Who Won the Debate?: February 22nd 2012 Edition

*Written by Rob Rimes.

We have finally reached the final primary debate of the 2012 election cycle. There were three more scheduled but one was cancelled by MSNBC – who were hosting it, another was cancelled after three of the four candidates pulled out and the third one is highly questionable due to the fact that a dozen states or more will cast their votes before its date. The only way that that debate will still happen is if the race is still close between two candidates and they have the balls to go head-to-head. Considering that Romney will undoubtedly be one of those two men, consider at least one half of that equation to be nutless. No matter what happens after this, this is the final debate before Super Tuesday, which is the most important day in this primary race.

This debate was hosted by CNN, who does the best job in my honest opinion. The moderator for this round was John King, who I have given shit in the past. I wish CNN would hand the reigns over to Wolf Blitzer and just let these debates be his deal but I guess they feel the burning desire to keep pushing John King on us again and again. Why can’t they let Erin Burnett host one of these things? She’s pleasant to listen to, incredibly easy on the eyes and it would save us all from having to stare at a bunch of dickheads (Ron Paul excluded).

So here we are in Mesa, Arizona where everyone apparently loves Mitt Romney and hates Rick Santorum, as Ol’ Mittens got a huge ovation and Ricky Baby got dead silence, which in most cases is worse than boos. It’s funny how that went down, as CNN’s pre-game show spent a lot of time trying to convince their viewers that Santorum is a real contender for the presidency of the United States not just the presidency of the Southeastern Allegheny County Catholic Racquetball League. Whatever, the fact that homeboy is center stage is maddening enough, as it just proves the insanity of America, since enough of us have voted for this fiscally irresponsible fascist bastard regardless of the fact that he is a well-documented hypocrite and an incessantly whiney dork dick.

Now I’m going to just cover a few of the highlights of the debate, as this just played out like a rerun of a show that you’ve already seen nineteen times. There wasn’t much in the way of new material provided by the candidates. This was basically just a refresher in all the issues they have already talked to death over the last year. To be completely honest, I just couldn’t sit through this thing without being bored shitless at parts. Even my 750 ml bottle of 10 Cane rum wasn’t enough to keep me focused on the job at hand, that being the need to take extensive notes in order to write this very critique you are reading now. I apologize for my lack of interest but I also don’t want to bore you with the same superfluous details I’ve already covered multiple times.

So the first 8 minutes of this broadcast gives us no questions to the candidates. Instead, CNN decides to do the national anthem, which is a time waster. If that came off as offensive, get over it! They haven’t done the national anthem or the Pledge of Allegiance at most of these things, so why start now? Why not do it off camera before the debate, so we can just get down to quality time with the candidates at 8:01 instead of 8:09?

In addition, they wasted time going through the typical introduction spiel. If you don’t know who these guys are by now, you should probably just stay away from the voting booths. Ron Paul owned the intro section though by calling himself “The Defender of the Constitution!” and “The Champion of Liberty!” If anyone else said this, it would be a dick move but Paul ain’t lying, he knows that he is the only real candidate on that stage and everyone else is faking the funk. Santorum’s intro was dumb as hell as he just said some bullshit about our troubles being the Middle East. Romney said some garbage about restoring America, which is Ron Paul’s catchphrase by the way. Gingrich basically said, “Fuck the Saudis let’s make our own gas!” At least they all get to sit down during this debate; their legs must be tired after about two dozen of these two-bit shit shows.

So here we go, time’s been wasted but we finally get a question. Some old dude from the audience asks the candidates, “What are you going to do to bring down the debt?” CNN, already spending the hour before the show building up Ricky Baby, goes straight to him to kick things off. Santorum says that he has a plan to cut spending, taxes and all that other jazz. He gets the sheep to cheer regardless if his claims are true or not. He says that he will shrink the budget and then brags about how he has always fought spending. Okay, that is complete bullshit, as has been proven time and time again, not just by the writings of myself but through countless reports and studies done by watchdog groups and Mr. Santorum’s opponents throughout this long race. He calls for a time limit on all forms of welfare and then goes on to praise the Paul Ryan Plan. Man, Mr. Ryan gets just as much airplay these debates as the candidates themselves and Ronald Reagan.

Mitt Romney is asked if he sticks by his claims that Santorum is not a conservative. Mittens talks about Ricky Baby’s love for bacon a.k.a. pork. He also mentions that Santorum voted to raise the debt limit a whopping five times! Romney claims, that as a business man, he has lived a life full of balanced budgets. He goes on to explain that he will divide up all government programs and look at them line by line to determine if the benefit is worth the cost. He promises to send most of the programs back to the states and declares that government workers shouldn’t be making more than the taxpayers who pay them. Of course, starting by asking Mitt about his negative comments regarding Santorum was just to start a heated exchange between the two, which just allows them to monopolize the time per usual.

In fact, Santorum gets an obligatory response but makes himself look like a total moron with thin bitch skin. He whines about Mitt saying that the Massachusetts governor admitted that he too would have voted to raise the debt ceiling. He also says that he never raised taxes but Romney did in Massachusetts. He admits to voting for No Child Left Behind but said that he regrets the decision. Of course he does, now that he has been continually put on blast for it! Racquetball Rick then takes a cheap shot at Romney and says that he has adopted Occupy Wall Street rhetoric because he talked about raising taxes on the top one percent.

Mitt of course gets his obligatory response, as Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich sit off to the side battling each other in Words With Friends until John King acknowledges them. Romney more or less accuses Rick Santourm of being full of shit, as if that’s any sort of surprise. Romney reminds the people that Santorum was a pivotal part of a Congress that grew government exponentially. While this is seemingly valid, pretty much every Congress since the Woodrow Wilson era has grown government exponentially. As Mitt bashes Rick, the cheers get louder and louder. This was certainly a pro-Romney crowd; the Arizonans in attendance were like famine-afflicted great whites chomping at the piss-soaked boxer-briefs of Mr. Santorum.

Gingrich gets in the discussion and uses his time to boast about how, as Speaker of the House, he led the charge in bringing four consecutive balanced budgets to the table. He then makes a big deal about how this debate is on Washington’s birthday. I guess Washington is the new Reagan in Newtworld. He goes on a tangent about opening up federal land and offshore areas to bring forth more energy options. He then states that his policies will save America $500 billion per year. Sorry bro, Dr. Paul is going to cut a trillion dollars in year one and Gary Johnson is going to top that with $1.4 trillion! Newt needs to up the ante if he is going to live up to his honey badger persona.

John King finally gets to Ron Paul but just asks hom a question about Santorum. What the hell man, CNN really wants to give a lot of airplay to the GOP’s resident Catholic. Don’t get it twisted though, it’s not because they like him, it’s because they know he’s an embarrassment and has no chance at beating Obama, so they want to push him and get him over enough just to ensure that their liberal buddy gets re-elected. Anyway, King asks Paul about his attacks on Santorum, as one of his ads called him “a fake”. When asked why he ran the ads, Paul simply says that Santorum “..is a fake.” The crowd goes nuts, as Paul lands a killing stroke on the religio-fascist bag of weasel testicles. Santorum just sits there nervously with his dork dick smile and tries to cut in on Paul but is cut off by boos. Paul says that Santorum is a classic example of someone who does things in office that contradicts the rhetoric they used while campaigning. He calls Rick’s record “bad” and adds that when someone claims that they are going to be fiscally conservative when they never have been in the past, shows that they don’t have any credibility. The crowd explodes for Ron Paul.

Santorum responds by saying that there was some “study” done that compared him to other senators and that it ranked him as the most fiscally conservative. He even refers to himself as a “hero” that took on “tough issues”. He claims that he was a “leader” that took on “Social Security”. He then says that some other “study” ranked Ron Paul 145th as a “real conservative”. Is it just me or do these studies sound like complete bullshit? Did one of Ricky Baby’s kids do these studies for their 3rd grade political science project?

Waiting for the crowd to stop booing, Ron Paul responds to Santorum by saying that comparing yourself to other members of Congress is a cop out; Paul gets cheers. Ron Paul blasts Rick’s “studies” by reminding everyone in the room that he always votes for the least amount of spending and taxes. He then adds that conservatives have gotten to this point where they are quite pleased with wasting money over seas and that if they were actually real conservatives, they wouldn’t vote for things that perpetuate that madness.

Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum get into another bitch spat and this time it is over earmarks. Eventually, after a bunch of wasted time, Santorum diverts the attention to Ron Paul and essentially accuses him of being the king of earmarks. Paul explains,as he has in the past, that if his constituents are going to be robbed through taxation, he is going to fight to get their money back anyway that he can. He says that we need to vote against spending and we need to fix the corrupt earmark and taxation systems. In fact, in his own words, Dr. Paul says, “Getting rid of earmarks simply gives the executive branch 100 percent control over the funds. What we need to do is vote against the spending bills.”

The debate carries over to the subject of bailouts then contraception and then illegal immigration. None of it is all that interesting and most of it has been discussed to death. The only other real notable thing to come out of this debate is this quote from Rick Santorum, who was defending himself from attacks by Romney and Paul on his atrocious voting record:

While yes, I voted for a large appropriations bill that contained items I didnt like, I counteracted it by adding another program that I did like to it.

Holy Jesus on a Frisbee! This guy doesn’t just put his foot in his mouth, he eats his whole goddamned shoe and probably most of his foot! The best part about this whole debate is that Rick Santorum looked like absolute crap! He came in with all this fanfare and high hopes with the media on his side but in the end, he couldn’t bring it in primetime. This was the most watched debate on cable this year and my personal favorite punching bag of the GOP field got hit hard from both sides but ultimately proved to be his own worst enemy. Santorum burned under the bright lights and magnifying glasses like an ant on the sidewalk in the hot Mesa sun. If this debate wasn’t the nail in the Santorum coffin, then Americans really are as stupid as the rest of the world thinks we are.

Grading Scale:
Grade B+: Ron Paul
Grade C-: Mitt Romney
Grade D+: Newt Gingrich
Grade F-: Rick Santorum

And here’s a video of that soft thin skinned bitch Santorum shaking Paul’s hand like a f’n douchebag: