers to any real questions except the one about Israel. She basically says she’ll throw money at them which gets a cheap pop from the crowd. Closing out the night Bachmann says she is the “most different” candidate from Obama on the stage. Nope, Ron Paul is lady. You’re just shit smeared on burnt toast.

Next up is Captain Boring a.k.a. Rick Perry. This guy is dry, humorless and a horrible wordsmith. Between the long pauses and the staring off into space, Perry’s verbalized thoughts were incredibly hard to follow. He has no substance, just very boring talking points and a haircut.

Rick Perry also jumps on the anti-999 train, as it is the popular thing to do. He goes off on Cain about his plan even though he has no plan of his own. As he says at every debate, his plan is “on the way”. After the 999 exchange, Perry goes on some sort of energy speech/rant that gets some applause. I think they were just clapping because he finished a thought albeit somewhat sluggishly. It was hard to follow what he was saying as it was about as coherent as my drunk Uncle Seymour singing Klingon opera over Soulja Boy beats.

Perry claims that Texas has one of the best medical systems in the world which brings up the discussion about creating magnets for illegal aliens. This discussion almost turns into an all out war between Perry and Romney. Perry claims that Romney knowingly hired illegal aliens to work in his mansion, which sets Romney off. Romney tries to argue back but Perry, like Santorum, talks over Romney trying to sabotage his defense and use up his time. Romney gets angrier and angrier and visibly turns red. The Mormon fire is burning inside! However, the Texas fire is burning too! Both guys take some low blows and some cheap shots and no one really cares about the substance, we just want to see a fight. Man, I wish they would’ve started swinging so it would kill both of their campaigns. Then again, people would probably applaud it and both would skyrocket in the polls. Where I stand, these guys failed miserably, as did Santorum. My three least favorite candidates looked like a trio of whiney emotional tools.

Other Perry highlights include him calling for a virtual defense program over a fence. He also mentions that drones are being trained. I guess he thinks drones are people. Aw.. that’s kinda cute. Perry is a special fella. Perry goes on to punk out Bachmann on her double fence talk however it backfires as all his two-year-old bitching is getting him, at this point, is boos. One good thing Perry does say though, is that we need to seriously look at the issue of foreign aid and that we need to defund the UN. Perry then claims he made Facebook, eBay and Caterpillar or something like that. He did work for Al Gore so I can see where those sort of delusions may have come from.

Looking at Mitt Romney’s performance is tedious. Yes he looks presidential and he even acts presidential considering that the last handful of them were pandering thieving lying douches. In fact, he is also a copycat as he goes right after Cain’s 999 Plan to kick off his side of the debate. Mitt and Herman exchange blows and their argument does nothing to convince me that either is right in their stance.

Apart from the War of the Haircuts between Mittens and Perry, there weren’t many Mitt highlights. He spent most of his time defending himself while being talked over. He also turned a weird shade of red a few times. However a few notable things were that he pimped out states’ rights and he showed that he has more catchphrases than the Rock. He also tried to educate Ron Paul on foreign policy but this was like watching a preschooler telling a surgeon how to do open heart surgery. Mitt did have a great diss though when he equated Perry’s experience as governor to a college football coach that has lost 40 games.

Newt Gingrich was somewhat of a savior for the debate as Anderson Cooper usually went to him after the children in the room were having a spat. Newt in his cool, calm and collective way worked the room like a goddamned mastermind and once again shined and earned the respect of those watching. As I’ve said several times, I do not fully agree with Newt’s policies but goddamn he’s a leader and a fucking statesman. I used to loathe this guy and he has won me over which is damn near impossible to do once you’ve made it on my shit list. Newt has done just that though and I love watching this guy debate. He’d eat up Obama like a Kid Cuisine. If Ron Paul wasn’t in this race, I’d probably vote for Newt. Unfortunately, Gary Johnson, my second choice, gets no respect and he can’t gain momentum without being invited to the debates.

Newt also gets involved in the 999 debate and says that there are a lot more complexities to the plan than Herman Cain is letting on. I agree. Newt gives Cain props for bringing us something real to discuss and look at but he can’t fully support the idea. Newt goes on to call out Romney as a big government stooge with his Romneycare plan. Mitt then rebuttals Newt with a lie about Newt and Newt quickly checks his ass like Wolverine backhanding a stray cat. Newt don’t care! Newt don’t give a shit! “Watch out”, says that bird!

Herman Cain, who surged after the last debate, had a pretty weak performance in my opinion and I believe it is because his lack of political experience is finally showing. As the debate started with everyone attacking his 999 Plan, he really did nothing to defend it. He continually told everyone that they were wrong, regardless of their information. He told everyone to read the plan and to do their own math. Sorry brother but this isn’t going to fly. You can’t keep telling people to read it, you have to educate the people first and get them passionate about it. If you don’t have the ability to defend your plan without just brushing off criticism as being wrong, then no one will care. My biggest fear is that Cain really has no rebuttal because all the critics are right. By how this has been handled by Cain himself, I’m siding with the critics. Besides, everything they’ve said, I’ve thought about myself before this debate. After reading the bill, I can’t find anything in it to correct or even soothe these concerns. All Cain really gives us is talk of “apples and oranges”. He seems to get really flustered by all the haters and his tone changes a bit with each candidate who doubts him. As pimpalicious as Cain can be, he showed signs of having thin skin.

Getting away from the 999 issue, Cain tells us that we need to repeal Obamacare and look at revisiting bill HR 3400 as a way to help solve the issues with health care in this country. I’ll have to read up on that. Cain also mentions that we need to promote our path to citizenship in an effort to help alleviate the illegal alien issue. Cain owns up to flip-flopping on TARP. He’s had many other economic follies however. Cain says the anger of the Occupy Wall Street Movement is misdirected yet he takes a bullet for the Federal Reserve again. Cain is a minion of the Fed, that much is clear at this point. This spawns into an argument with Ron Paul about the tyranny of the Federal Reserve, which I’ll touch on in a bit.

Cain tells us he will not negotiate with terrorists under any circumstances which contradicts something he said in an interview earlier in the day before the debate. Cain closes out the night by pimping his skills at running small companies. I never knew that Coca-Cola, Burger King, Godfather’s Pizza, Pillsbury, Nabisco, Whirlpool and Reader’s Digest were small companies. Surprising, because I see them everywhere.

Ron Paul probably had his best debate yet. He starts by calling the 999 Plan dangerous and that we need to replace the income tax with nothing! Hell yes! He says that he promises to cut $1 trillion dollars in his first year! Oh hell yeah! I bet “fiscal conservative” Bachmann dropped a turd in her ‘Love Boat’ digs when she heard that. When asked about an alternative to Obamacare, Paul says there needs to be no alternative and that individuals should be allowed to opt out of government medicine if they want to. I can dig that. Ron Paul points out that as soon as the government becomes involved in anything, lobbyists line up.

Ron Paul calls for us to examine the real reasons why illegal aliens flock to America and that we have to end these incentives and promote citizenship. He points out that in a free society the group mentality would dissolve, there would be no more “us versus them”. Herman Cain cuts in to tell us that 999 will give Latinos the American dream. Ron Paul talks about securing the border but shows us our own folly when he informs the clueless pack of non-liberty candidates that they are more concerned with the Afghanistan-Pakistan border than the United States-Mexico border.

On the Yucca Mountain issue, Ron Paul calls for states’ rights and says that no state should be forced to be the other 49 states garbage dump. In this case, Nevada would be made the United States’ nuclear waste dump. This is an issue that gets brushed under the rug, as the only people it really effects is the people of Nevada.

The next big Ron Paul moment came at the expense of Herman Cain when he was compelled to educate Fed insider Cain on the reality of the Federal Reserve, which he willingly took another bullet for. In reference to Occupy Wall Street, Paul tells Cain that we need to take the anger to the Federal Reserve and that we need to understand bubbles and their origin. Paul tells Cain to not trust the government and to put his trust in the marketplace. True words from a real man.

Ron Paul then feels the need to once again educate the candidates and the people watching on the difference between military spending and defense spending. He warns that we are spread too thin all over the world and that we are overextending our resources. He says that we’d be safer if we weren’t in so many places. On foreign aid, Ron Paul refers to it as a system that steals from the poor in a rich country (the United States) and gives to the rich in a poor country. He talks about how our foreign aid makes Israel dependent on us and it prevents them from fully standing on their own two feet. Ron Paul’s shocking honesty is met with gasps because the truth hurts like a motherfucker.

In the end, this was a pretty good debate. The lovers quarrels were entertaining and Anderson Cooper ran a smooth show. Cooper also gave a fair amount of time to everyone for the most part. I felt that Ron Paul was on more of an even playing field with the golden boy candidates and everyone really got their say in about most of the topics. CNN certainly stepped their game up and it was kind of refreshing.

Anyway, this was like the 37th debate and I know we have several dozen more so it is going to be a long road for all of these candidates. I will say this though, it is time for Santorum, Huntsman and Bachmann to drop out. You’re wasting our time and without you there the top tier guys could get more time to hash some shit out. I know, I know.. you’re still in the hunt. You can’t back out yet, you’re all just on the cusp of going from 3% to 4%. Besides, who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to ask for any favors. Ah well, guess I’m stuck watching the preliminary card before the real fight.

Grading Scale:
Grade A+: Ron Paul
Grade A-: Newt Gingrich
Grade C-: Herman Cain
Grade D: Mitt Romeny
Grade D-: Rick Perry
Grade F: Rick Santorum
Grade F: Michele Bachmann
Grade I: Jon Huntsman
Grade I: Gary Johnson

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Keeping up with all these debates is fucking tedious! I feel like this is an ongoing weekly drama except the excitement is nonexistent and the cliffhangers are lame. I know I have bitched about the media’s obsession about Chris Christie and all the other hypothetical candidates but shit, apart from Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich, these people are like a triple-dose of Ambien washed down with a mason jar full of cheap 100 proof swill. Although this debate was pretty damn good.

To add to the excitement, we got Mr. Excitement himself Charlie Rose hosting this damn thing! Mr. Rose put me to sleep the whole fucking night and other than the fact that he is ancient and I guess a legend to some, I can’t gather why Bloomberg or the Washington Post put this guy up there as the master of ceremonies. I partially blame those pesky Thundercats for luring Mumm-Ra out of his tomb. Fuck you Lion-O, fuck you.

The one refreshing thing is that this particular debate has three major differences than all the other debates thus far. First, the entire debate is focused on economic issues. Second, the candidates will be allowed to ask each other questions in the last hour. Third, there are no podiums; the candidates are all sitting around what Charlie Rose refers to as “the kitchen table”. Unfortunately Herman Cain didn’t bring pizza for the whole family.

Now I’m not going to break this down play-by-play like the last several debate recaps, I’m just going to give you the rundown of each person and highlight a few of the memorable moments. Certain things for me shifted in this debate, most notably Herman Cain falling from my graces as my 3rd choice. He is now at the bottom of the barrel and Newt has moved to third. My first is obviously Ron Paul and my second is Gary Johnson. Speaking of which, where the fuck is Gary Johnson?! Once again, homeboy gets the fucking shaft! He shined last debate and had the joke of the night (albeit stolen from Rush Limbaugh) but damn it he’s earned his spot on that stage, especially if they’re going to invite Santorum and Huntsman to all these damn shindigs.

To start, lets visit the golden boys Mitt Romney and Rick Perry. I’ll break down Perry before Mittens because I love stepping on Perry’s withered Texas nuts. This debate provided him with the platform he needed to get back in the hunt. Fortunately, he fell flat again. Granted, Perry didn’t do as bad as he has done in previous debates but it was like he was sitting this one out. I think he was asleep. His performance was so boring that I literally heard crickets with Texas accents. I fucking shit you not.

Perry essentially recycles his failed tactics of his previous debates and feeds us a bunch of talking points that wouldn’t hold up to any real fact checker. In fact, most of these taking points have become redundant and even though they have been debunked and exposed as lies debate after debate, Rick Perry keeps on shoving them down our throats. It’s fucking moronic and we are all wise to it. He’s losing support because even the shitcocks who were worshipping his prune nuts earlier in the race are now waking up and seeing the skewed reality of this wretched brown-eye’s schtick. Then again, there are still some shitcocks doing a jig for this tyrannosaurus dick.

The best piece of egg that landed on Perry’s face was when he was confronted about his economic plan. Well folks, three months into this fucking thing and Perry doesn’t have a plan. He can’t even explain what his plan is going to be. He promises to have one shortly but apparently, while he’s sinking in the polls, he doesn’t see the importance in at least presenting something to attempt to keep his ass afloat. Rick Perry is a big saggy bag of “epic fail”.

Some other things about Perry are that he deflected the question of his party allegiance by saying that he switched from Democrat to Republican at a younger age than Reagan. Sure dude, take shots at a dead pres. Perry also said he wasn’t in favor of Cain’s 999 Plan. Perry also makes a statement that he would skirt legislation if he needed to. Yep, sounds like a dictator to me. Also, he keeps reminding us that governments don’t create jobs but he keeps taking credit for a million fictitious jobs he “created” in Texas. Between all his “um”‘s and long pauses Rick Perry goes to a magic place. Unfortunately for us, we aren’t invited. I just wish he’d stop blanking out in the middle of debates and stay focused. Shit dude, we only need you up there for two hours. Perry is a cancer, plain and simple.

Now Mr. Mittens continued to work his way into the hearts of the heartless, as he didn’t falter or fall from his stance and may have even gained some points as he stayed above the bickering and successfully sold himself as more important and larger than the other candidates at the table. Now I’m not sucking his Mormon dick, I am just calling it how I see it. I’d prefer it if he failed. Dude’s just got his shit together and every time he shows up to one of these things, Aquanet stock surges.

Out of the gate, Mitt reminds us that we need a president that is a leader. No shit dude, what else would we need, a president that’s a pecan log? Mitt goes on to pimp his 59 point plan which is something he must have stolen from a vehicle inspection chart. In fact, Herman Cain called out Romney and asked him if he could name all 59 points. Mitt said that some things just aren’t that simple. Yep, that’s a big government answer.

When Mittens is asked if he would give us another Wall Street bailout he basically said that bailouts are bad but won’t say if he will or won’t. Mitt never answers anything. Oddly, Mitt is incredibly sweaty or the lights make him look sweaty and glazed over. Good thing he’s not gross like Nixon or he’d be fucked in this election.

Romney goes on to channel Milton Friedman but fails miserably. I laughed out loud, kind of like every time I watch the 1990 series of Friedman’s “Free to Choose” and see the introduction from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why do neocons embrace free market principles yet never seem to truly understand them?

Mitt bitches about China and says they are playing us like a fiddle while wearing an American flag pin on his lapel that was probably made in China. He promises not to cut defense and not to raise taxes. Mitt claims he started Staples and Sports Authority in the same way that Al Gore claims he invented the Internet. In the end, Mitt gives us nothing but that’s how he stays on top. Well, that and his hair.

By the way, before the debate, Mitt gained the endorsement of NJ Gov. Chris Christie. Welcome to my shitlist Christie.

Next up is that other Mormon, Jon Huntsman. Truthfully, I don’t know how or why this guy is still in the race. It boggles my fucking mind but as long as he is still breathing I have to keep watching him like a hawk. This debate he reminds us of how awesome he was in Utah, a state no one can fact check because no one knows anything about it. He tells us we need to regain our industrial base but doesn’t tell us how. Okay, I’m going to tell you all that we need to have a prosperous country but I’m not going to tell you how. Huntsman also tells us that his flat tax plan brought Utah to the moon. He then disses Cain’s 999 Plan and asks if it is a pizza deal. ROFLMAO! I find it funny because I’ve said the same thing countless times. Damn it, I should be mad because Huntsman bit my joke.

Huntsman tells us that he plans on phasing out corporate welfare and subsidies. He also claims that he will bring forth more aggressive trade laws. Huntsman also disses Romney by pointing out that his state Utah was number one in job creation while Massachusetts was number forty-seven under Romney. Oh snap! Aaaaand that’s about it for Huntsman who had all of about three minutes of screen time.

The other big loser of the GOP field Rick Santorum or Sanscrotum or whatever his name is was present at the debate too. Santorum, fresh off of the racquetball courts jumped into the debate by telling us he wants to drill Pennsylvania! Damn you horn dog go get’m! I wonder if he means the dudes too? There is that rumor you know.

Anyway, Santorum didn’t bring much but he also punked out Cain on his 999 Plan and he even got some audience participation by getting folks to raise their hands whether or not they disagreed with certain aspects of Cain’s plan. When people actually started participating, Santorum got so excited he had a seizure on national television. In fact, he ruined his jacket sleeve by continually wiping the foam from his rabid mouth. Santourm then says something later on about how a president once drove an exploding truck. I don’t know what he meant but it sounds like a fucking great movie idea! I nominate Nick Nolte to play the lead. The only other thing of note to come out of Racquetball Rick’s foamy mouth is that we can’t have limited government without families or something lame like that. Whenever Sanscrotum talks, I wince.

Woohoo! Now we’ve got supermom Michele Bachmann who is wearing pearls the size of ox testicles! Right from the beginning, Bachmann’s got that look in her eye: that same look my Aunt Eustice gets when she loses her teeth in the couch. She immediately informs us that Dodd-Franks are 2 for $5 at the Piggly Wiggly. She also mumbles through stories about Obama mumbling. She is also wearing a flag pin on her and luckily she pinned on the right flag. I think I’m being hard on her but I just can’t take her run seriously anymore. It’s not because she is a woman, it’s because side-by-side she makes Rick Santorum look like he’s smarter than a 5th grader.

Bachmann also jumps down Cain’s throat about his 999 Plan. It’s as if all these candidates are threatened by the black dude who has been whipping their asses since he conquered Florida last month. Bachmann calls the plan a tax plan and not a jobs plan as well as a pipeline for Congress to implement the treacherous VAT tax. She also gets all religiotarded and says that if you flip 999 it is the 666 Plan. Oh Jesus.. literally.

In her head, Bachmann is creating the 333 Plan because she finds “3″‘s to be cute and precious. Before finally leaving us, she has to remind us that she has mothered thirteen dozen kids. I could make a lewd comment about that but c’mon, it wouldn’t be gentlemanly to diss the genitals of any non-male candidates. She closes out the debate by saying, “The more we can do to love people the better off American society is.” That is an actual quote. I think she read it on a poster she saw while buying crystals at the Moon Goddess Emporium. She then looks wildly around and sniffs because apparently a Cinnabon distracted her.

The heaviest hitters of this debate are all that’s left now: Paul, Cain and Gingrich. Starting with Gingrich, I want to say that each debate that goes by, he gains more respect from me. Not because I agree with his stance on things but because he’s got Godzilla sized testicles and he refuses to be pushed around or surprised by the moderators or the other candidates. Newt will take your “gotcha” questions, cut them into small little sharp pieces, stick them to his taped up fists and then punch them up your ass! Newt is the fucking honey badger of the debate! Newt don’t care! Newt don’t give a shit! Newt just ate a fucking cobra AFTER getting bit in the face! His staff quit like months ago! Newt don’t give a shit! Newt doesn’t care! For the record, I once saw Newt eat bees.

To kick off his onslaught, Newt first breaks down the differences between the Tea Party and the misguided Occupy Wall Street movement. He then calls for the firing of Ben Bernanke and Timothy Geithner. He also calls for transparency of the Federal Reserve. I almost pull out my checkbook. Newt then has some colorful rhetoric about head shots and severed limbs. Newt just owns every moment he is given. I half expected him to stand up on Charlie Rose’s kitchen table, drop his pants and shit little Chuck Norrises!

Now I want to talk about Cain and Paul simultaneously because as the debates move on and on, we are coming to understand that when it comes to economics, these guys are polar opposites, especially in regards to the Federal Reserve. Ron Paul, as you all should know, is the one guy who has been taking a baseball bat to the Fed’s nuts for years now. Herman Cain on the other hand is a Fed insider and a former director from the Kansas City branch. Cain’s true colors didn’t really show until this night. I was always highly skeptical of him but his judgment about how to handle the Fed either shows complete ignorance, which I find to be impossible considering his former position, or it shows that he doesn’t want the Federal Reserve to be fully exposed to the public. I’m pretty sure it is the latter.

One of the most shocking moments of the night is when a moderator asked Herman Cain that if he could appoint any former Federal Reserve chairman to head up the Fed now, who would he choose. Cain quickly responded with Alan Greenspan! Is Cain not a true student of economics? Does he not know about inflation? Does he not get how this works? Or is it an attempt to kiss some ass because Greenspan was his former employer and Cain might need a reference if he doesn’t get the White House gig.

Ron Paul quickly jumped in and explained that Greenspan was a “disaster”, as we all should now. I mean, Greenspan was the precursor to Ben Bernanke. Ron Paul went on to state that the best chairman of the Fed was Paul Volcker, not that he was even good but Volcker at least understood the mechanics of inflation.

Ron Paul points out that Herman Cain was against an audit of the Federal Reserve because he said that we would not find anything and that it was a waste of time. Being an insider he should know, right? Well, Paul also points out that when we were able to execute a partial audit a few months back that we discovered a mountain of questionable acts and tyranny. Paul also pointed out that Cain called Ron Paul supporters and those who want to audit the Fed “ignorant” and “stupid”. Cain lied and said he didn’t say that. Well, he did say it. For the record, Cain recently called Ron Paul a “grumpy old man” when he was on ‘The Tonight Show with Jay Leno’. Cain hates Ron Paul and his supporters because if they dig up enough dirt on the Fed, some might stick to Cain himself.

When pressed on the Federal Reserve further, Cain says that he has been “misrepresented” on the issue of the Fed (apparently by himself) but that it was secondary because his focus is on his 999 Plan. Dude, I got 999 Plans but Cain’s ain’t one!

It seems like the mainstream media has now taken to Cain, he’s like their sleeper candidate now that Perry failed and Christie didn’t jump in. Not only did he get the first question of the debate but his 999 Plan monopolized the entire two hours. Luckily there was enough criticism from most of the other candidates and the moderators to start to really open the door on it. I was pretty fucking tired of hearing “nine nine nine” every three seconds of the debate. The main and most obvious problem I see with the plan is what prevents Congress from turning it into the 23-23-23 Plan? C’mon, like they aren’t going to touch it and fuck it up. I also don’t believe the bullshit that it is a stepping stone to the FairTax, as stepping stones have never worked in Washington. All Cain can say against the naysayers is that their “assumptions are incorrect”. Cain also admitted that he doesn’t buy beer, which means he just lost the support of my entire social circle.

Herman Cain really disappointed me beyond belief. My fears of him being a typical neocon in Tea Party clothing have not faded. In fact, I’m now feeling the need to really dig deep on Cain and to look into his past. Maybe I’ll start with archives of his radio show, which I never listened to. I have a feeling he jumped on the Tea Party bandwagon and was probably more of a big government guy before the grassroots revolution took shape. I mean, he supported TARP, he supported Romney and he is trying to protect the Federal Reserve.

With Gary Johnson getting absolutely no respect, there is really only one choice and his name is Ron Paul. To back anyone else is ridiculous at this point. One thing I can say to all you Ron Paul naysayers out there is that at least I don’t have to make excuses for my guy. I don’t have to defend him. I also don’t have to continually justify his stance because it has never changed. These are all things you have to do with any other candidate that was in this debate. Stop wasting your breath and stop wasting your time.

This debate was one of the better ones, all things considered. The game definitely changed for me and a lot of true colors came out. Bachmann, Santorum and Huntsman proved that they are in over their heads, Perry proved once again that he can’t debate, Romney did Romney, Ron Paul brought the realness, Cain showed us that he was NOT his brother’s keeper an Newt ate a fucking cobra! I wish all debates were this awesome. Newtie Badger don’t care!

Grading Scale:
Grade A: Ron Paul
Grade B: Newt Gingrich
Grade C+: Herman Cain
Grade C-: Mitt Romeny
Grade D: Rick Perry
Grade D: Jon Huntsman
Grade D: Rick Santorum
Grade D: Michele Bachmann
Grade I: Gary Johnson

Video – Cain vs Paul on the Federal Reserve: