*Written by Rob Rimes.

We have finally reached the final primary debate of the 2012 election cycle. There were three more scheduled but one was cancelled by MSNBC – who were hosting it, another was cancelled after three of the four candidates pulled out and the third one is highly questionable due to the fact that a dozen states or more will cast their votes before its date. The only way that that debate will still happen is if the race is still close between two candidates and they have the balls to go head-to-head. Considering that Romney will undoubtedly be one of those two men, consider at least one half of that equation to be nutless. No matter what happens after this, this is the final debate before Super Tuesday, which is the most important day in this primary race.

This debate was hosted by CNN, who does the best job in my honest opinion. The moderator for this round was John King, who I have given shit in the past. I wish CNN would hand the reigns over to Wolf Blitzer and just let these debates be his deal but I guess they feel the burning desire to keep pushing John King on us again and again. Why can’t they let Erin Burnett host one of these things? She’s pleasant to listen to, incredibly easy on the eyes and it would save us all from having to stare at a bunch of dickheads (Ron Paul excluded).

So here we are in Mesa, Arizona where everyone apparently loves Mitt Romney and hates Rick Santorum, as Ol’ Mittens got a huge ovation and Ricky Baby got dead silence, which in most cases is worse than boos. It’s funny how that went down, as CNN’s pre-game show spent a lot of time trying to convince their viewers that Santorum is a real contender for the presidency of the United States not just the presidency of the Southeastern Allegheny County Catholic Racquetball League. Whatever, the fact that homeboy is center stage is maddening enough, as it just proves the insanity of America, since enough of us have voted for this fiscally irresponsible fascist bastard regardless of the fact that he is a well-documented hypocrite and an incessantly whiney dork dick.

Now I’m going to just cover a few of the highlights of the debate, as this just played out like a rerun of a show that you’ve already seen nineteen times. There wasn’t much in the way of new material provided by the candidates. This was basically just a refresher in all the issues they have already talked to death over the last year. To be completely honest, I just couldn’t sit through this thing without being bored shitless at parts. Even my 750 ml bottle of 10 Cane rum wasn’t enough to keep me focused on the job at hand, that being the need to take extensive notes in order to write this very critique you are reading now. I apologize for my lack of interest but I also don’t want to bore you with the same superfluous details I’ve already covered multiple times.

So the first 8 minutes of this broadcast gives us no questions to the candidates. Instead, CNN decides to do the national anthem, which is a time waster. If that came off as offensive, get over it! They haven’t done the national anthem or the Pledge of Allegiance at most of these things, so why start now? Why not do it off camera before the debate, so we can just get down to quality time with the candidates at 8:01 instead of 8:09?

In addition, they wasted time going through the typical introduction spiel. If you don’t know who these guys are by now, you should probably just stay away from the voting booths. Ron Paul owned the intro section though by calling himself “The Defender of the Constitution!” and “The Champion of Liberty!” If anyone else said this, it would be a dick move but Paul ain’t lying, he knows that he is the only real candidate on that stage and everyone else is faking the funk. Santorum’s intro was dumb as hell as he just said some bullshit about our troubles being the Middle East. Romney said some garbage about restoring America, which is Ron Paul’s catchphrase by the way. Gingrich basically said, “Fuck the Saudis let’s make our own gas!” At least they all get to sit down during this debate; their legs must be tired after about two dozen of these two-bit shit shows.

So here we go, time’s been wasted but we finally get a question. Some old dude from the audience asks the candidates, “What are you going to do to bring down the debt?” CNN, already spending the hour before the show building up Ricky Baby, goes straight to him to kick things off. Santorum says that he has a plan to cut spending, taxes and all that other jazz. He gets the sheep to cheer regardless if his claims are true or not. He says that he will shrink the budget and then brags about how he has always fought spending. Okay, that is complete bullshit, as has been proven time and time again, not just by the writings of myself but through countless reports and studies done by watchdog groups and Mr. Santorum’s opponents throughout this long race. He calls for a time limit on all forms of welfare and then goes on to praise the Paul Ryan Plan. Man, Mr. Ryan gets just as much airplay these debates as the candidates themselves and Ronald Reagan.

Mitt Romney is asked if he sticks by his claims that Santorum is not a conservative. Mittens talks about Ricky Baby’s love for bacon a.k.a. pork. He also mentions that Santorum voted to raise the debt limit a whopping five times! Romney claims, that as a business man, he has lived a life full of balanced budgets. He goes on to explain that he will divide up all government programs and look at them line by line to determine if the benefit is worth the cost. He promises to send most of the programs back to the states and declares that government workers shouldn’t be making more than the taxpayers who pay them. Of course, starting by asking Mitt about his negative comments regarding Santorum was just to start a heated exchange between the two, which just allows them to monopolize the time per usual.

In fact, Santorum gets an obligatory response but makes himself look like a total moron with thin bitch skin. He whines about Mitt saying that the Massachusetts governor admitted that he too would have voted to raise the debt ceiling. He also says that he never raised taxes but Romney did in Massachusetts. He admits to voting for No Child Left Behind but said that he regrets the decision. Of course he does, now that he has been continually put on blast for it! Racquetball Rick then takes a cheap shot at Romney and says that he has adopted Occupy Wall Street rhetoric because he talked about raising taxes on the top one percent.

Mitt of course gets his obligatory response, as Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich sit off to the side battling each other in Words With Friends until John King acknowledges them. Romney more or less accuses Rick Santourm of being full of shit, as if that’s any sort of surprise. Romney reminds the people that Santorum was a pivotal part of a Congress that grew government exponentially. While this is seemingly valid, pretty much every Congress since the Woodrow Wilson era has grown government exponentially. As Mitt bashes Rick, the cheers get louder and louder. This was certainly a pro-Romney crowd; the Arizonans in attendance were like famine-afflicted great whites chomping at the piss-soaked boxer-briefs of Mr. Santorum.

Gingrich gets in the discussion and uses his time to boast about how, as Speaker of the House, he led the charge in bringing four consecutive balanced budgets to the table. He then makes a big deal about how this debate is on Washington’s birthday. I guess Washington is the new Reagan in Newtworld. He goes on a tangent about opening up federal land and offshore areas to bring forth more energy options. He then states that his policies will save America $500 billion per year. Sorry bro, Dr. Paul is going to cut a trillion dollars in year one and Gary Johnson is going to top that with $1.4 trillion! Newt needs to up the ante if he is going to live up to his honey badger persona.

John King finally gets to Ron Paul but just asks hom a question about Santorum. What the hell man, CNN really wants to give a lot of airplay to the GOP’s resident Catholic. Don’t get it twisted though, it’s not because they like him, it’s because they know he’s an embarrassment and has no chance at beating Obama, so they want to push him and get him over enough just to ensure that their liberal buddy gets re-elected. Anyway, King asks Paul about his attacks on Santorum, as one of his ads called him “a fake”. When asked why he ran the ads, Paul simply says that Santorum “..is a fake.” The crowd goes nuts, as Paul lands a killing stroke on the religio-fascist bag of weasel testicles. Santorum just sits there nervously with his dork dick smile and tries to cut in on Paul but is cut off by boos. Paul says that Santorum is a classic example of someone who does things in office that contradicts the rhetoric they used while campaigning. He calls Rick’s record “bad” and adds that when someone claims that they are going to be fiscally conservative when they never have been in the past, shows that they don’t have any credibility. The crowd explodes for Ron Paul.

Santorum responds by saying that there was some “study” done that compared him to other senators and that it ranked him as the most fiscally conservative. He even refers to himself as a “hero” that took on “tough issues”. He claims that he was a “leader” that took on “Social Security”. He then says that some other “study” ranked Ron Paul 145th as a “real conservative”. Is it just me or do these studies sound like complete bullshit? Did one of Ricky Baby’s kids do these studies for their 3rd grade political science project?

Waiting for the crowd to stop booing, Ron Paul responds to Santorum by saying that comparing yourself to other members of Congress is a cop out; Paul gets cheers. Ron Paul blasts Rick’s “studies” by reminding everyone in the room that he always votes for the least amount of spending and taxes. He then adds that conservatives have gotten to this point where they are quite pleased with wasting money over seas and that if they were actually real conservatives, they wouldn’t vote for things that perpetuate that madness.

Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum get into another bitch spat and this time it is over earmarks. Eventually, after a bunch of wasted time, Santorum diverts the attention to Ron Paul and essentially accuses him of being the king of earmarks. Paul explains,as he has in the past, that if his constituents are going to be robbed through taxation, he is going to fight to get their money back anyway that he can. He says that we need to vote against spending and we need to fix the corrupt earmark and taxation systems. In fact, in his own words, Dr. Paul says, “Getting rid of earmarks simply gives the executive branch 100 percent control over the funds. What we need to do is vote against the spending bills.”

The debate carries over to the subject of bailouts then contraception and then illegal immigration. None of it is all that interesting and most of it has been discussed to death. The only other real notable thing to come out of this debate is this quote from Rick Santorum, who was defending himself from attacks by Romney and Paul on his atrocious voting record:

While yes, I voted for a large appropriations bill that contained items I didnt like, I counteracted it by adding another program that I did like to it.

Holy Jesus on a Frisbee! This guy doesn’t just put his foot in his mouth, he eats his whole goddamned shoe and probably most of his foot! The best part about this whole debate is that Rick Santorum looked like absolute crap! He came in with all this fanfare and high hopes with the media on his side but in the end, he couldn’t bring it in primetime. This was the most watched debate on cable this year and my personal favorite punching bag of the GOP field got hit hard from both sides but ultimately proved to be his own worst enemy. Santorum burned under the bright lights and magnifying glasses like an ant on the sidewalk in the hot Mesa sun. If this debate wasn’t the nail in the Santorum coffin, then Americans really are as stupid as the rest of the world thinks we are.

Grading Scale:
Grade B+: Ron Paul
Grade C-: Mitt Romney
Grade D+: Newt Gingrich
Grade F-: Rick Santorum

And here’s a video of that soft thin skinned bitch Santorum shaking Paul’s hand like a f’n douchebag:

*Written by Rob Rimes.

I was late watching this debate, as I had to check the replay. Unfortunately, I wasn’t home and I was unable to take serious notes on it. I was at my boss’ house due to it being the annual national sales meeting for my real job and between the alcohol and festivities, this thing was hard to watch in any serious sort of manner. I regret not being able to give it my full attention but the whiskey and wine were flowing, the girls were distracting to say the least and the copious amounts of food transplanted from several of the world’s most exotic regions somehow took precedence over watching the most recent episode of ‘Three Tyrants and a Wizard’. I do apologize as I have been trying to chronicle every damn one of these things but there are just so many, seven this month alone, and turning down a chance to literally spend the night at a party thrown at the mansion of the Indian version of Caligula is incredibly hard to pass up. Bourbon soaked tits are better to stare at than three dudes arguing over their dicks and the fourth shaking his head because America’s fallen so far that we’re literally having a debate about three dicks.

Now I did go back and read the transcripts from the debate and I did watch Ron Paul’s highlights – the only important parts, as the other three’s highlights would’ve put me to sleep in my hungover stupor. If it wasn’t for my boss’ brother handing me a Bloody Mary when I walked through the office door this morning, I’d probably be curled up in a ball under my desk hiding from the flickering power-draining headache-inducing fluorescent lights over my head. Needless to say, I am not a Bloody Mary fan by any stretch of the word, as it just conjures up the thought of drinking vodka with some ketchup spilled in it, but that fucking cocktail hit the spot today and I’m about 70 percent recovered from guest-starring in the Bollywood version of ‘Eyes Wide Shut’.

I know I’m rambling about my drunken escapades and that might disinterest you, as you came to this article to experience my certain style of critique on these things, so for that I’m sorry. I will do my best to give you the rundown of the debate, as I saw it between nude champagne showers and Chilean sea bass dodgeball.

So I’m just going to go down the line and analyze the candidates one-by-one starting with Rick Santorum. He started by talking about illegal immigration, border fences and telling the story about his immigrant family for the umpteenth time. He got into it with Ron Paul on foreign policy and failed miserably as he tried to cover up the fact that he’s a goddamned idiot on the affairs of Central and South America. I’ll write more on this when I get to Ron Paul, who owned Santorum like a twenty dollar prostitute. Santorum goes on to bitch about Fannie and Freddie and in turn blasts Newt and Mitt for playing personal politics and distracting everyone from discussing the real issues. On the subject of space, Santorum said that America is a frontier country and space is the next frontier to conquer. He calls for the private sector to be more involved with NASA but doesn’t fully support government being out of it. On health care he goes on and on about how awesome he is for trying to create health savings accounts. If you were so awesome, you would’ve got it done pal! He then gets into a health care argument with Romney that is neither interesting or worth writing about but what the hell, I’ll give you the nutshell version. Basically it went something like this:

Rick Santorum: “Fuck Romneycare”
Mitt Romney: “But it was only at the state level Ricky Baby!”
Rick Santorum: “I don’t care Mitt! You’re a bitch and you gave Obama the blueprints to evil!”
Mitt Romney: “Ricky Baby, you’re so silly!”
Rick Santorum: “Jesus Bible! No health care for the gays!”

Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich spent most of their time arguing about who was a bigger bastard while both looked like big bastards. Mittens talked about “self-deportation” again. If these guys believe in such a thing as an effective way of handling a situation, can we get them to believe in “self-governance”? If they trust those illegal immigrants to leave on their own accord after sneaking in here in an effort just to come back in a way that is much more difficult, they’ve got to believe that we’re all capable of managing every other aspect of our lives? I mean, they are putting blind faith into something so farfetched that they’ve got to be down with just saying “fuck it” and letting us run our own shit, right?

On the immigration subject, Newt says that Romney is the most anti-immigrant candidate out of the four. Romney gets all pissy and pulls his two Latino cards. The first he pulls is Marco Rubio, the Cuban American senator that came to his defense on immigration. The second card Mitt pulled was Mexico, as his father was born there. I was born in a hospital bro, that doesn’t make me a doctor!

Romney and Gingrich argue about immigration for awhile and then they argue about Fannie and Freddie and who is the biggest crook. Newt, once he gets away from the lame feud for a minute, goes on some tangent about making a moon base. Newt later said that Jacksonville was going to get big pimpin’ because the Panama Canal was widening and would bring them more boat traffic. Shortly after that we were treated to a Santorum-Gingrich-Romney three-way which was like stumbling upon a middle-aged homosexual version of Cinemax at three in the morning. It was a bitch and rant fuck fest that no one in their right mind needed to see, unless of course you’re into middle-aged gay men. If you are, I mean absolutely no disrespect. Do ya thang homegirl!

Fuck all these queens, let’s get to Ron Paul, the only adult in the room. On immigration, he says that if we had a working healthy economy we wouldn’t be so worried about the immigration issue as we’d be looking for workers to fill jobs. He adds that the way we are handling our borders is actually harming our economy. He points out that we don’t have the right amount of resources on the border and that we should pay more attention to our border instead of the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan.

On the Latin America issue, Ron Paul says, “Free trade is the answer.” He throws in the fact that we’d be a lot better off if we practiced free trade with Cuba. He adds that he doesn’t like the idea that America thinks that they can go down to Central and South America and try to dictate which kind of leaders they need down there, as it is none of our business. He says that the best way to influence other nations isn’t by telling them what to do, it is by practicing friendship and free trade. Paul then references Santorum who said that we have to stand up for these nations. Paul explains that standing up for nations often times comes with us imposing ourselves on the people of these countries while picking their dictators, undermining their government and sending them a lot of money. He warns that this sort of tactic always backfires and the people we are “supporting” end up hating us. Ron Paul calls Rick Santorum’s ideas on foreign policy the “bully way”. Paul adds that he knows a better to way to work with people other than using force. Santorum shakes his head, mumbles some stupid crap and then changes his tampon while wiping his bitch tears. Checkmate Paul!

Ron Paul is asked if Mitt and Newt should return the money they’ve made off of Fannie and Freddie and he responds to thunderous applause when he says, “That subject doesn’t interest me a lot.” Paul says that Fannie and Freddie should have been auctioned off right after the crash came. He said that if it was sold, the problem would’ve been “cleansed” by now. Ron Paul says that he’s been trying to prevent this stuff which is why we need to end the Federal Reserve.

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asks says that Ron Paul, if elected, would be the oldest president ever. He asks Paul if he would make his medical records public to show the people that he is healthy. Blitzer basically wants to paint Ron Paul as a geezer who could croak tomorrow and I find the question to be repugnant, just as I found it distasteful when the same issue was brought up with Ronald Reagan years ago. Paul said that he’ll prove how healthy he is by delivering an open challenge to all the other candidates to face him in a 25 mile bike ride in the heat of Texas. Ron Paul face-palmed the shit out of Wolf Blitzer and the other candidates with that answer. He also took a shot at Wolf himself when he jokingly pointed out that there are laws against age discrimination and that Blitzer should be careful. Wolf, after getting bitchslapped, tries to cover up the stupid question by asking the other candidates if they’d release theirs. What a tool.

On space spending, Ron Paul says that he would only approve funding on stuff that fits under defense. He says that going to the Moon and Mars is fantastic but that it could be done better by the private sector if their hands weren’t tied. Ron Paul then takes a shot at Newt, saying that he has stretched the truth with all his “balanced budget” claims from the days when he was Speaker of the House. Ron Paul is taking solid shots backed by facts and there is nothing that can be done about it when he brings these guys a dose of the truth. Strangely, Newt Gingrich was very polite and gracious to Ron Paul all night and gave him props for his ideas in several areas.

In the end, the debate was lightyears better than the NBC debate a few days prior. CNN does the best job, in my opinion, and I’ve watched every single one of these debates. Kudos to Wolf for rocking the house, even with a few prickish questions. Ron Paul owned the motherfucker, Santorum did decent if you are into his religio-fascist bullshit while Newt and Mitt looked like a few bickering Tinas arguing over the last pack of Lee Press-On Nails at K-Mart.

And that’s all I got because I immediately returned to my whiskey-scented orgy on the south lawn.

Grading Scale:
Grade A+: Ron Paul
Grade C-: Rick Santorum
Grade D+: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Mitt Romney

*Best debate moment in recent memory:

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Let me start by saying that even though I’ve referred to other debates as the worst, this one definitely took the cake and showed us just how godawful these things can be. This debate came to us from Tampa, Florida and was hosted by NBC. Brian Williams was the moderator and he was a shitty one at that. To start, there were no intros and the audience was not allowed to participate in any way. This means that the crowd could not applaud, boo or get fired up like they have in most previous debates. While I understand that this is done to speed up the process and fit in more quality time with the candidates, it creates bad television and boring debates, especially when the candidates argue incessantly for long periods of time and the moderator is too chicken shit to break it up and stick to his own rules regarding time. My biggest regret about watching this goddamned thing is that I only had one beer in the whole fucking house. I was also too lethargic from a 20 oz. New York strip to get up and mix a stronger drink. At least the ecstasy I got from my giant piece of premium American red meat kept me from losing my shit and going completely insane throughout this episode of ‘Three Statists and a Constitutionalist’.

So we start with Newt Gingrich being asked to respond to Mitt Romney recently calling him “erratic” and a “failed leader”. Woohoo! Here we go already starting with the personal attacks over policy issues. Gingrich immediately dropped several Reagan references and was shocked that he didn’t get any applause. Oh yes, the crowd must stay silent or be forced to stare into the droopy eyes of Brian Williams who has been known to turn people into hipster liberals with just a quick glare. This didn’t bode well for Newt as he was waiting for the crowd to react to his empty one-liners. Gingrich said he was like Reagan, who ignored Carter and went on to win the election. Really Newt? You’re ignoring the attacks against you? Funny, because every show I’ve seen you on, you’ve just gone on and on about all the attacks against you.

Gingrich is immediately given a second question, as Williams asks him how he has changed since being Speaker of the House. Gingrich says that as Speaker he had four consecutive balanced budgets, which he says is unheard of. He also brags about how many jobs he created and how he reformed welfare. This is also funny because in a recent interview he took the Romney approach and said government doesn’t create jobs the private sector does. So which is it Newt?

Brian Williams then directs his attention to Mitt and I can already tell that Paul and Santorum are probably going to get the shaft on time this round. Romney is asked if he is electable, which is a dumb fucking question. It’s a dumb question when anyone is asked this, really. Romney talks about how he saved the Olympics and created tons of businesses. He doesn’t actually answer the question he just runs through his already well-known yet well-rehersed talking points. He then switches to attacks on Gingrich and disses him for talking bad about the Paul Ryan Plan and for aligning with Nancy Pelosi on several occasions.

Newt Gingrich says that he isn’t going to spend the entire evening “chasing Mitt’s misinformation.” Yes he will, just keep reading. Gingrich says that the American people need a discussion on how the candidates are going to beat Obama and that they need to move passed the bullshit. Romney jumps in and points out that 88 percent of the Republicans in the House of Representatives voted against Newt, which caused him to resign from his position in disgrace. Mitt also points out that Newt’s approval rating when he left Congress was 18 percent. Romney then takes a stiff shot at Gingrich when he says that we can’t retake the White House if the person leading the fight was in the pocket of Freddie Mac. This fight then goes on forever and Brian Williams just lets them duke it out regardless of time restraints and the fact that there are other candidates who haven’t even talked yet. Gingrich tries to explain how he left Congress, which is all bullshit and just leads to him arguing with Romney over who has the most inaccurate attack ads. I thought you were ignoring the attacks and weren’t going to spend the evening “chasing Mitt’s misinformation”? Can we please discuss the real issues?!

Rick Santorum finally gets asked a question and as much as I loathe the guy, I’m glad to see him at this point. Of course he is asked to comment on the Romney-Gingrich spat because Brian Williams wants the two feuding idiots to be front and center to help discredit the GOP as a whole. Santorum rambles some nonsense about painting a positive vision for the country and adds that he creates a real contrast to Mitt and Newt. Um, not really homeboy unless you’re referring to the religio-fascist part. Santorum then claims to “..have a track record of being a strong conservative.” Well that depends on what your definition of a conservative is, as it varies greatly from candidate to candidate.

Brian Williams then takes a shot at Santorum and says that he lost his seat in the Senate by 18 percent. This was of course after Santorum bragged about winning the seat in a liberal state. Santorum responds to the criticism by saying that the Republican governor in Pennsylvania lost worse than he did that same year. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Santorum also physically crouched down when he was rambling incoherently and actually said the word “crouch down”. Thanks for the visual buddy.

Finally Ron Paul gets brought into this thing! Williams reminds us that Paul once said that he never visualized himself as winning the nomination so why does he think he can win now. Paul says that he doesn’t sit around and dream about being in the White House like everyone else on stage. He points out that, according to polls, when he is put head-to-head with Obama he has a better chance at beating him than anyone else in the GOP. Paul also clues the masses into the fact that Iowa was just a straw poll and the real winner hasn’t yet been decided, as it will be the person who acquires the most delegates. He’s asked if he will run third party because every goddamned moderator has to seemingly ask this question. Once again, Ron Paul says that he has no intentions to do so. He is then asked if he would ever support Newt. Paul gives Gingrich props on his stance with the Federal Reserve and the gold standard but adds that he needs to change his stance on foreign policy. Newt responds by giving Paul some props on economic issues.

They then get into the boring topic of Mitt Romney’s tax returns which just shifts all the attention back to Tweedledum and Tweedledumber – that being Romney and Gingrich, you can choose which is which. Romney says that his income tax info will show how he made profits and rewards. He then goes on to claim that he’ll drop corporate tax rates while reshaping the entire tax code in an effort to simplify it. Gingrich jumps in and channels Mitt’s dad, who released a dozen years worth of tax information. Newt then says something about a Hong Kong tax model. This guy’s always pulling obscure shit from other countries. Romney jumps back in and says he and his father disagreed on many things and unlike his dad, he will only release a few years worth of his personal tax data. Romney then goes on to say that he inherited nothing and made his own mark in the world. He name drops Staples, Sports Authority and Steel Dynamics as ten minutes have passed without mentioning them. Truthfully, I think everything Mitt says is a pre-recorded statement and he just moves his lips to the words.

The mic in this rap battle is then passed back over to Santorum. He takes a shot at Newt and Mitt when he says that they claim to support capitalism but how can they make that claim when they supported the bailouts. Santorum says that we should have allowed these moronic financial institutions go through bankruptcy. What some people might not know though is that Rick Santorum wasn’t in office at the time of the bailouts so he couldn’t vote on TARP; so it is easy for him to say he didn’t support it. When looking a little deeper however, Rick Santorum did support the bailout of the airline industry. So would he have really rejected TARP? Based off of the $15 billion dollar airline bailout and his past voting record with other things, Santorum looks to be a pro-TARP motherfucker. Lucky for him he lost his seat in the Senate and didn’t get stuck with TARP on his record.

Newt is asked about more criticism from Mitt, who apparently claimed Gingrich “peddled influence” with Freddie Mac. Why couldn’t this be addressed the first time in this very same debate when Newt was asked to comment on Mitt’s criticisms? Time wasting bullshit! Newt said he never “peddled influence” and added that Romney’s approach about the Freddie Mac situation is nasty. Gingrich claims that he never lobbied for them and actually says that he brought in experts to teach his staff how to not lobby. Sorry, I just find that laughable. Romney quickly lashes back at Gingrich saying that Freddie Mac doesn’t pay “historians” as much as they paid Newt. Romney also points out that Gingrich was pushing GSEs every chance he got, which is a form of lobbying. Newt said he only made $35,000 per year, which is a lie. Why do people like either of these shady bastards? Aren’t Americans sick of criminals in power?

The Mitt-Newt show goes on for a long time as these two duke it out with no buzzer going off and Brian Williams sitting quiet – wasting our precious fucking time on this bitch fight. Williams, after minutes of this nonsense finally cuts in to stop it but only because NBC has to go to commercial break. Brian Williams has the spine of a squid.

After the commercial break, the issue of the housing crisis comes up. Santorum is the first person asked to address it. He claims that he saw the crisis on the horizon and tried to stop it. Yep asshole but you were about a decade behind Ron Paul on seeing it. Santorum, while explaining his fallacious knowledge on the subject, actually utters the phrase: “Let capitalism work.” Hilarious! This guy doesn’t know what capitalism is! Santorum immediately follows up his pro-capitalism line by saying that the government needs to step in and help the people who have lost their houses. Here we go with the doublespeak! Santorum continues by saying that people need the freedom to get out from under these houses and get relief. Really dude? Just “let capitalism work”?

On the same issue, Paul is asked if the government owes the people anything. Paul says that they owe the people a free market and sound money. He says that the interest rates were kept too low for far too long. Ron Paul says that he introduced legislation to help prevent the housing bubble from bursting years before it actually did. He declares that the bubble and the consequences of these actions were easy to spot but no one in Washington did. Paul says that the government needs to get out of the way. He then closes by saying that the Federal Reserve dumped so much debt on the taxpayers after wiping the slate clean with banks and corporations they bailed out.

Brian Williams, who apparently wants to suck Mitt’s dick, gives us another Mitt-Newt session when he brings them in on the housing issue. Romney says that the government has to help the people they fucked but immediately after that says that the government has to get out of it. Which is it bro? Gingrich says we need to repeal Dodd-Frank as it would improve the economy overnight. He says that the bill led big banks to get bigger. Newt is asked if the financial system is overregulated, which just proves how stupid Brian Williams is. Romney jumps back in to monopolize more time and says that the markets need regulation to work. What? What happened to capitalism? He then adds that we need up-to-date regulation not that old shitty regulation.

Williams, who wants to keep Romney in the spotlight, switches the subject and asks him about opening up Cuba. Mitt actually says that he’d be glad if Fidel Castro died and went to see his maker.. WTF?! Romney says we can’t talk about opening up Cuba but we need to support those in the country who want freedom. Okay, so how are we supporting them by contributing to making their economy shit? Why do you think that it is so easy for Castro to convince his people that America is bad? This is why! Romney wants to help Cubans by punishing them and not “giving in”.

Gingrich adds to Romney’s “glad when Castro’s dead” comment by saying that he won’t meet his maker but that he’ll essentially go to Hell. Newt starts talking about a “Cuban Spring”. He says that we need to reach out to younger Cubans who want freedom. Of course he, like Mitt, wants to do this without working with them in a productive and positive way. These guys must believe in magic.

When the discussion shifts back over to Ron Paul, he says that he has a lot to teach these guys on foreign policy. Ron Paul calls Newt and Mitt’s tactics “isolationist”. Funny watching Ron flip the script when every idiot out there calls him an “isolationist” as the idiots don’t really get what it means. Paul points out that the Cold War is over and the Cuban Missile Crisis was 50 years ago. He adds that we prop up Castro with our sanctions and embargo as it helps him stay in power by gaining support through pointing the finger of blame at the United States. Paul reminds the candidates that we used to talk to the Soviets and currently talk to the Chinese while we’ve had major problems with both. He even adds that we went in and talked to the Vietnamese after the disastrous Vietnam War. He says that we are living in the dark age if we are going to refuse to talk to Cuba.

Santorum, who apparently ignored Paul’s great insight, calls for us to use sanctions against Cuba until the Castro brothers die. He says that for right now we have to keep the current policy active and we shouldn’t embrace Cuba until the dictators are dead. Santorum then goes on a dumb tangent about how Cuba works directly with jihadists. Here we go with the fear mongering!

On Iran, Romney says we need to build a super strong military to scare the fuck out of everyone. Gingirch says that we are a country that likes peace and stability. Apparently he means between all the wars he wants to bring forth. Gingrich adds that he feels that we should defend the freedom of the sea. He then shares his thoughts on Obama, saying that Iran keeps testing us because our president is weak. Ron Paul gets in the Iran talk and says that our blockade of Iran’s strait is an act of war and tells us to imagine if the roles were reversed. Paul points out that Iran needs the Strait of Hormuz as much as we do. He warns us all that we have too many wars and the thought of invading Iran is ridiculous as we don’t have any money.

Santorum is asked how he would attack Iran when they have such a large target list. Santorum doesn’t answer that, he immediately goes right into the fear mongering he is so good at. He says that if Iran gets a nuke, the whole world will change. He then says that Obama’s Iran policy is a failure and feels that no one in power is serious about the Iranian threat. He then claims that Iran’s leadership is the equivalent to having a country ran by Al-Qaeda. He hammers the point that it is reckless to not try and stop Iran from building a nuke. He then flips the script and starts rambling about manufacturing and energy in Florida.

The candidates are then asked why it is okay for them to court voters in Spanish while they are all in favor of English as a national language. Gingrich says that the common bond that unites a country is one language. He says that there will be 300-400 languages used in the U.S. very soon so we need to unify the people with just one. Romney agrees with Newt before rambling about Massachusetts teachers teaching in other languages. Ron Paul steps in and says that we need to have one language at the national level but adds that if states want ballots in Spanish, such as Florida, it is their right to do so. Paul says that you can make English the official federal language without interfering in what the states want to do.

On illegal immigration, Newt says that the children of illegals should be allowed to join the military so they can go off and die for his senseless wars. Romney says he would not sign the DREAM Act in its current form but he would if it included military service. Romney then goes on a weird rant that illegals should “self-deport” themselves, go back to their country of origin and apply for legal citizenship. Santorum, who didn’t think the “self-deportation” comments were obscure, says that people have been self-deporting for awhile now due to our shitty economy. Santorum keeps referring to illegal immigrants as “they” as if they are something other than individuals.

Newt is asked about sugar and goes on to ramble about sugar types. Romney, who gets a bunch of money from Florida sugar farmers, says that we need to kill sugar subsidies. He then goes on a rant about homes in Florida, diverting his attention away from sugar. Romney says that too many homes in Florida are underwater. OMG! Global warming is drowning us! Oh.. wait.. that was a figure of speech.

Ron Paul is asked some dumb question about saving the Everglades and then we go to a commercial break. Why couldn’t they ask that dummy Santorum about the Everglades? He’s a snake, he’d have more invested in the issue. We also get Williams asking abut the Terry Schiavo case, which happened years ago and has nothing to do with anything that is going on right now. Gingrich and Paul address it but it is just a time-waster.

Romney is asked if space is a priority. He says “yes” but adds that Obama doesn’t have a real vision for NASA and because of that, Florida is suffering. Actually dude, I live in Florida and I’m doing okay, so don’t speak for me. Mitt says that the right mission for NASA needs to be determined by the president. Um.. I thought you were a capitalist guy? Romney then adds that NASA shouldn’t be solely funded by the government but that it should be funded by a collaborative effort of the military and companies that have ties and can benefit from the institutions work.

Keeping with Romney, he is asked what he’s done to promote conservatism. Mitt gives the stupidest answer when he says that he has created a family and worked in the private sector. Really, that’s your answer? Gingrich is then brought in and asked to comment on Mitt and replies with, “I don’t want to spend my time commenting on Mitt.” Well what the fuck was he doing the first half of this goddamned debate?! Santorum jumps in and rants and whines about a bunch of shit regarding Gingrich and Romney not being as conservative as he is.

Brian Williams then asks Ron Paul if Gingrich and Romney are insufficiently conservative. Why didn’t Williams ask if Santorum was? Ron Paul says that it all depends on what your definition of conservative is. He points out that conservatives have lost their way completely and asks how can a person be conservative when they’ll cut food stamps but won’t stop wasteful spending overseas. He adds that you can’t have smaller government if you keep creating all these wars. He also adds that you can’t promote personal liberty and then try to legislate all the crap that the GOP wants.

Mittens says that he has a solid conservative record, just look at it. Okay dickbag. He then diverts and brags about how Ted Kennedy had to take a loan out on his house to beat him in the governor’s race back in the 90′s. Yeah, he still beat you dude. He finishes his soulless rambling by saying he will repeal Obamacare and leave health care up to the states.

Gingrich is asked about his numbers being on the rise and what scares him the most about possibly becoming president. He just says that the next president will face enormous problems. No shit cuntpickle! He then warns that there are too many huge special interest groups working against the country and only for their own benefit. Somehow he expects to defeat that. This ends the debate, twenty minutes early and Brian Williams introduces NBC’s crack staff to analyze the debate for the remainder of the time. I turn off the TV.

God this shit was awful.

Grading Scale:
Grade B: Ron Paul
Grade D+: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Rick Santorum
Grade D-: Mitt Romney

*Written by Rob Rimes.

You’ll have to excuse me, I barely got any sleep and had to wake up early as fuck on a Sunday morning to watch this goddamned debate. This probably won’t be my best written debate critique but I have a duty to fulfill and must see to it that I keep moving forward and continue to cover these shit shows. It’s just hard to get motivated when sitting through these awful things. Apart from Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman, the rest of these assholes are the same and frankly, I’m over it. But whatever, we’ve still got a little while left on this journey but hopefully after New Hampshire, a few more people will fall off and narrow this race down to just a few candidates.

So here we go, just twelve hours or so after the last debate and we’re off on another one. This debate was essentially a special episode of NBC’s Sunday morning news program ‘Meet The Press’. And just like that show, it was hosted by David Gregory, a man who looks like the love child of the Joker and a gremlin. Nothing was more annoying on a Sunday morning, when I should be sleeping off a hangover instead of watching this shit, than having to sit through the first fifteen minutes of this crap. Why? Well, the entire first portion of this debate was about Mitt Romney, as gremlin ass David Gregory wasted a quarter of an hour asking the candidates about the former Massachusetts governor. Jesus, where’s my damn bourbon!

Well, one good thing that I did notice was that Ron Paul was finally at a center podium! At least NBC isn’t afraid to show that Dr. Paul is a frontrunner. So I do have to give them credit for that. Shit, it must be tearing at Rick Santorum. He’s so pissed he gave his feathery baby mullet and extra bit of fluff this morning.

Anyway, Gingrich was the first to be asked about Romney’s record. Newt diverts the question and calls himself a Reagan conservative and says that he is more likely to succeed against Obama than Mitt, who Newt calls “timid”. Newt drops another Reagan reference and then another! He can’t just leave Reagan’s ghost alone, he has to continue to align himself with the 40th president because he knows that he is the hero to most Republicans. The truth is, Newt is NOT a Reagan conservative and at this point, if you can’t see why he isn’t, then you haven’t been paying attention.

Mitt Romney rebuttals by going on and on about his record and success at creating jobs in Massachusetts. He then talks about all the conservative leaders who have endorsed him. Santorum is pulled in and asked the same question as Newt. Then this all goes back and forth between Romney, Santorum and Gingrich for fifteen minutes. This entire section of the debate was pointless. Finally, David Gregory brings Ron Paul into this discussion and Paul says that this entire debate thus far has been “superficial”. Dr. Paul just slams Gregory and NBC for subjecting us to this, which causes Gregory to admit that Paul’s right and thus, the debate gets away from the time-wasting bullshit.

Jon Huntsman comes out and says that he was criticized at the previous night’s debate for putting his country first. Huntsman is of course referring to when Romney basically tried to make him look like a traitor for being Ambassador to China under Barack Obama. Romney says that working under Obama doesn’t truly represent a conservative stance. Huntsman cuts right in and says that the nation is divided because of statements like Mitt Romney’s. The room erupts into applause and cheers, in what was the greatest moment Jon Huntsman has had at any debate. In fact, the response was so good for Huntsman and so bad for Romney, after this exchange, that I would be shocked if there wasn’t a major number shift in the New Hampshire polls leading up to their elections.

Jon Huntsman is asked to name three areas where Americans would feel some pain over major spending cuts. Jon Huntsman immediately pimps the Paul Ryan Plan and says that the best thing about it is that there aren’t any sacred cows. He then goes on to say that defense spending shouldn’t be based off of a percentage of our GDP. He says that it would be determined realistically by looking at what we’re doing, what we need and eliminate all the waste.

Santorum is posed with the same question.He says that he won’t burden future generations with the Social Security problem. He also says that tax on labor makes us uncompetitive. He promises to take welfare and food stamps out of the federal government and return that power to the states. Santorum refers to all these entitlements as “dependency programs”.

Gingrich is asked about the negative comments he made last year in regards to the Paul Ryan Plan. Newt basically brushes it off, as he has already addressed the issue several times and now supports the plan. What he does say is that there needs to be a transition towards a Medicare program that makes sense.

Perry makes a joke and everyone laughs. I missed what he said as I accidentally spilled Chex Mix all over my couch and was frantically trying to clean up the mess; I’m paranoid of bugs. Rick Perry goes on to say that we need to create an environment that brings jobs and gives people their dignity back. He says that he did this in Texas and makes a case as to why he would be the best guy to do it for the whole country.

Rick Santorum comes back in and says that people often tell him that they want the same healthcare program that members of Congress have. Santorum agrees with those people and said that they should be allowed the same choices as Washington’s elite. Okay, so is he for socialized medicine then? Sounds like he wants to replace Obamacare or restructure Obamacare with something that reflects the same insurance plan members of Congress have.

Mitt Romney says that the right course for America is to not raise taxes. He adds that the reason why the government always wants to bring in more tax revenue is because they need to pay for their massive size. Mitt says that we need to shrink the size of government and claims that he has a plan that can reduce it’s size. He goes for the cheap pop from the New Hampshire crowd when he says that the first thing to do to stop over-spending is to kill Obamacare.

Jon Huntsman re-enters the debate and tells us that he put a tax reform proposal on the table that was endorsed by the Wall Street Journal. He says that we have to get rid of all the legislative loopholes and eliminate corporate welfare and subsidies. The crowd is being really receptive to Huntsman this debate.

Gingrich is asked about the personal attacks on him by Harry Reid. Apparently Reid said that if Newt became president, he would do everything in his power to make sure that he was just a one-term president. Gingrich cooly responds that the opposition always wants you to be a one-term president. He doesn’t cite this as an example but he’s right. Hell, nearly every single GOP candidate has said repeatedly that their mission is “..to make Obama a one-term president.” Hell, Michele Bachmann used to scream out this mantra again and again. Gingrich then goes on to cite Reagan again. He also gives Huntsman props for standing up to Romney earlier when he talked about putting partisan bullshit to the side and putting the country first. Newt says that people of goodwill can talk about the problems and work through them. He says that there is always time to fight and bicker later. He reminds us of how well he and Bill Clinton worked together in the 1990′s.

Romney jumps in to defend himself and says that he can work well with others. He talks about how the legislature in Massachusetts was 85 percent Democrat and regardless of that, they all worked well together. He talks about how the Democrats put their trust in him and allowed him to cut spending any way he saw fit. He claims that even though the state was full of Democrats, he cut taxes 19 times.

Ron Paul is asked about argument versus accomplishment or more precisely rhetoric over action. He is asked how he thinks he can get Congress to work with him when so few of his proposals have actually gone before Congress and only one has become a law. Ron Paul says that that shows how disgusting the politicians are and how sick Washington is because his policies work for the people as they are constitutional and promote individual rights, property rights and attack spending. He then says that he wants to first start by bringing our budget back down to the levels that it was at in 2006.

Rick Santorum is asked a question but, being the rotten bag of dicks that he is, ignores it and uses his time to attack Dr. Paul. He says that Paul has accomplished nothing and that he has proven that he is unsuccessful at working with anyone. Right, and everything Santorum has accomplished has been very strong liberal policies that somehow make him, and his supporters, believe that he is a conservative. Santorum goes on to say that Paul’s foreign policy will leave America vulnerable. Yep and Santorum’s foreign policy will murder innocent people and destroy their economy through sanctions and the cost of rebuilding the mess we leave them with. Not to mention the fact that it’ll just manufacture more hatred towards the United States. He concludes by saying that the things Republicans like about Paul, he can’t accomplish, and the thing they don’t like, he can accomplish and those things will put us in harms way. Santorum runs out of time and then tells the moderators that they have to give him more time to answer the question he ignored. This guy is such a fucking prick.

Defending himself, Ron Paul says that we can’t get involved in all these pointless attempts at nation building. He also adds that we can’t afford to have all these bases everywhere. Ron Paul warns us about our horrific monetary policy. He then answers Santorum’s claims that he has no influence by telling everyone that he has changed the rhetoric in this country. He has educated people on the tyranny of the Federal Reserve and made dissatisfaction with that agency go mainstream. He says that most Americans now favor an audit of the Fed and they want more transparency.

They go back to Santorum to answer the question that he ignored and he just babbles a bunch of crap. Huntsman then jumps in and brings up “trust deficits” again. He also brings up his strong desire for congressional term limits.

Rick Perry is asked about leadership and the crowd laughs. He is then asked about how he would buck his party and make decisions that might not be popular with the GOP establishment. Perry says the biggest problem with the country is Congress’ out of control spending. Referring to a few unnamed people on stage, he says that those who voted to raise the debt limit are a part of the problem. Perry, like Huntsman, calls for term limits for Congress but he also calls for them to be cut down to part-time so that they would all have to get real jobs like the rest of us. So, does Perry have a regular job?

Jon Huntsman gets on energy and says that we have to stop favoring oil over other resources. He tells us that we need more diversity and that we need to treat oil in the same way we treated broadcasting. He says that we have to break up the oil monopolies or else we will never truly have energy independence.

Ron Paul is asked about his stance on oil and energy subsidies. He responds by telling the moderators that subsidies are bad economic and moral policy as it takes government force to transfer money from one group to another, which can cause great harm in the long run. Ron Paul says that when the dollar is manipulated it drives prices up elsewhere, especially in regards to energy.

Mitt Romney starts talking a bunch of shit. He says that we have massive overhead because there are too many government problems. No shit dickweed, did you just figure that out? He is then asked about his pro-gay comments from some random magazine that was published in 1994. In that interview, Mitt said that he would stand up for gay rights. Mitt responds by saying that he doesn’t discriminate and that he had a gay person in his cabinet while he was governor. He says that he has always promoted a stance that wasn’t discriminatory in the hiring process or anywhere else. The moderator asks Mitt, “When was the last time you stood up for gay rights.” Mitt quickly snaps back, “Right now!”

The topic of defending gays is then brought up to Santorum. This bigoted fuck says that all people should be treated with respect and dignity but he is against gays trying to write or change laws. Yep asshole, sounds like respect and dignity to me. He is then asked how he would treat a son that came out to him as gay. He says that he would love him the same. Yeah, except he probably wouldn’t let his hypothetical gay son vote during major family decisions.

They go to Rick Perry and he just rambles about wrangling steer and wrestling illegal aliens before handing them free tuition checks. Mitt also has a ramble session but says unions suck and we need federal “right to work” legislation. He goes on to say that unions have too much political power and points to the unions for government employees as being one of the worst examples of political corruption. Santorum jumps back in to get his two cents on unions into the debate. He admits that he didn’t vote for Pennsylvania to be a “right to work” state but he supports it nationally. Uh.. does he not know how this works?

Newt Gingrich blames Barack Obama’s policy for killing jobs and raising gas prices. This lead in is just another opportunity for him to rant about how he is the second coming of Ronald Reagan again! Newt, who has always been a good debater is now carrying himself like Michele Bachmann, who was synonymous for continually repeating catchphrases over and over. I don’t see how this continued talk of how he is Reagan-esque is going to help him. His strategy has always worked well in debates and he doesn’t need to hold onto this cheap talking point.

Mitt Romney blames Obama for the slow economics recovery but doesn’t blame him for the recession itself. He adds that business owners feel like they are under attack from the Obama administration due to his shitty policies. He then goes on a tangent about clean air or something. He finishes up by calling for a real effort at tapping into our natural gas resources. Scientists have recently come out and said there is a lot less natural gas than these politicians claim. This is something I should probably look more into. Continuing the energy talk, Newt explains how radical and incompetent the EPA is. He gives a bunch of examples of how they suck and concludes by saying that he plans to replace the EPA with a different environmental agency.

Rick Perry is asked about John McCain’s comments where he recently praised Obama by saying that on foreign policy he reflected our Founding Fathers. Mr. Texas didn’t agree with McCain’s comments and he pointed out that Obama is a socialist and is therefore incompatible with the Founding Fathers. Really? Because on foreign policy, Obama and Perry don’t really differ all that much. Perry then rants about how Obama needs to respect the 10th Amendment.

Due to the fact that he has had very liberal policies, Santorum is asked if he has advanced socialism. He doesn’t really answer the question and goes on to describe all the things he’s done to reform the health care industry. The moderator gets flustered because Santorum is beating around the bush. Ricky Boy explains that he and the moderator aren’t communicating well. He says that his record proves that he is anti-socialist. You sure about that homeboy?

One of the idiot moderators asks Ron Paul what people are entitled to get from the government, as if people should expect the government to give them hand outs galore. Paul smacks this dickhead down and says that entitlements are not a right. He goes on to say that he hates the term “gay rights” because that puts people into a group. He says we’re not groups we’re all individuals and then says that it is individual rights that we have to protect. He says that we must think in terms of individuals and not groups and then warns that we can’t expect one group to be forced to have to give to another group.

Being that they are in New Hampshire, Jon Huntsman is asked what “Live Free or Die” means to him. He says that it is a motto that people from New Hampshire take very seriously. He says that they also take leadership very seriously and leadership is about unifying people, not vilifying groups and attacking them. Huntsman then goes on another rant about the “trust deficit”.

Rick Santorum is asked why he thinks that we need to worry about Iran when we survived the Cold War, as Russia had thousand upon thousands of nuclear missiles pointed at us. They also cite the fact that North Korea, who hates us, is also armed with nukes but Santorum doesn’t think we should invade them. Rick says that Iran is an Islamic theocracy and they are willing to die to kill us, so that is the major difference. Santorum needs to learn about Iran and its people.

Gingrich is asked about the fact that he has been vocally opposed to all the attack ads coming out against him but now he is releasing attack ads too. The moderators challenge Newt’s consistency. He says that he is consistent because his attack ads are “fact based” unlike all the ads from other candidates. Oh, what a crock of shit! This honey badger really has thin skin and a mouth full of bullshit to hide it! Gingrich then gets fired up and tells Romney to come out and say that his attack ads are “untrue”. Mitt says that he didn’t make the ads and by law he can’t direct them, they are made by all of his PACs. Mitt says that if the ads have anything that is wrong, that material should be taken out. However Romney immediately starts going through every single point in the ads and says that each one is true. Newt can’t dispute it, he just looks like a whiney fool and tucks his tail between his legs. Romney literally owned Newt! That just leaves one to wonder, what the hell has happened to our beloved honey badger? He’s gone from super-debater to being a guy that just babbles, repeats catchphrases and cowers at the sight of a fancy haircut!

To close out the debate, Rick Santorum goes on to talk about the book he wrote. Fuck you asshole, I’ve written two and am nearly done with my third! Plus mine don’t suck. And that’s pretty much it, other than Ron Paul talking about how he will always preach the gospel of liberty. This debate was pretty poor overall and most of these people still look like the weak douches they are. Paul did pretty good but not as good as last night. Huntsman did really well! In fact, the people of New Hampshire were cheering him many times throughout the debate. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jon Huntsman surges in the polls after this showing.

Grading Scale:
Grade A-: Jon Huntsman
Grade B: Ron Paul
Grade C: Mitt Romney
Grade D: Newt Gingrich
Grade D: Rick Perry
Grade F: Rick Santorum