Seen here about to fail hard, 37-year old “warrior” David Millington prepares to wage battle on an enemy he’s held a grudge against for 30 years. Wait — since you were seven?! Jesus, he wiped a booger on your arm, bro – let it go.

This is the astonishing moment a crazed attacker stormed into a supermarket armed with an arsenal of knives including a hockey stick with a blade on the end as oblivious punters carried on their shopping.
Described as looking like a ‘warrior’, Wolverhampton Crown Court heard how David Millington, 37, went into Morrisons in a suburb of Wolverhampton last March wearing a tool belt containing five kitchen knives and a makeshift shield.

Millington then chased security guard Andrew Osbourne, who he lived close to as a youngster and reportedly has a 30-year grudge against, through the store before being tackled to the ground by brave manager Michael Walsh.

First of all, that’s not a shield. Not even a MAKESHIFT one. That’s a piece of foamboard with a belt taped to it. Secondly, I can’t believe his mom let him leave the house with her good knives. Lastly, Millington was ruled unfit to stand trail and ordered to be treated in a mental hospital because he’s a little cray-cray. Gee, you think? He had 30 years to plot revenge and this was his plan A.

Moment crazed ‘warrior’ enters supermarket armed with five kitchen knives, improvised axe and makeshift shield [dailymail]

Thanks to Seb, who agrees in 30 years you could have at least ordered something from ACME.

Source: Geekologie.

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Button Gwinnett wasn’t just a cranky malfunctioning robot guarding the Declaration of Indpendence in the amazing video game ‘Fallout 3′, he was also a Founding Father and an invincible swashbuckling warrior who kicked the living and undead crap out of evildoers! Living in the day of real men and the Revolutionary War, Button was no stranger to fighting for your freedom to the bitter end! A master of the duel and an accomplished politician, this former provisional President of Georgia was a serious threat to anyone who opposed him. Not much is known about this almost forgotten Founding Father, so here I am to shed some light on one of the greatest Americans of all fucking time!

Button was born in England, to Welsh parents in 1735. His father was a reverend and his mother was a reverend’s wife, which is typical of women married to reverends. There isn’t much known about his early life but as a child in England, he did spend a lot of time with his Uncle Seymour, where he assisted him in his strange scientific pursuits. Uncle Seymour, or SeySey as Button called him, was bridging the gap between science and magick with his arduous work. In 1747, SeySey had an incredible breakthrough.

SeySey created what he referred to as the Continuum Drill. In a nutshell, the Drill was a large device in SeySey’s large underground lab. The Drill was about 10 feet tall and 60 feet long; it resembled a futuristic laser canon. When operational, it would emit a thin rotating laser beam from its tip that would drill into what looked like thin air. However, the Continuum Drill was actually drilling into the fabric of space-time! On the day of Button’s 12th birthday, in 1747, Uncle SeySey’s Drill finally tore through the space-time continuum: opening a gateway to another dimension!

Minutes after the continuum was torn, thousands of demonic looking locusts swarmed the lab. Button took cover under a large heavy coat but the screams of Uncle SeySey were horrifying to hear. After a few minutes, the sound of the locusts were gone, as was the screaming. A frightened Button carefully peaked out from under the heavy coat that covered him like a wool turtle shell on the floor. He noticed that his uncle was walking around, stumbling like a drunkard. The locusts were nowhere to be seen. In fact, the ripped fabric of space-time had disappeared. Was it all a twisted dream or a hallucination caused by exposure to the Continuum Drill?

Button threw the jacket off and ran towards his uncle, worried that his physical wooziness would cause him to fall into the Continuum Drill and damage it. Before Button reached his uncle, SeySey already started thwacking the Drill violently with a large metal bar. Button watched in horror as his uncle destroyed his life’s work. When the machine was beyond repair, Uncle SeySey dropped the bar.

Button put his hand on his sobbing uncle’s shoulder, which caused SeySey to quickly pull away. When Button saw his uncle’s face, he gasped. The flesh was torn from SeySey’s face, almost down to the bone. His eyes though, they were different. Button saw a sinister evil gaze in the newly red eyes that peered back at him. The seemingly luminous blood read bulbs in the shredded face of his uncle, caused Button to run. His uncle grabbed him by the wrist and yanked him towards him, holding Button in his incredibly strong clutches. Uncle SeySey let out a demonic moan as he opened his mouth. His mouth opened wider than humanly possible as an insect-like tendril stretched out from the back of his bloody throat. Button screamed until the tendril forced its way into his mouth: muffling him!

Suddenly, Button heard an explosion and his uncle’s head burst into fragments in his face. When Uncle SeySey’s body fell, Button saw a tall man holding a smoking stick. Button spit the severed tendril out of his mouth and ran over to the man. Button asked what that was in his hand and the man told him it was a shotgun. He then explained to Button that he was from the future and that he had to clean up the mess Uncle SeySey created. According to the mysterious man, once the Continuum Drill ripped the fabric of space-time, the creatures of Hell used it to break through from the other side by directing the beam towards their dimension. The man said that now that they had broken through, they will not stop trying to come back to Earth. The only way to stop them is to kill Hell’s Secretary of War, Agorth Nezeroth. The man also explained that Uncle SeySey had become infected by the Plague of Locusts and had to be destroyed before he could spread it. The man left, leaving Button with the knowledge that one day he would return to prepare him for battle with the forces of Hell.

Button then went on with his life. He attended the King’s School and after that, started a career as an English merchant. In 1755, he moved to Wolverhampton and shortly after that he married Ann Bourne. In 1762, after five years of marriage, the couple moved to America. After arriving in Charleston, South Carolina, they made their way into Georgia by 1765.

Button sold off all of his merchandise and left his life as a merchant behind, so that he could have enough money to start his own plantation. His plantation was incredibly successful and grew to be one of the biggest in the territory. By 1769, Button had grown to become one of the leaders of the colony. He was elected to the Provincial Assembly where he quickly became rivals with Lachlan McIntosh, a Scottish douche with a somewhat sinister disposition.

During the year of 1775, Button became a strong supporter of Colonial rights. On July 4th, 1776, he voted in favor of the Declaration of Independence and became the second signatory of that iconic document. During his tenure as a member of the Continental Congress, Button was a top candidate for the position of brigadier general to the Continental Army’s 1st Regiment. After bitter debate the position was awarded to his rival, Lachlan McIntosh. This infuriated Button, as he knew that there was something seriously “off” about McIntosh, other than just general douchery.

Button served in the Georgia state legislature and drafted the original incarnation of Georgia’s state constitution. This led to him becoming the Speaker of the Georgia Assembly. He held this position proudly and only left when he was appointed to the great position of President of Georgia, after the death of then president Archibald Bulloch. From this position, Button was able to observe, and at times undermine, the leadership of General Lachlan McIntosh.

During this time, Button was reminded of his dark past by the reappearance of the mysterious stranger from the future. The stranger informed Button that General Lachlan McIntosh was actually Hell’s Secretary of War, Agorth Nezeroth. Button was surprised by this news but upon further pondering, realized it to be true. The stranger gave him his shotgun and told him that the shells were full of a special kind of rock salt that was highly lethal to demons. He also gave Button full access to a futuristic armory that had countless weapons that could also permanently destroy demons in their physical forms. The armory was secretly built under Button’s plantation.

A few nights later, Button was woken up to screaming out on the dark plantation. He grabbed the shotgun and ran out to the fields only to discover the severed head of the mysterious stranger with the words “die button, die!” scratched into his forehead. Button went to pick up the head but was quickly tackled by a demonic dog. It was a hellhound with burning flesh and hungry eyes. Button shot it to smithereens only to discover that he was surrounded by a pack of the hellish canines.

Button fought them off but was severely burned every time one of the dogs made contact with him. Within a few short minutes however, all the dogs were blasted back to Hell. That is when a towering black demon made his presence known. It demanded Button’s flesh as payment for its dead pets. Button answered with a point blank blast to the demon’s face. The demon fell into several pieces, burst into flames and sank back to Hell, leaving a black hole in the ground. Button threw his shotgun over his shoulder, went back inside and went back to bed.

Button woke up the next morning and decided to organize and invasion of British East Florida. Button wanted to lead the invasion himself, as he was battle starved and wanting more action after his encounter with Hell’s minions. Due to the craftiness of General McIntosh and certain legislators owing him favors, he was able to get the position of leader for the invasion, ousting Button from the position of commander on his own mission.

McIntosh deliberately sabotaged the mission, making it a disaster and a black smear on Button’s career. Button decided that the time was coming for him to deal with McIntosh once and for all. However, while planning the assassination of McIntosh, Button lost reelection and faced incredible embarrassment at the hands of his rival. McIntosh used this opportunity to publicly berate and blame Button for the failed campaign in an attempt to embarrass him even further. After an investigation however, Button was cleared of any wrongdoing in his handling of the invasion. Irate, regardless of the investigation’s results, Button challenged McIntosh to a duel in order to settle their beef once and for all. McIntosh gleefully accepted.

On May 16th, 1777 the two met at Governor Wright’s estate, just miles outside of Savannah, Georgia. Button had a special pistol with special bullets designed to destroy demons. He knew that he didn’t even need to get a kill shot, all he needed to do was hit McIntosh and all would be over. McIntosh would burst into flames and be exposed as a demon for all to see. McIntosh however, had a trick up his sleeve.

Both men, staring each other down intensely, drew their weapons and fired simultaneously. Both men were struck, however it was Button who fell. McIntosh, brushing off his flesh wound stood above the fallen Button and told him that he replaced the special bullets and that the regular bullets in Button’s gun couldn’t harm him. Button, in pain and infuriated, was taken off of the field and tended to by a doctor. Three days later, Button died when his shattered leg turned gangrenous. General Lachlan McIntosh, the human form of Agorth Nezeroth, Hell’s Secretary of War had the last laugh.

McIntosh was accused of murder, but due to his hellish connections, was exonerated of the crime. He went on to fight in many more battles and died an old man later in life. However, the Gates of Hell still have not opened. Even with McIntosh’s success, one has to believe that Button Gwinnett is still fighting the good fight from the other side. Gwinnett, due to his demise so shortly after the Revolution began, became the first signer of the Declaration of Independence to die.