Who Won the Debate?: June 2011 Edition

*Written by Rob Rimes.

Last night’s debate was the second GOP debate of the 2012 election cycle. It was also the first debate to include frontrunner Mitt Romney. Unlike the last round, this debate pretty much sucked. There are several reasons for this but to be brutally honest, I think the first debate kicked ass and left me with a lot of hope, where this latest debate left me shaking my head in disbelief, wondering if this was just some sort of horrible establishment joke. Whether it was deliberate or not, the joke was on us. The winner was no one! The losers were the American people. The only thing I learned was that Herman Cain prefers deep dish over thin crust.

So what went wrong?

A lot of things went wrong. Most notably would have to be the moderator, John King. I’m not sure if he is related to Larry King or if he was just hired because of the similar name but I have no urge to ever watch something with him in it ever again. Larry King should’ve showed up last night and taken his surname back because this gurgling weird noise-emitting hack couldn’t run the show if his career depended on it, which it did. No need to worry though Mr. King, you’re on CNN and your ratings are dismal. No one knows who you are. However, last night was your time to shine as maybe a tenth of the country was watching and all you seemed to do was drive the viewers batshit crazy. I know this because I asked other people besides myself about your performance. What was with all the gurgling and weird noises while candidates were talking by the way? You guys over there at CNN wanted to be all different and stuff and decided not to have a buzzer. Well newflash homeboy, there isn’t a person in America that wouldn’t prefer a buzzer over your particular brand of Tuvan throat singing. I don’t mean to be a hater y’all but I gotta call shit like I see shit.

Another problem with CNN was the bullshit “This or That” questions during the debate. What I took away from this is what kind of pizza Herman Cain likes, that Santorum is a tool that doesn’t watch TV, Pawlenty is vanilla, Romney knows the score to the Bruins game, Gingrich likes American Idol, Bachmann has 127 kids and everyone was getting a lot more time than Ron Paul. This was just stupid. If Americans are going to base who they vote for off of a candidate’s preference over shit reality shows, then we’re all fucked. Then again, someone obsessed with such shows probably wasn’t watching the debate, as “So You Think You Can Eat a Dick?” was probably on. Also, I doubt that person is going to vote in a primary because some Hollywood star didn’t tell them to. Point being, these questions were a waste of precious time. What are they going to ask next time? “Hey Mr. Romney, what do you think really brings a room together, track lighting or a koi pond?”

Enough with the tool moderator and CNN, what about the candidates?

Well, Tim Pawlenty gave me nothing. Once again he came off as vanilla and boring and his answers made him seem out of touch and like an archaic form of Republican that should’ve died after the failure of the ’94 class. The same class that was led by Gingrich, who also didn’t give me much but at least some of his answers had fire and because of that, he stood out a bit more than most of the other candidates. Still though, his campaign is doomed and I would never vote for the guy. He is also a chip off of the old establishment block and is a remnant of a time that most of us should be pissed about instead of latching onto and bragging about. Newsflash, there wasn’t a Republican victory in ’94, there was a surge of Republicans in the House but ultimately, they dropped the ball and let the people down. Newt led these men and women and whether it is fair or not, he is the face of that failure.

Rick Santorum did okay I guess, if you’re into his sort of thing. I disagree with him on a lot and he seems deluded and so sure of himself that I could see another potential George W. Bush who just disregards reason, Congress and the people in favor of following his gut. Santorum also comes off as a chip off of the old establishment block and nothing he did or said made him come off any stronger last night.

Now, I have read all the rumors and seen all the Photoshopped pictures claiming that Michele Bachmann is insane. I laughed it off before, but now I realize that there may be some truth to these claims. First of all, this wasn’t the proper venue to announce your candidacy and in doing so, she wasted an answer to a question. Secondly, she barely answered any questions. Each one was met with a story she felt that she had to tell about her 127 kids or with filibustering and rambling that never got to the point. It’s as if she forgot what the question was by the end of each thirty second story-time rant. All her appearance at this debate did, at least for me, is reinforce the fears I already had of her. If she’s the Tea Party’s darling, I’m opting out (not that I was ever actually in).

Mitt Romney just came off as Mitt Romney and didn’t offer much substance. He blamed Obama, as everyone else did, and he still didn’t backtrack on his support of his own Obamacare prototype called Romneycare. This brings me back to Pawlenty however, as he was asked about his comment just 24 hours earlier where he referred to Romney’s health care law as Obomneycare. Pawlenty backtracked and tried to sidestep it and was visibly uncomfortable. If you’re going to call a spade a spade dude, don’t act like a little bitch when confronted about it. Stick to your guns, nut the fuck up and drop the hammer on a motherfucker. Pawlenty dropped no hammer, just the ball, which wasn’t even his ball as he apparently doesn’t have any. Is this who you want leading us? A dude that sips on bitch juice?

This also pisses me off because all the damn candidates were too damn nice. Let’s get down to it people. Let’s show the nation your differences. Let’s get heated and take some shots at each other. This politically correct overly-sensitive bullshit is for the bitchass birds. I blame Larry King’s inept and gurgling little brother for not stirring the pot. We want real debate, not thank you cards and muffin baskets!

Next up is Herman Cain. Mr. Cain is my number three out of all the candidates and I love what this guy has to say for the most part. There are things I disagree with but in a nutshell, he gets it and is lightyears ahead of most of these establishment ass-clowns. Cain however didn’t have the huge surge in awesomeness that he had in the first debate. Maybe there were too many candidates up there and he was overshadowed; I don’t know? He was pretty much on point all night, answered the questions well, hit all his points and came off as someone with their wits about them. He has been consistent and solid. I was glad that he got away from continually repeating what has become his catchphrases. He stuck to answering the moderator and the other people with very precise and exacting responses. Maybe this is because he isn’t a politician in the classical sense? While Cain didn’t gain any more traction, he certainly didn’t lose any and I felt that the others did, so in retrospect, this may have pushed him higher up in the polls. One can only hope.

My personal favorite, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who regularly reads my work, is Ron Paul. Dr. Paul was there and made a few good points but the fire he had in the first debate just wasn’t there. I think the answer time was too short and the moderator was more interested in Romney, Bachmann, Gingrich and Pawlenty. Ron Paul is going to have to make his presence known and turn it up a notch when the next debate rolls around in a month or so. He was consistent, shook up the debate a bit but didn’t really give us the fired up Dr. Paul we all love. I think CNN could’ve done a better job at involving him more but that goes against their agenda.

Speaking of that agenda, that is why Gary Johnson was excluded. CNN didn’t give Ron Paul much time and they completely left the less popular libertarian out. I think they are trying to tame the “radicalness” and spoon feed the public the typical Republican diet of conservative crap. Gary Johnson, who is officially a candidate was banned, yet Bachman, who wasn’t a candidate until yesterday, was allowed to debate. Hell, CNN even invited Mike Huckabee who opted out of the race a month ago! I don’t want to be the Crown Prince of Conspiracy here but c’mon, shit just doesn’t add up. Truth is, a year before they got their party’s nomination, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Michael Dukakis were all at 1% in the polls. That is the same spot that Gary Johnson is in. CNN’s credibility has another big black-eye on it, as far as I am concerned.

This whole debate was a fucking mess. CNN is ultimately to blame for this and while they had a few good ideas, like bringing in regular people and using Twitter and Facebook to ask questions, the event still came off as half-assed and ill-prepared. Whether you like Fox News or not, their debate last month was so much better. Fox News had a great speedy format with longer answers and a buzzer! That’s right! A fucking buzzer! CNN needs to send one of their interns down to Lowe’s to buy a goddamned buzzer next time, because if I have to listen to the Gurgle King of Atlanta interrupt candidates with his throat noises again, I’m going to start doing hard drugs. That shit made me twitchy and irritable and I was frantically digging through my drawers looking for some angeldust.

So the question this article poses is “Who won the debate?” The answer to that is “no one.” As I said in the opening paragraph, we all lost on this one. I hope round three, which takes place in a month or so, comes off as much better than this shit. I planned on writing this a few days ago and was going to go as far as creating a ranking system with a breakdown of each candidate’s performance. Fuck that, it’s not worth the effort. I’ll just say Ron Paul was number one, because I am biased. I’ll give Cain number two and I’ll give Gingrich number three, because I just feel bad for the guy.

Here’s my favorite Ron Paul moment: