Russia, still bitter about the whole Cold War thing, has been secretly developing a microwave‘zombie gun’, designed to scramble people’s brains and potentially provide mind control. This…is not going to end well, but would make a pretty bitchin’ movie. “In Soviet Russia, gun zombies you.” Jesus, of course you went there.

Precise details have not been revealed but previous research has shown that low-frequency waves or beams can affect brain cells, alter psychological states and make it possible to transmit suggestions and commands directly into someone’s thoughts.

Mr Putin said the technology is comparable in effect to nuclear weapons but ‘more acceptable in terms of political and military ideology.’

Well folks, looks like it’s time to break out the tin-foil hats. Me? I lined my regular baseball cap with foil on the inside so I still look fashionable. I like to think of it as chic apocalypse. “You really do think about the dumbest shit.” Man, you ever wondered if like, the whole world used to be pyramids but most of them just eroded away?

Source: Geekologie.

*Written by Rob Rimes.

I described the last Huckabee fourm as “..about as fun as using a power drill on one’s own head.” With that said, I doubt that this second attempt at trying to grab ratings for Huck’s lackluster Saturday night show was any better. Considering that the first forum was so awful and that Ron Paul didn’t even participate in this one, I opted out of watching it and instead went out and had some sushi, ribeye and drinks with some friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. Sometimes life is more important than politics for a political commentator and since this was just a circus of five statist shitcocks claiming to be conservatives, I couldn’t bear to sit through another shit show trying to take itself seriously.

So what could I possibly write about the debate, considering I didn’t even see it? Well, I think it is important to acknowledge it and important to explain why I didn’t watch it, as I already have. Truth be told, it isn’t hard to know exactly how this night went without even witnessing it.

I’m sure Mitt Romney gave us the same old crap about being the King of Job Creation and his claims weren’t attacked by the other candidates, as this was probably like the last Huckabee forum where candidates weren’t allowed to share the stage or talk about each other. Doesn’t Huck know how lame that is? No one wants to see these people not rip each other’s throats out! We want blood! That’s the only way you can separate the bitches and bastards from the generals. Anyway, Romney pimped his job creation skills, talked about how much of a dickhead Obama was and warned that China was going to murder American puppies. I also assume that he was wearing Garnier Volumizing Anti-Humidity.

Newt Gingrich probably ranted about the Romney-Bain issue and spent most of that time defending himself from looking like an asshole for continually harping on ol’ Mittens about it. Newt probably name dropped Ronald Reagan six dozen times. Huckabee probably had Newt explain why he is the thirty-seventh version of the second coming of Reagan. Gingrich most likely pandered to the South Carolinians regarding parts of his platform that might be frowned upon by the people of the South. Newt most assuredly filibustered about everything from his controversial illegal immigration stance to allowing the Confederacy to rise again.

I’m sure Jon Huntsman went on to talk about how no one but him understands China. He also would have talked about bringing our troops home. He probably talked down all of our wars and offered up some good foreign policy points that differ from everyone else in the forum quite drastically. He may have talked in Mandarin or Klingon at some point in an effort to confuse the South Carolinians. He also would have played up his success in New Hampshire as some sort of great win, even though he was in third place. I would gather that he probably said “truth deficit” nine-hundred times give or take a few dozen.

If history is any indicator, Governor Perry talked about sanctions on everyone and pushing our troops back into Iraq to continue on some pointless conquest. Perry probably used a lot of fear-mongering to sell South Carolinians on the idea that every other country in the world wants to steal our wives and sell our children to Martians. He went on to ramble incoherently but got applause for it nonetheless. He was also blind to the fact that he is not just at the bottom of the barrel, he has been nailed, glued and stapled to it.

Gay-hating penis muffin Rick Santorum went on to talk about how awesome Jesus Christ is and how he was going to give him the power to cure fags and revive dead fetuses. With the first power, he would most assuredly put Marcus Bachmann out of business but then again it would be a true cure to the gay disease and Mr. Bachmann and Mr. Santorum wouldn’t have to worry about hiding their ravenous sexual appetites, as they would only be interested in women after the cure. With the second power granted by Jesus, Santorum would build a small army of undead baby zombies that he could use to achieve several evil deeds. For instance, they could be used for espionage work, as they could hide in small areas and move around undetected. They could also be used to clear mine fields before our military moved in to claim another country. Hell, they could even be used as a pack of piranha-like undead parasites that Santorum could unleash on his political enemies, where they would be devoured or zombified – either way making them a part of Santorum’s undead fetus army.

What did Ron Paul do? He sat this one out and probably didn’t even bother watching it as it was just a forum to display the same old establishment bullshit and propaganda. Now I am not sure if Dr. Paul chose to sit this out or if Huck was just a dick and didn’t invite him. Typically, even at shit events like this one, Ron Paul takes advantage of any free time given to him. The only way I could see him not participating, if he was invited, would be due to being locked in to a prior engagement. Whatever the reason, he’s the real winner here for not even being a part of this mess. Besides, the first forum was just a waste of his time.

In the end, I couldn’t care less about this forum. This should be obvious after reading through this bullshit article. I’ve also learned that most of these candidates have nothing more to say. At this point they just need to go after each other in a free-for-all brawl leaving no punches pulled! To take these people, at this point, and put them in a scenario where they can’t talk about each other or even share a stage is just stupid and careless. I know Mike Huckabee wants to be above the bickering and name calling but that’s all we’ve got left! Let them bleed out! It’s time to release the sharks!

There is no grading scale for this debate. Just assume everyone in it got an “F” and Ron Paul got an “A” for not taking part.

My Two Cents: Personally I am not a fan of circumcision but this is incredibly f’d. End Two Cents.

*Taken from The Blaze.

Kim Kardashian put on a $2 million dollar Band-Aid. Mark Dice is a media analyst, social critic, political activist, and author who, in an entertaining and educational way, gets people to question our celebrity obsessed culture, and the role the mainstream media plays in shaping our lives.

Mark frequently stirs up controversy from his commentaries, protests, and boycotts, and has repeatedly been featured in major media outlets around the world.

Several of Mark’s YouTube videos have went viral, earning him a mention on ABC’s The View, Fox News’ O’Reilly Factor, TMZ.com, and other mainstream media outlets. Mark has also been featured in (or attacked in) the New York Post’s Page Six, Rolling Stone Magazine, USA Today, The New York Daily News, and in major papers in Pakistan and Iran.

Mark Dice appears in several documentary films including Invisible Empire, and The 9/11 Chronicles, and was featured on the History Channel’s Decoded. He enjoys enlightening zombies, as he calls them, (ignorant people) about the mass media’s effect on our culture, pointing out Big Brother’s prying eyes, and exposing elite secret societies along with scumbag politicians and their corrupt political agendas.

He also habitually calls into several top-rated talk shows, including the Sean Hannity Show, Glenn Beck, and Michael Savage, and verbally battles with the hosts on various issues since he has never been asked to be a guest on them as of yet. Audio of some of these calls are then posted online.

The term “fighting the New World Order” is used by Mark to describe some of his activities, and refers to his and others’ resistance and opposition (The Resistance) to the overall system of political corruption, illegal wars, elite secret societies, mainstream media, Big Brother and privacy issues; as well as various economic and social issues.

Dice and his supporters sometimes refer to being “awake” or “enlightened” and see their knowledge of these topics as part of their own personal Resistance to the corrupt New World Order. This Resistance involves self-improvement, self-sufficiency, personal responsibility and spiritual growth.

Mark Dice is the author of several books on current events, secret societies and conspiracies, including his newest book, Big Brother: The Orwellian Nightmare Come True. He lives in San Diego, California.

My Two Cents: What do they know that they aren’t telling us? End Two Cents.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released a video as part of a guide for emergency situations … such as a zombie apocalypse?

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Button Gwinnett wasn’t just a cranky malfunctioning robot guarding the Declaration of Indpendence in the amazing video game ‘Fallout 3′, he was also a Founding Father and an invincible swashbuckling warrior who kicked the living and undead crap out of evildoers! Living in the day of real men and the Revolutionary War, Button was no stranger to fighting for your freedom to the bitter end! A master of the duel and an accomplished politician, this former provisional President of Georgia was a serious threat to anyone who opposed him. Not much is known about this almost forgotten Founding Father, so here I am to shed some light on one of the greatest Americans of all fucking time!

Button was born in England, to Welsh parents in 1735. His father was a reverend and his mother was a reverend’s wife, which is typical of women married to reverends. There isn’t much known about his early life but as a child in England, he did spend a lot of time with his Uncle Seymour, where he assisted him in his strange scientific pursuits. Uncle Seymour, or SeySey as Button called him, was bridging the gap between science and magick with his arduous work. In 1747, SeySey had an incredible breakthrough.

SeySey created what he referred to as the Continuum Drill. In a nutshell, the Drill was a large device in SeySey’s large underground lab. The Drill was about 10 feet tall and 60 feet long; it resembled a futuristic laser canon. When operational, it would emit a thin rotating laser beam from its tip that would drill into what looked like thin air. However, the Continuum Drill was actually drilling into the fabric of space-time! On the day of Button’s 12th birthday, in 1747, Uncle SeySey’s Drill finally tore through the space-time continuum: opening a gateway to another dimension!

Minutes after the continuum was torn, thousands of demonic looking locusts swarmed the lab. Button took cover under a large heavy coat but the screams of Uncle SeySey were horrifying to hear. After a few minutes, the sound of the locusts were gone, as was the screaming. A frightened Button carefully peaked out from under the heavy coat that covered him like a wool turtle shell on the floor. He noticed that his uncle was walking around, stumbling like a drunkard. The locusts were nowhere to be seen. In fact, the ripped fabric of space-time had disappeared. Was it all a twisted dream or a hallucination caused by exposure to the Continuum Drill?

Button threw the jacket off and ran towards his uncle, worried that his physical wooziness would cause him to fall into the Continuum Drill and damage it. Before Button reached his uncle, SeySey already started thwacking the Drill violently with a large metal bar. Button watched in horror as his uncle destroyed his life’s work. When the machine was beyond repair, Uncle SeySey dropped the bar.

Button put his hand on his sobbing uncle’s shoulder, which caused SeySey to quickly pull away. When Button saw his uncle’s face, he gasped. The flesh was torn from SeySey’s face, almost down to the bone. His eyes though, they were different. Button saw a sinister evil gaze in the newly red eyes that peered back at him. The seemingly luminous blood read bulbs in the shredded face of his uncle, caused Button to run. His uncle grabbed him by the wrist and yanked him towards him, holding Button in his incredibly strong clutches. Uncle SeySey let out a demonic moan as he opened his mouth. His mouth opened wider than humanly possible as an insect-like tendril stretched out from the back of his bloody throat. Button screamed until the tendril forced its way into his mouth: muffling him!

Suddenly, Button heard an explosion and his uncle’s head burst into fragments in his face. When Uncle SeySey’s body fell, Button saw a tall man holding a smoking stick. Button spit the severed tendril out of his mouth and ran over to the man. Button asked what that was in his hand and the man told him it was a shotgun. He then explained to Button that he was from the future and that he had to clean up the mess Uncle SeySey created. According to the mysterious man, once the Continuum Drill ripped the fabric of space-time, the creatures of Hell used it to break through from the other side by directing the beam towards their dimension. The man said that now that they had broken through, they will not stop trying to come back to Earth. The only way to stop them is to kill Hell’s Secretary of War, Agorth Nezeroth. The man also explained that Uncle SeySey had become infected by the Plague of Locusts and had to be destroyed before he could spread it. The man left, leaving Button with the knowledge that one day he would return to prepare him for battle with the forces of Hell.

Button then went on with his life. He attended the King’s School and after that, started a career as an English merchant. In 1755, he moved to Wolverhampton and shortly after that he married Ann Bourne. In 1762, after five years of marriage, the couple moved to America. After arriving in Charleston, South Carolina, they made their way into Georgia by 1765.

Button sold off all of his merchandise and left his life as a merchant behind, so that he could have enough money to start his own plantation. His plantation was incredibly successful and grew to be one of the biggest in the territory. By 1769, Button had grown to become one of the leaders of the colony. He was elected to the Provincial Assembly where he quickly became rivals with Lachlan McIntosh, a Scottish douche with a somewhat sinister disposition.

During the year of 1775, Button became a strong supporter of Colonial rights. On July 4th, 1776, he voted in favor of the Declaration of Independence and became the second signatory of that iconic document. During his tenure as a member of the Continental Congress, Button was a top candidate for the position of brigadier general to the Continental Army’s 1st Regiment. After bitter debate the position was awarded to his rival, Lachlan McIntosh. This infuriated Button, as he knew that there was something seriously “off” about McIntosh, other than just general douchery.

Button served in the Georgia state legislature and drafted the original incarnation of Georgia’s state constitution. This led to him becoming the Speaker of the Georgia Assembly. He held this position proudly and only left when he was appointed to the great position of President of Georgia, after the death of then president Archibald Bulloch. From this position, Button was able to observe, and at times undermine, the leadership of General Lachlan McIntosh.

During this time, Button was reminded of his dark past by the reappearance of the mysterious stranger from the future. The stranger informed Button that General Lachlan McIntosh was actually Hell’s Secretary of War, Agorth Nezeroth. Button was surprised by this news but upon further pondering, realized it to be true. The stranger gave him his shotgun and told him that the shells were full of a special kind of rock salt that was highly lethal to demons. He also gave Button full access to a futuristic armory that had countless weapons that could also permanently destroy demons in their physical forms. The armory was secretly built under Button’s plantation.

A few nights later, Button was woken up to screaming out on the dark plantation. He grabbed the shotgun and ran out to the fields only to discover the severed head of the mysterious stranger with the words “die button, die!” scratched into his forehead. Button went to pick up the head but was quickly tackled by a demonic dog. It was a hellhound with burning flesh and hungry eyes. Button shot it to smithereens only to discover that he was surrounded by a pack of the hellish canines.

Button fought them off but was severely burned every time one of the dogs made contact with him. Within a few short minutes however, all the dogs were blasted back to Hell. That is when a towering black demon made his presence known. It demanded Button’s flesh as payment for its dead pets. Button answered with a point blank blast to the demon’s face. The demon fell into several pieces, burst into flames and sank back to Hell, leaving a black hole in the ground. Button threw his shotgun over his shoulder, went back inside and went back to bed.

Button woke up the next morning and decided to organize and invasion of British East Florida. Button wanted to lead the invasion himself, as he was battle starved and wanting more action after his encounter with Hell’s minions. Due to the craftiness of General McIntosh and certain legislators owing him favors, he was able to get the position of leader for the invasion, ousting Button from the position of commander on his own mission.

McIntosh deliberately sabotaged the mission, making it a disaster and a black smear on Button’s career. Button decided that the time was coming for him to deal with McIntosh once and for all. However, while planning the assassination of McIntosh, Button lost reelection and faced incredible embarrassment at the hands of his rival. McIntosh used this opportunity to publicly berate and blame Button for the failed campaign in an attempt to embarrass him even further. After an investigation however, Button was cleared of any wrongdoing in his handling of the invasion. Irate, regardless of the investigation’s results, Button challenged McIntosh to a duel in order to settle their beef once and for all. McIntosh gleefully accepted.

On May 16th, 1777 the two met at Governor Wright’s estate, just miles outside of Savannah, Georgia. Button had a special pistol with special bullets designed to destroy demons. He knew that he didn’t even need to get a kill shot, all he needed to do was hit McIntosh and all would be over. McIntosh would burst into flames and be exposed as a demon for all to see. McIntosh however, had a trick up his sleeve.

Both men, staring each other down intensely, drew their weapons and fired simultaneously. Both men were struck, however it was Button who fell. McIntosh, brushing off his flesh wound stood above the fallen Button and told him that he replaced the special bullets and that the regular bullets in Button’s gun couldn’t harm him. Button, in pain and infuriated, was taken off of the field and tended to by a doctor. Three days later, Button died when his shattered leg turned gangrenous. General Lachlan McIntosh, the human form of Agorth Nezeroth, Hell’s Secretary of War had the last laugh.

McIntosh was accused of murder, but due to his hellish connections, was exonerated of the crime. He went on to fight in many more battles and died an old man later in life. However, the Gates of Hell still have not opened. Even with McIntosh’s success, one has to believe that Button Gwinnett is still fighting the good fight from the other side. Gwinnett, due to his demise so shortly after the Revolution began, became the first signer of the Declaration of Independence to die.

*Taken from Reason. Written by Katherine Mangu-Ward.

Watching an episode of The Walking Deadinevitably leads to passing thoughts about which room of your house would be easiest to defend when zombies finally overrun the neighborhood. But unless you’re an international relations theorist, you may not have given much thought to what happens to global politics once the undead are upon us. Luckily, the Tufts University political scientist Daniel W. Drezner has stepped up with a bite-sized book on the subject, Theories of International Politics and Zombies (Princeton). In addition to wargaming various zombie scenarios, Drezner’s book serves as an entertaining primer on the distinctions between several theories of international politics.

Start with the theorists known as realists. In Drezner’s telling, zombies won’t faze them. From their ivory towers—which will, incidentally, become excellent defensive positions when the brain munching begins—realists see the interplay between nations as a power struggle in which national interests and security are the primary concerns. For the realist, the shuffling undead hordes will simply become part of the existing equation in which global actors live in a fundamental condition of anarchy with respect to one another.

So zombies will pursue their own interests—brrraaaiiinns—while states pursue theirs. To illustrate the fundamentally self-interested power dynamics that drive this theory, Drezner points to the drama within a house under attack in the 1968 film Night of the Living Dead: “Despite the common external threat posed by zombies, the individuals inside the house are barely able to cooperate.”

Then again, if the portrait of zombie psychology in Land of the Dead (2005) is correct, and zombies retain some minimally human attributes, realists will see a possibility for a deal in which human-dominated states and zombie-dominated states agree to leave each other alone. Sure, the realist says, zombies are devouring human populations in the territory they occupy, but as John Quincy Adams so presciently noted, perhaps it isn’t the role of the United States to go abroad in search of monsters to destroy.

The 2009 film Zombieland suggests that survival is only possible through clearly articulated rules and a credible commitment to cooperation by individuals with disparate interests. This premise parallels the foreign policy view known as liberalism, which focuses on how cultural factors influence relations between states and peoples, giving more weight to the role of commerce, international institutions, and diverse preferences within the state. Liberals tend to favor cooperative global bodies. But Drezner is skeptical that such a group—say, a World Zombie Organization—will be efficacious, and he sees only slightly greater hope in a North American Counter-Zombie Agreement.

Neoconservatism, with its default high alert setting for existential threats, will have no trouble reacting to the zombie onslaught. As Max Brooks notes in his 2006 book World War Z, it isn’t clear that zombies can be either shocked or awed. Still, neocons would favor responding rapidly, unilaterally if necessary, and with as much force as possible. Winning hearts and minds will be out of the question, as neither function well in the undead, and zombies are also unlikely to accept soccer balls and infrastructure projects in lieu of yummy gray matter.

Yet the long-term outlook for the neocon approach is problematic. After an initial strike, humanity could find itself in a worldwide Iraq-style occupation scenario, stuck in an ongoing retail-level battle with a seemingly endless supply of zombie insurgents combating inadequately supplied and spiritually depleted military forces.

In a crisis, governments tend to seize new powers—war and zombies are the health of the state. And as zombies will quickly become a worldwide concern, global coordination of some kind will be central under any theory of international relations. But neither governments nor international organizations are structured to respond well to the rise of the undead. Instead, they will continue to pursue their respective missions, seizing opportunities as they emerge in a suddenly fluid political landscape.

So instead of international bodies banding together and refocusing their efforts on the zombie threat, you can expect British beef and genetically modified organisms of all kinds to be banned from the European mainland, on the grounds of possible biological contagion. Poor countries will demand aid and sacrifices from rich countries, while resisting accountability and transparency measures, as they have done at recent climate change conferences in Copenhagen and Cancun. Military contractors will swing into action, commissioning quickie studies on the efficacy of various weapon systems in anti-zombie defense. Some human rights groups will decide to include zombies in their mandates, reaping the rewards of press attention as spokesmen for a constituency unable to speak—although it can inarticulately moan—for itself.

A 2001 paper by Anthony Cordesman of the Center for Strategic and International Studies tallied the number of domestic agencies potentially involved in a bioterror response. He found 44 separate entities. The number of players in an anti-zombie campaign would likely be greater, which suggests massive coordination problems. Even within agencies, the appropriate course of action may not be clear. Drezner relates an episode in Brian Keene’s novel The Rising. The president has become a zombie and is eating the secretary of state: “One Secret Service agent drew his weapon on the undead Commander-in-Chief, and a second agent immediately shot the first.”

In her 2009 book A Paradise Built in Hell: The Extraordinary Communities That Arise in Disaster, Rebecca Solnit wrote that “the problem with bureaucrats during crises may be the only thing that disaster movies get right.” That goes double for the zombie genre. Most of these movies open after civilization has already fallen apart, the massive apparatus of government having proven powerless to stop the plague of unhinged jawbones. When the zombie apocalypse comes, expect the bureaucrats to fiddle while Rome is chomped.