*Written by Rob Rimes.

I was late watching this debate, as I had to check the replay. Unfortunately, I wasn’t home and I was unable to take serious notes on it. I was at my boss’ house due to it being the annual national sales meeting for my real job and between the alcohol and festivities, this thing was hard to watch in any serious sort of manner. I regret not being able to give it my full attention but the whiskey and wine were flowing, the girls were distracting to say the least and the copious amounts of food transplanted from several of the world’s most exotic regions somehow took precedence over watching the most recent episode of ‘Three Tyrants and a Wizard’. I do apologize as I have been trying to chronicle every damn one of these things but there are just so many, seven this month alone, and turning down a chance to literally spend the night at a party thrown at the mansion of the Indian version of Caligula is incredibly hard to pass up. Bourbon soaked tits are better to stare at than three dudes arguing over their dicks and the fourth shaking his head because America’s fallen so far that we’re literally having a debate about three dicks.

Now I did go back and read the transcripts from the debate and I did watch Ron Paul’s highlights – the only important parts, as the other three’s highlights would’ve put me to sleep in my hungover stupor. If it wasn’t for my boss’ brother handing me a Bloody Mary when I walked through the office door this morning, I’d probably be curled up in a ball under my desk hiding from the flickering power-draining headache-inducing fluorescent lights over my head. Needless to say, I am not a Bloody Mary fan by any stretch of the word, as it just conjures up the thought of drinking vodka with some ketchup spilled in it, but that fucking cocktail hit the spot today and I’m about 70 percent recovered from guest-starring in the Bollywood version of ‘Eyes Wide Shut’.

I know I’m rambling about my drunken escapades and that might disinterest you, as you came to this article to experience my certain style of critique on these things, so for that I’m sorry. I will do my best to give you the rundown of the debate, as I saw it between nude champagne showers and Chilean sea bass dodgeball.

So I’m just going to go down the line and analyze the candidates one-by-one starting with Rick Santorum. He started by talking about illegal immigration, border fences and telling the story about his immigrant family for the umpteenth time. He got into it with Ron Paul on foreign policy and failed miserably as he tried to cover up the fact that he’s a goddamned idiot on the affairs of Central and South America. I’ll write more on this when I get to Ron Paul, who owned Santorum like a twenty dollar prostitute. Santorum goes on to bitch about Fannie and Freddie and in turn blasts Newt and Mitt for playing personal politics and distracting everyone from discussing the real issues. On the subject of space, Santorum said that America is a frontier country and space is the next frontier to conquer. He calls for the private sector to be more involved with NASA but doesn’t fully support government being out of it. On health care he goes on and on about how awesome he is for trying to create health savings accounts. If you were so awesome, you would’ve got it done pal! He then gets into a health care argument with Romney that is neither interesting or worth writing about but what the hell, I’ll give you the nutshell version. Basically it went something like this:

Rick Santorum: “Fuck Romneycare”
Mitt Romney: “But it was only at the state level Ricky Baby!”
Rick Santorum: “I don’t care Mitt! You’re a bitch and you gave Obama the blueprints to evil!”
Mitt Romney: “Ricky Baby, you’re so silly!”
Rick Santorum: “Jesus Bible! No health care for the gays!”

Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich spent most of their time arguing about who was a bigger bastard while both looked like big bastards. Mittens talked about “self-deportation” again. If these guys believe in such a thing as an effective way of handling a situation, can we get them to believe in “self-governance”? If they trust those illegal immigrants to leave on their own accord after sneaking in here in an effort just to come back in a way that is much more difficult, they’ve got to believe that we’re all capable of managing every other aspect of our lives? I mean, they are putting blind faith into something so farfetched that they’ve got to be down with just saying “fuck it” and letting us run our own shit, right?

On the immigration subject, Newt says that Romney is the most anti-immigrant candidate out of the four. Romney gets all pissy and pulls his two Latino cards. The first he pulls is Marco Rubio, the Cuban American senator that came to his defense on immigration. The second card Mitt pulled was Mexico, as his father was born there. I was born in a hospital bro, that doesn’t make me a doctor!

Romney and Gingrich argue about immigration for awhile and then they argue about Fannie and Freddie and who is the biggest crook. Newt, once he gets away from the lame feud for a minute, goes on some tangent about making a moon base. Newt later said that Jacksonville was going to get big pimpin’ because the Panama Canal was widening and would bring them more boat traffic. Shortly after that we were treated to a Santorum-Gingrich-Romney three-way which was like stumbling upon a middle-aged homosexual version of Cinemax at three in the morning. It was a bitch and rant fuck fest that no one in their right mind needed to see, unless of course you’re into middle-aged gay men. If you are, I mean absolutely no disrespect. Do ya thang homegirl!

Fuck all these queens, let’s get to Ron Paul, the only adult in the room. On immigration, he says that if we had a working healthy economy we wouldn’t be so worried about the immigration issue as we’d be looking for workers to fill jobs. He adds that the way we are handling our borders is actually harming our economy. He points out that we don’t have the right amount of resources on the border and that we should pay more attention to our border instead of the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan.

On the Latin America issue, Ron Paul says, “Free trade is the answer.” He throws in the fact that we’d be a lot better off if we practiced free trade with Cuba. He adds that he doesn’t like the idea that America thinks that they can go down to Central and South America and try to dictate which kind of leaders they need down there, as it is none of our business. He says that the best way to influence other nations isn’t by telling them what to do, it is by practicing friendship and free trade. Paul then references Santorum who said that we have to stand up for these nations. Paul explains that standing up for nations often times comes with us imposing ourselves on the people of these countries while picking their dictators, undermining their government and sending them a lot of money. He warns that this sort of tactic always backfires and the people we are “supporting” end up hating us. Ron Paul calls Rick Santorum’s ideas on foreign policy the “bully way”. Paul adds that he knows a better to way to work with people other than using force. Santorum shakes his head, mumbles some stupid crap and then changes his tampon while wiping his bitch tears. Checkmate Paul!

Ron Paul is asked if Mitt and Newt should return the money they’ve made off of Fannie and Freddie and he responds to thunderous applause when he says, “That subject doesn’t interest me a lot.” Paul says that Fannie and Freddie should have been auctioned off right after the crash came. He said that if it was sold, the problem would’ve been “cleansed” by now. Ron Paul says that he’s been trying to prevent this stuff which is why we need to end the Federal Reserve.

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asks says that Ron Paul, if elected, would be the oldest president ever. He asks Paul if he would make his medical records public to show the people that he is healthy. Blitzer basically wants to paint Ron Paul as a geezer who could croak tomorrow and I find the question to be repugnant, just as I found it distasteful when the same issue was brought up with Ronald Reagan years ago. Paul said that he’ll prove how healthy he is by delivering an open challenge to all the other candidates to face him in a 25 mile bike ride in the heat of Texas. Ron Paul face-palmed the shit out of Wolf Blitzer and the other candidates with that answer. He also took a shot at Wolf himself when he jokingly pointed out that there are laws against age discrimination and that Blitzer should be careful. Wolf, after getting bitchslapped, tries to cover up the stupid question by asking the other candidates if they’d release theirs. What a tool.

On space spending, Ron Paul says that he would only approve funding on stuff that fits under defense. He says that going to the Moon and Mars is fantastic but that it could be done better by the private sector if their hands weren’t tied. Ron Paul then takes a shot at Newt, saying that he has stretched the truth with all his “balanced budget” claims from the days when he was Speaker of the House. Ron Paul is taking solid shots backed by facts and there is nothing that can be done about it when he brings these guys a dose of the truth. Strangely, Newt Gingrich was very polite and gracious to Ron Paul all night and gave him props for his ideas in several areas.

In the end, the debate was lightyears better than the NBC debate a few days prior. CNN does the best job, in my opinion, and I’ve watched every single one of these debates. Kudos to Wolf for rocking the house, even with a few prickish questions. Ron Paul owned the motherfucker, Santorum did decent if you are into his religio-fascist bullshit while Newt and Mitt looked like a few bickering Tinas arguing over the last pack of Lee Press-On Nails at K-Mart.

And that’s all I got because I immediately returned to my whiskey-scented orgy on the south lawn.

Grading Scale:
Grade A+: Ron Paul
Grade C-: Rick Santorum
Grade D+: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Mitt Romney

*Best debate moment in recent memory:

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Introduction:

I don’t hate Mitt Romney but I am certainly not a fan, which should be obvious at this point. I do hate the goddamned media for giving him an unfair advantage over the other candidates but truthfully, that isn’t his fault. Romney isn’t the absolute worst presidential choice out there, which many of my colleagues and readers may disagree with vehemently, but he is still a progressive statist bastard that is hellbent on controlling the lives of all of us in an effort to keep the giant wheel of the establishment machine rolling. I have been nasty to the guy many times in my countless diatribes about the 2012 election but my distaste and malcontent has been for a very good reason. Point being, I know that Romney can’t save this country and I feel that this is painstakingly obvious even though I find myself completely befuddled over the fanfare and support that this guy gets, not just form the media – their support is understandable, but from the conservative voting public who are all pretty much in unison behind this guy’s idea of smaller government, less taxes and squashing the budding police state. This guy will not solve any of those problems. In fact, he will only magnify them and dig our giant pit of legislative bullshit deeper and deeper. Hell, the pit is practically bottomless at this point but electing Mitt Romney will only solidify that fact even further.

I’m certainly not saying that Obama is a better choice out of the two. Realistically, I don’t think there is much difference between one or the other. This is a prime example of there being just one big government party with two wings: one that wears blue shirts with donkeys on them and one that wears red shirts with elephants on them. The worst part about this is that most “conservatives” are following Romney, as well as Gingrich and Santorum, believing in the hypocritical rhetoric that they’ve got a small government guy on their side who will fight for them. Realistically, those who support these guys are ignorant in economics and foreign policy. It is incredibly unfortunate but as Ron Paul said in a recent debate, “Conservatives have lost their way.”

Now I can’t completely cover every negative thing on Romney’s record, as there is a lot, but I am going to talk about a few points. In the end, it is really your decision as to where you want to put your vote but you really need to think this through and ask yourself where you want to be in four years. Do you want to be climbing out of the hole or do you want to be yelling at the guys that are still digging and digging?

Smaller Government:

The first thing worth getting into is definitely the issue of Mitt claiming that he’ll work towards making government smaller. Mitt Romney, who has preached for this over the course of all these debates, has a really shitty record of practicing what he’s been preaching. In reality, Mitt has been feeding into the desires of the voter base and has been stringing them along with his version of the popular rhetoric of the day. The sad thing is that many of the people who support this douchenugget are taking all this bullshit at face value and not looking at reality. Truthfully, maybe Romney actually believes his empty words and his supporters might not be adept enough to see through the Orwellian doublespeak. Let me rundown his track record of big government bullshit by ripping the fucking band-aid off: exposing the man’s economic sores.

I could write a whole damn article about the monstrosity that is Romneycare but I won’t bore you or myself with the details that have already been recycled a million times and beaten into the ground with Thor’s hammer by every critic for several years now. I’m over the Romneycare issue personally. I don’t like it, I think it’s shit, it was the blueprint for what became Obamacare but it was done at the state level, not the federal level and most Bay Staters still approve of it, so that is their economic cross to bear.

One thing that many Romney supporters don’t know or just choose to ignore is the fact that he significantly raised taxes in Massachusetts while he was governor. While preaching fiscal conservatism and pimping himself out as friendly to business, Governor Romney increased the tax bill on businesses by $300 million! He and his cronies also approved hundreds of millions of dollars worth of higher fees and fines on businesses in just four years! Many business owners were incredibly dissatisfied with Romney as governor. Essentially, corporate taxes under Romney almost doubled in just his one term.

I guess the tax hikes were necessary though, as Romney drastically increased spending in Massachusetts. In 2006, Ol’ Mittens increased spending in just that year by 7.6 percent. In 2007, he increased spending again, this time all the way up to 10.2 percent. During just his four years in office, he increased state spending by a total of 20.7 percent! That’s a lot of debt thrown on the taxpayer but at least those hefty tax hikes on corporations absorbed some of the burden. Maybe this tax burden accounts for the fact that Mitt Romney managed the 47th ranked state, out of 50, in the realm of job creation. That brings me to my next point.

Romney has been touting his job creation success while working at Bain Capital. He proudly boasts about creating corporations like Staples, Sports Authority and Steel Dynamics, all of which have created hundreds of thousands of jobs. However, as governor, unemployment was a real problem in Massachusetts. Sure, he did great in the private sector and as Romney himself has said, “Jobs are created in the private sector.” However, all of his job creation skills didn’t translate to success when he reached office. So what makes the public think that this job magician’s magic wand will suddenly work this time? Yes he is a self-professed business master but he couldn’t tap into that while running Massachusetts so essentially his trial run at it was a failure. On the issue of Romney’s job creation woes, Boston Herald business reporter Bret Arends wrote:

During the four years Mitt Romney was governor of Massachusetts, it had the second worst jobs record of any state in America…it wasn’t a regional issue. The rest of New England created nearly 200,000 jobs.

The question no one ever seems to ask Governor Romney is how many jobs were destroyed in an effort to build his monstrous corporations. Now I am not attacking him for building giant successful businesses, as that is the nature of the beast – good or bad. I am just trying to point out how skewed these sorts of statistical claims are because if you created say 300,000 jobs but your new businesses eliminated the jobs of say 250,000 people whose businesses you closed down through competition, well then you’ve only really created 50,000 jobs. This is a simple ballpark example but it should show you how some statistical claims can be made when you only tell one side of the story. Hell, government has been using these sorts of statistical tactics for years when releasing inaccurate numbers to sway public opinion for a candidate, a bill or whatever else they have needed public approval on.

Another issue that shows how non-small government this ass clown is, is the TARP bailouts. Mittens hates when people bring the subject up and has gone as far as lying and completely denying that he ever supported it but there is tons and tons of evidence that says otherwise. In fact, Romney was incredibly passionate about poorly run banks getting a massive taxpayer funded bonus for sucking at business. On CNN, a few years back during the bailouts, Romney said:

I think there is a need for economic stimulus. Americans have lost about $11 trillion dollars in net worth. That translates into about $400 billion dollars a year less spending that they’ll be doing, and that’s net of additional government programs like Medicaid and unemployment insurance. And government can help make that up in a very difficult time. And that’s one of the reasons why I think a stimulus program is needed.

Sounds like small government to me! So why would he be so pro-big bank? Well, let’s look at his top campaign contributors from a recent list. His top contributor is Goldman Sachs who gave $354,700. Next up is Credit Suisse Group at $195,250 and Morgan Stanley at $185,800. Every other contributor in the six figures is also in the banking industry. You’ve got HIG Capital, Barclays, Kirkland & Ellis, Bank of America, PricewaterhouseCoopers, EMC Corp. & JPMorgan Chase. His top ten contributors are all fucking banks! Occupying Wall Street should start on Mitt’s front lawn! This shows a sharp contrast from Ron Paul whose top three campaign contributors are the Air Force, the Army and the Navy. Paul’s biggest contributor is also a lot less than six figures. So who really understands the plight of the average person? Romney is so far up on the Wall Street crony capitalist ladder than he can’t remember how to get down – not that he wants to.

People that call Barack Obama the Wall Street president haven’t seen anything yet. On campaign contributions from the big banks, Obama has made significantly less than Romney. Goldman Sachs gave Obama $49,124, Morgan Stanley coughed up $28,225, Bank of America gave $46,699, JPMorgan Chase came in at $38,038 and Citigroup was at $36,887. You do the math but it is obvious who the bailed out banking industry supports.

Another thing worth noting is that Romney has gotten more money from lobbyists than all other Republican candidates combined. I guess you need all that special interest money to work towards smaller government. Damn it! That Mitt Romney doublethink is taking over my brain!

The fact of the matter is, love it or hate it, Mitt Romney has a proven track record of being nothing less than one of the heads on the big government hydra. He is an economic nightmare but because people take him at his word and don’t look at his record, he can continue to dupe the masses into thinking that he’s on their side.

Mitt Romney will say anything to get elected.

Continued in Part II: Foreign Entanglements..

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Here we are again in South Carolina with the last debate in the state before they hold their primary election. This version of the ongoing shit show was put on by CNN. Unfortunately they brought back the throat gurgling champion of Dorchester, MA Mr. John King himself. Unlike last time however, we weren’t subjected to Mr. King’s guttural throat interruptions and in all honesty, he was pleasant to watch this time around.

Now be forewarned, the majority of this debate consisted of pointless bickering and while I did enjoy the bloodshed, the Santorum-Romney-Gingrich ménage à trois was more annoying than entertaining and for the most part it pushed Ron Paul out of the debate several times. I wish John King had been a bit more pro-active in squashing some of these squabbles, as it created an atmosphere of elitist shitcocks stealing the spotlight from the only sane man on stage. However, even with this issue, Ron Paul was not stopped from pulling off on of his best performances to date. When the man had time, he fucking shined. His smack downs to Rick Santorum were also the best jabs of the night and proved that Paul can battle it out with the establishment Neanderthals when need be.

It was a good night for Ron Paul, in fact he got the loudest ovation during the introductions which was refreshing considering how the South Carolinians treated him during the last debate. I’d like to say that the crowd was great and they really won over my support for South Carolina, as I was about ready to hire a witchdoctor to curse the everliving shit out of that state just a few days ago – following the last shit show. I guess it was just the people of Myrtle Beach that sucked because the Charleston crowd was a beast when it came to cheering for liberty and sanity.

The first question went to Newt Gingrich and it was about his ex-wife, who came out earlier in the day saying that he was a monster that ended their marriage because she wouldn’t give him permission to cheat. Without even answering or addressing the concerns brought up by John King, Newt brushed it off to a loud ovation. Gingrich said that he was “appalled” at the media for promoting this scandal and extremely upset that the subject kicked off the debate. As he continued to bash CNN and John King for their “despicable” actions, the crowd shot up to their feet! Honey Badger don’t give a shit! Newt finally addressed the issue after a long-winded smack down and said that the story was false and claims that he offered real witnesses to ABC that would debunk the story but apparently they weren’t interested. He went on to say that companies like ABC are just out to bash the GOP and protect Obama as he tries to get re-elected.

Now I understand Newt’s frustration and do agree with his feelings about the media but he was really just acting like a cornered dog – snapping at anything he deemed a threat. Whether the incident happened or not, it was well over a decade ago and the fact that the media and his ex-wife are bringing this story out now just shows that they are only out to hurt him. Frankly, as I’ve said before, I don’t care what a politicians dick does; I just care about how they lead and the decisions they make.

In an effort to save himself from looking like an ass, John King asks the other candidates their thoughts on the issue. Santorum skirts around giving a real answer and just mumbles about morals, leadership and Jesus. Romney says “Let’s get to the real issues.” Ron Paul warns about the corporate run media and how they can shape public opinion.

Ron Paul is then asked about whether or not we need the federal government to set up specific plans to help solve the unemployment problem. Paul says that we need sound currency and for the federal government to get out of the way. He calls for a near zero percent income tax and for regulation to be reduced in order to help create more jobs. He explains that we need to get rid of our excessive debt and malinvestments. He adds that the government shouldn’t be bailing people out and that they need to just stay out of everything. He says that they should focus on enforcing contract laws and bankruptcy. On the same subject, Newt says that we have to eliminate Dodd-Frank. He also talks about tapping into offshore natural gas, as that industry could create tons of jobs. He adds that we should look at overhauling the Corps of Engineers.

King switches the discussion over to Romney and Bain Capital. I’m so tired of this damn subject. Newt claims that Bain’s business model destroyed companies. Romney, like a fucking coward, diverts the whole issue and goes back to talking about job creation. Mittens blames Obama for using crony capitalism which is just a soulless attempt at getting cheap pops from the crowd. He then rambles about unimportant nonsense but throws “capitalism” around for even more cheap pops. It gets to the point where all I hear is “Capitalism!” “Capitalism!” “Capitalism!” “Capitalism!” and applause. Santorum jumps in and says that he “..still believes in capitalism.” Man, this guy is funny! He then tells stories about Iowa just so he can make an Iowa connection and brag about how it came out earlier in the day that he actually won Iowa and not Romney.

Ron Paul is asked if the federal government should help veterans get jobs, as statistically the unemployment problem hits vets the hardest. Paul says that he is concerned about soldiers coming home and trying to adjust to regular life again. He says that the vets do need help especially in regards to health. He talks about how veterans traditionally get shortchanged. He also talks about helping them with their mental health, as the suicide rate for veterans is very high.

Santorum is asked the same question as Paul. He feels that there should be special preferences for veterans. He then turns that into a rant about Obama wanting to cut the military and says that it is “disgusting”. On the same subject, Romney says that while he was governor of Massachusetts he helped vets with college and job training. This isn’t about you asshole. He then spins it into typical Romney rhetoric and finishes by saying he will build a military so strong, no one will dare test us. What about people who like challenges Mr Romney? Someone will always test it. Gingrich then talks some smack about Ron Paul which turns into him calling for a transition program for veterans, which is essentially the same thing Paul was suggesting.

On Obamacare, Mitt Romney says that an executive order won’t kill the bill. He says that we have to go after a complete repeal. He adds to his point that the American people need to stand strong and united in order to influence Democrats to help end Obamacare. Mitt then says that he will replace Obamacare with his own program. Huh? Wait.. what? Mitt claims that he will protect people and give them insurance options. He then says that he’ll help save health care with “free market principles”. Oddly, none of this sounds like “free market principles”. All Romney proposes to fix government intervention into health care is a different form of government intervention into health care. Government intervention is the opposite of free market.

Continuing on with the health care portion of the debate, Newt Gingrich tells parents to vote for the GOP candidate because they’ll create an environment that’ll get kids out of the house and off of their insurance plans. Santorum disses Romney and starts a Romneycare rant. Ricky Boy then starts dissing Gingrich for being in favor of individual mandates. Rick then talks about how he was the author and architect of a private health reform project that no one but him was interested in. Romney responds to Santorum saying that Romneycare wasn’t a government run system. He then points out that people in Massachusetts still approve of Romneycare 3-to-1. Mitt also claims that insurance rates dropped under his plan. Ricky Boy jumps back in and says Mitt’s facts are wrong and then reveals that Romneycare was the model for Obamacare! Dude, that’s like really old fucking news. Romney and Santorum then go back and forth for what seems like forever on Medicare and Medicaid.

Gingrich then jumps in, making it a three man dick-wagging contest. He calls Santorum “mildly lazy”. He then says that he led the charge against Hillarycare and that he was the guy that helped Rick Santorum try to gain traction with his private health reform project. He then challenges Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas style debate, which causes Santorum to make fun of him for suggesting that without having yet earned the GOP nomination. They then go back and forth as John King tries to bring Paul, the only doctor on stage, into the health care debate.

Ron Paul admits that the likelihood of repealing Obamacare isn’t good. He then talks about how he practiced medicine before government got involved and describes how well it worked back then. Paul points out that Santorum, regardless of his claims, expanded government control over health care based off of his policies. Paul then gets into the massive spending on the military and talks about how if we can bring that down, we’d have more to use elsewhere, even though he plans to attack the budget on every front.

Rick Santorum is asked about Newt Gingrich’s recent comments that called for Santorum to drop out of the race. Ricky Boy looks kind of hurt by the question, poorly shrugs it off and says that grandiosity is Newt’s style. He then points out again that he won Iowa and had twice as many votes as Newt so Newt should STFU and GTFO. Ricky Boy then claims that he was 2-0 going into South Carolina, which is a blatant lie. Then, comparing himself to Gingrich, says that he is steady and solid and even if he isn’t charismatic and doesn’t have good soundbites he is still a top tier candidate. Santorum basically said, “Hey, if you didn’t know my faults, here they are! Vote for me! Lulz!”

Gingrich then immediately gives us a Reagan name drop, as well as a Jack Kemp name drop. He goes on to describe his record versus Santorum’s and says that Rick isn’t qualified to be president. He adds that we need real leadership that can take on big projects and makes it known that Santorum can’t carry the ball at that level. Ricky Boy snaps back, getting personal, saying that under Newt, the House of Representatives was “undisciplined”. He then says that Newt doesn’t have the courage to stand up against rival leadership. Newt then lists off all the shit he did that he feels is bad ass, in an effort to prove that he is a rebel.

Continuing with the pot-stiriing bullshit, John King asks Romney about him calling Gingrich an unreliable leader. Mitt diverts the question in typical Mitt fashion and instead, talks about how the spat between Newt and Rick is why we need “a guy that’s lived in the streets to run this country.” By streets he means inside of the gated community. Romney filibusters for so long he pauses, looks at Newt and literally asks him “where are we at?” because he can’t even remember the original question and apparently can’t follow his own train of thoughts. Mitt comes back though and takes a shot at Newt saying that if he and Reagan were so tight, why is he only mentioned once in his diary.. oh snap! Gingrich doesn’t even flinch, he just name drops Reagan again, ignoring Mitt’s comment about them not being homies. Suddenly everything starts to fall apart on stage and we are stuck in another long-winded three man dick-wagging contest. There was almost some full-on full frontal fencing between the three swashbucklers.

The issue of releasing tax returns is brought up. Ron Paul says that he is afraid to release his as he’d feel embarrassed to have his income compared to those of the other men on stage. Paul jokingly points out that he isn’t a fat cat like the dick-wagging three amigos who are ballin’ outta control. Romney says he will release his taxes in April when he is done with them. Hasn’t this motherfucker heard of Turbo Tax? It’s January and I’ve got my taxes done already. That shit only took twenty minutes! Romney then wastes everyone’s time to ramble about Obama playing golf while Americans are out of work. He then bitches about the pipeline and Obamacare and doesn’t seem to realize that other people need to answer the tax question. Gingrich says that if there is nothing to hide, then Mitt should release his tax info. Newt adds that he released his earlier in the evening. Santorum says that his taxes are on his computer at home and that he hasn’t done them yet, as he’s been campaigning. When asked exactly when and how he will release his tax info, Mitt says that he doesn’t know and gets greeted with a chorus of incredibly loud boos. However, South Carolinians are apparently gullible as Mitt quickly adds that he “..won’t apologize for being successful”, which causes them all to cheer. I think these people have serious ADD.

Santorum and Paul then get into a spat. Ricky Boy starts by saying he would cut corporate taxes in order to allow us to compete with our foreign rivals. Paul comes in and says that you have to create the right conditions to bring companies back to America. He explains how free trade with China actually helps the American economy, contrary to modern conservative bullshit. Paul then points out that Santorum has damaged the economy by not supporting “right to work”. Santorum snaps back saying that he would support it as president. Sure you would now dicknose because you’re pandering to the people!

The hot button issue of the week, SOPA and PIPA, come up. Just the mention of SOPA gets the crowd fired up to where they boo loudly and uncontrollably. Gingrich is questioned about it first and he responds to King saying, “You’re asking a conservative about the intellectual interest of Hollywood?” In typical fashion, Newt’s clever one-liner got a lot of applause and cheers, however it is just a clever one-liner and pretty soulless as it offers no substance and doesn’t answer anything. Truth be told, whether he’s a conservative and Hollywood is liberal doesn’t matter. Artists have a right to own their own property and not have it infringed upon. Newt doesn’t care about the rights of who he perceives as his enemy however. Now I am not saying this in support of SOPA and PIPA, I vehemently oppose those laws; I am just pointing out how empty Newt’s one-liners are. After his big soundbite, he looks a little befuddled, like he has no idea what all this SOPA and PIPA talk is. He does finally add that laws already exist that allow companies to sue those who infringe on them.

Romney says that Gingrich is right and adds that the SOPA and PIPA laws are too intrusive and too expansive. He feels that these laws would have a “depressing impact” on the Internet and all of the industries attached to it. Romney wants more effective laws to bring the digital pirates to justice and says that these laws aren’t going to do that.

Ron Paul tells us that he was the first Republican to come out and oppose the law. He then says that the bills will not pass but that everyone should be vigilant as similar laws will come back up in the future. Paul feels that the Republicans have been on the wrong side of the issue. He then says that freedom and the Constitution bring people together and this is a great example of it due to the strong opposition to these laws all over the Internet.

Santorum says that he doesn’t agree with the law but then goes on a tangent about how the Internet isn’t a free zone where people can just trample on the rights of others. What the fuck does he know? His computer is powered by musk turtles. Santorum, who is talking against SOPA and PIPA, as the crowd hates it, still thinks that there should be a law like it. He then asks, “Who on the Internet said ‘anything goes’?” Shut up fucktard.

The debate then shifts to illegal immigration and border security, which these fucking guys have talked to death every single debate. I honestly lose interest and find myself staring into an empty bottle of bourbon that was used to wash down the twelve pounds of sushi I ate just a couple of hours prior. I snap out of my sushi-bourbon coma and hear Newt talking about modernizing visas, Ron Paul talking about how taking care of the needs of illegals hurts our schools and hospitals and then I get distracted by porn on the other television.

Gingrich and Romney argue over pro-life shit for quite some time and then Santorum jumps in making it round three of the GOP dick fencing competition. John King steps in after this abortion debate has raged on forever and goes to Ron Paul in an effort to change the subject. The crowd immediately erupts with boos as they are not happy that, once again, the only doctor on the stage was left out of a medical portion of the debate.

Ron Paul, on abortion, says that laws won’t correct the morality of people. Santorum jumps on his shit and says that he only has a 50 percent “right to life” voting record, responding to what he thinks is an attack on him by Paul. Ron Paul laughs and tells Ricky Boy that he is “too sensitive” as he wasn’t referring to him in his comments. Paul then goes on to explain how bullshit his 50 percent “right to life” voting record is, as he follows the Constitution and his record with that is 100 percent. Paul further explains that these “right to life” laws should be handled at the state level and that is how he has always voted. Santorum just stands there like a dork dick with his bitch tail between his bitch knees.

The debate ends with a segment where the candidates are given time to beg the South Carolinians for their vote. They all say what they have all been known to say over the course of this primary adventure and I don’t feel like wasting time typing out the details. This was a pretty good debate, there have been better ones and worse ones. Ron Paul’s time was limited due to the gay three-way the other candidates were having but Paul utilized the time he had brilliantly and really pulled off one of his best performances. Paul was the real winner here and Gingirch, although I don’t like many of his answers, also did well after having a really shitty day due to his ex-wife. Santorum sucked per usual and Mitt just looked like a sack of crap. Mitt getting booed made me giddy inside.

Grading Scale:
Grade A+: Ron Paul
Grade A-: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Rick Santorum
Grade D-: Mitt Romney

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Now I have often times given Newt Gingrich props in my critiques of the numerous debates that have been hitting television screens nearly once a week, and in some cases more, since earlier this year. I’ve often referred to him as the “Honey Badger” due to the fact that he was at the bottom of the barrel when he entered the race but through his ferocity, fire and heart has clawed his way through the competition and proved that he is probably the best debater in the game today. Newt is a fucking wordsmith and perfectly capable of handing Obama his ass if they were ever to go head-to-head. However, as exciting as he is to watch and as bad ass as he can seem when smacking some toad moderator for belching a “gotcha” question at him, Newt does have a track record that is horrendous and many of his positions, when really looked at, paint the man as a wannabe dictator vying for the American throne so he can impose his tyrannical will on us under the false guise of liberty, freedom and security. This guy has grown on me, as far as his debate skills go, but I still would never vote for him or brush aside his incredibly awful baggage. Newt who likes to throw the term “enemy combatant” around must fail to realize that he is an enemy combatant of the Constitution.

Now I know one of the biggest criticisms of Mr. Gingrich is his infidelity and the fact that he served his wife with divorce papers while she was in the hospital. As I’ve stated elsewhere, I don’t really care about such things when it comes to the job of being a political leader. It doesn’t excuse Newt’s actions and he is still a bag of shit for it but as long as he can do the job, I’m not too concerned with his slippery prick. Besides, honey badgers are animals and therefore cannot help behaving like animals. Newt is, in many ways, the worst kind of animal. Besides, focusing on his dick’s misadventures is what the mainstream media is doing because they are pulling at the morality strings of the undersexed over-religious GOP voter base and thus distracting from the real issue: Newt’s bi-polar record.

This establishment bastard has been in the game for so long, I don’t feel like I need to really dig all that deep in finding questionable acts to stick to this man. Unlike my critiques on Herman Cain and Rick Perry, this piece doesn’t need to pull back the layers and expose the leech covered sores. Newt wears these disgusting lesions proudly and so many people don’t even seem to care! Some of these people that are defending and supporting this monster are the very same Tea Party people who claim they are against Newt’s specific type of evil. I guess this is what happens when you allow your movement to be overcome and dictated to by primetime talking heads who spew nothing less than concentrated idiocy and establishment gibberish under the guise of freedom, liberty and “fiscal conservatism”. And when these overpaid overly-opinionated ass clowns are the top spokespeople for the cable news network that employs Newt Gingrich, you can expect a special sort of bullshit being rolled up and served to the easily influenced Tea Party majority.

Not to go off on a separate tangent but I truly miss the Tea Party that was created by Ron Paul’s 2008 campaign. Yes, Ron Paul created the Tea Party. The same Tea Party that pretty much loathes his ideas in favor of the same old, tired, never-worked establishment Republican policies that got us into this fucking mess to begin with. Yes, a mess these people bitch about yet continue to perpetuate by supporting anyone else in the GOP primary that isn’t Ron Paul, Gary Johnson or Jon Huntsman. Johnson got so sick of this goddamned idiocy that he left the party and has now joined up with the Libertarian Party. If Paul doesn’t get the GOP nomination, Johnson will be the one getting my vote in November. I refuse to choose the lesser of two bastards any longer. Hell, I refuse to even entertain the idea that political parties even mean anything or stand for something anymore. All they stand for is toeing the line and maintaining power, by any means necessary. Well, when you have a large pile of red shit and a large pile of blue shit, it’s time to wipe your ass and flush them both.

Getting back to Newt, someone recently posted a comment on a poll I put up on my website TheSwash.com. The comment listed dozens of negatives that Newt Gingrich has on his record. Now I am not going to run through all of them but I will mention some. I truly hope that most of you reading these words that I am frantically typing like the over-caffeinated jackrabbit I am right now, already know the majority of this information. As I’ve said, this dickhead has been in the spotlight for far too long and his shitty record is widely known. For those who aren’t aware, prepare to swallow some bitter pills, especially if you are a supporter of this two-bit cockroach.

Going back to 1987, when Mr. Gingrich was just a congressman and not yet Speaker of the House, he co-sponsored the Fairness in Broadcasting Act of 1987 (H.R. 1934). This bill wasn’t just unconstitutional, it was anti-constitutional. The original Fairness Doctrine was introduced by the FCC in 1949 and its purpose was to force the holders of broadcast licenses (according to Wikipedia) “..to both present controversial issues of public importance and to do so in a manner that was, in the Commission’s view, honest, equitable and balanced.” In essence, radio and television stations were made to follow these guidelines regardless of whatever it was that they wanted to present. This was an attack on the First Amendment. In fact, even the FCC saw this eventually and they voted 4-0 to abolish it in 1987. Unfortunately, Newt Gingrich co-sponsored the bill that would bring this tyranny back to broadcasting and in the end Congress passed the bill. Luckily for us, Ronald Reagan grabbed his pen and vetoed the shit out of it. Then in 1991, the first Bush vetoed another attempt at bringing back the Fairness Doctrine from Newt and his anti-Constitution cronies.

Also in 1991, Newt Gingrich voted for an amendment that would have created a national police force. Newt has always been a pimp for the police state. Between this attempt at disregarding the Constitution, once again, and his undying love for tyrannical nonsense like the PATRIOT Act, Mr. Gingrich wants us all to be ruled over by an iron fist. It also doesn’t help that he continually preaches to us about all of the “threats” out there who want to kill us because we’re free. Newt’s fear-mongering insanity knows no bounds and it is all really just a smokescreen to coerce the easily duped public into thinking that we need to live behind a giant “protective” wall.

A few years later, in 1993, he voted for the North American Free Trade Agreement Implementation Act or NAFTA. This is a bill that also slaps the Constitution in the face as it wraps its clenched fist around the throat of American sovereignty. This bill essentially created a union between the United States, Canada and Mexico in a similar way to the European Union but not as widely known or publicized. First of all, the government can’t legislate free trade. That idea is Orwellian doublethink and doublespeak at its absolute finest! Free trade CANNOT be legislated, it has to be free of law to be free trade, that is common sense. No laws, restrictions or regulations over trade IS free trade. The whole NAFTA issue is something that deserves its own article as I do not have the time or the space to fully dissect it here without getting completely sidetracked and writing a piece that completely gets away from the point of this article. I will say this however, between the NAFTA madness, the police state insanity and the broadcasting bullshit, it isn’t hard to see what Mr. Gingrich’s true agenda is. For those unable to connect the dots thus far, Newt wants to control us all through fear so he and his crony colleagues can elevate themselves as our masters and rule over us lesser beings who need to be provided for and looked after. Newt Gingrich believes himself to be smarter than every last one of us and he believes that it is his destiny to manage us as he sees fit because we are too stupid and naive to be free.

In 1994, He supported the GATT Treaty which gave sovereignty to the United Nations. Aha! Newt is a globalist shitcock! Now his previously mentioned power grabs are starting to make even more sense! You see, GATT or the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade attempted to create the International Trade Organization (ITO) but ultimately failed. Unfortunately for us, and UN countries all over the world, the ITO was the framework that in just a year’s time became the WTO or World Trade Organization: same damn thing, just better sounding name. At it’s core the WTO is unconstitutional, in fact it more or less vetoes the Constitution in that it is made up of multinational corporations out for their own interests at the expense of the citizens of all the nations forced to be involved in this charade. As with NAFTA, this whole bullshit mess needs its own piece written on it. The fact of the matter is, the four biggest legislative nightmares that Newt supported before even becoming Speaker of the House, are all attacks against the Constitution. Newt is NOT the Tea Party candidate, well unless the Tea Party is now just a marketing and propaganda tool of the establishment GOP. At this point, it is. Swallow that pill and accept it kiddos because that ship has already left the fucking harbor. You may have seen it floating by with Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich, Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Tim Pawlenty and Sarah Palin all waving from the stern as it went off into the sunset. Rick Perry and Mitt Romney were in a little dingy frantically rowing after them.

What are some other tyrannical and questionable things that Newt has done? Well, in 1995 he said that drug smuggling should carry a death sentence. He later said that someone charged with having marijuana should be executed! In fact, he introduced H.R. 4170 which demanded a life-sentence or execution for someone bringing just two ounces of marijuana across the border! Is he fucking insane?! Between this and wanting to bomb everybody, Newt is so quick to want to murder people. Honey badgers must eat their own shit when they can’t find bees and cobras to dine on. In 1996, he tried to create his own CIA mission to kill off the Iranian leaders. You see, Gingrich has had it out for the Iranians since day one. Maybe he just isn’t a fear-monger, maybe he actually believes the bullshit he espouses. Then again, it was probably just for an oil grab. Also in 1996, he voted for and supported the largest increase ever on Federal education spending. Around this time he wrote the foreword to a book by Alvin and Heidi Toffler called “Creating a New Civilization: The Politics of the Third Wave”. That book’s premise was about how technological advancement would change civilization and because of that we needed to basically throw out the Constitution and the old ways and move forward into the future in new ways. It sounds compelling if you are an idiot. The new way proposed in this book is essentially the blueprints for a fascist world government. No thanks assholes.

Southern Avenger Jack Hunter actually talks about the issue of Newt and the Tofflers in this great video.

Always hating pro-constitutionalist Ron Paul, Newt actually used his power to help popular Democrat Greg Laughlin switch parties in an attempt to beat Republican Paul in the 1996 primaries for a congressional seat. The attempt failed but that doesn’t excuse Newt of trying to sabotage a fellow Republican by siding with a rival and abusing his power to help that rival against his own party. Newt is a fucking scumbag, only out for his own gain and if any of us oppose him, he will stop at nothing to try and destroy us. Truth be told, leading up to this incident, Newt Gingrich urged fellow Republicans to tone down their conservative views and to modernize going into the future. Newt has never really been a Republican or a conservative and, in his heart, apparently hates his party. Then again, so do many Republicans, which is why the party has turned into a shell of what it once was decades ago.

Some other things worth mentioning about Newt after he was embarrassingly forced out of office for unethical penile conquests that cost him a record breaking $300,000 are some of the bullshit things he has said. In 2006 he said that, “Free speech should be curtailed in order to fight terrorism”. He also added that he wanted the terrorists to be blocked from using the Internet and said that we needed to have a “..serious debate about the 1st Amendment.” Gingrich then went on to call for a Geneva Convention for terrorists so that it would be clear and concise on who the Constitution did not apply to. He supported Bush’s proposal for mandatory carbon caps and went on to make a climate change commercial with Nancy Pelosi, one of the most vilest women the world has ever seen. He also lobbied for ethanol subsidies and suggested that Flex-Fuel vehicles be mandated for Americans.

Gingrich has supported the TARP bailouts in the past. He was paid $300,000 by Freddie Mac to halt Congress from bringing necessary reform and thus, he benefitted from the tyranny that caused the housing bubble to burst. He calls for Singapore-style drug tests for Americans. He calls for us to attack Iran, North Korea and other nations. Newt wants us in perpetual war which sounds like he comes from the same mold as Big Brother in George Orwell’s “1984″. He opposes property rights, especially for the owner of the infamous mosque being built near Ground Zero in New York City. In fact, Mr. Gingrich has compared the mosque supporters to Nazis. Newt has even defended Romneycare in the past! He has said that a website owner, reporter or a blogger that promotes transparency at the expense of secrecy (in this case Julian Assange of Wikileaks) is an enemy combatant that needs to be hunted down and executed for publishing leaked government memos. There he goes trying to murder someone again! Maybe Newt hasn’t heard of the Pentagon Papers case that went before the Supreme Court in the early 1970′s which protects journalists from this sort of tyranny. Then again, Newt said very recently that, as president, he would ignore the Supreme Court if need be.

Just this year alone, Newt has said that we are “losing the War on Terror” and that the conflict will last as long as the Cold War. He has flip-flopped on the Libyan situation again and again, depending upon who he is talking to and who he feels is listening. He says that America is being attacked by Islamic atheists.. huh?! He has taken credit for helping develop the model for Homeland Security. Yeah, that’s something to be proud of dude. He has criticized the United Nations several times recently because it is the popular thing to do now. Unfortunately, his record shows that he has done nothing but support the UN and their world government agenda since before he was even Speaker of the House.

On medical issues, he claims to have no regrets in supporting Medicare drug coverage and he said that the GOP’s plan to cut back on Medicare, in an effort to control spending, was “too big a jump.” He supported individual health care mandates even more than Mitt Romney. He has even backed Obama’s individual mandate by saying, “All of us have a responsibility to help pay for health care.” In 1993, he endorsed individual mandates when the Clintons pushed for their brand of universal health care.

As far as his campaign goes, one of his major video ads said that he wants to “find solutions together, and insist on imposing those solutions on those who do not want to change.” What?! His staff quit his campaign en masse several months ago. Amazingly he has bounced up to the top of the pack, although he is now falling back down. Maybe it is because his poorly managed campaign is over $1 Million in debt! The most laughable thing about his campaign is that he hired a company to create a fake Twitter profile to appear as if he had a solid following. But out of all his promises and crazy schemes, nothing is more scarier than the fact that he plans to sign as many as 200 executive orders on his first day as president! That would be the biggest abuse of power in a single day.. ever.

Newt Gingrich is the last man that should be running for president. Personally, at this point, I could give two shits about the Republican Party. However, I do care about conservatives and libertarians. This guy is neither of those, he is at the very opposite end of the spectrum and to entertain the idea that he isn’t is foolhardy, careless and naive beyond any measurable calculation. Mr. Gingrich can talk his way out of any situation but so can the Devil. Whereas the Devil quotes scripture to dupe the masses, Gingrich talks of liberty and freedom. However, the reality is that Gingrich has no intention of promoting liberty and freedom, his only intention is to impose his will on all of us and to squash any of us who may speak out against him. Newt Gingrich wants us all to live in fear of all these “threats” but the biggest threat to our lives, our liberty, our freedom and our future is Mr. Gingrich himself. Don’t buy into the hype and keep this bastard at bay!

*Written by Rob Rimes.

This debate was awesome! No, it wasn’t necessarily the best as far as content and hammering home runs but it was by far the most entertaining. There were fights, poking, prodding and almost a few punches thrown in. In fact, I have never seen Mitt Romney turn so red. It was great and the best part was that the three candidates I like the least looked like the biggest bitches of the night. How so? Well, let me break down the debate and expose the little hoes for their little hoe actions while the adults and misfits in the room just stared on in gleeful excitement of what should have been a few campaign implosions. Of course there aren’t any implosions because the media has to continue to prop up their golden boys.

To start, we are given Anderson Cooper as the moderator of the debate. I like having one moderator and I like Cooper much better than throat-gurgler John King and the man with the coolest name ever Wolf Blitzer. Coop did a good job at keeping the debate moving, probably better than any moderator on any other channel. He also stirred the pot in a good way to get the trio of prima-donnas worked up just enough to make for great television. My hat, if I were currently wearing one, would be tipped for Mr. Cooper.

The debate started off with the generic introductions. Santorum came out and waved to the crowd like a dork dick. He used his kids for an early cheap pop from the crowd and came off as a lame ass. Bachmann was smiling so wide that you couldn’t see her eyes. She was dressed like a cast member of ‘The Love Boat’. Ron Paul referred to himself as the “champion of liberty”, which he is compared to this bunch. Cain said he’s a problem solver and Mitt said he was as well. Mitt’s already jacking for beats. Perry calls himself an “authentic conservative not a conservative of convenience.” Ex-Democrats are funny. Newt then steps up and just lets us know that he’s up in the house in rabid honey badger form!

Hey, there’s no Jon Huntsman! Oh, that’s because he is boycotting Vegas because of some early primary drama or something. It’s pretty goddamned stupid to boycott a pivotal debate when your numbers are so dismal but whatever. In any event, this was Jon Huntsman’s best debate yet! Santorum was also supposed to boycott but apparently he doesn’t stand by what he says. He should have because he failed in this debate and looked like a total fucking bitch. In fact, let me break down Racquetball Rick’s performance at the Las Vegas debate.

Rick Santorum, the poster boy for Penn balls, starts off his portion of the debate jumping in on the 999 bashing. He claims that Cain’s 999 Plan is not good for families. Rick Santorum isn’t good for anyone, plain and fucking simple. Santorum also squeezes in some time to suck the peepees of Romney and Perry when the discussion of job creation comes up. Santorum is a panderer who knows he will lose and is trying to butter up the golden boys in an effort to get a job when his teaching gig at the tennis club is over.

However, just to set himself apart in a wasted no-win effort, Santorum drags the Romneycare skeleton back out of the closet. When Mitt dismisses it and promises to kill Obamacare no matter what, Santorum has a meltdown and acts like the biggest bitch ever; I think his water must’ve broke! In fact, Santorum talks over Mitt and runs down Mitt’s time to respond and when the time runs out, Santorum gladly taunts Mitt by saying, “You’re out of time Mitt!” Wow, what a fanciful tactic employed by such a worthless maroon. This would not be the only time Mitt faced some heat. All this did though was make Santorum look like a bratty child and it hurt his run for the White House.

Santorum, the time thief, then gets into a spat with Rick Perry which is also a waste of time since it is between these two. He goes on some pro-relgio-family rant that no one is paying attention to. Santorum is asked if what religion a candidate is is important. He responds with values, values, morals, morals, family, family, faith, faith, Jesus, amen. When the issue of military spending comes up, Santorum promises not to cut a penny and says that it is the president’s job to protect the people. If that’s true, Obama better step in homie and protect you from yourself because every time you open your mouth it is like witnessing career suicide. And that’s basically it for Santorum.

Where’s Gary Johnson?

The next candidate I should examine is Michele Bachmann. Like Santorum and Huntsman, I can’t believe she is still in this race. I guess performing in Vegas for the GOP crowd with Wayne Newton in your corner is a potential campaign booster but I doubt it will matter here. In fact, it really doesn’t. Bachmann just does her Bachmann schtick and unless she is giving out free concert tickets like she did in Iowa for straw poll votes, she’s pretty much a non-contender at this point.

Somehow, Bachmann was lucky enough to get the first question from Anderson Cooper. She used this opportunity to jump right into bashing Herman Cain’s 999 Plan. She went as far as to say it could become 90-90-90. Yeah, that’s pretty extreme lady, even for the federal government. Scare tactics, even ones that carry some truth, eventually backfire. Bachmann goes on to explain, from her POV, that the 999 Plan is just going to open the door for a VAT tax. She’s not necessarily wrong here. It amazes me though that Bachmann has 5 years more experience in politics than Herman Cain does. He’s so smooth and calculating while she just feeds into my worst media-manufactured fears about her.

At some point during the debate when others are talking, Bachmann keeps calling out “..Anderson, Anderson, Anderson..” like Mr. Cooper is one of her 9,743 foster kids. She goes on some generic “repeal, repeal, repeal” spiel and tells us to visit MicheleBachmann.com. I guess she’s running a special Tea party Beanie Baby sale or something. With her weird cruise director-style frosted white shirt and crazed look, I can’t help but think she looks like a piece of fascist angel food cake.

When it comes time to talk about illegal immigration, Bachmann admits that not only does she want to build a fence, she wants to build a double fence! Whoa! Lady that’s crazy! I thought you were a “fiscal conservative”? Isn’t a double fence essentially two fences? And aren’t two fences twice as expensive as one fence? Maybe the fence store is running a two-for-on special on fences this week. If that’s the case, I guess she can somewhat claim the title of “fiscal conservative” but realistically, even one fence is expensive as hell.

Other Bachmann highlights are that she says she will enforce English as the language of America. Not sure how she’ll enforce it but it sounds like something a neocon would say right before putting a gun to your head. Bachmann says she is concerned about magnets. Apparently, those pesky illegals get stuck to them and we can’t get them off. Bachmann also says that she spends most of her time talking to moms. One has to wonder if they are real moms or her alter-egos. She’s stealing a page from the Palin playbook with her mom comment but at least she didn’t call them grizzly bears or bullfrogs or whatever. Bachmann goes on to sell us on the Iran charade about them wanting to eat our kids and blast us with bombs they don’t have. Bachmann has no real answers to any real questions except the one about Israel. She basically says she’ll throw money at them which gets a cheap pop from the crowd. Closing out the night Bachmann says she is the “most different” candidate from Obama on the stage. Nope, Ron Paul is lady. You’re just shit smeared on burnt toast.

Next up is Captain Boring a.k.a. Rick Perry. This guy is dry, humorless and a horrible wordsmith. Between the long pauses and the staring off into space, Perry’s verbalized thoughts were incredibly hard to follow. He has no substance, just very boring talking points and a haircut.

Rick Perry also jumps on the anti-999 train, as it is the popular thing to do. He goes off on Cain about his plan even though he has no plan of his own. As he says at every debate, his plan is “on the way”. After the 999 exchange, Perry goes on some sort of energy speech/rant that gets some applause. I think they were just clapping because he finished a thought albeit somewhat sluggishly. It was hard to follow what he was saying as it was about as coherent as my drunk Uncle Seymour singing Klingon opera over Soulja Boy beats.

Perry claims that Texas has one of the best medical systems in the world which brings up the discussion about creating magnets for illegal aliens. This discussion almost turns into an all out war between Perry and Romney. Perry claims that Romney knowingly hired illegal aliens to work in his mansion, which sets Romney off. Romney tries to argue back but Perry, like Santorum, talks over Romney trying to sabotage his defense and use up his time. Romney gets angrier and angrier and visibly turns red. The Mormon fire is burning inside! However, the Texas fire is burning too! Both guys take some low blows and some cheap shots and no one really cares about the substance, we just want to see a fight. Man, I wish they would’ve started swinging so it would kill both of their campaigns. Then again, people would probably applaud it and both would skyrocket in the polls. Where I stand, these guys failed miserably, as did Santorum. My three least favorite candidates looked like a trio of whiney emotional tools.

Other Perry highlights include him calling for a virtual defense program over a fence. He also mentions that drones are being trained. I guess he thinks drones are people. Aw.. that’s kinda cute. Perry is a special fella. Perry goes on to punk out Bachmann on her double fence talk however it backfires as all his two-year-old bitching is getting him, at this point, is boos. One good thing Perry does say though, is that we need to seriously look at the issue of foreign aid and that we need to defund the UN. Perry then claims he made Facebook, eBay and Caterpillar or something like that. He did work for Al Gore so I can see where those sort of delusions may have come from.

Looking at Mitt Romney’s performance is tedious. Yes he looks presidential and he even acts presidential considering that the last handful of them were pandering thieving lying douches. In fact, he is also a copycat as he goes right after Cain’s 999 Plan to kick off his side of the debate. Mitt and Herman exchange blows and their argument does nothing to convince me that either is right in their stance.

Apart from the War of the Haircuts between Mittens and Perry, there weren’t many Mitt highlights. He spent most of his time defending himself while being talked over. He also turned a weird shade of red a few times. However a few notable things were that he pimped out states’ rights and he showed that he has more catchphrases than the Rock. He also tried to educate Ron Paul on foreign policy but this was like watching a preschooler telling a surgeon how to do open heart surgery. Mitt did have a great diss though when he equated Perry’s experience as governor to a college football coach that has lost 40 games.

Newt Gingrich was somewhat of a savior for the debate as Anderson Cooper usually went to him after the children in the room were having a spat. Newt in his cool, calm and collective way worked the room like a goddamned mastermind and once again shined and earned the respect of those watching. As I’ve said several times, I do not fully agree with Newt’s policies but goddamn he’s a leader and a fucking statesman. I used to loathe this guy and he has won me over which is damn near impossible to do once you’ve made it on my shit list. Newt has done just that though and I love watching this guy debate. He’d eat up Obama like a Kid Cuisine. If Ron Paul wasn’t in this race, I’d probably vote for Newt. Unfortunately, Gary Johnson, my second choice, gets no respect and he can’t gain momentum without being invited to the debates.

Newt also gets involved in the 999 debate and says that there are a lot more complexities to the plan than Herman Cain is letting on. I agree. Newt gives Cain props for bringing us something real to discuss and look at but he can’t fully support the idea. Newt goes on to call out Romney as a big government stooge with his Romneycare plan. Mitt then rebuttals Newt with a lie about Newt and Newt quickly checks his ass like Wolverine backhanding a stray cat. Newt don’t care! Newt don’t give a shit! “Watch out”, says that bird!

Herman Cain, who surged after the last debate, had a pretty weak performance in my opinion and I believe it is because his lack of political experience is finally showing. As the debate started with everyone attacking his 999 Plan, he really did nothing to defend it. He continually told everyone that they were wrong, regardless of their information. He told everyone to read the plan and to do their own math. Sorry brother but this isn’t going to fly. You can’t keep telling people to read it, you have to educate the people first and get them passionate about it. If you don’t have the ability to defend your plan without just brushing off criticism as being wrong, then no one will care. My biggest fear is that Cain really has no rebuttal because all the critics are right. By how this has been handled by Cain himself, I’m siding with the critics. Besides, everything they’ve said, I’ve thought about myself before this debate. After reading the bill, I can’t find anything in it to correct or even soothe these concerns. All Cain really gives us is talk of “apples and oranges”. He seems to get really flustered by all the haters and his tone changes a bit with each candidate who doubts him. As pimpalicious as Cain can be, he showed signs of having thin skin.

Getting away from the 999 issue, Cain tells us that we need to repeal Obamacare and look at revisiting bill HR 3400 as a way to help solve the issues with health care in this country. I’ll have to read up on that. Cain also mentions that we need to promote our path to citizenship in an effort to help alleviate the illegal alien issue. Cain owns up to flip-flopping on TARP. He’s had many other economic follies however. Cain says the anger of the Occupy Wall Street Movement is misdirected yet he takes a bullet for the Federal Reserve again. Cain is a minion of the Fed, that much is clear at this point. This spawns into an argument with Ron Paul about the tyranny of the Federal Reserve, which I’ll touch on in a bit.

Cain tells us he will not negotiate with terrorists under any circumstances which contradicts something he said in an interview earlier in the day before the debate. Cain closes out the night by pimping his skills at running small companies. I never knew that Coca-Cola, Burger King, Godfather’s Pizza, Pillsbury, Nabisco, Whirlpool and Reader’s Digest were small companies. Surprising, because I see them everywhere.

Ron Paul probably had his best debate yet. He starts by calling the 999 Plan dangerous and that we need to replace the income tax with nothing! Hell yes! He says that he promises to cut $1 trillion dollars in his first year! Oh hell yeah! I bet “fiscal conservative” Bachmann dropped a turd in her ‘Love Boat’ digs when she heard that. When asked about an alternative to Obamacare, Paul says there needs to be no alternative and that individuals should be allowed to opt out of government medicine if they want to. I can dig that. Ron Paul points out that as soon as the government becomes involved in anything, lobbyists line up.

Ron Paul calls for us to examine the real reasons why illegal aliens flock to America and that we have to end these incentives and promote citizenship. He points out that in a free society the group mentality would dissolve, there would be no more “us versus them”. Herman Cain cuts in to tell us that 999 will give Latinos the American dream. Ron Paul talks about securing the border but shows us our own folly when he informs the clueless pack of non-liberty candidates that they are more concerned with the Afghanistan-Pakistan border than the United States-Mexico border.

On the Yucca Mountain issue, Ron Paul calls for states’ rights and says that no state should be forced to be the other 49 states garbage dump. In this case, Nevada would be made the United States’ nuclear waste dump. This is an issue that gets brushed under the rug, as the only people it really effects is the people of Nevada.

The next big Ron Paul moment came at the expense of Herman Cain when he was compelled to educate Fed insider Cain on the reality of the Federal Reserve, which he willingly took another bullet for. In reference to Occupy Wall Street, Paul tells Cain that we need to take the anger to the Federal Reserve and that we need to understand bubbles and their origin. Paul tells Cain to not trust the government and to put his trust in the marketplace. True words from a real man.

Ron Paul then feels the need to once again educate the candidates and the people watching on the difference between military spending and defense spending. He warns that we are spread too thin all over the world and that we are overextending our resources. He says that we’d be safer if we weren’t in so many places. On foreign aid, Ron Paul refers to it as a system that steals from the poor in a rich country (the United States) and gives to the rich in a poor country. He talks about how our foreign aid makes Israel dependent on us and it prevents them from fully standing on their own two feet. Ron Paul’s shocking honesty is met with gasps because the truth hurts like a motherfucker.

In the end, this was a pretty good debate. The lovers quarrels were entertaining and Anderson Cooper ran a smooth show. Cooper also gave a fair amount of time to everyone for the most part. I felt that Ron Paul was on more of an even playing field with the golden boy candidates and everyone really got their say in about most of the topics. CNN certainly stepped their game up and it was kind of refreshing.

Anyway, this was like the 37th debate and I know we have several dozen more so it is going to be a long road for all of these candidates. I will say this though, it is time for Santorum, Huntsman and Bachmann to drop out. You’re wasting our time and without you there the top tier guys could get more time to hash some shit out. I know, I know.. you’re still in the hunt. You can’t back out yet, you’re all just on the cusp of going from 3% to 4%. Besides, who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to ask for any favors. Ah well, guess I’m stuck watching the preliminary card before the real fight.

Grading Scale:
Grade A+: Ron Paul
Grade A-: Newt Gingrich
Grade C-: Herman Cain
Grade D: Mitt Romeny
Grade D-: Rick Perry
Grade F: Rick Santorum
Grade F: Michele Bachmann
Grade I: Jon Huntsman
Grade I: Gary Johnson

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Here we go again, another critique if you will on another primary debate for the GOP candidates who want to go head-to-head with Obama in 2012. This debate was the first to include, now front-runner, Texas Governor Rick Perry. He is a vile douchebag that I wrote about in ”American Psycho: The Ballad of Rick Perry“. This was also the first debate to not include Tim Pawlenty, as he dropped out of the race like a defeated little bitch even though he was voted third place after the last debate. As with all the other debates besides the first, Gary Johnson was nowhere to be found, which is fucking sacrilege. Thaddeus McCotter, another GOP candidate was also left out. He’s a guy I’d like to hear more from, even though his record is somewhat questionable. Then again, it’s nowhere near as bad as the records of the mainstream media’s handpicked golden boys.

The lineup this round consisted of my favorite candidate Ron Paul, the only one that matters; there were others as well however. The media’s new chosen golden boy Rick Perry was ready to duke it out with their original golden boy Mitt Romney. Awesome business man and non-politician Herman Cain was on stage, as was the lord of fire Newt Gingrich and supermom Michele Bachmann. Oh yeah, some how Rick Santorum and Jon Huntsman were invited too.

This debate was the first one to air on MSNBC as it was hosted by NBC and Politico. While those two organizations try to pass of as impartial and non-partisan, they are very liberal organizations. This is not a bad thing at all however. The contrast between the philosophies of the panel of moderators and the candidates should make for some entertaining television and give us a fresh perspective in this long drawn-out election cycle or so one would think.

Now I haven’t seen the tally of who had the most time but as a viewer, it felt that Perry and Romney got about half of the total debate time allotted to them and their banter against each other. I asked several other people and they also felt that this was the Perry-Romney Supershow Variety Hour. Because of this, most of the debate was lame. However, let me sum the shit up for you.

The night of course started with Emperor Rick Perry bragging about his record and how awesome he is as Texas’ dictator. Most of what he said about himself was bullshit but nobody cares because nobody checks facts anymore (here is a link for you though). Note to self: if I ever run for president I have to tell everyone I used to be a T-Rex; they’ll never know and I’ll be a fucking shoe in! Anyway, Perry lies and Romney stares at him like he wants a lick of the Perry Tootsie Pop. There’s too much good hair on the screen at one time. Mitt’s hair looks better on this night though.

So immediately the debate swings over to Mitt Romney, as the golden boys have to get the jump on the competition. He says a bunch of unimportant unmemorable shit which causes Perry to snap back and diss Mittens. It’s a golden boy shit show right off the bat! Perry disses on Mitt for his bad public sector record compared to his “great” private sector record. Mitt throws a low blow.. ba-jing! Perry and Romney go into a zing war! Shit! It’s like watching the douches smack each other with their wangs! With the country falling apart, these guys are giving us a bad reality show style squabble instead of giving us mind-blowing solutions to our peril. Whatever, the public loves them and they’re so handsome!

After the fight between the two middle school girls, our attention is directed towards Rick Santorum. How is this shitcock maroon still in this goddamned race? I think he’s only on the stage because he got lost on his way to the racquetball courts. Santorum is synonymous for slapping around blue balls. I didn’t really hear what he had to say, I’m assuming it had something to do with Jesus, war and water sports.

Herman Cain then gets the spotlight and introduces us to his 999 Plan (read about it here). I like the overall idea of the plan and it is light-years ahead of what most of these douches on the stage are peddling. I’ll critique it in-depth at a later date. Cain, who is always ready to give us a solution, attacks taxes and outshines Santorum, Perry and Romney right out the gate.

The panelists then cut over to Jon Huntsman for the first time and he goes on to tell us that we need to fix the weak broken core. I’m not sure if he is referring to America or his campaign. He also states that Utah was the number one job creator, not Texas or Massachusetts. Huntsman makes it known that Perry and Romney are both high on their own fumes and not as effective as they and the media think they are. Then again, Huntsman is about as effective as a tampon in a gunshot wound. Well, at least Huntsman gave a big shout out to free markets, not that I believe he will fight for true capitalism, he’ll most likely take a massive dump on it. However, being the ambassador to China may have taught him how capitalism works because that country has got their shit together like Legos and Gorilla Glue.

Michele gets the mic and instead of spitting a dope freestyle, she just rambles off her Tea Party talking points about Obamacare eating children and killing jobs or something like that. I’m not sure why this Canadian lady is up there. She then proceeds to remind us, for the umpteenth time in only her third debate, that she has had more children in her home than all the primary schools in Saskatchewan. She came off as bat-shit crazy in her first debate, came off really well in her second debate where she battled it out with Tim Pawlenty, but in this debate she is already back to living up to that creepy image of her from that infamous Newsweek cover. I don’t want to be a dickhole and call her a dingbat but she makes it really fucking hard.

Ron Paul finally gets the attention of Brian Williams and his cronies on the panel. Unlike Huntsman, Dr. Paul drops some knowledge on free markets and truly means what he says. He defends his stance on deregulation and doesn’t falter when Brian Williams presses him on his stance regarding the privatization of everything. Ron Paul with elegance and prose educates the panelists and other presidential candidates but of course his expertise and insight fall on deaf ears.

The moderators then point out that Newt Gingrich wrote the introduction to Rick Perry’s book. Of course the MSNBC stooges are trying to start fires and stir the pot for some Republican Party infighting. Newt takes a shot at Perry but doesn’t jab too hard as he uses his time to point out Obama’s blatant use of class warfare.

They return to Golden Boy 2 and ask Romney a question. Luckily for us viewers, there are technical difficulties. The gist of this exchange is an attempt by the moderators on the panel to drag the Romneycare skeletons out of the closet. To dodge this bullet and divert the attention off of himself, Romney promises to offer waivers for any state that wants to opt out of Obamacare. Um.. dude.. why don’t you just murder that bill instead? Repeal the fuck out of it, that’s what you said you would do before. Is he flip-flopping or stumbling through his thoughts?

The health care debate rolls over towards Golden Boy 1 Rick Perry but he dodges bullets like the Ghost Twins from the second ‘Matrix’ movie. Question: Why are so many people in Texas without health care. A: I had to buy some suits and hair gel. Huntsman jumps in the mix, says some unimportant shit and is obviously wearing John Boehner’s skin as he is orange as fuck under those hot stage lights. Bachmann jumps in to pat herself on the back and surprisingly doesn’t mention one of her 1,274 kids.

The debate continues and continues and not a lot of important shit happens or is said. Overall, this is the least memorable of all the debates thus far, even with it being Perry’s debut. So what’s that say about Perry? Also, being in the den of liberals isn’t as exciting as it should be. Ah well, we’re only halfway here.

The most memorable part of the night besides Ron Paul being the only real people’s candidate up there was Newt Gingrich going off on the moderators for their attempts to divide the candidates and create drama. Everything else is really just filler and redundant rhetoric used to trigger cheap pops from the crowd.

Rick Perry did attack Ron Paul at a point and talked of how Paul was pro-Reagan and then anti-Republican back in the 1980′s. Ron Paul defending himself well and pointed out that he supported Reagan in ’76 and ’80 but by ’88 had grown tired of the “politics as usual” of the spend-crazy Reagan Administration and so he left the party to run for president under the banner of the Libertarian Party. This issue is about the only “dirt” anyone can dig up on Ron Paul and it isn’t even dirt. It certainly isn’t as fucking bad as Rick Perry working on Al Gore’s political campaign in ’88!

After Perry’s pot-stirring bullshit with Ron Paul, he was confronted with the fact that George W. Bush’s minions Karl Rove and Dick Cheney have been bashing him to the media. Perry just looks uncomfortable and can’t really formulate a real defense. Between the long pauses and lack of real answers on most issues, Perry looks incredibly weak in this debate. I severely dislike the guy but if he’s such a great candidate why can’t he present himself better? I was disappointed in his performance but at the same time grateful because he did horrible. Then again, after the debate, the media is still pimping him out!

One of the big subjects of the debate was Social Security. The best solution to the problem was brought up by Herman Cain who said that we should adopt the Chilean model. Essentially, that would involve privatizing it. Read more on the Chilean model here.

Rick Perry is finally confronted with the fact that he tried to force vaccinations on girls going into the sixth grade. Ron Paul throws some shit in Perry’s lap, which was refreshing. Attacking other candidates is not Ron Paul’s style but when Rick Perry is a dirty evil son of a bitch, Dr. Paul did the right thing. Bachmann also jumped on Perry and said that what he did was a violation of parental rights. Then she spun that into education reform and I got confused.

Back on topic, Rick Perry tried to defend his Hitler-esque program. His explanation was lame, pointless and did nothing to assure people that he wasn’t a douchebag.. well, except for the mainstream media who still sip his semen cider. One thing Perry forgot to mention however is that the drug company Merck was a huge contributor to his campaigns.

The next big topic to come up is Homeland Security and the TSA. Newt Gingrich informs us that people want to kill us and that we have to have DHS and the TSA. Ron Paul makes a case for privatizing the TSA, he also used his time to rightfully bash FEMA. Jon Huntsman wants a more efficient Department of Homeland Security.

Rick Perry is then challenged on his ability to manage education in this country, as his state has the worst graduation rates in the country. As with everything he is challenged with, Perry doesn’t have a good solid answer. I’m beginning to wonder if his long dramatic pauses are an attempt to collect his thoughts, an attempt to fashion a lie or a way to waste time in order to not really answer the questions. I bet it’s a combination of the three. Everyone else up there is pretty much in favor of school choice.

MSNBC then dusts off their latino reporter for the segment on immigration. Rick Perry, a guy whose record proves he couldn’t care less about border security, calls for more border agents. He also calls for Predator drones. Dude, their are already fucking Predator drones on YOUR state’s border! Are you that fucking dense? Or do you really not pay that much attention? Why did no one call him out on this blatant fucking oversight?!

Mitt Romney wants a super fence on the border and promises no amnesty whatsoever. Newt educates the audience and the moderators on why Reagan went with amnesty and immigration reform. Rick Santorum wants to lock the border down and after that he’d be willing to have discussions about immigration. So, no discussions until we close off those we would have the discussions with. Michele Bachmann believes this magic fence would save us from drug cartels. Is it tall enough to stop helicopters and catapults? All these people need to watch the immigration episode of ‘Penn & Teller’s Bullshit’. At least Herman Cain believes that immigration issues should be handled at the state level and that the federal government should have no control over state’s decisions to combat the problem.

Ron Paul is the only candidate to drop any real knowledge when he goes on to explain how the fence is stupid and that it could potentially be used to keep us in as opposed to keeping people out. He also breaks down the real problems which are the drug war and the welfare system. I wrote about these issues and how they relate to immigration in “Conservatives & Aliens“.

Hey, where’s the latino guy?! Oh, the immigration segment is over. Well played MSNBC.

Romney goes on to explain how he will prevent us from going into a recession. Apparently he is unaware that we are already in a recession. That’s understandable I guess, we’ve only been in it for 3 years. He then attacks Obama for his lack of leadership in an effort to run out time and avoid answering the Tea Party themed question. Mittens is no constitutional conservative.

When Rick Perry is asked if he thinks that Bush II was too quick to launch military intervention. He then dodges the Bush question to give Obama props on his military prowess! He also gives props to the Navy SEALs. Perry actually says “propes” instead of “props” because he is a backwoods fuck that is trying to be cool and fit in with the kids. Stop trying douche-sandwich! You’re whack as fuck and no one likes your DJ!

Tea Party darling Michele Bachmann claims that the U.S. military has been responsible for maintaining global order. WTF?! Is this dingbat rubbing angeldust on her gums again? She does not represent the Tea Party if she believes this and if the majority of the Tea Party also believes this, then the Tea Party is a bunch of frauds. Bachmann wants to reign in a global police state apparently. “Yay!” for military interventionism! She is against Libya but still cool with being the global police. It’s all interventionism and none of it is any of our business. Well, except what was made our business because of previous interventionism and military meddling.

Oh yeah, more Rick Santorum! Why is he still in this damn race? Once again, where the hell is Gary Johnson?! And why isn’t McCotter here as well?

These conservatives are now on the subject of science, something most of them don’t understand. They just look at it as another “religion” in competition with Christianity. Huntsman says we can’t run from science, we need to embrace it. Um.. no duh! He says we must do what must be done to win voters. Okay, so is he asking to abandon religion? Perry believes that the science on climate change isn’t “settled”. Bachmann points out that an agenda is being put out in front of real science, which is true but it is also not a reason to completely disregard it. It is still based more in facts and reality than any faith-based belief system.

Newt Gingrich then wins a few points from me when he says that if he were president he would immediately fire Ben Bernanke and audit the Federal Reserve. Man, Ron Paul is starting to rub off on some people. As I’ve stated many times over, I have never liked Newt Gingrich and still don’t support most of his policies but he is winning me over (especially over Perry, Romney, Bachmann, Hunstsman and Santorum). Paul and Cain are the only two I put ahead of him right now.. well, and Gary Johnson too but where the fuck is he again? Romney then jumps on the bandwagon and says he’d fire Bernanke too. Whatever dude, stop pandering.

The panel then basically gives the rest of the time to the two golden boys. Perry goes on a tangent about the evils of killing children and how the greatest crime against humanity is “heinous crimes against our citizens”. Yeah dude, what exactly were your attempts at forced inoculation? Are you absolved of the crime because you only had intent and didn’t do the crime? So the Texas legislators that prevented you from implementing your Nazi health program also washed your hands of any wrongdoing? What if they didn’t stop you, would you still be a stand up guy?

Ron Paul gets one more brief moment to speak and he uses his last minute or so to explain that there is nowhere in the Constitution that gives the federal government the power to force us all into a welfare state. He vows to fight it and end the tyranny of the welfare system. Let’s do this! The debate then officially ends at 9:49 PM EST, eleven minutes early.

Overall, this debate pretty much sucked. It was better than that horrible CNN one where John King assaulted us with his throat noises but it was a lot weaker than what I had hoped for. Perry just isn’t a good speaker and I can’t put a finger on why everyone loves him. Well, Hitler got into power somehow so I guess it isn’t too farfetched to believe that this needle stabbing Nazi doesn’t have a real chance. Romney did nothing but he out-shined Perry, Santorum and Huntsman were piss breaks and Bachmann was frantically whittling little race cars for her 2,549 kids between questions. Ron Paul is the only one that had me fist-pumping although Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich also had some very high points.

Without further ado, here’s my letter grade ranking system.

Grading Scale:
Grade A-: Ron Paul
Grade B+: Herman Cain
Grade B: Newt Gingrich
Grade C: Mitt Romney
Grade D: Michele Bachmann
Grade D-: John Hunstsman
Grade D-: Rick Perry
Grade F: Rick Santorum
Grade I: Gary Johnson
Grade I: Thaddeus McCotter

My Two Cents: Since the next debate is on tonight, I figured I’d repost my rundown of the last debate to refresh your memory. End Two Cents.

*Written by Rob Rimes. Last night’s debate was the second GOP debate of the 2012 election cycle. It was also the first debate to include frontrunner Mitt Romney. Unlike the last round, this debate pretty much sucked. There are several reasons for this but to be brutally honest, I think the first debate kicked ass and left me with a lot of hope, where this latest debate left me shaking my head in disbelief, wondering if this was just some sort of … Read More

via TheSwash.com

My Two Cents: As I already said about this guy, “While the media seems to be excited about this guy and his “small government” rhetoric, don’t be fooled. While he may be speaking from the heart, his track record states something different. First of all, he was a big supporter of the Iraq War. He also voted to end Bush tax cuts. Vote wisely.” And shit, here he is pimping the auto bailouts. Yep, sounds like another “fiscal” conservative. End Two Cents.

Another GOP candidate has entered the race for 2012, but can Michigan Congressman Thaddeus McCotter distinguish himself amongst an already crowded GOP field? Rep. McCotter said that his comprehensive view of the challenges facing the country – the threat from China, dealing with the Iranian regime, and preventing federal bureacracy imposing its views on the American people – makes him uniquely prepared for the role of commander-in-chief.

Gretchen challenged McCotter to a “lightning round” of questions on current issues, including the national debt, bank bailouts, auto bailouts, health care and who he would choose as his vice presidential running mate!

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Last night’s debate was the second GOP debate of the 2012 election cycle. It was also the first debate to include frontrunner Mitt Romney. Unlike the last round, this debate pretty much sucked. There are several reasons for this but to be brutally honest, I think the first debate kicked ass and left me with a lot of hope, where this latest debate left me shaking my head in disbelief, wondering if this was just some sort of horrible establishment joke. Whether it was deliberate or not, the joke was on us. The winner was no one! The losers were the American people. The only thing I learned was that Herman Cain prefers deep dish over thin crust.

So what went wrong?

A lot of things went wrong. Most notably would have to be the moderator, John King. I’m not sure if he is related to Larry King or if he was just hired because of the similar name but I have no urge to ever watch something with him in it ever again. Larry King should’ve showed up last night and taken his surname back because this gurgling weird noise-emitting hack couldn’t run the show if his career depended on it, which it did. No need to worry though Mr. King, you’re on CNN and your ratings are dismal. No one knows who you are. However, last night was your time to shine as maybe a tenth of the country was watching and all you seemed to do was drive the viewers batshit crazy. I know this because I asked other people besides myself about your performance. What was with all the gurgling and weird noises while candidates were talking by the way? You guys over there at CNN wanted to be all different and stuff and decided not to have a buzzer. Well newflash homeboy, there isn’t a person in America that wouldn’t prefer a buzzer over your particular brand of Tuvan throat singing. I don’t mean to be a hater y’all but I gotta call shit like I see shit.

Another problem with CNN was the bullshit “This or That” questions during the debate. What I took away from this is what kind of pizza Herman Cain likes, that Santorum is a tool that doesn’t watch TV, Pawlenty is vanilla, Romney knows the score to the Bruins game, Gingrich likes American Idol, Bachmann has 127 kids and everyone was getting a lot more time than Ron Paul. This was just stupid. If Americans are going to base who they vote for off of a candidate’s preference over shit reality shows, then we’re all fucked. Then again, someone obsessed with such shows probably wasn’t watching the debate, as “So You Think You Can Eat a Dick?” was probably on. Also, I doubt that person is going to vote in a primary because some Hollywood star didn’t tell them to. Point being, these questions were a waste of precious time. What are they going to ask next time? “Hey Mr. Romney, what do you think really brings a room together, track lighting or a koi pond?”

Enough with the tool moderator and CNN, what about the candidates?

Well, Tim Pawlenty gave me nothing. Once again he came off as vanilla and boring and his answers made him seem out of touch and like an archaic form of Republican that should’ve died after the failure of the ’94 class. The same class that was led by Gingrich, who also didn’t give me much but at least some of his answers had fire and because of that, he stood out a bit more than most of the other candidates. Still though, his campaign is doomed and I would never vote for the guy. He is also a chip off of the old establishment block and is a remnant of a time that most of us should be pissed about instead of latching onto and bragging about. Newsflash, there wasn’t a Republican victory in ’94, there was a surge of Republicans in the House but ultimately, they dropped the ball and let the people down. Newt led these men and women and whether it is fair or not, he is the face of that failure.

Rick Santorum did okay I guess, if you’re into his sort of thing. I disagree with him on a lot and he seems deluded and so sure of himself that I could see another potential George W. Bush who just disregards reason, Congress and the people in favor of following his gut. Santorum also comes off as a chip off of the old establishment block and nothing he did or said made him come off any stronger last night.

Now, I have read all the rumors and seen all the Photoshopped pictures claiming that Michele Bachmann is insane. I laughed it off before, but now I realize that there may be some truth to these claims. First of all, this wasn’t the proper venue to announce your candidacy and in doing so, she wasted an answer to a question. Secondly, she barely answered any questions. Each one was met with a story she felt that she had to tell about her 127 kids or with filibustering and rambling that never got to the point. It’s as if she forgot what the question was by the end of each thirty second story-time rant. All her appearance at this debate did, at least for me, is reinforce the fears I already had of her. If she’s the Tea Party’s darling, I’m opting out (not that I was ever actually in).

Mitt Romney just came off as Mitt Romney and didn’t offer much substance. He blamed Obama, as everyone else did, and he still didn’t backtrack on his support of his own Obamacare prototype called Romneycare. This brings me back to Pawlenty however, as he was asked about his comment just 24 hours earlier where he referred to Romney’s health care law as Obomneycare. Pawlenty backtracked and tried to sidestep it and was visibly uncomfortable. If you’re going to call a spade a spade dude, don’t act like a little bitch when confronted about it. Stick to your guns, nut the fuck up and drop the hammer on a motherfucker. Pawlenty dropped no hammer, just the ball, which wasn’t even his ball as he apparently doesn’t have any. Is this who you want leading us? A dude that sips on bitch juice?

This also pisses me off because all the damn candidates were too damn nice. Let’s get down to it people. Let’s show the nation your differences. Let’s get heated and take some shots at each other. This politically correct overly-sensitive bullshit is for the bitchass birds. I blame Larry King’s inept and gurgling little brother for not stirring the pot. We want real debate, not thank you cards and muffin baskets!

Next up is Herman Cain. Mr. Cain is my number three out of all the candidates and I love what this guy has to say for the most part. There are things I disagree with but in a nutshell, he gets it and is lightyears ahead of most of these establishment ass-clowns. Cain however didn’t have the huge surge in awesomeness that he had in the first debate. Maybe there were too many candidates up there and he was overshadowed; I don’t know? He was pretty much on point all night, answered the questions well, hit all his points and came off as someone with their wits about them. He has been consistent and solid. I was glad that he got away from continually repeating what has become his catchphrases. He stuck to answering the moderator and the other people with very precise and exacting responses. Maybe this is because he isn’t a politician in the classical sense? While Cain didn’t gain any more traction, he certainly didn’t lose any and I felt that the others did, so in retrospect, this may have pushed him higher up in the polls. One can only hope.

My personal favorite, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who regularly reads my work, is Ron Paul. Dr. Paul was there and made a few good points but the fire he had in the first debate just wasn’t there. I think the answer time was too short and the moderator was more interested in Romney, Bachmann, Gingrich and Pawlenty. Ron Paul is going to have to make his presence known and turn it up a notch when the next debate rolls around in a month or so. He was consistent, shook up the debate a bit but didn’t really give us the fired up Dr. Paul we all love. I think CNN could’ve done a better job at involving him more but that goes against their agenda.

Speaking of that agenda, that is why Gary Johnson was excluded. CNN didn’t give Ron Paul much time and they completely left the less popular libertarian out. I think they are trying to tame the “radicalness” and spoon feed the public the typical Republican diet of conservative crap. Gary Johnson, who is officially a candidate was banned, yet Bachman, who wasn’t a candidate until yesterday, was allowed to debate. Hell, CNN even invited Mike Huckabee who opted out of the race a month ago! I don’t want to be the Crown Prince of Conspiracy here but c’mon, shit just doesn’t add up. Truth is, a year before they got their party’s nomination, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Michael Dukakis were all at 1% in the polls. That is the same spot that Gary Johnson is in. CNN’s credibility has another big black-eye on it, as far as I am concerned.

This whole debate was a fucking mess. CNN is ultimately to blame for this and while they had a few good ideas, like bringing in regular people and using Twitter and Facebook to ask questions, the event still came off as half-assed and ill-prepared. Whether you like Fox News or not, their debate last month was so much better. Fox News had a great speedy format with longer answers and a buzzer! That’s right! A fucking buzzer! CNN needs to send one of their interns down to Lowe’s to buy a goddamned buzzer next time, because if I have to listen to the Gurgle King of Atlanta interrupt candidates with his throat noises again, I’m going to start doing hard drugs. That shit made me twitchy and irritable and I was frantically digging through my drawers looking for some angeldust.

So the question this article poses is “Who won the debate?” The answer to that is “no one.” As I said in the opening paragraph, we all lost on this one. I hope round three, which takes place in a month or so, comes off as much better than this shit. I planned on writing this a few days ago and was going to go as far as creating a ranking system with a breakdown of each candidate’s performance. Fuck that, it’s not worth the effort. I’ll just say Ron Paul was number one, because I am biased. I’ll give Cain number two and I’ll give Gingrich number three, because I just feel bad for the guy.

Here’s my favorite Ron Paul moment:

*Written by Tho Bishop.

The first GOP debate may have occurred almost two weeks ago, but the 2012 field made a big step towards clarity this weekend. Newt Gingrich is in, Mike Huckabee is out. The question is “which matters more?” Huckabee leaves a large group of voters without their Spring 2011 first-choice candidate. Newt Gingrich, on the other hand, brings with him the perception of policy wonk (a Washington nerd for those outside the Beltway) who started his campaign criticizing DC Republican’s current attempts to reform entitlements like Medicare and Medicaid.

The subject of 2012 is a strange one, especially as someone new to living within the District. Talk to the majority of Republicans up here and you will find a group that has already conceded 2012 to President Obama; venture back to what Sarah Palin would call “real America” and you get the sense that anyone can take down Barack. This disconnect between Republicans “in the know” and the grassroots may end up having larger consequences than anyone is considering.

It has often been pointed out that the Republican nominees tend to inherent their title. Nixon was a former VP. Gerald Ford defeated “outsider” Ronald Reagan in ’76, and then watched Reagan take the party in 1980. Reagan was followed by his Vice President who, of course, was the father of the next Republican President. John McCain ran in 2000 before 2008. Even Bob Dole, the Party’s choice in 1996, was a campaign veteran – serving as Ford’s VP candidate in ’76.

This, along with his well documented advantage in personal wealth, has placed Mitt Romney as the perceived favorite. Others say that a bad economy benefits a man with the private sector experience Romney holds. Romney certainly “looks Presidential”, whatever that may mean, and has the charisma to carry a room. His strength, I believe, is over-stated. In the end, Mitt Romney has all the factors working against him in 2008, with the added gorilla of Romneycare clawing at his back. It is true that the economy ways higher in the minds of GOP voters, but it has yet to be proven whether Romney will be able to best take advantage of that environment.

Romney still has the perception of being a John Kerry-like flip-flopper. His past views on abortion, along with a bias against Mormonism, will hurt him in Middle-America Iowa. Romney’s may have success in New Hampshire, but he failed to win the state in 2008. Romney’s campaign reminds me of Rudy Giuliani’s in 2008. Like 2012 Mitt, Rudy was viewed as the front runner throughout Spring of 2007 before failing to win a single Republican primary. Some would credit Rudy’s decision to place all his eggs in a Floridian basket as the cause of his downfall, but Giuliani campaign was reacting to reality of the earlier contests in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina.

So if not Romney, who? Conventional wisdom would make former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty as the establishment’s choice. A two time executive, Pawlenty is handsome, disciplined and, outside of support for Cap-and-Trade that he now apologizes for, has a perfectly acceptable legislative record. In other words, “TPaw” is safe. An astute friend of mine calls him “Captain Vanilliastein”, a man whose best strength is being inoffensive.

In the under-attended May 5th GOP debate, Pawlenty stood out in his inability to stand out. More than anyone else, Pawlenty reverted to white-washed political rhetoric. He seemed to field every question like a 5 minute campaign commercial rather than a chance to shed light on what he genuinely believed. While Ron Paul made headlines with his defense of liberty in a question about heroin, and Rick Santorum and Herman Cain’s passion and fire caught the attention of conventional conservative figures like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, the reaction to Tim Pawlenty’s performance was purely based on his perception as the “only legitimate candidate” on the stage.

But does the GOP want such a sterile candidate? 2010 saw Republican voters side with Christine O’Donnell and Rand Paul over “safer” GOP candidates. Now these candidates did not always find success, but the Tea Party movement indisputably breathed life into the party. Substance won out over political pragmatism.

The real world will also be important. Beyond the GOP’s interest in the ever expanding debt, other economic factors are worth noting. Inflation continues to rise. In June, the Federal Reserve will end its QE2 program which has it being the largest purchaser of Treasury securities. Meanwhile Japan is likely to be required to start selling their US treasuries as they pay for earthquake reconstruction and China has cooled in their interest in our bonds. PIMCO’s Bill Gross, one of the most influential voices in investment, has made his disinvestment of US bonds well known. The consequences of this will push the subject of monetary policy into the national conversation.

The results are likely voter frustration and a change in the debate. This is where two dark horses begin to look rather interesting.

Herman Cain has a chance to tap into conservative populism. He has never been elected to office, speaks with passion, has proven to be more-than-willing to go after the throat of President Obama and brings with him a plan to eliminate the IRS. He has inroads with Tea Party grassroots and a history of success in the private sector. He is the sort of candidate DC Republicans will be quick to dismiss, which is one of the reasons he is an intriguing player in 2012. Money will be an issue, but he may be more popular than Newt Gingrich in their shared home state of Georgia. A strong showing in one of the earlier states and he could be a major player.

In terms of substance, no candidate can better Congressman Ron Paul. His 2008 economic advisor, Peter Schiff, famously predicted a dire collapse in housing while many in the media laughed it off. He has just released a book outlining his philosophy on a number of political positions from Abortion to Zionism. He has been the largest opponent of the Federal Reserve in Washington and now uses his position as Chairman of the Domestic Monetary Policy Subcommittee to berate it regularly. He has an army of young, energetic followers, ready to storm social media with user-generated content. And he has proven to be a solid fundraiser with often-copied “money bombs”. If the focus of 2012 is about issues instead of perceived electability, Ron Paul is the greatest beneficiary. Perhaps, for this reason, Newt Gingrich’s presence helps Dr. Paul.

Or perhaps the GOP nominee has yet to enter the race. While Michelle Bachman is contemplating her own campaign, it is Indian Governor Mitch Daniels who most people are focusing on. Though being courted by supporters, Daniels appears to understand all too well the personal consequences of such a run. If he does throw his hat into the ring, it will certainly change the picture.

In the middle of May, only one thing is clear about the path to the RNC Convention in Tampa – nothing is clear.